Crying over misunderstanding

[Onlyrainbows]

Sorry MN I obviously have no one to talk to this time of day. My DH and I had a minor argument over "budgets" we agreed to to budget £500 per DC for clothes and presents (both birthdays and Christmas). He is of the idea that uniforms should be excluded, I think they should be included. Well, we originally agreed we'd let the oldest one about how much there was in there budgets, and the younger ones just tell them that they had a certain budget that counted for everything, so they could play around with it without knowing the amount. We did tell the oldest one, but my DH regrets it and now we have to retract it. We BOTH agreed that this is what needs to happen, bit then he went on about how we're going to disappoint the again. Then the conversation went sideways (he kept drinking during the course of it) but after 3 hours of it I just feel annoyed and sad that there were so many misunderstandings and there's always my upbringing Vs his and trying to make them align when in reay they were very different. He's asleep and I'm crying fairly pointlessly but I don't know what else to do.

One very successful business woman also buys everything at Primark/Tk Maxx because she thinks of they want "branded" stuff they can buy it when they earn their own money. She much prefers to prioritise holidays. A very good friend of mine gave a similar answer.

This bears no resemblance to what you've described of your own family.

As an aside, it's depressing to hear so many people earning lots of money are supporting the sweat shops behind fast fashion.

Well actually the idea of budgets came from my previous marriage. We had a budget for everything. There was even one for shampoo. Uniforms did come from the general clothes budget (there was a separate Christmas with presents). BTW this was not my idea but my exHs. I only bought one pair of shoes last year because at some point somehow she ended up with more than 4 pairs, that doesn't she only has one pair, it means I from my pocket only bought her one, and guess what she still goes and prefers my converse. She has her own clothes but prefers mine. You make it sound like she has zero clothes of her own and all came.from.my closet, I'd say at least half did,.the rest are hers but she doesn't wear them. At her dad's she has leggings that apparently she doesn't like (and thus ends up taking my clothes). Ultimately my husband agrees with the system. We've removed essentials and uniforms from the equation. Regardless, I think £350 is still a decent amount to spend on clothes considering this should only cover half of all of their clothes (if we were to have them FT it would be £700) how is that SO terrible?

I think OP is getting a hard time on here. Yes, OP should provide for her kids and definitely kit them out with adequate underwear. She has accepted she was wrong to deduct the uniforms and essentials from the clothing budget. As an aside, I dont think I spend anywhere near £500 per child for clothes in a year. Never really totted it up tbh. Uniforms and school shoes (Clark's - properly measured) are an expensive do though, but I go halves with my ex for those. My parents always buy my kids clothes and one main present at xmas. I buy shoes/trainers/waterproofs/general clothes and underwear throughout the year as an when needed. I have 2 boys and 2 older male nephews so mine have always had a mix of hand-me-downs and new stuff. Anyway, I've gone off piste.

OP has said she bought her dd 4 bras so she is taking onboard what's being said, even though it's hard to sift through the info.

@Onlyrainbows - is it worth finding out from your ex exactly what clothing is available to your daughter when she spends her time there? Then agree a way forward with ex to make sure she has adequate clothing for both homes? Bra shopping should definitely be done with you though, not her dad.

After the bra fiasco withy exH (I offered to buy them for him and he said no...) I think the best solution is to ask my daughter. Because he's completely unaware of her needs in that way. I used to buy her clothes and we'd go 50/50. We tendo to go shopping twice a year and that's when we buy them stuff, that way they'd have access to more shops too. Sometime last year my husband decided that didn't work for him anymore and he'd buy the clothes himself. It is clear to me now, that he really hasn't done it or it was his DM who did it and she didn't like the clothes.

You also seem totally unaware of their needs. You said you left it three months before noticing that she didn’t have the bras. Shopping generally for three teenagers twice annually doesn’t necessarily work - they grow too quickly.
Your the parent. You should know what and when your kids need to a fair degree.

In that case @Onlyrainbows, have a chat with your daughter about what she needs. Buy her the essentials and throw in the odd treat (pink bra or whatever) here and there. Make sure the essentials are definitely covered though. Socks, knickers, bra, pe kit, shoes for different things (walking boots, school shoes, trainers, and maybe something dressier in case she goes to a party for example). Don't neglect the other children in tour care either though. Sort something out with your dh.

My kids get a mix of clothing and toys from me at christmas for example. I set a budget at christmas and birthdays for my kids and yes it does include clothes, but tbh they get quite a number of fun toys too. I definitely do not include the school uniform in that budget, that's completely separate and bought on an as and when need basis.

I hope you are not making plans based on the imagined income from this new job.

If your responses and level of comprehension on this thread (and the totally bizarre "wedding jacket" thread) are anything to go by, you won't be there for very long.

I feel so sorry for all the children caught up in this nonsense.

Thank you so much for the best wishes skelling . To the other two PP I know I should have figured out the lack of bras, but between believing my ex husband, the house move, redundancy, and that generally the other house can be a black hole for clothes, it wasn't obvious to me. I disagree about the "shopping trips" my parents did it, and I know many who lived that way so it's completely possible. They also get more options rather than just Tkmaxx, Primark , and next.

Oh and my daughter did have different types of shoes up to last year when it was clear she left her outdoorsy shoes (she doesn't like going for walks) and party shoes pretty much brand new.

You’ve already said that your parents had weird financial rules. Your own DH has called them arseholes, stop emulating them.

Also we have access to a massive range of shops - that’s what the internet was created for.

Look I don’t want to stick the boot in, but please have a think about how your very odd money attitudes are affecting your family.

@Onlyrainbows this is all so bizarre - I’m still intrigued as to where on earth you are geographically that has tk maxx, next, primark and Asda but doesn’t have seasons…..

Well there's seasons but no snow... Last time it snowed was Feb/march 2018, and it was not even a week. Why would anybody buy snow shoes for something that's so hit and miss? Unless people meant wellies? Sorel type shoes that could be worn for rain or snow?

Party shoes are worn only occasionally. I hardly ever wear heels. Get your daughter some nice outfit shoes. You can always flog them on ebay when she grows out of them.

I don't think she'd want party/art shoes the closest thing she'd like is leopard print converse (I guess) but I'll ask. My stepdaughter has party/smart shoes and my daughter really dislikes them. That's why I'd assume she doesn't want/need any, but I'll ask anyways.

We had a budget for everything. There was even one for shampoo.

What about tinned peaches. Was there one for tinned peaches? If so, how much and if not, why not?

No, nothing for tinned peaches. Now that I think about there was one for non perishables (but I think that was more like tin foil), but there was one for drinks! I do remember that one and it included soft drinks! We gradually moved away from such granular budgeting, but we did them properly for around 4 years. Then there were at least 6-8 categories. My ex-husband read it on MSE and thought it was the best thing in the universe. I don't agree for it to be so granular, but they do make some sense.

[quote Pipsquiggle]@saltinesandcoffeecups

I do agree about budgeting to some extent but I don't think it's realistic to have the same budget for each child given the difference in ages.[/quote]
Fair enough, I didn’t really catch the kids ages. That would also factor into how much information and autonomy they were given. It should be proportionate to age.

@Onlyrainbows

BTW I did ask the people who know me and got different answers. Some spend £1000, others £250. One very successful business woman also buys everything at Primark/Tk Maxx because she thinks of they want "branded" stuff they can buy it when they earn their own money. She much prefers to prioritise holidays. A very good friend of mine gave a similar answer.

I did tot up what we spend on DD as part of considering what allowance to give her. It was about £200 a year on clothes (excluding school uniform) plus ones which were more frivolous (want rather than need) and excluding bras (we can go a long time without buying them but last time she went up a cup size we spent £80 on new ones including getting a good, supportive sports bra). We also feel like branded stuff is completely unnecessary so happy for them to get it as a birthday/ xmas present or top up what I would spend with their own pocket/ birthday money to buy something they want but don't need. That said, we got DS Nike school shoes as they did look much better quality than the cheaper ones (he is too old for leather 'school shoes') so it's not a rigid 'we will never buy branded' rule. We don't have a budget per se though as it's almost impossible to predict when a child will need new clothes. It's not like buying for an adult. If we need to reduce holiday costs in order to buy clothing for the kids, then so be it. We prioritise holidays over branded clothing but not over my DD, for example, having 4 good bras plus a sports bra - all of which fit her.

I don’t think you should lump clothes and gifts together. They need to budgeted for separately..

To give you an idea what we do:

My 15 yo DS gets £40 pocket money and £40 clothing budget each month. This gives him some control and teaches him about money. On top of this I pay for his phone contact and game pass (another £20 pm).

He tends to like expensive trainers so will buy cheaper t shirts to compensate. If he needed school uniform I would buy that and reduce the clothing budget to £30 pm but he doesn’t need uniform.

He is allowed to use pocket money or birthday/Christmas money to top up clothing budget but not the other way around. I have just spent £250 on him for Christmas. Birthdays are less £100-150. I budget £500 pa for ‘gifts’ so £350-400 go on DS and the rest on gifts for others/birthday/Christmas treats.

Thank you Scarlet that's helpful

And whatiswrong both you and scarlet get the gist of it.

£40 a month on clothes really would be ok if you gave a decent amount a Christmas and birthdays. But as you don’t and considering what you’re going to be earning, it isn’t much. A pair of branded trainers are over £100 and that is more than you want to spend for Christmas or birthday. I get you keep on saying this is 50% of the total budget that should be spent. But you can’t get blood out of a stone if your ex won’t go halves.

So I also think your budget for presents should be upped and go with this £40 + £40. Again I understand you want this to be a halves from your ex. But you really cannot get blood out of a stone.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Ugh I’m here to agree with you that it’s disgusting people on 100k or otherwise are supporting places like primark which are effectively sweat shops.

My daughter up until this rough patch had fairly decent birthday presents, when she turned 9 she got an epiphone guitar, (which is now in the loft, but that's ok). We got my stepson a Portal device for his birthday, so not too bad either. Christmas presents are slightly different as both my DH have a bit of an ideological stance on it, but I would be a lot more comfortable to do it for their birthdays. I agree about my ex husband though, I tried to reason with him about our clothes situation and it was a firm "no, I'll ask her stepmom to do it". After that bra fiasco, now I know I have keep pushing for it or at least remind him until he does something.

I will add that DSs Dad (my ex) sometimes buys clothing items for DS eg walking boots, wetsuit. And that if I felt he was struggling to buy clothes I would increase his budget or top it up but he does ok (and is happy with the arrangement) 👍

Household income here is £35k but then I only have one DC too.