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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have handled it this way re DS and DIL?

469 replies

MagnifyingGlasses · 29/12/2021 13:01

A year and a half ago my DS wanted to leave his wife and 2 young DC. We never got to the bottom of why he did, he just said he was unhappy and wanted to be on his own. DIL was very upset and I found out about this because she called me up to tell me he was leaving and was worried about him. DS didn't tell us himself.

After this we tried to support DS and both DH and I and his siblings gave him support by offering him a place to stay and bring the DC etc. It didn't get to this stage though as DS decided he wanted to stay with his family and DIL.

Since then I feel my relationship, and that of DH and my other DC, has deteriorated drastically with DIL. We all used to spend a lot of time together such as meals out, go away for the weekend together, days out and even holidays together. A lot of it organised by her and DS with their DC, my only DGC.

We are not NC with them, we do still see them, but not on the scale we used to. She no longer offers to organise things for us all to do, and we are no longer invited on any days out, trips etc. She is welcoming and friendly when we do see them, or when they are at our house, but it feels strained and she no longer opens up around us.

I do think I did some things wrong when they were separated, which was for about 3 months. During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC. Also, my DD's gave him a lot of support, helping him to find somewhere to live and other things and also never spoke to DIL or DGC either. I think my DIL is hurt and no longer trusts us. At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done.

Could this be repairable? WWYD?

OP posts:
Simonjt · 29/12/2021 13:14

You didn’t speak to your own grandchildren for three months?

SheWolfOFFrancee · 29/12/2021 13:14

I think she’s being sensible. You and your family showed her that your DS will be your priority if they ever permanently split up (which is very normal) you couldn’t even be bothered to check on her or DC during the separation period. She’s seen the writing on the wall. It sounds like she’s prepared to be civil and polite but is taking a step back from the relationship with you all to protect herself if the same ever happens again.

Can’t say I blame her honestly. You can’t have it both ways. Can’t make zero effort with your DIL / DGC and expect her to make loss of effort with you all now.

floatinginmyhomie · 29/12/2021 13:14

Why on Earth didn’t you speak to your grandchildren for 3 months

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 29/12/2021 13:14

She’s probably still coming to teens with what her husband put her and the children through.

When she’s over that, she might start coming to terms with how you, your husband and daughter treated her and the children.

Her and the children have been treated appallingly by you all. She might never forgive you. You should be grateful that she’s being polite when she sees you.

Xmassprout · 29/12/2021 13:14

You could have picked up the phone and spoke to her for starters. You can be there for more than one person at once, you didn't have to chose to support one over the other. You're not in a playground picking sides for goodness sake.

Redshoeblueshoe · 29/12/2021 13:14

How dare you cut her and your GC off and then come and complain about your relationship with her

Teeheehee1579 · 29/12/2021 13:15

I agree with all of the above comments - it must have been extremely hurtful to her and also to your DGC. But since you asked what you should do, I would drop her a line saying you would like to take her out on her own for some lunch so you can have a chat. Express deep regret that you behaved as you did and say you would do it differently if you had the time again. Essentially you have sent the message that she is not as much of your family as your DS is and you need to repair that.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 29/12/2021 13:15

Coming to terms*

ProudThrilledHappy · 29/12/2021 13:15

At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done

Are your grandchildren not your family then?

ShowMeTheSugar · 29/12/2021 13:15

During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC.

This would be unforgivable imo. You ignored the kids for 3 months because their dad walked out? You should be so ashamed of yourself.

stmw123 · 29/12/2021 13:15

I think you've shown her how you really feel about her. It doesn't sound like you see HER as your family, just your son. Which imo is very hurtful.

Why would she put mental and physical effort into planning things for you to do?

CanofCant · 29/12/2021 13:16

Yeah, pps have said it all. Your son left her with two children because he wasn't 'happy' and you showed her how little she meant to you all. She must have felt pretty lonely and betrayed by the lot of you. Not sure what you can do as actions speak louder than words and your past behaviour has shown her that she and her children are only worth bothering with if they are attached to your son. I think it's also worth noticing that it was your DIL that made the effort to facilitate your relationship between you and your grandchildren, not your son. I don't blame her for not bothering anymore.

What would your advice to your daughters be if they were treated this way by their in laws?

JackieQueen · 29/12/2021 13:16

I don't blame your Dil at all for this! You offered her and her children no support whatsoever!

girlmom21 · 29/12/2021 13:16

Have you apologised to her for your bad behaviour while they were separated?

You're lucky she's allowing you to see the grandchildren you chose to abandon for 3 months.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 29/12/2021 13:16

Think it's time for you to make some serious effort OP. It sounds like DiL did all the organising to get you on family days out, only for you to then not contact her ONCE to check on her, now you suddenly expect her to be organising days out again with a big smile on her face?! Shock bloody hell OP, wake up and instead of waiting around, why don't YOU make the effort to talk to her, meet up and involve her.

If I was her, I'd probably do the same as I'd assume you weren't interested in a relationship with me or the grandchildren

Barryallen · 29/12/2021 13:17

I went through something similar with my husband years ago and my in laws were totally supportive of ME and the kids! Although they didn’t dismiss their son, they made sure to check in on me and the kids and even offered us a place to stay when I thought we may have to move out!
Sadly I think you made your priorities very clear to your DIL during their separation and have probably severely damaged the relationship you once had with her. I think even an apology at this point would be papering over the cracks. If my in laws had treated me like that I wouldn’t have a relationship with them right now. In my case, they treated me like their own daughter and I will never forget their support or concern.

seekinglondonlife · 29/12/2021 13:17

If you previously had a close relationship with dgc and once they split didn't ask about them for 3 months, then I can absolutely see why she isn't as keen now. YWBU not to even text her to acknowledge the break up and ask about her.

ComDummings · 29/12/2021 13:17

@Hobnobswantshernameback

Reverse?
I was thinking that
My2favboys · 29/12/2021 13:17

your poor dil. so her husband leaves her and then for 3 months she has no contact from any of her ils.
yeah you handled this horribly and if I was her I would also only be seeing you when I had to.
you've showed that it's only your son you love/care about. your son can organise stuff for you to do. sure you won't even need dil or dgc there.

Thesearmsofmine · 29/12/2021 13:17

Why on Earth would she continue to organise lovely days out and weekends away with you when you have shown her you are willing to drop her and your grandchildren. You should have done things differently and are now paying for your actions.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 29/12/2021 13:17

Are you the DIL op?
Because if you are the mother in question you have the hide of a rhinoceros

Wickywoo1984 · 29/12/2021 13:17

If I were the DIL I would struggle to have any sort of relationship with you and your family. You showed a complete disregard for her and her feelings. Why did you not contact your dgc? The least you could've done would be to send a letter/ text to acknowledge how difficult this was for her and to leave the ball in her court to make further contact with you.

Holly60 · 29/12/2021 13:17

Yeah you’ve massively messed up. She obviously trusted you to phone you and tell you what was happening. Why couldn’t you have done other things first, like take your DGC so they could spend time together and sort it out. Actually speak to your son to find out what was happening.

Why on earth would you not see your DGC in the three months they were broken up? You could have offered to take them so she got a break, dropped off shopping for her. All sorts.

You are going to have to have a frank conversation with where you explain why you didn’t contact her, and apologise profusely. You will also need to listen to what she has to say and take it on the chin. I should think she is devastated that you just seemed to drop her like that.

ChiefAdjusterOfRubensShorts · 29/12/2021 13:17

Nothing to add that hasn’t already been said, you have behaved appallingly!

Cocopopsss · 29/12/2021 13:18

Why didn’t you pick up the phone and ask after your own grandchildren? Without being rude, it’s very unusual?

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