Page 6 | Vaccine arguments are pulling us apart

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2021 13:56

@newusername2009

I know some have advised to have the vaccine without telling him but lies kill marriages. Unfortunately this vaccine does seem to be putting strain on so many relationships and my advice would be to show him your original post - maybe he can then understand how much this is upsetting you.

My husband is vaccinated and I am not. Of course I wish he wasn’t but I am not willing to lose my marriage over differing views so we agree to disagree. We’re older though and so fertility is not a problem - this does add a complication as no matter what people say long term testing of the vaccine is not complete and we really don’t know if there will be side effects. I highly doubt all vaccinated people will suddenly become infertile but the truth is many medicines impact fertility but to a very small percentage.

I bet he wishes you were...

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2021 13:57

@Arabelladrinkstea

I also am waiting until the trial is finished and results are proven before committing to a life long medical procedure.

How long will that be, then?

Redburnett · 28/12/2021 13:57

If you are TTC it would be wise to get vaccinated. Pregnant women who get Covid often do not do well. Do your own research, show it to your DH and avoid inlaws as much as possible. You might also want to learn assertiveness skills - it is not up to your inlaws to try and dictate how you live your life.

Jumping4Ju1ce · 28/12/2021 13:58

Will you be vaccinating any potential children for measles, mumps, polio, rubella etc ?

WorstXmasEver · 28/12/2021 13:59

Covid is rife nowadays. I had covid & it was just a mild cold to me but I was double vaxxed.

Every one should be vaccinated.

DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 28/12/2021 13:59

You are giving your DH and in-laws way too much power.

Zippy1510 · 28/12/2021 13:59

I wouldn’t let his families ignorance risk your life.

Arriettyborrower · 28/12/2021 14:01

A very old friends husband has been ITU with covid (last week). They are anti vaxxers, the irony that he had several trial drugs to save his life has been completely lost on her.

Why let it get the point of life or death to use the drugs that may or may not save you when it’s been clearly demonstrated that the vaccine will save lives.

Agree with you OP you need some space to be able to assess your own thoughts/feelings around all of this, do you remember this is your decision and no one else’s business.

A close family member and their partner are unvaccinated as she is a vehement anti vaxxer, her beliefs are based on TikToks and SM posts, I support everyone making their own choice but I privately despair that she cannot apply any reasoned thinking or logic to her decision making, but still, this is her decision and hers alone and not for me to comment on.

Redburnett · 28/12/2021 14:01

www.gov.uk/government/news/pregnant-women-urged-to-get-covid-19-vaccine-following-new-uk-safety-data

milkieway · 28/12/2021 14:02

I am sorry your husband and his family are putting so much pressure on you over this, it really isn't fair

It has nothing to do with his family it's your decision - you don't need to inform his family of what you do or don't do however I imagine this won't be the only issue to crop up with his family in future if this is how they behave so forcefully asserting their views onto someone with no acceptance for another way of thinking

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2021 14:03

@Sarahschild

Do what you think is right. I think because it’s so full on for everyone you may be thinking something that he doesn’t think. By this I mean you think he will leave you. Chances are he won’t but it’s so intense you’re overthinking it. Also family need to relax a bit. Everyone in my family has had it, I haven’t. They are ( were) concerned but they still respect my position. I feel so convinced it’s not for me that I’ve lost my job. I doesn’t mean I think other people should think like me though.

On what scientific evidence did you base your decision?

EezyOozy · 28/12/2021 14:04

He sounds very controlling. Get the vaccine.

mayblossominapril · 28/12/2021 14:04

I was pregnant during the very first stage of the pandemic before vaccines were available I was worried about catching COVID and the effect of covid on my unborn baby as soon as I could be vaccinated I was despite bf and the alleged risks.

Only last week I read in the news about a young unvaccinated mother died leaving a 3 year without his mum and a preemie in nicu who’ll never know his mum.

Iwonder08 · 28/12/2021 14:04

Hmmm. Tricky. What I don't see in any of your posts is any confidence that YOU personally want to be vaccinated because it is best for you. I am not sure how getting it done because of the pressure from society is better than not getting it done because of the pressure from your DH.
Once you come to the conclusion on what is best for you personally then you should be able to actually have a conversation with your husband. If you decide to proceed with the vaccine then I would calmly tell him that you are booked to have a vaccine and you made a decision because it is your body and you decided so.
If he becomes unreasonable then I would put on hold trying to concieve

ChiefStockingStuffer · 28/12/2021 14:06

I think he's fucking dim and so are you. Do you know how many pregnant women have lost their lives from not being vaccinated?
FFS

These kind of vaccines have been made for years; they're just tweaked for particular variants.

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2021 14:07

If you can't agree on something that is fairly fundamental (that we all have autonomy over our own bodies) then there's going to be an awful lot more that you won't be on the same page for.

His family's input for a start.

None of this bodes well for your marriage I'm afraid

longcoffeebreak · 28/12/2021 14:08

@Inertia

Without wishing to sound rude, it doesn’t sound like you are ready to have a baby.

A marriage where your husband doesn’t allow you bodily autonomy and threatens to leave you if you protect your own health is not an environment to bring a baby into. He’s being coercive now; abusive men often ramp up abuse while their partner is pregnant/post-partum. And if you can’t even stand up for yourself against a controlling husband and inlaws, how are you going to protect a child?

They are making the mistake of comparing vaccination risk to zero risk. However, that’s not the position we’re in. You have to weigh up risk v benefits of vaccination against the extremely likely situation of catching Covid. You wouldn’t be pregnant in a germ-free isolation bubble, you’d be immune-suppressed in a world full of Covid, living with households who have put themselves at increased risk on purpose.

If you want to have a baby in this family and be able to cope, you need to toughen up. In your shoes I would have the vaccine, and think carefully about TTC. It sounds like you’ve swapped an alcoholic family for a deranged family. Newlywed or not, don’t fall for the sunken costs fallacy.

Such good advice. I married someone controlling and had children with him because I felt it was too difficult and too late to get out. I am from an alcoholic family and had no idea what was normal.

He bullied me about just such things and I went along with it - I was waiting for some magical time when it would be easier for me to stand up to him, and this was combined with me being vulnerable, inclined to self doubt and having poor boundaries. It escalated and got really bad and I had to leave him eventually, and it didn't go well. I now have to co-parent with a nasty controlling man - despite having been divorced for years it never entirely goes away once you have kids with them.

Pipsquiggle · 28/12/2021 14:14

Stop trying to conceive and have this much needed discussion.

You know you should get vaccinated. This virus will be around for a good while yet.

I am pleased he agrees to the baby vaccinations. It still really annoys me that the UK was stripped of its measle free status in 2019. I mean just think about that - completely insane.

You need to 'mute' your inlaws on this issue - they are not in control of this

RockallMalinHebrides · 28/12/2021 14:16

@Arabelladrinkstea

I also am waiting until the trial is finished and results are proven before committing to a life long medical procedure.

Are you always so dramatic? A vaccine is not a life long medical procedure.

goldenlilliesdaffodillies · 28/12/2021 14:17

The choices you make about your body and health are nothing to do with your PIL/DH. It is your choice to make alone and you do not need their permission. They will try and influence your decisions about future babies vaccines and choices you make. Unfortunately the people I know who have these beliefs also have very strong views on child rearing as well.

I nearly got pulled into the anti vax rabbit hole due to fear caused by a family member who kept sending through horrible videos and misinformation. However I read the book 'Vaxxers' written by scientists Sarah Gilbert and Catherine Green who created the AZ vaccine with their teams. It completely changed my perspective as was written by highly educated scientists who really have done their research. Sarah Gilbert also recently gave an interesting lecture based on the book which was on TV a few weeks ago. She addresses the misinformation out there. Perhaps watch that with your husband and maybe it might give him a different perspective?

waterlego · 28/12/2021 14:18

His parents sound like arseholes. Not because they’re anti-vaccine, that’s their business. But because they are so invested not only in their adult son but also his partner. It’s natural for parents to have an interest in their child’s decisions and life choices, even when that child is no longer actually a child. But it isn’t natural to put pressure on and issue ultimatums. I can’t believe they think they get to have a say in health decisions you will make for your hypothetical future child(ren). Bonkers. Doesn’t your H get hacked off with their interference? Is he intimidated by them? Does he always do what they think he should do?

godmum56 · 28/12/2021 14:21

@Arabelladrinkstea

I also am waiting until the trial is finished and results are proven before committing to a life long medical procedure.

what trial? have you got PROPER evidence for this opinion?

Christmasqueenx · 28/12/2021 14:22

Take a look at the stats and risk factors for unvaccinated pregnant women getting covid then go and get the jab! Also take a look at the studies (esp in USA) on pregnant women who have had the jab and gone on to have healthy pregnancies and babies, as opposed to those who didn’t get the jab. If you actually look at the science and listen to the experts you’ll see how much of a no brainer it is. Top immunologists, scientists, virologists, they’re all getting jabbed. Just because it’s new, it doesn’t make it dangerous. Where would the world be without vaccination? Present this evidence to your husband. If he still insists on controlling your body, but you can’t be arsed with the fallout of you getting jabbed, go get it done secretly. Your health and future baby’s health is more important than his unsubstantiated views and that of his crazy family’s.

wannabeamummysobad · 28/12/2021 14:22

@SmithCW

Hi everyone,

This is really hard for me to talk about as I know how judgemental some people are over anything COVID related. So, both me and my husband aren't vaccinated against COVID. At first it was because we weren't old enough (mid 20s) but when it became available for us we, like many of our peers, were hesitant to take the leap. The vaccine felt too new and we knew we would be TTC within the next few months and wanted to make sure it would be safe. My husband felt strongly that he didn't need it (98% survival rate for his age).

Over time there's so much more evidence about the side effects and whatnot and that coupled with the extreme pressures from society I've wanted to get vaccinated for the last few months. Problem is - he doesn't and really doesn't want me to either. His family (my in laws) have flipped and gone massive anti-vaxx in all the crazy extreme ways (they want us to promise we'd never get it) and although my husband isn't like that I can't help but feel he is heavily influenced by his family but he thinks I'm heavily influenced by mine (all had the vaccine and are desperate for me to).

It's hard to put this into words or to make people understand but I now feel CONSTANTLY anxious over this - it's like a dark cloud that follows me around. I feel like a black sheep in society and I HATE IT. But I'm also not ready to risk my marriage over it? I am so scared this will tear us apart and we are only newlyweds. We got married in Aug and have been TTC since. I just don't know what's right here. His family (especially his mum) are so full on about it that I genuinely think they'd cut me out for being vaccinated but I've been with him for 8 years and his parents are like parents to me - I'm so so scared of upsetting them. It's also sooooo hard when your husband is begging for you not to have it. He says he probably will get it eventually but not for a few years when he feels extremely confident that it won't have any future effects on our children and that we can't possibly know it won't for sure as it's not been around long enough.

I know he sounds OTT but he is honestly the most chilled guy - this is so unlike him. I have this fear that if I go and get it he: a) might just leave me. B) if I were to miscarry/ anything wrong with our child he'd blame me C) I'd tear him away from his family. They would bring this up at EVERY family gathering for years to come.

I know a lot of you will just say "your body your choice" and "good riddance" if he'd leave me but in reality that's a very, very different situation. I suppose I'm looking for some GENUINE advice here. I feel like it's breaking me apart and I can't cope anymore but I love him. I'm not stupid or naive here but I want a way to navigate and handle this in the right way.

Sorry for the long post and I hope I don't cause too much controversy- that's not my aim.

Personally I'm not vaccinated against Covid as can't see the point - you can still spread and catch it even if vaccinated against it. However, my DH, in laws and most of my family are. It was their choice. I took the decision not to be vaccinated because we wanted to TTC and back then they told pregnant women not to get the jab I reasoned if it's not safe for them it's not safe for me who wants to be pregnant soon. I'm now mid 2nd trimester and have no intention of getting the jab - all of my friends who were pregnant at the height of Covid didn't get it and were fine.

You have to decide what you think is best for you. My DH wants me to get the jab (I've had whooping cough vaccine and flu vaccine pregnant so am not against vaccinations I just don't want this one) but respects my decision not to.
My mum a NHS midwife agrees with me not getting it pregnant (though at work she advises using the royal college of midwives stance). There are no easy choices in parenthood.

One last thing all the keyboard warriors on MN won't be there other than a random message if something goes wrong with your pregnancy or if you leave/separate from DH so take their (and my) advice with a pinch of salt. Only you can decide the risks you take for your pregnancy and relationship.

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 28/12/2021 14:22

My husband felt strongly that he didn't need it (98% survival rate for his age)

That's a 1 in 50 chance of dying, and given current case numbers those are not attractive odds. And has he looked into the stats for long term and permanent disability?