Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭

[Berlyboo]

I have children healthy and happy everything was going great perfect until I found out that my hubby had a vasectomy.... Its his body and his choice.... But he never discussed it with me.. I feel so angry and hurt by his choice. He wasn't 100% sure if he wanted more children and I wasn't sure if I wanted more children but he made up his own mind to have a vasectomy without speaking to me. . But since then I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore every time I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby.... We are both young and he took the choice away from us to have another baby he hurt me so much..... Anyways he is now sleeping on the couch the past three months I want him to leave and he won't I just can't forgive him for what he done it makes me sick everyday. He says it will take time for me to get my head around it but he wants to get it reversed as he doesn't feel good about himself any more? 😡 I want him out and I don't know if I'm just angry or what is happening with me but has anyone else gone through this and if they have does it get better?

I would be pissed too but not so much that I would want to end the relationship.
You need to get some marriage counselling.

Why did he do it without telling you? What has he said about it?

id be upset that he never mentioned til after the fact but its 100% his body his choice, he doesnt want more children so took care of it

I think there are deeper issues within the relationship to begin with. I would be upset yes but I would be thinking more along the lines of why couldn't he feel he could communicate with me about it.
It's a big deal that should've been discussed definitely but I wouldn't go so far as to end things immediately.

I think it is very strange for a husband and wife not to discuss something like that. But he must know he doesn’t want any more children, in which case, whether he has a vasectomy or not, you no longer had the choice with him anyway.

So he went and had it done without mentioning it to you? I’m sorry but that would be a deal breaker for me. Fine he didn’t want more children but to go behind your back and have it done is wrong.

It is his body and his choice. The number of children you have is not something that can be compromised on. No matter how much you may have wanted another child, you cannot coerce him into being a father again.

It's very strange that he did it without telling you. Did he expect you to stop him? Did he tell you afterwards or have you found out?

He has not taken your choices away from you, he has taken responsibility for his own. That's what men are told to do on MN, if they don't want more children then have a vasectomy.

Did he not tell you because he thought you'd be very upset ans his mind was made up then?

How would you have reacted if he'd told you but still went ahead with it? Would you have left him then? It was his choice.

You do come across as more upset that he had it than that he didn't tell you. That's probably why he didn't.

When did he have it done, how did you find out and now much later was it that you did?

I’d be livid. There’s basic trust and communication lacking and I wouldn’t be able to come back from that.

Something as big as this should be discussed as a couple. I'm not surprised you're feeling how you are.

The fact that he didnt discuss this, or if he doesnt understand why you are upset shows there is a huge problem in the marriage already.

Only you can decide how you feel about this and whether you feel it is a big enough issue to dissolve your marriage.

He should have told you he was doing it.

I'm with you OP and I wouldn't be able to see him in the same light again.
Of course it's his body but bloody hell, you discuss something as major as this with your partner surely?
What's his reasoning for not talking it through with you?

Why didn’t he tell you? It seems very extreme to have it done without talking about it first unless there are other issues at play.

While I get the 'his body/his choice' I do think it's bizarre to be in a committed relationship and have a procedure without informing your partner. Especially a procedure such as a vasectomy.

Is the communication within your relationship usually this absent?

He has a right to make that decision but he absolutely should have told you. Just like you should tell a person if you're infertile or have life limiting conditions. People have a right to know what their future with a person does or doesn't involve. And you had a right to know he was deciding you weren't having any more children. I'd be furious and couldn't trust DH again.

Who does the house belong to? Can you move/sell without his involvement?

It’s his body and his choice, but is this really a partnership if such big decisions are taken without even a discussion with each other?

How did you find out?

I can't stand all the "His body, his choice" about something like this.

That absolutely and totally misses the point.

It's an unforgivable cowardly act of betrayal, no excuse whatsoever.

I don't blame you OP for feeling like he's a lying arse who didn't have the guts to discuss it with you, his life partner. No excuse. Does he have no moral compass? I'd want him out too in your situation.

Of course it's his choice what he does to his body, but the result affects you too and he absolutely should have at least discussed this with you.
I'm also surprised he managed to have it done without you noticing, how did you find out and why didn't he tell you?

I think that would be grounds for divorce. How xneaky. I'd leave.

And now he wants it reversed because 'he doesn't feel good about himself anymore'!

Is he an idiot? I hope the NHS did not pay for it- and he does know they won't pay for the reversal?

LTB

What is odd is you say he did it when he wasn’t sure about having more children?? Surely it’s something you do when you ARE VERY sure so he must have been lying to you when he said he wasn’t sure about more kids???
I’d be more concerned and put off about his inability to communicate and make sensible decisions than his inability to have kids

My Ex DH did this, well he told me about it but there was no discussion. As it transpires it was booked in for just after I was due to give birth to his first and last baby.

He actually went and had it done whilst she was in scbu for the first week of her life with cyanotic episodes ( never got to the bottom of them ). So it was up in the air as to whether she would make it or not anyway.

I couldn't and didn't ever forgive him, he dangled having a reversal in front of me for the rest of our ( short lived ) marriage. It was all down to power in the end, I was 25 and he 35. We were divorced by the time I was 31.

that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby.... We are both young and he took the choice away from us to have another baby he hurt me so much

He's been responsible, if he doesn't want more children (and clearly he doesn't, it's a process of drs and referral etc to get a vasectomy. I'd be a bit blown away at the lack of prior discussion but tbh you're sick looking at him and making him sleep on the sofa so perhaps he thought he would never get you to agree and that's why he's gone and done it without discussing it.
Your whole post reads like you were hoping to convince him to have another baby when that's apparently not what he wants.

He has not taken your choices away from you, he has taken responsibility for his own. That's what men are told to do on MN, if they don't want more children then have a vasectomy

Yes, that's exactly what's said all the time on here, but it's entertaining to watch things swing the other way when it somehow doesn't suit