Crying over misunderstanding

[Onlyrainbows]

Sorry MN I obviously have no one to talk to this time of day. My DH and I had a minor argument over "budgets" we agreed to to budget £500 per DC for clothes and presents (both birthdays and Christmas). He is of the idea that uniforms should be excluded, I think they should be included. Well, we originally agreed we'd let the oldest one about how much there was in there budgets, and the younger ones just tell them that they had a certain budget that counted for everything, so they could play around with it without knowing the amount. We did tell the oldest one, but my DH regrets it and now we have to retract it. We BOTH agreed that this is what needs to happen, bit then he went on about how we're going to disappoint the again. Then the conversation went sideways (he kept drinking during the course of it) but after 3 hours of it I just feel annoyed and sad that there were so many misunderstandings and there's always my upbringing Vs his and trying to make them align when in reay they were very different. He's asleep and I'm crying fairly pointlessly but I don't know what else to do.

I don't really understand. You agreed to set a £500 budget for Christmas and birthday gifts for each of your children but then you both told DC1 and now DH has changed his mind? Is that what you mean?

Sleep it off and look at it differently tomorrow?

Your post is confusing but tomorrow is a new day as they say.

I don’t think uniforms should be included and think gifts should be separate budget entirely from clothes, and the children shouldn’t even know about it. What age are they?

It seems all a bit unusual to be talking this excessively about this, are you really struggling for money or is there something else going on?

£500 is a lot (for both, not each?) and I wouldn't include uniform in a gift budget

Sorry re-read all gifts and clothing but not uniforms

I wouldn't budget for clothes as part of gift budgeting but you need obviously need to budget for both

Tomorrow's a new day op. Let this go for now. Talk when you're both clear headed.

Yes more or less @Holy. We won't struggle in the new year, but we've struggled in the past. DS is 16, the girls are younger, but I thought it would be nice to share the good news. I think we've doubled their budgets if I'm being honest, so it really felt like a nice thing to share with them.

I think a joint budget for clothes and gifts is tricky - if their feet grow and they need more pairs of shoes they get a smaller xmas gift than siblings? Just budget per birthday/xmas/clothing.

It all came from the idea that the DC are coming to an age of wanting to "upgrade" their shoes/clothes (and this why we thought of merging the two). I would still buy them the cheapest clothes/shoes (but decent quality) I could get away with.

@stompy my DH came up with a similar scenario but for underwear. He said our eldest daughter should have a higher budget because bras are a necessity that a 16uo doesn't have, but then, where do you draw the line? Historically they've only ever got around £75 for birthdays and Xmas (each so £250 between the two).

Essentials like school uniforms, underwear, socks and school shoes shouldn't be included in a budget that is meant for birthdays and Christmas. They are the basics that you need to supply.

The budget is for gifts not essentials. Either lower the budget and then pay for uniform ect, or let the DC's have their budget to spend on presents.

@youcant but surely you still.busget for essentials? Why is my point of why uniforms should be included. Our 12yo for example wears her school shoes as everyday shoes, so we bought her a more expensive pair. He agrees that £500 should be enough though (sans uniforms) and I don't feel strongly enough about it to fight over it.

@YouCantTourniquetTheTaint

Essentials like school uniforms, underwear, socks and school shoes shouldn't be included in a budget that is meant for birthdays and Christmas. They are the basics that you need to supply.

The budget is for gifts not essentials. Either lower the budget and then pay for uniform ect, or let the DC's have their budget to spend on presents.

This.

@WorraLiberty Your post is confusing but tomorrow is a new day as they say. I'm keeping that one, a very kind response.

I'm sorry if I wasn't very clear, I mean I don't even know what I was crying about.

So 500 is for all clothes, all uniforms and all Christmas and birthday gifts for the entire year?

@3lucky as it stands, no uniforms aren't included (in the end).

I don't really understand this, but maybe exclude uniforms and essential clothes and give the children a lower budget. If they want something above the budget, maybe ask them to put some pocket money or savings towards it?
I must say I do agree with your DH re bras. They are an essential for your girls so seems unfair to take them out of the budget.
But no need to be upset about it regardless, you will be able to sort this out

The idea for this budget came from two places child benefit (that we'll stop getting) and that the DC (apart from the eldest one) are completely incapable of saving money or doing chores for pocket money, so they would rarely have money to top it up.

Well my younger DS has loss of hand me downs, so clothing for him costs less. Does that mean my eldest shouldn't have as many gifts because he needs more clothes?

Really there needs to be a general pool of money for essential clothing and it is bought as needed, for whichever child needs it, not necessarily evenly spent. I picked up a bunch of tshirts at some charity shops so was able to spend more on other clothing items.

There's no point dwelling on an argument where drink was involved. Go to sleep.

That said, I agree with PPs. Essentials are different from gift budgets. Even at my poorest I've never had a set budget for dc's essentials. I just spent as little as necessary. There's no way this can work to an annual budget imo.

@Doyoumind

There's no point dwelling on an argument where drink was involved. Go to sleep.

That said, I agree with PPs. Essentials are different from gift budgets. Even at my poorest I've never had a set budget for dc's essentials. I just spent as little as necessary. There's no way this can work to an annual budget imo.

Basically this. Although to be honest I'm struggling to see how £500 could ever have been expected to cover birthday gifts, Christmas gifts and clothes, including uniform, so I'd agree with your DH about excluding that.

I would exclude uniforms - they should not be in budget.

@gilt believe it or not I only spent around £250 altogether on the 11yo, about £200 on the 16yo, and maybe like £180 on the 9yo.

I think this is a budget per child for next year? For birthdays and Xmas 2022, 500 each?

I can understand doing budget for year but I'm not at all sure I understand why you told them?

What if circs change, and you can't manage that?

And first it was for presents, then argument about school uniform coming out of it. That's not for presents then, it includes essentials. Now getting into whether bra in or out of the 500?

Why not budget I dunno 300 each for presents, and 200 each (or whatever) for uniforms and underwear etc?

Kids paying for their own underwear and uniforms from a pot of money given for gifts, that feels strange to me.

If the two younger are told have pot for presents and xyz to play with, but not how much. How do they work to s budget themselves?

You said bad at saving, what if decide not to buy pants etc and make do somehow and spend the whole lot in Jan?

If you would step in at that point then it's not their budget/ money to do whatever with.

What else is included? I'd think things like days out with friends, spending out shopping would be more obvious than uniform as a thing to include.

Am I missing something?