Vaccine arguments are pulling us apart

[SmithCW]

Hi everyone,

This is really hard for me to talk about as I know how judgemental some people are over anything COVID related. So, both me and my husband aren't vaccinated against COVID. At first it was because we weren't old enough (mid 20s) but when it became available for us we, like many of our peers, were hesitant to take the leap. The vaccine felt too new and we knew we would be TTC within the next few months and wanted to make sure it would be safe. My husband felt strongly that he didn't need it (98% survival rate for his age).

Over time there's so much more evidence about the side effects and whatnot and that coupled with the extreme pressures from society I've wanted to get vaccinated for the last few months. Problem is - he doesn't and really doesn't want me to either. His family (my in laws) have flipped and gone massive anti-vaxx in all the crazy extreme ways (they want us to promise we'd never get it) and although my husband isn't like that I can't help but feel he is heavily influenced by his family but he thinks I'm heavily influenced by mine (all had the vaccine and are desperate for me to).

It's hard to put this into words or to make people understand but I now feel CONSTANTLY anxious over this - it's like a dark cloud that follows me around. I feel like a black sheep in society and I HATE IT. But I'm also not ready to risk my marriage over it? I am so scared this will tear us apart and we are only newlyweds. We got married in Aug and have been TTC since. I just don't know what's right here. His family (especially his mum) are so full on about it that I genuinely think they'd cut me out for being vaccinated but I've been with him for 8 years and his parents are like parents to me - I'm so so scared of upsetting them. It's also sooooo hard when your husband is begging for you not to have it. He says he probably will get it eventually but not for a few years when he feels extremely confident that it won't have any future effects on our children and that we can't possibly know it won't for sure as it's not been around long enough.

I know he sounds OTT but he is honestly the most chilled guy - this is so unlike him. I have this fear that if I go and get it he: a) might just leave me. B) if I were to miscarry/ anything wrong with our child he'd blame me C) I'd tear him away from his family. They would bring this up at EVERY family gathering for years to come.

I know a lot of you will just say "your body your choice" and "good riddance" if he'd leave me but in reality that's a very, very different situation. I suppose I'm looking for some GENUINE advice here. I feel like it's breaking me apart and I can't cope anymore but I love him. I'm not stupid or naive here but I want a way to navigate and handle this in the right way.

Sorry for the long post and I hope I don't cause too much controversy- that's not my aim.

Would your DH read the evidence to understand where the rumours of fertility/miscarriage risks came from and why they've been proven to be untrue? I always have all my vaccines but did a lot of reading before agreeing for my teenage DD to have hers, just so I was confident I knew of any risks. I found it reassuring to know where the misinformation started from and how the evidence shows it isn't true.

For example, someone claimed the coronavirus's spike protein contained in the vaccine was similar to a protein involved in forming the placenta. This may be where the rumours about fertility/miscarriage started. But it has been proved that coronavirus's spike protein is as similar as any two random proteins so there is no reason at all to believe the body might confuse them and there have been no more miscarriages than there have always been in the general population.
More info here

Although if it was me, I'd just go for the vaccine without telling him. Me and DH didn't discuss our vaccines at all, just made our own appointments and got on with it.

Yep. I've had covid already (months ago) and wasn't that poorly. So he feels as if I don't need it and will be fine if I get it again

Pregnancy lowers your immune system so your body doesn’t reject the foetus. If you get pregnant and then catch covid you have a whole new risk factor.

” What evidence does he have that it will affect your future children?

He doesn't. And that is EXACTLY his worry!

I mean there is plenty of evidence of perfectly healthy babies born to vaccinated women at this point. The PM’s just had one!

Your DH takes too much notice of his DPs. Why are your body/medical decisions known to them?! He needs stop involving them.

And what you decide for your own body is nothing to do with anyone else. Including your DH

I know a lot of you will just say "your body your choice" and "good riddance" if he'd leave me but in reality that's a very, very different situation.

Of course a lot of people will say that because it’s incredibly important. A man needs to have respect for your bodily autonomy.

What else is he going to try to control? Your choices in pregnancy and labour?

It also sounds as if he sees you purely as an incubator for healthy future children (not that there’s any evidence whatsoever the vaccine could harm future children, and there is evidence that catching Covid in pregnancy can be very dangerous for both mother and baby). Who the hell cares what happens to you as long as his children aren’t affected by the vaccine? Which begs the question - what will he do if his children aren’t ‘healthy’ for any reason?

In that case I’d not ttc. Ttc when you are unvaccinated against covid is a terribly bad idea.

This is worth looking at when making your decision

As an ICU nurse having looked after a very ill unvaccinated pregnant lady with covid. I would plead you to reconsider.

My poor patient had to have her baby delivered by emegency cessain at 35 wks and then be intributed to give her a better chance of survial.

He's not the right guy for you. do you want to spend yh rest of your life arguing about medical treatment for your children. I'd leave him and start again if I were you, I honestly would. He's not going to make good partner or father material while he's someasily sucked in by conspiracy theories.

Unfortunately you are being faced with a challenge after years of conflict-free cosiness and there is no easy way out of it.

You have to take a stand and meet the challenge.

my dad doesn't live nearby and wouldn't even know where to begin to support me through something like this

You need to support you.

Your choices are to get the vaccine regardless of anyone else’s feelings or make your peace with not having it. There’s really not much more that can be said about vaccination in all honesty. You don’t appear uninformed on either side of the argument so the decision is very much with you.

The dynamic you have with your husband and his family seems unhealthy from where I’m sitting but you absolutely do have a choice to take your own action.

I think it's time for him to grow up a bit, to be honest. Why on earth would he consider it appropriate to share your confidential medical decisions with his family? That is so bonkers it is beyond belief! DH's family know nothing about my health/vaccine status/decisions I have made.

I would definitely pause TTC because this man is so enmeshed with his family (to be fair, so are you) - just have a read around some of the threads on here to see what that looks like when you bring a child into that situation.

I make no comment about your decision to vaccinate or not because that's not my decision. But read again your comment about your husband 'blaming' you for miscarrying a baby/anything going wrong and ask yourself if that's the person you want to be married to. Because that's disgusting.

The thing is he appears to be so under the thumb of his family, that I would not trust him about other vaccinations either. There is no way I would ever consider TTCing with someone who might later not "allow" the MMR or BCG because his mom said so. It is child abuse.

OP on our ITU we are full of the unvaccinated, that’s not just scare mongering, it’s a fact. Also do you know how hard it is to successfully ventilate a pregnant woman with a baby squashing their lungs? We have to deliver the baby who is then potentially very sick or premature or both. Or, you could get vaccinated.

You are relying way too much on what other people think, and in all honesty, it’s got fuck all to do with your MIL.

Also, your DH may be ok with childhood vaccinations now, but what if he changes his mind? What if his parents continue to brain wash him? You can’t guarantee anything and you’ll be stuck.

OP, what does your partner do? What are his parents?

I am going to take a wild guess that they aren’t scientists, doctors or any profession that any sane person would go to for this kind of advice. So why are you?

It really is a bad situation that you feel steamrolled by them and their opinions. Who the fuck cares what they think about usual childhood vaccinations for your unborn DC?! They will have fuck all input (right?).

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/dad-unvaccinated-pregnant-woman-who-25790464.amp&ved=2ahUKEwjLz7-Yx4b1AhWJSEEAHXcDA_gQFnoECBkQAQ&usg=AOvVaw0x0khgozkDjr67Pf0fiFnQ" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/dad-unvaccinated-pregnant-woman-who-25790464.amp&ved=2ahUKEwjLz7-Yx4b1AhWJSEEAHXcDA_gQFnoECBkQAQ&usg=AOvVaw0x0khgozkDjr67Pf0fiFnQ

Sadie Exley, 26 died of Covid, talked out of getting vaccinated because her ex had 'researched' on YouTube.
There's a real risk to pregnant women of all ages.

How old is his Mum? I'll 54 but know someone who has always been in a wheelchair because of Polo. One of my teachers had it as well. It's pure stupidity to be anti every vaccine. Our generation saw the effects of polio and meningitis.

Your in laws have turned this into a huge thing but it shouldn't be. Your dh shouldn't have to worry about 'lying' to them purely by not mentioning your vaccine status.

Would he feel the need to make sure they knew when your last smear test was? Not mentioning something medical about someone isn't lying, it's just normal behaviour not to bother talking about something so trivial/personal.

I work in maternity. I’ve been involved in the care of women who like you, didn’t want to take a chance on the vaccine whilst TTC or pregnant, and had to have C sections whilst on ventilators in ICU, and didn’t meet their babies for weeks. We know that pregnant women are far more likely to get severe COVID - why would you take that risk?

Your DH takes too much notice of his DPs. Why are your body/medical decisions known to them?! He needs stop involving them.

TBF, isn’t everyone having the “you having the vaccine” conversation being had by everyone just now?

If you don't stand up for yourself now imagine what it could be like with interfering i laws and an unreasonable father for a baby.

Forget about everyone else and get the vaccine if you want it

his family sound nuts and hes not much better

what else is he going to block you from doing

You are both selfish people not getting the vaccine. It is mainly to protect others.

He sounds very controlling.

Please, please do not get pregnant before having the vaccine. Is your dh aware of how much more likely you are to end up in ICU or die with Covid if pregnant? How does he feel about that risk to his child -a premature birth being one such possibility. I would not want to be looking after a tiny baby in NICU with Covid.

You shouldn't continue ttc until this is sorted out in a way that gives you vaccine protection.

It doesn't sound like a sensible idea to have children with someone who doesn't agree that you have independent rights over your own body, and whose family think they also have a right to dictate what happens with your body. It's actually not a safe situation. Best thing to do is stop TTC and work this out first.

I know some have advised to have the vaccine without telling him but lies kill marriages. Unfortunately this vaccine does seem to be putting strain on so many relationships and my advice would be to show him your original post - maybe he can then understand how much this is upsetting you.

My husband is vaccinated and I am not. Of course I wish he wasn’t but I am not willing to lose my marriage over differing views so we agree to disagree. We’re older though and so fertility is not a problem - this does add a complication as no matter what people say long term testing of the vaccine is not complete and we really don’t know if there will be side effects. I highly doubt all vaccinated people will suddenly become infertile but the truth is many medicines impact fertility but to a very small percentage.

If you remain unvaccinated the least you can do is avoid getting pregnant for a year or so. There are no guarantees you can avoid infection in the foreseeable future. Hopefully your OP will agree to this at least.