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Original poster

Crying over misunderstanding

625 replies

Onlyrainbows · 29/12/2021 01:34

Sorry MN I obviously have no one to talk to this time of day. My DH and I had a minor argument over "budgets" we agreed to to budget £500 per DC for clothes and presents (both birthdays and Christmas). He is of the idea that uniforms should be excluded, I think they should be included. Well, we originally agreed we'd let the oldest one about how much there was in there budgets, and the younger ones just tell them that they had a certain budget that counted for everything, so they could play around with it without knowing the amount. We did tell the oldest one, but my DH regrets it and now we have to retract it. We BOTH agreed that this is what needs to happen, bit then he went on about how we're going to disappoint the again. Then the conversation went sideways (he kept drinking during the course of it) but after 3 hours of it I just feel annoyed and sad that there were so many misunderstandings and there's always my upbringing Vs his and trying to make them align when in reay they were very different. He's asleep and I'm crying fairly pointlessly but I don't know what else to do.

OP posts:
Offmyfence · 29/12/2021 08:30

@Onlyrainbows

For all those that say that she rides my closet out of necessity that's no the case. Before (about 5 years ago) I was on a similar salary than my new one. So she'd get whatever she wanted )and barely wear anything) but she'd always ask if she could wear my clothes, back then she didn't fit in them, but ever since she started fitting in them she uses my closet almost as a "shop". In the summer she got at least at least pairs of shoes from visiting relatives, so she has newish shoes to her liking -- but now that she's figured out she fits in my converse she's been wearing those non stop. Even yesterday I got a hoodie for DH and she asked if she could wear it too one day. She got some clothes for Christmas and just yesterday she was still wearing my jeans because she prefers mine.
Your relatives buy your children shoes..why?
Hotyogahotchoc · 29/12/2021 08:31

You sound batshit and your posts barely make sense

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 29/12/2021 08:32

She didn't get shoes because she needed them. My 12yo has a history of buying things she doesn't need at all (mostly shoes for some reason). At some point last year, she had 3 decent pair of shoes (ones were part of her birthday present) she wore those like ,4-5 times over 9 months. Some horrible hiking shoes that belonged in the bin she'd wear those all the time. It was a great pleasure to finally throw them away. So wearing my clothes has become a much more decent compromise. I don't have to question why she doesn't wear the things she claims she wants but never wears.

OP posts:
icedcoffees · 29/12/2021 08:33

The whole thing just sounds so messed up and actually, like others have said, it's actually a little abusive.

Children should be provided with proper shoes, clothes and school uniform as standard. By all means set a budget per child for Christmas and birthday presents but you can't say "well we've spent too much on your uniform this year so you only get a book whereas your brother didn't do any growing so he gets a PlayStation" Hmm

icedcoffees · 29/12/2021 08:34

My 12yo has a history of buying things she doesn't need at all (mostly shoes for some reason). At some point last year, she had 3 decent pair of shoes (ones were part of her birthday present) she wore those like ,4-5 times over 9 months.

Isn't that totally normal? I have plenty of things I only use a few times a year - it doesn't mean I don't need or want them!

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/12/2021 08:34

@DressingPafe

Your daughter most likely HAS TO raid your wardrobe and wear your old converse as a necessity, not because she wants to

I also suspect this is the case. I grew up very poor and used to wear my dads old jumpers! It wasn’t a fashion choice, I just had hardly any clothes of my own.

You’ve decided you don’t want your kids to be “spoilt”. Fair enough, but you’re going too far the other way. As many other posters have said, basics should be provided regardless. That is the minimum required of a parent. Then a budget for upgrades/gifts is fine.

I also meant to include this. My friend is a teacher. She talked of a child, who comes to school in non uniform days in her mother’s clothes because she doesn’t have any of her own. She doesn’t even have a school cardigan.

I also raided my mother’s wardrobe when I was about 14 a few times. Do you really think I wanted to wear things, which were 4 sizes too big for me to look nice?! My first serious boyfriend couldn’t understand why my underwear was so fugly. We were rather well off.

2022newname · 29/12/2021 08:36

At some point last year, she had 3 decent pair of shoes (ones were part of her birthday present) she wore those like ,4-5 times over 9 months. Some horrible hiking shoes that belonged in the bin she'd wear those all the time

So she wore the shoes that she chose. Rather than the ones that you did. So now she can’t choose at all and has to wear yours instead.
Can you not see the issue here?

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/12/2021 08:37

I don’t know how you can continue to read these comments and not think past the end of your nose. No 12 year old wants to wear her mother’s clothes. And why the heck is she not allowed to make mistakes about her clothes?! My 13 yo dd makes loads. She has once or twice worn hoodies, shoes she’s worn to death and others she has hardly worn. She is human. Your dd is only 12. Why are you expecting her to behave like an adult.

MsTSwift · 29/12/2021 08:37

Clothes can be massively important to some teens. Yes spending more on a north Face rather than M&S own brand winter coat doesn’t make financial sense but means so much to them. One of the reasons we work hard is so our girls can have the things that are important to them. Otherwise what’s the point?! Your reasoning is very odd to me.

3luckystars · 29/12/2021 08:39

The relatives give them shoes.

I think you need to talk to someone about your money issues as it will definitely have an affect on your children. Have you an ‘Employee Assistance Programme’ at work.

There is something deep down that has made money completely take over your thoughts like this. Most couples do not spend hours agonising over budgets and tiny details like that. It’s like you are trying to convince your husband that this is the way. I really think you need help. All the best.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 29/12/2021 08:39

For those who keep going on about using my closet as a personal shop, it will probably have to stop now as she doesn't fit in them anymore.

OP posts:
2022newname · 29/12/2021 08:39

Also where does this stop? Should they buy their own deodorant, sanitary towels, etc?

You are going to suck the joy out of their lives. And as for your 16yr old being happy with it. I would imagine that she has no clue how much her uniform actually costs - and being a teenager would probably happily live in one with holes in the elbows of it meant she could instead have whatever the latest fashion is for the weekend

2022newname · 29/12/2021 08:40

Pressed send too soon. All she had heard is the words £500. She doesn’t know about your arbitrary budgets.

Auntycorruption · 29/12/2021 08:40

[quote Onlyrainbows]@sleeping it's me who had the massive payrise (tripled in 12 months). I come from an "affluent" background with "bizarre" budgeting rules. We only got new clothes twice a year but it was proper shopping sprees but would get a CD for Christmas. I also have kept some clothes and shoes from the past 25 years and still wear them! My DH comes from a working class background but his parents always tried to get the best things they could afford. [/quote]
You have issues from your own life which are now affecting your family. Can you explore this further with someone ?

None of what your be said above is normal; especially not in a £100k household

Offmyfence · 29/12/2021 08:41

@Onlyrainbows

For those who keep going on about using my closet as a personal shop, it will probably have to stop now as she doesn't fit in them anymore.
Will the 9 year old take over?
BreatheAndFocus · 29/12/2021 08:41

Scrap the budgets except for gifts. Have a set amount to spend on each DC for birthdays, then another set amount for Xmas.

Buy essential clothes for them, but any ‘extras’ eg if they want a ridiculously expensive pair of trainers instead of good quality basic ones, are to come from their pocket money.

I don’t really understand all the stress of this. I have very little money so maybe that makes it ‘easier’, but the principles are still the same, I think. Buy what they need and make sure each child is treated fairly ie if you buy one a posh hoodie as a treat, buy the others something similar.

You don’t need budget pots for child expenses, only for gifts. Use your common sense for the rest. If your 100k is burning a hole in your pocket and you feel you should be giving your DC some, then set up savings or similar for them and pay a bit in each month so they can use it in the future for a car, driving lessons or whatever.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 29/12/2021 08:41

@2022 because she chose those shoes? I didn't unilaterally went a bought her those shoes. She chose them as part of her birthday presents.

OP posts:
PoshWatchShitShoes · 29/12/2021 08:41

It doesn't seem fair to include uniform or underwear in their clothing budget.

Surely it makes more sense to buy them the basics that they need, including socks, basic T-shirts, coats, hat/scarf etc and then give them a budget for any designer/expensive discretionary fashion items on top of these.

BlueShirtGuy · 29/12/2021 08:41

@Onlyrainbows

She didn't get shoes because she needed them. My 12yo has a history of buying things she doesn't need at all (mostly shoes for some reason). At some point last year, she had 3 decent pair of shoes (ones were part of her birthday present) she wore those like ,4-5 times over 9 months. Some horrible hiking shoes that belonged in the bin she'd wear those all the time. It was a great pleasure to finally throw them away. So wearing my clothes has become a much more decent compromise. I don't have to question why she doesn't wear the things she claims she wants but never wears.

God this is so messed up. She's a child. Of course she's buying things she doesn't need. You are supposed to buy the things she does need.

You didn't approve of what she was buying and what she was wearing so she's had to wear what,is approved of. Your clothes, your shoes and your dh's hoodie.

A history of buying things she doesn't need! A history! She's twelve! What should she be buying? Her own lightbulbs?

Ponoka7 · 29/12/2021 08:42

"I don't have to question why she doesn't wear the things she claims she wants but never wears."

Yes you do because something is going on with her. If a simple discussion that shouldn't even need this level of dissection takes three hours and ends in your tears, then I wonder how honest she can be with you. It sounds as though she likes casual, practical wear. She's wearing your stuff and your DH because she does actually enjoy clothes. There's a level of neglect going on.

Jumpingintomenopause · 29/12/2021 08:42

@icedcoffees

The whole thing just sounds so messed up and actually, like others have said, it's actually a little abusive.

Children should be provided with proper shoes, clothes and school uniform as standard. By all means set a budget per child for Christmas and birthday presents but you can't say "well we've spent too much on your uniform this year so you only get a book whereas your brother didn't do any growing so he gets a PlayStation" Hmm

This. You sound insane @Onlyrainbows.

Families on genuinely low budgets receive school clothing allowance to help. On a decent salary you grudge/control spending.

For reference DD17 was around £300 for school clothes, shoes and bag alone this year. We have 3DC and Christmas budgets alone are £500 each but vary depending on need.

3luckystars · 29/12/2021 08:43

Also there is a brilliant book called ‘the barefoot investor’ and he does a book for families too about pocket money, that might be useful to you as it is really common sense and VERY SIMPLE.
Like he would say to the 16 year old ‘if you can get my car insurance for cheaper, you can keep the difference’ and let them ring around for quotes for you.

Good luck and do try to get some help or counselling, it sounds like your childhood has had a huge impact on you. Take care.

Changemaname1 · 29/12/2021 08:46

100k a year salary and a child’s entires budget for the the whole year for gifts clothes ( and uniform if you had your way ) is 500 quid ?!

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 29/12/2021 08:47

No the 9yo has a completely different taste in clothes. The truth is we're using some.of the extra money to visit my family and have a nice holiday as well as to make this house a home and save just in case either of us ends up without work for whatever reason.

OP posts:
Keeva2017 · 29/12/2021 08:49

Please take away from this post op, that your mindset is potentially damaging to your children. I say this with kindness but it’s just completely bizarre and whilst you think you are being sensible and budgeting, You have missed the mark and really need support in understanding what drives your mindset and what’s sending you askew.