AIBU to have handled it this way re DS and DIL?

[MagnifyingGlasses]

A year and a half ago my DS wanted to leave his wife and 2 young DC. We never got to the bottom of why he did, he just said he was unhappy and wanted to be on his own. DIL was very upset and I found out about this because she called me up to tell me he was leaving and was worried about him. DS didn't tell us himself.

After this we tried to support DS and both DH and I and his siblings gave him support by offering him a place to stay and bring the DC etc. It didn't get to this stage though as DS decided he wanted to stay with his family and DIL.

Since then I feel my relationship, and that of DH and my other DC, has deteriorated drastically with DIL. We all used to spend a lot of time together such as meals out, go away for the weekend together, days out and even holidays together. A lot of it organised by her and DS with their DC, my only DGC.

We are not NC with them, we do still see them, but not on the scale we used to. She no longer offers to organise things for us all to do, and we are no longer invited on any days out, trips etc. She is welcoming and friendly when we do see them, or when they are at our house, but it feels strained and she no longer opens up around us.

I do think I did some things wrong when they were separated, which was for about 3 months. During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC. Also, my DD's gave him a lot of support, helping him to find somewhere to live and other things and also never spoke to DIL or DGC either. I think my DIL is hurt and no longer trusts us. At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done.

Could this be repairable? WWYD?

I think there are lots of possible explanations for the distance. You sound really concerned in your post to preserve a good relationship with your DS and DIL, also shut out, also puzzled about what happened. I get the sense you want to make space for the different people in the situation, but when you do that, there's a cloud of conflict somewhere in the background and that is unsettling.

Maybe your DIL is angry you supported DS and didn't have contact with her for a while. That's not a great scenario, because you're not talking about it. But it might not be resolvable just yet.

But also consider that they're now back together and hopefully working out together what went wrong in their relationship on both sides and working to change the status quo. That's going to affect their external relationships. Maybe it works better for them to have more distance from you at the moment.

I think I would also feel quite torn if my DS had relationship problems between supporting him and staying in contact with DP and DGC...and I'd be trying to figure out how to support my DS in genuine relationships all round...what you said about not knowing why he wanted to leave seems important here.

I think this is reparable but as another poster said, it will never be what it was before. That's in the nature of repair.

On the basis that all you can ever change is your own self, I'm wondering what your relationship with your DS looks like? To my mind, even the work of thinking through that slowly and honestly is helpful and supportive.

Posted too soon....

Of course you should try and talk to your DIL about it BUT ultimately you’re now trying to make excuses for not contacting/supporting her and your grandchildren. She sounds lovely so you may find she listens to you but I very much doubt you can repair the damage done and restore the relationship back to what you all once had. She may have doubts about her marriage now too and ultimately may end up being the one to end the marriage.

You’ve let your DIL & DGC down big time.

You can only apologise but not sure if your relationship will ever be the same.

If you have to ask the question if you were being unreasonable or not, you clearly don't have much or any intelligent understanding of how appalling you and your daughter's actions were.

She well and truly knows the true colours of all of you now, so why on earth would you expect the relationship not to be strained after your actions is beyond me.

You must be on a parallel universe.

'During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC'

Wow. Wtf. How could you treat your grandchildren that way?

Thing is op, if the same happened, what would you now do?

You ignored your grandkids for 3 months.

She's basically seen what she can expect from you if ever she needs your support in future (which was nothing) so I wouldn't expect her to make any effort with any of you again. And it's your own doing.

Of course you would primarily support your son but, to go back to this key point again, you cut off your own grandkids for 12 weeks!

You are absolutely appalling.

You behaved appallingly. You don't ever deserve your dil to rally around arranging days out for you and your family

Why would she ever trust you again when you dropped her so fast before?

You'll have to crawl across broken glass for this OP. Awful, awful behaviour towards your DIL and grandchildren.

You reap what you sow.

If it were me I sure as hell wouldn't be clearing my mantle off for the Grandparent of the year trophy that's for damn sure

When my father walked out on us for another woman when I was 16, my paternal grandparents stopped contacting me and my mother.
I found a card at the time telling my father to 'look after himself'. Not one attempt to reach out to me or my mum saying similar.
I am now 31 and I have not seen them or spoken to them since.
They will never meet my children.
Apologise before the same happens to you.

Your DIL must be such a kind and forgiving person to still act nice to you. I'd have gone absolutely no contact if my MIL would ignore my child for three months during a difficult time in their life. It's not just an ooops I messed up, is it? You showed them that if they ever need support you won't even be in contact with them. You showed them that you don't care about their wellbeing at all.

This won't be fixed, but by all means try to limit the damage by sincerely apologizing to her.

Re reading this and actually getting angrier. I doubt you’ll come back and admit that you fucked up and that you’ve grovelled to your DiL but if you do your actions are/were that of a self centred horrible individual and you have a better relationship with her then you deserve.

I’d never speak to you again of you did this to me

I'm not surprised atall. She actually opened up to you about being worried about DS - I can guess life was very difficult for her and still is and you turned your back on her and your grandchildren at the very time they needed support. I went through something very similar and no I never forgave my MIL. Like your DIL I made lots of effort to build a relationship and then when we needed the support she was no where to be seen. I have no relationship with her atall any more.

OP you're obviously not posting (surely all of our reactions can't be a complete surprise?) but I hope you are reading a and having a pretty hefty soul search

@SpeedRunParent

I suspect the OP isn't going to like the slating she has rightly been given. Will be surprised if she resurfaces.

They rarely do. They de-reg or or permanent name change.

Wow my mouth fell open during the last paragraph.
Can you explain why you you all acted like that?