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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have handled it this way re DS and DIL?

469 replies

MagnifyingGlasses · 29/12/2021 13:01

A year and a half ago my DS wanted to leave his wife and 2 young DC. We never got to the bottom of why he did, he just said he was unhappy and wanted to be on his own. DIL was very upset and I found out about this because she called me up to tell me he was leaving and was worried about him. DS didn't tell us himself.

After this we tried to support DS and both DH and I and his siblings gave him support by offering him a place to stay and bring the DC etc. It didn't get to this stage though as DS decided he wanted to stay with his family and DIL.

Since then I feel my relationship, and that of DH and my other DC, has deteriorated drastically with DIL. We all used to spend a lot of time together such as meals out, go away for the weekend together, days out and even holidays together. A lot of it organised by her and DS with their DC, my only DGC.

We are not NC with them, we do still see them, but not on the scale we used to. She no longer offers to organise things for us all to do, and we are no longer invited on any days out, trips etc. She is welcoming and friendly when we do see them, or when they are at our house, but it feels strained and she no longer opens up around us.

I do think I did some things wrong when they were separated, which was for about 3 months. During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC. Also, my DD's gave him a lot of support, helping him to find somewhere to live and other things and also never spoke to DIL or DGC either. I think my DIL is hurt and no longer trusts us. At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done.

Could this be repairable? WWYD?

OP posts:
Tinsellittis · 29/12/2021 13:47

Genuinely can’t imagine why you didn’t contact and support your DIL and grandchildren. What on earth were you thinking OP? I think your DIL is being very generous in her treatment of your under the circumstances.

KCee30 · 29/12/2021 13:47

so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC

Also, my DD's gave him a lot of support, helping him to find somewhere to live and other things and also never spoke to DIL or DGC either

You didn't speak to her or your grandchildren during their time apart? 🤦‍♀️ I get he's your son but your dil had done nothing wrong by the sounds of it and not talking her is bad enough but your grandchildren also?

Can you bloody blame the woman? I think you are very lucky that she still welcomes you into her home!

Youngstreet · 29/12/2021 13:49

WWYD.
I would apologise.
Tell her that your behaviour although not done to deliberately hurt was unforgivable and you really think that you handled things badly.

And then carry on being a good mil.

Wannakisstheteacher · 29/12/2021 13:49

You showed her how much you valued her a person. So now she’s showing you. How can you truly be surprised?

DeerMyDear · 29/12/2021 13:49

As you say, when it came to the crunch you dropped her. You prioritised your son so much you didn’t even check in on her.

I don’t blame her one bit.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/12/2021 13:50

Not sure if this is real or not. But assuming it is, your son is an adult and chose to leave. The ones who really needed support were your grandkids who had just had a parent leave. And your dil who was by the sounds of it left looking after two kids. Why on earth didn't you see the kids for 3 months?? How is not being there for your grandkids when things are shit for them, being supportive of your son?

My parents were in a similar position and managed to support all parties involved, it's not been easy but it was the right thing to do

JuergenSchwarzwald · 29/12/2021 13:50

3 months doesn't sound like a lot to me, but then I only saw my grandparents once a year when I was a child as we lived a long way from them. If you live close by and see a lot of them, I think withdrawing from them was a very strange thing to do. I assume the kids didn't have birthdays in that period?

Maybe meeting up for a coffee and having a chat is the way forward. It sounds like she is a decent person and will take it the way it is meant - to repair the relationship.

KatherineJaneway · 29/12/2021 13:51

Repairable? Not to what it used to be, no. I cannot believe you didn't talk to your dgc or DIL for 3 months, that is inexcusable in my opinion.

Try seeing it from her point of view, the minute he said he was leaving, you cut her and her children off as if they didn't exist. Very harsh behaviour.

ForTheLoveOfSleep · 29/12/2021 13:51

OP have you even thought of how your DIL had to explain to her children why all of a sudden their dad and GPs who go on days out with them and come around for dinner all the time suddenly want nothing to do with them. What you did was, quite frankly, vile and disgusting and you should be completely ashamed of yourself for treating your grandchildren children that way.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/12/2021 13:51

I'd think she would struggle to forgive your treatment of her children to be honest. That's usually the driver for the relationship, that the dil wants to foster a good relationship between children and GP and if you are prepared to drop them then she probably thinks theres no point

CSJobseeker · 29/12/2021 13:52

I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC

Not contacting her wasn't wrong IMO. But not speaking to your DGC when they are going through a traumatic time, with their parents separating etc.? What the actual fuck?

he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done

Your DGC are family too! Fucking hell.

You have shown her your true colours, which gave her the message that you don't give a shit about your DGC. You can hardly be surprised that she picked up on it, and has changed her behaviour towards you as a result.

TooWicked · 29/12/2021 13:53

We are not NC with them, we do still see them, but not on the scale we used to. She no longer offers to organise things for us all to do, and we are no longer invited on any days out, trips etc.

We are not NC with them, we do still see them, but not on the scale we used to. My DS never offers to organise things for us all to do, and my DS can’t be arsed arranging or inviting us on any days out, trips etc.

There you go, fixed that for you.

BlingLoving · 29/12/2021 13:53

What I'm struggling to understand is even if you didn't think it appropriate to go through your DIL to see the grandchildren, why didn't you see them with your son? Or did he have no contact with them in those three months either? In which case, he really is an awful man and while I get that he's your son I can' get my head around why you'd condone his behaviour.

Your poor DIL has had a tough time and no one seems to have her back.

MoveOnTheCards · 29/12/2021 13:53

I have been in your DIL’s position. When my husband and I split (briefly, we’re back together and stronger now), she made her position clear and blanked me after saying “I’m fond of you but…” (verbatim). She also didn’t make any effort to contact her grandchild.

Since then (about 4 years ago), our relationship has been non-existent. The thing that hurt most was I thought I was valued as a member of their extended family but I was immediately dropped, her reaction to my husband and I going through a rough patch after being together for many years was beyond disappointing and hurtful. I lost all trust and it’s not come back.

My husband’s relationship with his family has also deteriorated massively. We see them for key family occasions and, like your DIL are polite and warm but things will never be the same again.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 29/12/2021 13:53

If you are for real, then the fact that DIL is still speaking to you at all is something of a Christmas miracle tbf. I wouldn't have been doing that for xmil, certainly without a grovelling fulsome apology.

DespairingHomeowner · 29/12/2021 13:54

NRTFT

Honestly, your best bet at this point is to apologize, say that you feel you were in the wrong, and that you regret not contacting her during that period

Your actions indicate that if there is a split you would take your sons side & not really have a relationship with her - she won't forget that easily

if you are LUCKY - apologise and say you didn't know what to do & you feel bad about it - she might come round a bit (as lets face it, no one knows what the right thing to do is/its a trying time for all/you probably haven't faced this situation before)

People always think best of their own children, but for all you know he was unfaithful /betrayed her in some way. Also hurtful not to check in on her & the kids

I get the whole 'the relationship is over' thing because of a divorce in my family when the divorcing person totally pushed out the now ex spouse ... when we are all supposed to be family! This person is now NC with all of us not surprisingly

Its normal you & your daughters would support your son, and also normal your DIL feels less trust in you

I'd start by apologising, showing her you value the relationship (eg do things with just her, not even DCs & your son) and try to fix things

Bear in mind, the marriage may still end, and she will have a lot of influence over your DGCs - if my mum didn't trust my dad's mum, I don't think I would either

Foolsrule · 29/12/2021 13:55

Well, we can all see where your son learnt his behaviour from!

Nowayoutonlydown · 29/12/2021 13:55

As has been said, you treated her and the HC appallingly.
Know you are lucky that you see them at all, you'd not have a second chance like that with everyone, and it speaks absolute volumes about the kind of woman she is to have been kind enough to accommodate a relationship at all with you after also abandoning her when your son walked out on her and the children.

Scarlettpixie · 29/12/2021 13:56

Maybe their relationship isn’t great and she doesn’t want to have to put a face on. Also covid could have impacted and the number of trips and holidays , it has for us. Hopefully things will improve with time.

TooWicked · 29/12/2021 13:56

Actually, this has got to be a reverse.

But if not, the only way you stand a hope of salvaging this relationship is to throw yourself at her mercy, tell her you are disgusted at yourself for the shitty way you treated her and your grandchildren and beg for her forgiveness.

tootiredtospeak · 29/12/2021 13:57

I cant get past the fact you ignored your grandchildren for 3 months. To me you are lucky she still speaks to you.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 29/12/2021 13:58

I don't think you meant harm, but I do think you should apologise to her. It looks like she reached out for help and you were pleased to get DS away, as well as not caring about them. You could explain that you felt you were doing the best thing getting DS sorted out first, but realise you got wrapped up in his needs when really you should have been supporting her and the DC too. Stress you are delighted they are together again, but that if there are difficulties again then you will be more even in offering help to both. If you otherwise had a good relationship, then some honesty and a hug might start to fix things. Good luck.

gonnabeok · 29/12/2021 13:58

I don't blame her to be honest. You should really be ashamed of yourself. What awful behaviour along with that of your DS. You are lucky she is being polite to you but that shows her respectful nature. She doesn't trust you anymore and for good reason. You'll have to make do with how it is.

CustardySergeant · 29/12/2021 13:58

"I do think I did some things wrong when they were separated, which was for about 3 months. During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC. Also, my DD's gave him a lot of support, helping him to find somewhere to live and other things and also never spoke to DIL or DGC either. I think my DIL is hurt and no longer trusts us. At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done."

I was really shocked when I read this. I can't think of a single reason why you all behaved like this. Absolutely appalling, unforgiveable and unfathomable. What on earth do you mean when you say that you don't know what else you could have done? Confused

Singinghollybob · 29/12/2021 14:01

I think you were wrong to cut contact with your DGC, would you have never contacted them again if their parents didn't get ba k together?
I understand your loyalties are with your DS but I think you should definitely have stayed in touch with your DGS, no wonder she's cooled towards you seeing you quickly you dropped her and the children.
I notice it's not your DS that organises any get togethers with his own parents, maybe he could start taking on that role rather than leaving it to his wife.