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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have handled it this way re DS and DIL?

469 replies

MagnifyingGlasses · 29/12/2021 13:01

A year and a half ago my DS wanted to leave his wife and 2 young DC. We never got to the bottom of why he did, he just said he was unhappy and wanted to be on his own. DIL was very upset and I found out about this because she called me up to tell me he was leaving and was worried about him. DS didn't tell us himself.

After this we tried to support DS and both DH and I and his siblings gave him support by offering him a place to stay and bring the DC etc. It didn't get to this stage though as DS decided he wanted to stay with his family and DIL.

Since then I feel my relationship, and that of DH and my other DC, has deteriorated drastically with DIL. We all used to spend a lot of time together such as meals out, go away for the weekend together, days out and even holidays together. A lot of it organised by her and DS with their DC, my only DGC.

We are not NC with them, we do still see them, but not on the scale we used to. She no longer offers to organise things for us all to do, and we are no longer invited on any days out, trips etc. She is welcoming and friendly when we do see them, or when they are at our house, but it feels strained and she no longer opens up around us.

I do think I did some things wrong when they were separated, which was for about 3 months. During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC. Also, my DD's gave him a lot of support, helping him to find somewhere to live and other things and also never spoke to DIL or DGC either. I think my DIL is hurt and no longer trusts us. At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done.

Could this be repairable? WWYD?

OP posts:

hangrylady · 29/12/2021 13:35

She's pleasant and polite when she sees you and that's more than you deserve to be honest. Your son left her high and dry with their kids and you didn't even call to check she was OK. She's a better woman than me, I'd find it difficult to be civil TBH. How about you get off your arse and organise some 'nice things'.

flippertyop · 29/12/2021 13:35

Your son is a dick and I can see where he gets it from.

WorraLiberty · 29/12/2021 13:35

Is this going to be another stupid thread where the OP either doesn't come back, or they deliberately leave it until later so they can sit with a nice cup of tea and read all the replies? 🙄

GregTheEgg · 29/12/2021 13:36

When I told my XH’s family about us splitting SIL sent us both an email saying she thought it sounded like more his fault than mine and that she’d always be there for both of us. She has since called me regularly, welcomed my new DP with open arms always asking after him and including him in any Christmas cards etc, invited me along with the DCs and XH to her big birthday party. Basically treated me as part of the family still. You behaved appallingly to your DIL and GCs.

momonpurpose · 29/12/2021 13:36

Similar happened to me however we didn't get back together. This woman was like a mother to me. For 8 months my daughter and I heard nothing from her at all. Then she started sending messages. Too little to late. You are incredibly lucky she tolerates you

SleepingStandingUp · 29/12/2021 13:37

Sorry but I see her point.

She made so much effort to include you, see you regularly and then her DH walks out with no warning and you don't speak to her or your DGC for three months. Not one reassurance that you're still their family. That you love DGC etc.

Just forgotten and ignored like last weeks trash.
By extension if they'd stayed split you'd have only bothered with DCG when he had them and never bothered with her again. You oy bother with her now cos she's with DS. That isn't about her, that's about you being nice to his current partner. No wonder she's upset.

Anordinarymum · 29/12/2021 13:37

@WorraLiberty

Is this going to be another stupid thread where the OP either doesn't come back, or they deliberately leave it until later so they can sit with a nice cup of tea and read all the replies? 🙄

Never.. I say never.. say the Tea is nice. Have you ever run out of teabags?

PotatoOfTheNight · 29/12/2021 13:37

@WorraLiberty

Really cuntish behaviour there OP.

In a way I hope it is a reverse even though I think reverse threads should be deleted.

Reverses tend to change my opinion anyway, because I immediately see the OP as capable of being manipulative

diddl · 29/12/2021 13:38

I think if you had a good relationship it was odd to just blank her.

You knew what an effort she put into including you but it meant nothing?

When he wanted to leave her you helped him to?

And you expect things to go back as they were?

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 29/12/2021 13:39

Reverse 🙄

WorraLiberty · 29/12/2021 13:40

@Anordinarymum, Naice?

Anordinarymum · 29/12/2021 13:40

After having read all the replies I wouldn't be surprised if OP had emigrated

It seems the dreadful 'MIL' is alive and well in Milton Keynes.. Fill in where applicable.

This one would give Widow Twanky a run for her money

Anordinarymum · 29/12/2021 13:41

[quote WorraLiberty]@Anordinarymum, Naice?[/quote]
Exactly !

ancientgran · 29/12/2021 13:41

My ex DIL was a nightmare, physical assault on my son when he was sitting with baby in his arms and toddler on his lap was just one example. When they split up we still supported her, she had no family locally. I would look after the children when they were with her as much as when they were with my son, when she wanted to retrain she'd phone me when she was feeling pressured with essay dates and things and I'd immediately go and pick up kids and have them till she was OK. When she started dating again I'd have the children, when she went on holiday with boyfriends I'd do the same. I wouldn't just turn my back, she is the mother of my grandchildren and making sure she was OK was also making sure they were.

I think it wasn't nice to ignore her for months particularly when you had all been close. I'm not surprised if she has rethought the relationship.

MrsTimRiggins · 29/12/2021 13:43

God, you behaved appallingly towards both your DIL and your grandchildren, both innocent parties in the upset.
The fact she is friendly and welcomes you at all is, IMO, a small miracle. If I were you, I’d take what I was offered and do so without complaint. You fucked up and this is the consequence.

chinabumps · 29/12/2021 13:44

@autumnboys

What your DIL has seen is how willing you were/are to cut her and your grandchildren off, just like that. She no longer offers to organise things for you - surely this can’t really surprise you?

This!!! So many good comments on this thread😂

Noisyprat · 29/12/2021 13:44

Another poster who cannot understand how you cannot see that you have been wrong. Your poor DIL, she is hurting through the actions of your son (can he articulate to her why he is unhappy, did he have an affair?) and now you have turned your back on her and then expect her to return to normal. You have hurt her deeply, she will be protecting herself. Perhaps, given the way you have all behaved, she is planning her exit from you all.

Where is your son in all of this? he sounds selfish. Why isn't he stepping up and taking over the organising or is he not actually interested in family life? Why don't you expect HIM to step out.

NoSquirrels · 29/12/2021 13:44

She’s putting aww much effort into building extended family relationships as you showed her you deserve.

You’ll need to be the organisers of family fun if you want to be included.

MsSquiz · 29/12/2021 13:44

You didn't contact your only grandchildren or their mother during the 3 month period that their father had left the home?! And neither did your other children? And you wonder why your DIL doesn't want to make arrangements to spend time with you all?

I don't blame her at all! She and the children were innocents in your son's decision to up and leave them, and when she called to tell you what was happening/that she was worried, you dropped her and her children!

You say your son is your family, but so are his children! And were bystanders in the mess your precious son caused! If I was your DIL, repairing the mess would be a non starter and it would be down to your son to arrange visits to you with the children (presuming they want to see you...)

Christinatherabbit · 29/12/2021 13:44

I think you are lucky she still wants anything to do with you. He walked out on his family for no reason (that he gave her) and then you completely abandoned her and her children. Why would she want to have to be around you or any of your family now? I can't imagine this is even a real post? If it is, no, it's not repairable. Disgusting behaviour from you, your son and your daughters. You all sound as bad as each other!

Horst · 29/12/2021 13:45

Because you’ve shown her, her and the children don’t matter are not family to you guys.

So she’s stopped treating you as such. Rather simple I’d say, you have a son issue not a dil issue when it comes to contact but frankly if I was the dil you’d never see me again and all contact with the dgc would be 100% arranged by the son since you no we are not family.

LakieLady · 29/12/2021 13:46

I think it may be too late now.

My late partner and one of his siblings both split from the partners with whom they had children. My MIL, while all her sympathies were with her children and who was incredibly supportive of them both, nevertheless contacted both the exes and made it very clear that she still considered them part of the family and that, as parents of her GCs, they would always be welcome and valued by her.

One of the GCs was 17 at the time of the split and she also took the trouble to speak to him in similar terms, even though he was 100% against the parent in question.

I think that having gone pretty much NC for 3 months or more, it will be difficult to rebuild the relationship you once had with your DIL.

Bookworm20 · 29/12/2021 13:47

So DIL and DGC was shat on by your DS. The DIL who organised everything to include you previously. I'm assuming you or your DS didn't do any of that organising then as it doesn't happen anymore.

Quite honestly I am surprised she is even talking to you. You behaved appallingly.
Your DS was a shit and your ENTIRE family dealt with it by Molly cuddling HIM and totally ignoring your DIL and DGC.
WTF?

Of course things will never go back to how they were. I expect she tolerates you at best because you are her DC's grandparents and she isn't a horrible person like you were.

Stretchandsnap · 29/12/2021 13:47

If you were my MIL I would do the exact same. I’d be polite and no more. You don’t deserve it.

Chikapu · 29/12/2021 13:47

You didn't speak to your grandchildren for 3 months? What would have happened if they hadn't got back together, would you have continued to ignore their existence.
Of course she's hurt, stop and put yourself in her shoes for a minute.

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