Vaccine arguments are pulling us apart

[SmithCW]

Hi everyone,

This is really hard for me to talk about as I know how judgemental some people are over anything COVID related. So, both me and my husband aren't vaccinated against COVID. At first it was because we weren't old enough (mid 20s) but when it became available for us we, like many of our peers, were hesitant to take the leap. The vaccine felt too new and we knew we would be TTC within the next few months and wanted to make sure it would be safe. My husband felt strongly that he didn't need it (98% survival rate for his age).

Over time there's so much more evidence about the side effects and whatnot and that coupled with the extreme pressures from society I've wanted to get vaccinated for the last few months. Problem is - he doesn't and really doesn't want me to either. His family (my in laws) have flipped and gone massive anti-vaxx in all the crazy extreme ways (they want us to promise we'd never get it) and although my husband isn't like that I can't help but feel he is heavily influenced by his family but he thinks I'm heavily influenced by mine (all had the vaccine and are desperate for me to).

It's hard to put this into words or to make people understand but I now feel CONSTANTLY anxious over this - it's like a dark cloud that follows me around. I feel like a black sheep in society and I HATE IT. But I'm also not ready to risk my marriage over it? I am so scared this will tear us apart and we are only newlyweds. We got married in Aug and have been TTC since. I just don't know what's right here. His family (especially his mum) are so full on about it that I genuinely think they'd cut me out for being vaccinated but I've been with him for 8 years and his parents are like parents to me - I'm so so scared of upsetting them. It's also sooooo hard when your husband is begging for you not to have it. He says he probably will get it eventually but not for a few years when he feels extremely confident that it won't have any future effects on our children and that we can't possibly know it won't for sure as it's not been around long enough.

I know he sounds OTT but he is honestly the most chilled guy - this is so unlike him. I have this fear that if I go and get it he: a) might just leave me. B) if I were to miscarry/ anything wrong with our child he'd blame me C) I'd tear him away from his family. They would bring this up at EVERY family gathering for years to come.

I know a lot of you will just say "your body your choice" and "good riddance" if he'd leave me but in reality that's a very, very different situation. I suppose I'm looking for some GENUINE advice here. I feel like it's breaking me apart and I can't cope anymore but I love him. I'm not stupid or naive here but I want a way to navigate and handle this in the right way.

Sorry for the long post and I hope I don't cause too much controversy- that's not my aim.

Yeah…I’d be binning him the fuck off.

@MissMaple82 How do you know the vaccine is the cause of your lack of periods?
Obviously now I think about it, my husband's prostate cancer must have been caused by our holiday in Cornwall, because he was diagnosed soon after we got home. And his heart failure must have been caused by the first lockdown. And there are loads of babies who have colds and coughs caused by teething, even though babies teethe for two years, and come in contact with lots of people who have coughs and colds in that time....

I would Run. Like. Fuck.

But you won’t. They never do.

I like you am in my 20's I have now had all 3 covid jabs while pregnant
1st @ 14 weeks
2nd @ 20 weeks
Booster @ 36 weeks

I've just tested positive for covid and I'm not well at all. I keep thinking how bad could things have been if I'd no vaccines if this is what it's like with all 3! (No underlying health conditions and I'm rarely ever sick)

I can't help but think it's foolish not to get the vaccine.

If you want it, have it.
No-one should force you either way.

Just go, there’s absolutely no reason for him to know and it’s non of his business

Your body, your choice - there I have said it!

If you want the vaccine, just go do it.

There is a good research paper mentioned on another post about ICU patients & unvaccinated pregnant women are a concern. So same as you update Rubella etc before TTC, get your Covid shots.

Then I suggest that you pause on the TTC for a short while as you have some unfinished emotional business from your childhood. You are over invested in your PILs & you seem to have set them up as your proxy parents rather than the adults they are. You are people pleasing to get by, just as you likely did as a child.

Also your OH needs to build stronger boundaries with his parents, & address his tendency to control others.

ICNARC -www.icnarc.org/DataServices/Attachments/Download/596485d8-c264-ec11-9139-00505601089b

Page 66 starts the section about pregnancy, & although the numbers are small, these are the just the cases that needed to be in ICU.

Of course every case, ICU or not, matters.

I would get the vaccine. I would not be trying to convince until I got the full set. If you got covid when you are pregnant it would be very dangerous for both you and the baby. Their was a case in the north of Ireland a few months ago. A pregnant woman did not get the vaccine and got covid. She ended up in hospital, on a ventilator and they did a c section on her. She died shortly after the baby was born.
She never saw her baby. I think she had other children as well.

I know people who got covid and some people were very sick with it. I know several people who have ended up with long covid. They have had some or all of these symptoms no taste, no sense of smell, no energy and breathing issues. I have heard of several people who are still not fit enough to go back to work despite having covid months ago.

I would not be listing to your husband or his parents in regards to not getting the covid vaccine. I would get the vaccine before TTC to give you and your possible pregnancy the best chance of a happy outcome.

If he is not willing to stand up to his parents re getting the vaccine and expects you to the same I would do the following.
Tell him you have read up on this vaccine and your doctor has advised you to get it before you get pregnant. That if you get pregnant and get covid you could end up in hospital and on a ventilator.
Tell him you want him to get it also as you don't want him to end up with covid or long covid.
If he still is anti Vax I would tell him that you won't be having a child with him so.

If he leaves you over making a medical decision with your own body then he's a crap husband and you'll have done yourself a favour to not have children with him.

Go get your vaccine.

It is his right to not be vaccinated but he has no rights over your decision. Whatever his family think have nothing to do with it at all, and I would not be at all happy if my H was choosing to side with his family's views over mine. If he is so influenced by his family I would also be concerned about vaccinations for any future children, whatever he says now.

I actually meant to add something similar to what @pollyparrot45 said. She's right.

Can you just get vaccinated without telling him?

I had covid before the vaccines came out and it was awful. I had both jabs and got pregnant months later, and had the booster at 19 weeks.

Not having the vaccine is foolish if you’re TTC, you’re not only risking your life but the life of the unborn baby.

I have read some of these comments but not all (some were just down right obnoxious). Anyway, I hope you are in a more comfortable state of mind about the way forward. Regardless of the decision to make it is completely you're choice. You're recently married, I'm sure your husband wants the best for you and just needs a little more time to process.

I have decided not to get the vaccine as I have been previously infected with Covid and tests are still showing for antibodies. People very often try to pressure into doing something they doubled down on. I have found the last year to be a strong character building process as I've learned to make my own decisions based on what I believe is right for me aside from judgemental bystanders who lack knowledge of all reasons for my decision.

Take care. Wear shades to block out the haters. Best of luck TTC and onwards and upwards for your marriage, it will inevitably come with lots of bumps.

"In the meantime he's accepted I'm getting it and there wasn't much fall out." OP I am so pleased.

Good.