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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have handled it this way re DS and DIL?

469 replies

MagnifyingGlasses · 29/12/2021 13:01

A year and a half ago my DS wanted to leave his wife and 2 young DC. We never got to the bottom of why he did, he just said he was unhappy and wanted to be on his own. DIL was very upset and I found out about this because she called me up to tell me he was leaving and was worried about him. DS didn't tell us himself.

After this we tried to support DS and both DH and I and his siblings gave him support by offering him a place to stay and bring the DC etc. It didn't get to this stage though as DS decided he wanted to stay with his family and DIL.

Since then I feel my relationship, and that of DH and my other DC, has deteriorated drastically with DIL. We all used to spend a lot of time together such as meals out, go away for the weekend together, days out and even holidays together. A lot of it organised by her and DS with their DC, my only DGC.

We are not NC with them, we do still see them, but not on the scale we used to. She no longer offers to organise things for us all to do, and we are no longer invited on any days out, trips etc. She is welcoming and friendly when we do see them, or when they are at our house, but it feels strained and she no longer opens up around us.

I do think I did some things wrong when they were separated, which was for about 3 months. During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC. Also, my DD's gave him a lot of support, helping him to find somewhere to live and other things and also never spoke to DIL or DGC either. I think my DIL is hurt and no longer trusts us. At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done.

Could this be repairable? WWYD?

OP posts:
BronwenFrideswide · 29/12/2021 13:26

I do think I did some things wrong when they were separated, which was for about 3 months. During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC. Also, my DD's gave him a lot of support, helping him to find somewhere to live and other things and also never spoke to DIL or DGC either.

You did that and then seem surprised at this:

Since then I feel my relationship, and that of DH and my other DC, has deteriorated drastically with DIL. We all used to spend a lot of time together such as meals out, go away for the weekend together, days out and even holidays together. A lot of it organised by her and DS with their DC, my only DGC.

We are not NC with them, we do still see them, but not on the scale we used to. She no longer offers to organise things for us all to do, and we are no longer invited on any days out, trips etc. She is welcoming and friendly when we do see them, or when they are at our house, but it feels strained and she no longer opens up around us.

I think my DIL is hurt and no longer trusts us No shit, Sherlock.

my only DGC who you thought so little of that neither you nor any of your family contacted for three months and now you want to play happy families, doting grandparents and aunties with? Youi expect to be invited and included in stuff after abandoning them without a word for three months????

Seriously?

phishy · 29/12/2021 13:27

Reverses just get people’s backs up.

Namechange12312 · 29/12/2021 13:27

Poor DIL. She’s must have felt completely abandoned by you all, when she did nothing wrong. How confusing for the grandchildren too, to have not only their father but also grandparents/aunties/uncles walk out in them for 3 whole months. I would also be incredibly upset in her position and find it difficult to forgive you. Your only hope is to acknowledge what you did, try to explain why, and apologise for the hurt you caused. In time she may be able to let you back in to their lives but I wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t.

phishy · 29/12/2021 13:27

I like how DIL has dealt with it.

Tell us more OP!

Hobnobswantshernameback · 29/12/2021 13:27

Reverse or froth inducing bitchplop and run

VashtaNerada · 29/12/2021 13:27

It’s clear you didn’t play it right and I think you realise that now. Can you talk to her? Explain that you thought you were doing the right thing but now realise you didn’t. Hopefully she’ll accept an honest heartfelt apology and you can go back to the way things were.

DemBonesDemBones · 29/12/2021 13:28

You didn't speak to your Grandchildren because you believed their parent's relationship was over? I'd be more than uncomfortable around you if I were your DIL! That's unforgivable and there's not really any coming back from that. How awful.

Autumncoming · 29/12/2021 13:28

It sounds like he has made amends. You haven't.
You barely recognise you did anything wrong.
When your son entered a long term relationship with this woman, she became your family too. Even more so when they had children together.
You abandoned her and them.
You better start apologising and making amends right now or your relationship will only deteriate further.

AuntieStella · 29/12/2021 13:28

It sounds like she had a series of revelations durunngbthe time of their separation.

One of which was that you didnt stay in touch not even if only to remain in touch with DGC. And the consequence of your decisions then have formed her attitude now. She still likes you, but she's not going to go out of her way to initiate contact or arrange things for her DZc's paternal family.

So, what are you doing to invite them to stuff?

Why are you expecting it if her and not your DS? For he is the one with bridges to mend

GiveOverIrene · 29/12/2021 13:28

Are you for real? My brother left his wife and children, following which I had more contact with my SIL than my brother!

It must have been so hard for your DIL, and none of you, NONE OF YOU, had the decency to reach out to her, and now you're sad she won't organise nice days out and holidays for you all? Beggars belief.

Stompythedinosaur · 29/12/2021 13:29

Of course she is hurt that you cut contact with your dgc for 3 months because your ds decided to leave. I imagine she feels that you don't love them as much as she once thought you did.

I would make a proper apology, but in truth I doubt things will ever be quite the same.

LittleBirdBlu · 29/12/2021 13:30

Bloody hell I'm not surprised she's behaving how she is with you! You cut her and your grandchildren off for 3 months!??she didn't even do anything wrong. Unforgivable

Floralnomad · 29/12/2021 13:30

@PicaK

There was nothing stopping you speaking to her or the dgc. You showed exactly how grateful you all were for all the mental effort she put in to organising family trips etc. And now she dfoesnt do it any more. I don't blame her one bit. She's saintly for still being welcoming.
I agree with this . You are lucky she talks to you at all . If you want things to change you need to start grovelling now and hope for the best .
BatshitBanshee · 29/12/2021 13:32

You didn't check on her or your DGC after your son acted like a shit and instead you and your other kids rallied around him and enabled him.

I'm very surprised that she can be polite, I'd give you both barrels and then go NC. How very dare you, the entitlement of you! To behave like that, minimise your behaviour and your son's and then blame her when she doesn't want to run round and organize things to do with you? Are you fucking joking lady. You need a reality check and count your lucky stars she can bring herself to speak to you.

Itsmeandhim · 29/12/2021 13:32

Your behaviour towards your Dil and DGc was disgusting.
What would you be like if they split up permanently.
Would you have NEVER contacted them ever again.
Yes he is your son but they are family too.

olympicsrock · 29/12/2021 13:32

You behaved really badly and isolated her when she had come to you for help. I am not remotely surprised that she no longer wants to be close to you. The only thing you can do is to offer a sincere apology and show with actions that you have changed.

BronwenFrideswide · 29/12/2021 13:32

@ProudThrilledHappy

I’d rather like you to send her this way so we can all tell her to cut the lot of you out and move on with a man who will treat her with some basic decency actually.
Agreed, if I was the DIL in question I wouldn't be having anything to do with any of them, in my book the fact she is polite, civil and welcoming to them makes her a far better woman than me.
AlDanvers · 29/12/2021 13:32

This can't be real

You didn't speak to her for 3 months while your son dicked about and wonder why she isn't that fussed anymore?

Deafdonkey · 29/12/2021 13:33

I asked my mil for help, not for me but for her dgc. She refused as it would be detrimental to her son, whilst I understand her son comes before me I can not forgive her for not helping her dgc. It is obviously her choice not to help, but it's my choice to stop putting in all the effort I did.

TattiePants · 29/12/2021 13:33

Try his must be a reverse. If my DH left me and my MIL didn’t get in touch with me once during that time I’d struggle to have a future relationship with her. If she didn’t contact my DCs in that time then I’d have nothing more to do with her. Be thankful that’s she being polite to you when you do see her as I don’t think you even deserve that.

Neron · 29/12/2021 13:34

If my husband walked out, leaving me to deal with everything, and then his family facilitied that and didn't bother to keep in touch - well I'd never bother with them again.

Excitedforthefuture · 29/12/2021 13:34

* During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC*

The reason is this OP.
And you threw it in almost as an afterthought in your op

honeylulu · 29/12/2021 13:34

never spoke to DIL or DGC either. I think my DIL is hurt and no longer trusts us

You've answered your own question. I can see you'd want to support your own son but your grandchildren are also your own flesh and blood. Yet you ignored them at what must have been a very upsetting and disruptive time for them, to pander to a manbaby who was wobbling about whether he wanted to be a grown up or not.

I bloody hope this is a reverse because your lack of self awareness is astonishing. It's as if once your son decided to jettison his wife you considered the children hers only and dumped along with her!

Your DIL sounds very gracious and dignified. I can't blame her for protecting herself with some invisible barriers.

Cocomarine · 29/12/2021 13:34

You ignored her for THREE MONTHS when she was actually the one kind enough to tell you that she was worried about him, when he said he was leaving her? So even when her husband was dumping her, she looked out for him. And you ignored her for 3 months.

You’d not even be getting civil from me now, so I’d count your blessings. Shame on you.

rainbowlou · 29/12/2021 13:35

So if your son had decided never to get back with her would the grandchildren have been cut off forever??