Crying over misunderstanding

[Onlyrainbows]

Sorry MN I obviously have no one to talk to this time of day. My DH and I had a minor argument over "budgets" we agreed to to budget £500 per DC for clothes and presents (both birthdays and Christmas). He is of the idea that uniforms should be excluded, I think they should be included. Well, we originally agreed we'd let the oldest one about how much there was in there budgets, and the younger ones just tell them that they had a certain budget that counted for everything, so they could play around with it without knowing the amount. We did tell the oldest one, but my DH regrets it and now we have to retract it. We BOTH agreed that this is what needs to happen, bit then he went on about how we're going to disappoint the again. Then the conversation went sideways (he kept drinking during the course of it) but after 3 hours of it I just feel annoyed and sad that there were so many misunderstandings and there's always my upbringing Vs his and trying to make them align when in reay they were very different. He's asleep and I'm crying fairly pointlessly but I don't know what else to do.

Even without including uniforms, Grouping gifts and clothing together is not going to work. It’s really not going to work with uniforms. It’s also not going to work to set the same amount for every child.

What if one grows faster and one grows slower? Girls clothing is almost always more expensive for some stupid reason, plus the need for bras and things like period pants. When it gets to be uniforms, the schools may not require the same things in different years.

I understand that sometimes kids want to upgrade pieces as they get older. That is why when it is time to buy a kid new clothing, you work out how many pieces of each type of clothing they need to replace, figure out a budget, and tell them that if they want anything that costs beyond that budget, either they pay the difference, or they put the item on their wish list for birthday or Christmas and they may or may not get it.

@cheese it's because the pot it's not just for presents, I guess it's general shopping (which would include clothes and presents). We haven't had to spend to much on the girls because the 12yo ends up stealing my clothes and the 9yo gets the hand me downs. For the past few years Primark clothes for the most part, so wanted to give them an "upgrade" telling them about it was supposed to be good news, but as you pointed out it's completely pointless

spend less on alcohol and provide your children with underwear and school uniform?

Tomorrow things might look better. And you don’t know what next year will bring yet.

@cissy we don't know what it will bring but hopefully financial stability for once. A year ago our joint income was £45k, it has now jumped to £100k but it's hard to know how to/when to splurge

Uniforms and essential clothes are not splurging. Definitely go to bed.

Sorry that did not come out the way I meant it. I am going to bed myself now.

@3lucky but what is essential? My DH said Urban outfitters could still be classified as such, and I said that is overpriced and thus not essential.

When I was 16 I started to get a clothes allowance but my mum bought me underwear and school uniform/ shoes and one pair of sports (not fashion) trainers. That seemed a good compromise. I soon learned that if I wanted designer stuff I had very little of it so I saved up and waited for the sales/ got into vintage (aka jumble sales) etc. Also I had a few PT jobs that I'd also waste spend in Miss Selfridge. I'd ask for jeans etc for Christmas and that was separate.

That is very individual though, isn't it? Clearly with that budget a £50 t-shirt would not be essential, but a child with pronating feet could easily have shoes that cost $80+. Which would be essential.

Thanks @insert that's actually very helpful!

Firstly why would you tell them their budget? Utterly pointless. Secondly, school clothes are essentials as are everyday clothes. Thirdly, one of your children only has one pair of shoes?! You've set a £500 budget for gifts but they only have one pair shoes! I think you need to really reevaluate this and stop being so regimented. I get you need to budget but just set aside an amount each month for 'essentials'. If it gets spends great, if it doesn't great. It can get added to the pot. Bra's should not be part of their 'budget'!! Also, if your children want something that extra bit special then they can learn to save for it - if they don't save that's their problem and they miss out!

@crimson £500 is not gifts! It's for gifts and clothes, if we were to have a "just gifts" I think it would be £200. We only bought the 12yo one pair of shoes because she's decided she prefers to raid my closet/shoe collection.

Yes because you are buying her one pair of primark shoes by the sounds of it! I think it is disgusting especially on what you earn.

Buy your children clothes! You can afford to drink then you can afford clothes.

Feel sorry for them that the never have decent clothes! It's one thing to have no money but to take it out on them on Christmas and birthdays if their feet grow is mean. You shouldn't have children if you don't want to cloth them!

@mousemay when did I say I buy them Primark shoes? The shoes in question were gazelles btw. They've never had a clothes budget in itself , we just bought them whatever they needed as cheaply as possible (tk Maxx is great in that way). They've always had £200 (or less) for presents, and we certainly have never spent £300 on clothes, so £500 is already an upgrade.

Also what about weather appropriate clothing. If it snows, she can't go about in a pair of school shoes and how come you have such a shoe collection when a 12 year old is wearing one pair of shoes all the time? Do you charge her for hats, scarfs, gloves and winter footwear? They will be getting a orange for Christmas at this rate. What if they spill something on their clothes

@YouCantTourniquetTheTaint

Essentials like school uniforms, underwear, socks and school shoes shouldn't be included in a budget that is meant for birthdays and Christmas. They are the basics that you need to supply.

The budget is for gifts not essentials. Either lower the budget and then pay for uniform ect, or let the DC's have their budget to spend on presents.

This. Totally bizarre budgeting method. Children have different expenses and needs year to year. Set £50 for birthdays £50 for Christmas or whatever and buy them clothes

The idea you want to include uniforms as well into what is essentially a £45 pm budget is ridiculous. My uniform and school shoes probably worked out at £20-30pm in 1995.

Whether intentional or not your behaviour is low level abusive.
"Your feet grew and you have no budget left so here is a £5 christmas gift"
"You got a PS4 so now you have £14 for school shoes"

You need to have a word with yourself.

Really??? You have just said younger child only really gets hand me downs and now their shopping designer You want to know when to splurge...tomorrow take your kids and buy them every essential and weather appropriate clothes that would be my advice!

Just rtft
You make £100k?!? And your youngest is in primark hand me downs and the other has one pair of shoes?
Christ the only people crying should be your children...

To be honest, if you have a joint income of 100k why are you quibbling about clothes for the children. Set a budget for birthdays/Christmas, then spend as and when you need it. You can always keep a tally if you want to make it fair but depending on what your children are into clothes wise, it will vary,
My toddler has more shoes than all your children put together!!! All weather dependent so I really think you need to invest more wisely!!

@mouse because my shoe collection started about 22 years ago or so... And converse have looked the same for the past 60-80 years? Same with my clothes, I have t-shirts from when I was 15 and the 12yo thinks they're cool. It never snows here, so we don't have to worry about that sort of thing.

Converse might look the same but they certainly show wear pretty darn quickly! And bloody awful in the cold/wet!

This becoming more and more bizarre.. sorry you live somewhere with no different seasons but it has a tkmaxx

Honestly OP I think you're massively over thinking because one or both of you have had big raises and that's exciting for whomever had the lower income childhood esp (you mention trying to align experiences growing up?

Sent a mental budget for Xmas and Birthday and discuss it at the time (what's on your list, yes that's in budget, jesus kid im not spending 1k on that etc)

If they need uniforms or bras or basic clothes they get brought. They just get paid for. Not taking £20 off Maryanne's Christmas budget cos she hit puberty.

Then if you want to let them upgrade their wardrobe, work out what you can afford per kid, divide it by 4 and each month give one child a shopping trip. So they go every 3 months with X cash and can get stuff they want. If what they want is outside of that, they can have an advance but no fun upgrades when it's next their turn. It'll help them work our what they want, pick up seasonal bits as they go etc.

@crimson from next year that will be the joint income. But I still stand that even if we can afford a £40 sweatshirt that doesn't mean I would buy it. I rarely buy anything that's more than £10 for myself although I have to invest in decent clothes for my new job. For the 9yo we usually buy her shoes at Tkmaxx her DM looking boots were like 15 and she's bought a few other decent leather shoes for about 15-20