Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Vaccine arguments are pulling us apart

390 replies

SmithCW · 28/12/2021 12:03

Hi everyone,

This is really hard for me to talk about as I know how judgemental some people are over anything COVID related. So, both me and my husband aren't vaccinated against COVID. At first it was because we weren't old enough (mid 20s) but when it became available for us we, like many of our peers, were hesitant to take the leap. The vaccine felt too new and we knew we would be TTC within the next few months and wanted to make sure it would be safe. My husband felt strongly that he didn't need it (98% survival rate for his age).

Over time there's so much more evidence about the side effects and whatnot and that coupled with the extreme pressures from society I've wanted to get vaccinated for the last few months. Problem is - he doesn't and really doesn't want me to either. His family (my in laws) have flipped and gone massive anti-vaxx in all the crazy extreme ways (they want us to promise we'd never get it) and although my husband isn't like that I can't help but feel he is heavily influenced by his family but he thinks I'm heavily influenced by mine (all had the vaccine and are desperate for me to).

It's hard to put this into words or to make people understand but I now feel CONSTANTLY anxious over this - it's like a dark cloud that follows me around. I feel like a black sheep in society and I HATE IT. But I'm also not ready to risk my marriage over it? I am so scared this will tear us apart and we are only newlyweds. We got married in Aug and have been TTC since. I just don't know what's right here. His family (especially his mum) are so full on about it that I genuinely think they'd cut me out for being vaccinated but I've been with him for 8 years and his parents are like parents to me - I'm so so scared of upsetting them. It's also sooooo hard when your husband is begging for you not to have it. He says he probably will get it eventually but not for a few years when he feels extremely confident that it won't have any future effects on our children and that we can't possibly know it won't for sure as it's not been around long enough.

I know he sounds OTT but he is honestly the most chilled guy - this is so unlike him. I have this fear that if I go and get it he: a) might just leave me. B) if I were to miscarry/ anything wrong with our child he'd blame me C) I'd tear him away from his family. They would bring this up at EVERY family gathering for years to come.

I know a lot of you will just say "your body your choice" and "good riddance" if he'd leave me but in reality that's a very, very different situation. I suppose I'm looking for some GENUINE advice here. I feel like it's breaking me apart and I can't cope anymore but I love him. I'm not stupid or naive here but I want a way to navigate and handle this in the right way.

Sorry for the long post and I hope I don't cause too much controversy- that's not my aim.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/12/2021 12:06

He says he probably will get it eventually but not for a few years when he feels extremely confident that it won't have any future effects on our children and that we can't possibly know it won't for sure as it's not been around long enough*

So his attitude is "dont get it until I say you can"? How incredibly 1950s of him.

Your body, your decision.

BasicDad · 28/12/2021 12:06

The overwhelming majority are going to say, your body, your choice, your right. Which is 100% correct.

You really shouldn't be considering having children with someone that can't understand and respect something as simple as this. Sorry.

ChristmasHost21 · 28/12/2021 12:07

In October Unvaccinated pregnant women make up one fifth of most critically ill coronavirus patients in England

This was from sky news

Do ot to protect you and any potential babies

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 28/12/2021 12:07

Could you show him your OP?

Abraxan · 28/12/2021 12:09

It's your body. If you want the vaccine, get it. He has no right to tell you that you can't or shouldn't. He can choose to risk his own exposure but not yours, and certainly not your baby's.

Starcaller · 28/12/2021 12:10

@BasicDad

The overwhelming majority are going to say, your body, your choice, your right. Which is 100% correct.

You really shouldn't be considering having children with someone that can't understand and respect something as simple as this. Sorry.

This.

Personally, I would go and get it immediately without mentioning it to him so at least the process has begun and then I would be considering what kind of future I had with someone who wanted to control what I do with my own body and who I was frightened to tell I'd had something as mundane as a vaccine that most of the country is having.

If you get pregnant, will he start policing your caffeine intake? Food?

gsaoej · 28/12/2021 12:10

You would be silly to TTC before getting the vaccine.

Pregnancy suppresses the immune system so that your body doesn’t kill the foetus. Why would you knowingly suppress your immune system by getting pregnant when there is a pandemic? Do you want to fight covid with a suppressed immune system?

So many pregnant women end up in hospital with covid. Don’t be one of them.

Get vaccinated. He doesn’t care about you if he would get you pregnant and make you so vulnerable.

AlternativePerspective · 28/12/2021 12:10

He’s not the boss of you.

Go and get vaccinated. And fgs don’t have children with him. It will be MMR he’ll be refusing for them next.

If my partner went antivaxx it would be game over for me.

GaolBhoAlba · 28/12/2021 12:11

Awful circumstances. This pandemic has brought out so many extremes in people.

My opinion, for what its worth, is you should have the vaccine. Particularly if you are planning a pregnancy, covid could pose a serious risk to you and your baby.

Go to a drop in centre, and simply dont tell him.

User3579 · 28/12/2021 12:11

Your body your choice, simple as that. Also this could set a precedent where you always give in to him to not risk your marriage. Have the vaccine if you want it and he must do whatever he feels is right for him.

MatildaTheCat · 28/12/2021 12:11

I agree, there is unequivocal evidence that covid can be extremely dangerous to pregnant women. In your position I think I would quietly go and get vaccinated and not mention it. This dull obsession that a small but vocal group of people must eventually die down.

TeaAndStrumpets · 28/12/2021 12:12

So he is willing to let you risk a horrible death because his parents are stupid? Don't mean to be rude OP, really I don't, but he cannot take these decisions on your behalf. You are his wife, not his child.

gsaoej · 28/12/2021 12:12

And learn this lesson young (unlike me)

DO NOT BE SCARED OF UPSETTING PEOPLE!
you are so scared of upsetting your pils that you would risk your life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Withnailandyou · 28/12/2021 12:13

This would be a red flag to me

How will he feel about babies getting routine jabs?

A partner and his family this upset about a medical choice are going to feel they have this power over every choice you make. If you do something they don't feel is right, this is going to be the reaction.

They are going to be like this about every pregnancy choice, breastfeeding, parenting choices like pacifiers car seat, circumcision. Lots of families struggle when grandkids are raised differently eg. Our sleep guidance is directly against what they might have been told.

Sportslady44 · 28/12/2021 12:13

Make your own mind up

DowntonCrabby · 28/12/2021 12:13

He has zero right to decide for you or actually even have a strong opinion in what you do with your own body. I’d be having some very in depth conversations as to his views on some of the potentially dividing parenting choices, NOW, before you conceive.

Get the vaccine if you want to be protected, his reaction will tell you everything about whether you should stay/have DC with him.

nanbread · 28/12/2021 12:14

@MatildaTheCat

I agree, there is unequivocal evidence that covid can be extremely dangerous to pregnant women. In your position I think I would quietly go and get vaccinated and not mention it. This dull obsession that a small but vocal group of people must eventually die down.
Same.

You don't need to tell him. Not ideal but it's a solution

Starcaller · 28/12/2021 12:15

I also want to point out that pregnancy and then giving birth often makes a man's problematic behaviour to his partner worse, not better. I'd be incredibly concerned that the signs of control over your body are beginning now, before you've even got pregnant. How can you be sure this won't escalate to trying to control other things?

user1471442488 · 28/12/2021 12:15

Who the fuck does he think he is? Fucking moron

QforCucumber · 28/12/2021 12:15

we can't possibly know it won't for sure as it's not been around long enough. he does know the vaccine wasn’t just pulled from nowhere right? And that it was, in easiest terms, an already created vaccine just tweaked for Covid?

He is aware that there are going to be many things over the years you’re going to disagree on. - what are his/his families thoughts on when you do have a baby, the standard vaccines when the baby is born? Would you defy him for those if he decides those are unnecessary too?

Why is his decision the final one, and not yours?

TeddybearBaby · 28/12/2021 12:15

I get it! It’s causing a massive rift in my family too and a falling out that went on for a months.

I can imagine you don’t even know how you feel any more when other peoples opinions are so strong and overwhelming.

I won’t tell you what to do but I will say that you’re not wrong in whatever you decide.

Sounds like your husband is coming from a place of fear which can make people act in crazy ways.

The vaccine argument reminds me of brexit. It’s really dividing us all, so sad.

Awalkintime · 28/12/2021 12:16

I would stop TTC and then lay it on the table about how if he is currently trying to stop you doing something with your body, what else will he try and control once you are pregnant? Your choices regarding the birth?

You will be in a much more vulnerable position when pregnant and if he and his family tries to control your body now, what will him and his family do when you are pregnant?

What about issues that could creep up relating to something similar - his views on childhood vaccinations etc? Would this cause conflict further down the line?

I'd be tempted to put a halt to TTC and say the same back to him.
You will get pregnant eventually but not for a few years when you feel confident that there won't be any future impact on you and the children from him and his family.

rrhuth · 28/12/2021 12:16

I have this fear that if I go and get it he: a) might just leave me.

I could not stay with someone who would leave me over a personal medical decision.

Something seems very wrong here and I think you shoudl reconsider having children with this person.

Totalwasteofpaper · 28/12/2021 12:16

@BasicDad

The overwhelming majority are going to say, your body, your choice, your right. Which is 100% correct.

You really shouldn't be considering having children with someone that can't understand and respect something as simple as this. Sorry.

Yep.

If he is this unbending and controlling on this he will just similar on several other things in your life.

I had both vaccines while pregnant as I didn't want to end up on a ventilator and dying before seeing my child. I an 5"3 and could feel my lung capacity was reducing from about 16 weeks.

You are very young and your life is yet take many of its twists and turns.

I would think HARD about tying yourself to this man with a child

AlternativePerspective · 28/12/2021 12:16

Go to a drop in centre, and simply dont tell him. Oh I would tell him. No man would dare tell me what to do with my own body to the point I felt the need to keep it secret.

He could either live with that or he could piss off.