Crying over misunderstanding

[Onlyrainbows]

Sorry MN I obviously have no one to talk to this time of day. My DH and I had a minor argument over "budgets" we agreed to to budget £500 per DC for clothes and presents (both birthdays and Christmas). He is of the idea that uniforms should be excluded, I think they should be included. Well, we originally agreed we'd let the oldest one about how much there was in there budgets, and the younger ones just tell them that they had a certain budget that counted for everything, so they could play around with it without knowing the amount. We did tell the oldest one, but my DH regrets it and now we have to retract it. We BOTH agreed that this is what needs to happen, bit then he went on about how we're going to disappoint the again. Then the conversation went sideways (he kept drinking during the course of it) but after 3 hours of it I just feel annoyed and sad that there were so many misunderstandings and there's always my upbringing Vs his and trying to make them align when in reay they were very different. He's asleep and I'm crying fairly pointlessly but I don't know what else to do.

I can't envisage having set budgets in this way. What happens if there's money left over at the end of the year, does the child get it? Is every tiny receipt kept, filed and added up?

What a rubbish way to live.

Why are you keeping a score card for your children's lives. Throw your "budgets" in the bin. Live your life.

Why don't you give them a monthly allowance? Unless I'm missing something?

Since my DDs were pretty young 9 I think. They've had an allowance and a payment card. Initially they had €35 a month. Now at 16&17 it's €70. Initially I worked out a budget for a new wardrobe of essentials and halved it as they already had a wardrobe.

They buy all clothes, presents, shoes, sports kit with that.

I pay for phone and travel cards.

Big budget gifts are joint presents from everyone.

Essentials should not be included....i am surprised your DC should buy themselves underwear and consider it a gift from you? I would just reduce the gift budget to 200 and this time consider it a REAL present budget....if they have a growth spur and need a new pair of shoes and budget is 0 what will they do?

£500 to include all Christmas and birthday gifts too? That’s not a huge amount if they have to buy a winter / summer wardrobe out of it. Kids grow so assume they need to replace most of their wardrobe every year. I personally just buy stuff as and when. My DD (13) will sometimes ask if she can order some things from Shein, and my son (17) tends to get clothes for bday and Christmas (he mainly wears sports stuff). If I was to budget same as you do I’d struggle as they don’t just have clothes for bday and Christmas.

I think you are both being ridiculous.
Its your job to provide clothes for your children without it having to be out of their present budget.

To the poster who things bei g the lost frugal person in the world means you 'win'....it doesn't.

This family will be bringing home around 60k a year. Limiting kids basics or taking money off their Christmas budget for needing new underwear isn't fugal, or yrying to be environmentally friendly.....and it is abusive.

The bare minimum a parent should be doing is clothing their child .

I have no problem with hand me downs, but they do need supplementing with new clothes. No child wants to live entirely in their parents or big sisters clothes. If money is tight and it has to be that way, then it does. Bit let's not pretend that kids often grow up with hang ups from being brought up poor.

And this way of living isn't helping the the girls is it? Who op inisits can't possibly save anything. They can, they just haven't been taught.

In all likelihood the girls will go on to have poor money management when they finally get their own income. Children of tight parents don't always become tight themselves. Sometimes they go the other way.

My firms don't like wearing white bras for school as you can see them through the school shirts. They quite often opt for pink. Regardless I just buy their underwear in whatever colour and style they want. If your dd has found a bra she likes just get them in all the colours.

Oh an a 3 hour cinverstation with tears is ridiculous

Op, have you deciated the booze he was drinking of his yearly budget?

What are the budgets for you and dh?

*deducted

*my girls 🙄

For all those that say that she rides my closet out of necessity that's no the case. Before (about 5 years ago) I was on a similar salary than my new one. So she'd get whatever she wanted )and barely wear anything) but she'd always ask if she could wear my clothes, back then she didn't fit in them, but ever since she started fitting in them she uses my closet almost as a "shop". In the summer she got at least at least pairs of shoes from visiting relatives, so she has newish shoes to her liking -- but now that she's figured out she fits in my converse she's been wearing those non stop. Even yesterday I got a hoodie for DH and she asked if she could wear it too one day. She got some clothes for Christmas and just yesterday she was still wearing my jeans because she prefers mine.

Uniforms aren’t a present

Then why don't you but her hoodies like you did her dad?

Because she doesn't need a men's size medium hoodie? She's grown up a lot this year, yesterday she told me "just because I like something doesn't mean I want it".

You're on 100k income and expect your daughters to wear your clothes and each others, but your son gets to buy new?.... Ok

if they have a growth spur and need a new pair of shoes and budget is 0 what will they do?

It’s a great question but no doubt it will get ignored like every other reasonable point or question on this thread because OP isn’t accepting that literally 100% of people think this is shitty/cruel/bizarre.

Jesus she asked for a pink bra not a Moncler jacket. You will be setting your kids up for some serious issues around money with this attitude.

This is ridiculous.

Buy your children clothes when they need them. Buy them uniform. Buy them presents when they need them.

Sounds like North fucking Korea. You must be some laugh at parties.

@Onlyrainbows

Because she doesn't need a men's size medium hoodie? She's grown up a lot this year, yesterday she told me "just because I like something doesn't mean I want it".

But she does want this mens hoodie.

You have bought her clothes she doesn't wear.....and would like to wear your dhs mens medium hoodie

So the Clothes you bought her, weren't what she wanted or needed.

Honestly if you think £200 for presents, day that, although across birthday and Christmas that's not generous on that income.
£300 for clothes including uniform isn't either, well fitting school shoes for a teen can be over £50 alone what if there feet grow and they need more than one pair? Blazers at some schools are £60+. I agree with your husband you seem to be being unnecessarily tight.

Relatives bought your daughter shoes when they visited? Did you wonder why they did that?

@Jurgens when did I say that was expected? And when they've needed new shoes we buy them new ones. Obviously there are certain things you can't plan for, but I'd like them to be aware that sometimes you need to save mone for emergencies (which would.be the idea of their budget) but maybe they're too small, although the 16yo the idea perfectly well..

If the children need clothes you buy them. Secondary school uniform just cost me £300. So that doesn't leave a lot.

Birthday/Christmas. Main presents is x. Whatever you can afford. Then you get some bits and bobs. Pjs sweets. Make up. Smellies.

The amount is roughly equal but not set in stone. And not the same for each child. They have different needs.

Older teens if I could afford it I would give them an allowance for them to manage their own expenses. Good life lesson for them to have. But I'm not in that position.

Having a specific annual budget per child for gifts is fine.

But I think doing it for essentials is wrong.

What if one child has a huge growth spurt one year, but the other doesn't. Does the child that has grown have to go around in clothes that don't fit because they've been unlucky and exceeded their budget? Also, your DH is right about bras etc - these are essentials.

Set an annual budget per child for gifts (i.e. non essentials) and stick to it. Don't tell them what it is though, as they don't really need to know.

For essentials (clothes, shoes, uniforms, underwear etc.) set an annual household budget and use it as needed to make sure all children have what they need. One child might need more than the other in certain years, and that's okay provided they both have their needs addressed.