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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Vaccine arguments are pulling us apart

390 replies

SmithCW · 28/12/2021 12:03

Hi everyone,

This is really hard for me to talk about as I know how judgemental some people are over anything COVID related. So, both me and my husband aren't vaccinated against COVID. At first it was because we weren't old enough (mid 20s) but when it became available for us we, like many of our peers, were hesitant to take the leap. The vaccine felt too new and we knew we would be TTC within the next few months and wanted to make sure it would be safe. My husband felt strongly that he didn't need it (98% survival rate for his age).

Over time there's so much more evidence about the side effects and whatnot and that coupled with the extreme pressures from society I've wanted to get vaccinated for the last few months. Problem is - he doesn't and really doesn't want me to either. His family (my in laws) have flipped and gone massive anti-vaxx in all the crazy extreme ways (they want us to promise we'd never get it) and although my husband isn't like that I can't help but feel he is heavily influenced by his family but he thinks I'm heavily influenced by mine (all had the vaccine and are desperate for me to).

It's hard to put this into words or to make people understand but I now feel CONSTANTLY anxious over this - it's like a dark cloud that follows me around. I feel like a black sheep in society and I HATE IT. But I'm also not ready to risk my marriage over it? I am so scared this will tear us apart and we are only newlyweds. We got married in Aug and have been TTC since. I just don't know what's right here. His family (especially his mum) are so full on about it that I genuinely think they'd cut me out for being vaccinated but I've been with him for 8 years and his parents are like parents to me - I'm so so scared of upsetting them. It's also sooooo hard when your husband is begging for you not to have it. He says he probably will get it eventually but not for a few years when he feels extremely confident that it won't have any future effects on our children and that we can't possibly know it won't for sure as it's not been around long enough.

I know he sounds OTT but he is honestly the most chilled guy - this is so unlike him. I have this fear that if I go and get it he: a) might just leave me. B) if I were to miscarry/ anything wrong with our child he'd blame me C) I'd tear him away from his family. They would bring this up at EVERY family gathering for years to come.

I know a lot of you will just say "your body your choice" and "good riddance" if he'd leave me but in reality that's a very, very different situation. I suppose I'm looking for some GENUINE advice here. I feel like it's breaking me apart and I can't cope anymore but I love him. I'm not stupid or naive here but I want a way to navigate and handle this in the right way.

Sorry for the long post and I hope I don't cause too much controversy- that's not my aim.

OP posts:
Awalkintime · 28/12/2021 12:42

But he's not at all worried about the effects of covid on you or the effect of pregnancy on your body? Just the vaccine?

2022newname · 28/12/2021 12:43

Your in laws don’t have to know. And him not telling them isn’t lying. Does he tell them all about your smear tests? Or your BCG?

This is a personal medical choice. And his attitude is concerning. Hopefully you never have to, but you could be in a position at some point where far harder choices need to be made about your body (or his) and need to be on roughly the same page - even if that same page is “this is YOUR choice”.

Clarefromwork · 28/12/2021 12:43

It’s really hard but you are respecting his decision to not have the vaccine so he needs to respect yours to have it.

I must admit that I mainly only had mine due to social pressure and the whole “do this to protect others” narrative that’s been going from the start.

The thing that also swung if for me is I thought why would I want a vaccine that hasn’t been out long etc but then thought I also don’t want to be ill from a virus that is new (and could have been made in a lab) so it was a kind of a no win situation either way.

Bucanarab · 28/12/2021 12:43

but not for a few years when he feels extremely confident that it won't have any future effects on our children and that we can't possibly know it won't for sure as it's not been around long enough.

Wow, I can't believe people are still spouting and believing this utter shit. That comment alone should tell you that he doesn't have a fucking clue what he's on about and as such his opinion on the matter is worth absolutely fuck all.

Vanishun · 28/12/2021 12:45

Honestly OP I think you've lost that fairytale relationship with him and them all and it won't be easy to get back to.

His "easy going" nature is actually probably part of what makes him so easily swayed by his moronic family.

They're not going to suddenly magically love you more if you vow never to get vaccinated, and they will not suddenly become nice and supportive over time - there'll be new and worse things over the years, especially if you did have children.

Whatever you do, please get vaccinated. You don't even need to tell him or them, but don't let them shorten or risk your life through their blind stupidity.

colourPink · 28/12/2021 12:45

@Awalkintime

But he's not at all worried about the effects of covid on you or the effect of pregnancy on your body? Just the vaccine?
Yep. I've had covid already (months ago) and wasn't that poorly. So he feels as if I don't need it and will be fine if I get it again.
gettingolderandgrumpy · 28/12/2021 12:47

What really annoys more than anything with anti Vaxers is that they feel they need to tell others not to have the vax . If you don’t want it fine but people need to stop telling others they shouldn’t have it . He’s married to you he doesn’t own you and the bloody stupid in-laws are being ridiculous. I really wish they would do some research . Why oh why do people feel the need to make others have their point of view it’s ridiculous.

JohnJacobJingle · 28/12/2021 12:48

Don’t get it. Just for reason (B) alone, not worth the possibility of being blamed for something like that and if they’re that way inclined, best avoided at all costs!

Cornettoninja · 28/12/2021 12:49

Time to decide if being a people pleaser is really your thing?

I agree. You’re allowing people to lead your decision making and having to bury your own opinions and feelings to allow that to happen.

So what if they don’t agree? In some respects this is self-preservation; why should you be the one left with all the angst and soul searching because you disagree? Making them happy is actively making you unhappy. That can’t be right can it?

Biscuitsneeded · 28/12/2021 12:49

OP I think, quite apart from Covid vaccine arguments, your husband's family are too invested in what you do and don't too. You're not children! If you want the vaccine (and please DO get it if you plan to become pregnant, for your own safety) just go and get it. No need to get 'permission', and certainly no need to discuss with in-laws. Just tell them you are very stressed by all the arguing and you won't be discussing it.

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 28/12/2021 12:50

A younger unvaccinated colleague who has now had Covid twice, gave it to my 3 year old son. It's not always about your partner or my colleagues and what's their choice, he might have a high survival rate, but those of us in the office who are triple jabbed didn't get it, the 4 unvaccinated did, she popped round to drop off a Christmas hamper and brought her Covid to my home along with a rant about vaccinations.

He has no right to tell you what to do with your body and frankly I wouldn't be in a relationship with an anti vaxxer let alone procreate with one, what other batshit ideas will be enforce on you and any children? Will he believe they'll 'get autism' from their standard vaccinations? As the MN saying goes he's showing you who he is, believe him (and run)

NynaeveSedai · 28/12/2021 12:50

Why on Earth would you be telling his parents about being vaccinated? It's literally none of their business

LittleRoundRobin · 28/12/2021 12:50

Well you didn't have to tell him you had the vaccine. Confused

I agree with pps though. I wouldn't be/couldn't be married to someone like that, let alone be TTC with him. He sounds like a total pillock.

LittleRoundRobin · 28/12/2021 12:51

@NynaeveSedai

Why on Earth would you be telling his parents about being vaccinated? It's literally none of their business
This too. ^ It's got fuck all to do with his parents. You have my sympathy @SmithCW being married into this family...
Muthalucka · 28/12/2021 12:52

What evidence does he have that it will affect your future children?

PAFMO · 28/12/2021 12:52

He's not "chilled"
He's abusive, and, frankly, as he's an anti-vaxxer basing his decisions on no scientific evidence whatsoever, also pretty unintelligent.
Today he doesn't want you vaccinated. Tomorrow? Who knows.
You deserve better.

Awalkintime · 28/12/2021 12:52

So why is he not applying that same logic about friends of his who had the vaccine yet were ok?

Original poster
SmithCW · 28/12/2021 12:52

@Muthalucka

What evidence does he have that it will affect your future children?
He doesn't. And that is EXACTLY his worry!
OP posts:
Scottishskifun · 28/12/2021 12:53

I suggest going to read some facts about the risks of covid to babies and their mothers in pregnancy especially 3rd trimester.

The zoe app also had a session a while ago about TTC, the vaccine and pregnancy including miscarriage risk. It does not increase the risk go watch it.

His views would potentially be putting a unborn child and you at risk and the question back is are you prepared to risk this for his families views?

95% of pregnant hospital admissions are non vaccinated, 4.5% are 1 dose. 100% of pregnant ICU admissions are unvax mothers. This is the cold hard facts of it. Babies born very early by c section so their mothers can be put onto ventilators on their fronts.

Healthy and young doesn't come into it when pregnant with reduced lung capacity and reduced immune system you fly up the at risk list equivalent to a much older person!

DreamingofTimbuktu · 28/12/2021 12:53

Being pregnant and unvaccinated is dangerous so if you are going to listen to him I’d stop ttc until the pandemic is over.

LuaDipa · 28/12/2021 12:53

@Starcaller

I also want to point out that pregnancy and then giving birth often makes a man's problematic behaviour to his partner worse, not better. I'd be incredibly concerned that the signs of control over your body are beginning now, before you've even got pregnant. How can you be sure this won't escalate to trying to control other things?
This.

Your dh and his family are perfectly within their rights to refuse the vaccine, but why do they need to prevent you from making the same choice? This is not normal or acceptable it is bullying, abusive behaviour and you need to deal with if now. What if he (or his family) have issues with other medical interventions. What if you needed a C Section and they don’t approve? What if you are want to bf and he doesn’t want you to? What if his family want to take the child overnight? Do their wants and wishes come before yours, because that’s certainly how it seems.

I agree with other posters, I would think very carefully before tying myself to a family like this. You are a person in your own right and you can make your own choices. They don’t seem to understand or accept that.

Inabitoftime · 28/12/2021 12:53

My advice is stop trying to ttc with a man you are saying will blame you if you are vaccinated and have a miscarriage. You should not be bringing an innocent baby into this mess.

CharSiu · 28/12/2021 12:54

Do you have a relationship with your parents at all? Are you are estranged from your parents or if they are no longer alive hence the they are like my parents comment about your in laws.

Stop TTC you are only in your twenties, have the vaccine. Take a long hard look at the relationship. I’m assuming you got together at a very young age. My MIL does my head in because she believes every single decision and the way people are is because of astrology. I think it’s complete bullshit as does DH. It dominates every conversation but her beliefs have no influence over how we live our life though it’s irritating.

Original poster
SmithCW · 28/12/2021 12:56

@CharSiu

Do you have a relationship with your parents at all? Are you are estranged from your parents or if they are no longer alive hence the they are like my parents comment about your in laws.

Stop TTC you are only in your twenties, have the vaccine. Take a long hard look at the relationship. I’m assuming you got together at a very young age. My MIL does my head in because she believes every single decision and the way people are is because of astrology. I think it’s complete bullshit as does DH. It dominates every conversation but her beliefs have no influence over how we live our life though it’s irritating.

My mum is an alcoholic and my dad doesn't live nearby and wouldn't even know where to begin to support me through something like this.
OP posts:
PaulGallico · 28/12/2021 12:57

I would have the vaccine - you could probably go today. Much more constructive than posting on MN to get yet another vaccine/anti vaccine discussion going. Although credit for the length and creativity of the post.