Vaccine arguments are pulling us apart

[SmithCW]

Hi everyone,

This is really hard for me to talk about as I know how judgemental some people are over anything COVID related. So, both me and my husband aren't vaccinated against COVID. At first it was because we weren't old enough (mid 20s) but when it became available for us we, like many of our peers, were hesitant to take the leap. The vaccine felt too new and we knew we would be TTC within the next few months and wanted to make sure it would be safe. My husband felt strongly that he didn't need it (98% survival rate for his age).

Over time there's so much more evidence about the side effects and whatnot and that coupled with the extreme pressures from society I've wanted to get vaccinated for the last few months. Problem is - he doesn't and really doesn't want me to either. His family (my in laws) have flipped and gone massive anti-vaxx in all the crazy extreme ways (they want us to promise we'd never get it) and although my husband isn't like that I can't help but feel he is heavily influenced by his family but he thinks I'm heavily influenced by mine (all had the vaccine and are desperate for me to).

It's hard to put this into words or to make people understand but I now feel CONSTANTLY anxious over this - it's like a dark cloud that follows me around. I feel like a black sheep in society and I HATE IT. But I'm also not ready to risk my marriage over it? I am so scared this will tear us apart and we are only newlyweds. We got married in Aug and have been TTC since. I just don't know what's right here. His family (especially his mum) are so full on about it that I genuinely think they'd cut me out for being vaccinated but I've been with him for 8 years and his parents are like parents to me - I'm so so scared of upsetting them. It's also sooooo hard when your husband is begging for you not to have it. He says he probably will get it eventually but not for a few years when he feels extremely confident that it won't have any future effects on our children and that we can't possibly know it won't for sure as it's not been around long enough.

I know he sounds OTT but he is honestly the most chilled guy - this is so unlike him. I have this fear that if I go and get it he: a) might just leave me. B) if I were to miscarry/ anything wrong with our child he'd blame me C) I'd tear him away from his family. They would bring this up at EVERY family gathering for years to come.

I know a lot of you will just say "your body your choice" and "good riddance" if he'd leave me but in reality that's a very, very different situation. I suppose I'm looking for some GENUINE advice here. I feel like it's breaking me apart and I can't cope anymore but I love him. I'm not stupid or naive here but I want a way to navigate and handle this in the right way.

Sorry for the long post and I hope I don't cause too much controversy- that's not my aim.

@TeddybearBaby

I get it! It’s causing a massive rift in my family too and a falling out that went on for a months.

I can imagine you don’t even know how you feel any more when other peoples opinions are so strong and overwhelming.

I won’t tell you what to do but I will say that you’re not wrong in whatever you decide.

Sounds like your husband is coming from a place of fear which can make people act in crazy ways.

The vaccine argument reminds me of brexit. It’s really dividing us all, so sad.

Exactly this!! Everyone has such strong opinions I just feel pulled apart and almost unable to make a decision for myself.

I just need freedom/ space to make my own choice for me and for no one else!

You dismiss it but the fact is it is your body, your choice and the fact that he and his family doesn't respect you enough for that not be a problem is a huge warning flag. Issues like this should not exist in a happy, respectful and equal marriage.

Get the jab and seriously reconsider whether you should remain married to this man.

I was kind of in the same position as you, although I was pregnant and dp made me promise not to get vaccinated as he was deathly worried about the baby as we’d had a stillbirth last year.
In the end we isolated for the whole third trimester and then I got vaccinated a week after birth.
If he’s worried about you getting vaccinated now, he simply won’t entertain the idea of you getting vaccinated whilst pregnant. Whilst you’re not pregnant his opinion is not required as it’s your body. So my advice is…get vaccinated before you get pregnant.
Don’t worry about his parents. Easier said than done I know but if they have even a shred of decency they’ll let you decide to do what you want with your body.

@Awalkintime

I would stop TTC and then lay it on the table about how if he is currently trying to stop you doing something with your body, what else will he try and control once you are pregnant? Your choices regarding the birth?

You will be in a much more vulnerable position when pregnant and if he and his family tries to control your body now, what will him and his family do when you are pregnant?

What about issues that could creep up relating to something similar - his views on childhood vaccinations etc? Would this cause conflict further down the line?

I'd be tempted to put a halt to TTC and say the same back to him.
You will get pregnant eventually but not for a few years when you feel confident that there won't be any future impact on you and the children from him and his family.

We have spoken about this. He is happy for our children to get the normal vaccines but his mum isn't - she has gone completely anti any vaccine.

He has promised me he doesn't agree with that and that his mum is unreasonable there.

I'm sorry OP, that's really tough. Personally I'd get the vaccine and not tell anyone. It really is nobody else's business but yours. What you do with your own body is entirely up to you, if he doesn't want the vaccine absolutely fine. You don't seem to be lecturing and badgering him about getting one. I'd very seriously be rethinking having a baby with someone who tried to dictate what I'm allowed to do with my body. Maybe as you are both so wobbly over the pandemic TTC is not the best idea at this stage. You are going to have 9 months of panic over either the vaccine and side effects or getting sick and ending up in hospital. Being at loggerheads isn't the best start to having a baby.

I would be inclined to quietly go and get it and not mention it - for now.

And assess whether you want to have children with someone who is trying to dictate what YOU can and can't have, but more importantly who is heavily influenced by a massive anti-vaxx family: what are their opinions on routine baby vaccinations? If they disagree with those too, how are you going to navigate this?

I appreciate you say he is generally great, and if that's the case and you don't want to end your marriage, then you need to have a conversation with him to say that you will have any vaccinations that you want to and you need to see whether HE then chooses to end the marriage over that.

My suspicion would be that no he wouldn't.

i think you need to calm down and stop panicking and think about this logically and rationally.

You love him, and you don't want to break your marriage up, thats understandable when someone has had a complete about turn in what you expected them to do/be.

You do need to look at this practically though.

Its up to you if you have the vaccine, not him, or his family, YOU. Yo u do not need his permission, or approval, to protect yourself.

Their reactions are THEIR responsibility, not yours, not where your own health and wellbeing are concerned.

There are more and more pregnant women with Covid in Hospital, if you're going to TTC, having the Vaccine is the sane, sensible thing to do, to protect yourself and your baby.

If you're scared at any point to discuss a decision you make for your body with your husband, then there is something VERY wrong in your relationship dynamic, and you need to think about how far that stretches, and how much it might potentially impede your behaviour in the future. Once you start walking on eggshells over your own health and wellbeing, it turns into a very sharp, very slippery slope into being emotionall abused.

@SmithCW

This isn't about the vaccine only though

This level of control, and your decisions having to be agreed by his family will take over your life.

Are you sure He and his family will threaten to disown you over baby vaccines? What about choices in pregnancy about pain relief, testing, what you eat? That's without all the many controversial decisions you'll need to make as a parent

Are you happy to be parent by committee?

If i were you I would pause TTC and give it a few more years. You are v young and only just married. Give it some time. See how things go.

OP, do you really want to be with someone like this? Someone who is a wild conspiracy theorist? And even worse, someone seeking to control YOUR decisions about YOUR body and YOUR healthcare?

Please think so, so carefully about whether you want a baby with someone who would treat you this way. Controlling men do not make good or safe fathers. Please be careful.

Do what you think is right. I think because it’s so full on for everyone you may be thinking something that he doesn’t think.
By this I mean you think he will leave you. Chances are he won’t but it’s so intense you’re overthinking it.
Also family need to relax a bit.
Everyone in my family has had it, I haven’t.
They are ( were) concerned but they still respect my position.
I feel so convinced it’s not for me that I’ve lost my job.
I doesn’t mean I think other people should think like me though.

@AlternativePerspective

Go to a drop in centre, and simply dont tell him. Oh I would tell him. No man would dare tell me what to do with my own body to the point I felt the need to keep it secret.

He could either live with that or he could piss off.

I would too, but we're all different. A couple of my Dad's friends are anti vax, and it has astounded me (my Dad too, he can't get his head round their attitude to it). They're both clever, decent, hard working family men - its just this vax issue. Its extraordinary how it has impacted on some, otherwise reasonable, people.

Also it sounds like your fairly confident that if you male a decision he doesn't agree with like having the vaccine, that he won't keep that from his parents even though he knows it would make like miserable for you.

He is willing to hang you out to dry for disagreeing with him

You need to sit down with him and calmly explain that a marriage involves two people and you are not suddenly one entity because of those rings. You need to respect each other’s choices and you are adults and thus your families’ views are not relevant to your decision.

But I agree with other posters about needing to discuss the views on immunisation of children before you have any. Red flags to me that a) you and your husband both care too much about what family think and b) you have opposing views on important things like immunisation. His family sound like a disrespectful nightmare trying to control not just their son but you.

SmithCW
I don't think I could trust the promises of someone trying to control you.

If my partner or his family tried to stop me making any choice about my own health, they wouldn’t be in my life any more. I certainly wouldn’t be considering having family with them.

@Awalkintime

SmithCW I don't think I could trust the promises of someone trying to control you.

It might seem like he is but as I've said he is the least controlling man I know. I think he's genuinely scared/worried about me doing this. He thinks he's protecting me.

@Captainj1

You need to sit down with him and calmly explain that a marriage involves two people and you are not suddenly one entity because of those rings. You need to respect each other’s choices and you are adults and thus your families’ views are not relevant to your decision.

But I agree with other posters about needing to discuss the views on immunisation of children before you have any. Red flags to me that a) you and your husband both care too much about what family think and b) you have opposing views on important things like immunisation. His family sound like a disrespectful nightmare trying to control not just their son but you.

We have discussed children and vaccines and he's happy for our children to have them.

Like I said; I think he's genuinely worried about the consequences/side effects of me getting the vaccine and I have always been far too worried about others opinions.

I would have a proper conversation with him and let him know that you are being put in a position where you can't take the action you want to without worrying about the fallout. That it is your body and you want to be vaccinated. A loving husband will listen to your side and respect that, even if he disagrees. His family don't even need to know that you have had the vaccine.

Alternatively you could show him this post if you don't think he will listen or it would turn into an argument.

OP, you've said it yourself that you've wanted to get vaccinated for the last few months.

I think your instincts about this are correct, hence your post. But I do think you're underestimating how serious this is, and are subconsciously minimising it.

No single person in this world has a say about your choice if you get the vaccine or not. They can worry, they can not agree with your choice, but they have to respect it, or they are shitty people you don't need in your life.

Personally, I'd be drawing ultimatums immediately.

I know of someone who died from covid a few days ago having given birth a month ago (unvaccinated) and then catching covid in hospital. The nhs are urging pregnant women to get vaccinated, the risks of covid are far greater than the risks of the vaccine.

@BasicDad

OP, you've said it yourself that you've wanted to get vaccinated for the last few months.

I think your instincts about this are correct, hence your post. But I do think you're underestimating how serious this is, and are subconsciously minimising it.

No single person in this world has a say about your choice if you get the vaccine or not. They can worry, they can not agree with your choice, but they have to respect it, or they are shitty people you don't need in your life.

Personally, I'd be drawing ultimatums immediately.

We've had many, many discussions but I think I need to tell him that I've chosen to get vaccinated and see what he says.

If he would like for us to keep it a secret from his parents then that seems fine to me - much easier! But I doubt he'd want to lie to them for so long.

What you do and what you choose to do with any future children is quite frankly not your MILs business - don’t engage.

Your DH needs to speak to someone who actually knows what they are talking about. I suggest you both go to a walk in clinic and speak to one of the clinicians.

If this doesn’t persuade him I would say he doesn’t have your best interests at heart and would be making plans to leave.

He is worried about the side effects of the vaccine. The source of his worry? His parents and whatever their evidential ‘sources’are.

You are worried about not being vaccinated especially with the added risk of pregnancy. Your sources of evidence? Many of the most senior and well respected medics and scientists from across the entire planet.

YABU to bow to their wishes which could lead to you or your unborn child facing potentially life threatening illness. Time to decide if being a people pleaser is really your thing?

Even just the suggestion that you keep the fact that you've been vaccinated a secret from his parents would be a huge warning sign to me.

Get out before you have kids and you find every aspect of your life and approach to motherhood micromanaged.