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Original poster

Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭

590 replies

Berlyboo · 28/12/2021 11:44

I have children healthy and happy everything was going great perfect until I found out that my hubby had a vasectomy.... Its his body and his choice.... But he never discussed it with me.. I feel so angry and hurt by his choice. He wasn't 100% sure if he wanted more children and I wasn't sure if I wanted more children but he made up his own mind to have a vasectomy without speaking to me. . But since then I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore every time I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby.... We are both young and he took the choice away from us to have another baby he hurt me so much..... Anyways he is now sleeping on the couch the past three months I want him to leave and he won't I just can't forgive him for what he done it makes me sick everyday. He says it will take time for me to get my head around it but he wants to get it reversed as he doesn't feel good about himself any more? 😡 I want him out and I don't know if I'm just angry or what is happening with me but has anyone else gone through this and if they have does it get better?

OP posts:
Original poster
Berlyboo · 28/12/2021 12:19

He wasn't sure if he didn't want anymore children and I was the same.... He rang up about it and he said it all happened very quick when he was outside he had second thoughts but went ahead with it...he told two friends but never told me.... When I asked him WHY he could tell friends and not me he had he said he was just being an A##hole 🤷‍♀️ we tell each other everything we were so perfect until he done it... He is trying his absolute best to make things right but I just can't we have been together 17years since we were 16... My birth control has us safe for five years so if he was 100% didnt want anymore children why not put on a condom 🤷‍♀️ also he wants a reversal now because he doesn't feel the same 🤷‍♀️ well I did have to disagree with him on that I told him no why put your body through that?

OP posts:
GoodPrincessWenceslas · 28/12/2021 12:21

The thing is, even if he'd discussed it with you beforehand - which he obviously should have - it looks as if he'd have made the same decision anyway. If you'd had that discussion, would you.have told him it would mean the end of your marriage?

Scarydinosaurs · 28/12/2021 12:23

I don’t believe he was rushed into it. It isn’t an easy procedure to get especially if you’re young.

However, it is his body and his choice.

TellMeItsPossible · 28/12/2021 12:24

@Puzzledandpissedoff

He has not taken your choices away from you, he has taken responsibility for his own. That's what men are told to do on MN, if they don't want more children then have a vasectomy

Yes, that's exactly what's said all the time on here, but it's entertaining to watch things swing the other way when it somehow doesn't suit

I hate this argument, this site has millions of users and they don't all comment on the same threads all the time, there are different POVs all the time, it's a ridiculous statement to make.

OP, you're right to be upset at the lack of communication, but he must be just as free to do what he wishes with his body as you are with yours.

PersonaNonGarter · 28/12/2021 12:27

OP, sorry but from the style of your posts you sound very hard to deal with - dramatic and demanding. You have children and he didn’t want more. His body his choice.

StFrancisdeCompostela · 28/12/2021 12:27

Why didn’t he tell you? That’s really not ok. It’s his choice as to whether he wants more children and his choice as to whether he wants a vasectomy, but by not telling you he also made the decision for YOU that YOU’RE not having any more children and didn’t tell you. That’s inacceptable imo and I think it would be a deal breaker for me too.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 28/12/2021 12:27

His body, his choice

Would your reaction have been so very different if he had discussed with you and then still went c ahead with the vasectomy?

StFrancisdeCompostela · 28/12/2021 12:29

@Puzzledandpissedoff

He has not taken your choices away from you, he has taken responsibility for his own. That's what men are told to do on MN, if they don't want more children then have a vasectomy

Yes, that's exactly what's said all the time on here, but it's entertaining to watch things swing the other way when it somehow doesn't suit

Having a vasectomy is one thing. Having a vasectomy and not telling your partner so that she spends possibly years labouring under the false belief that they might one day have more children, potentially wasting valuable fertile years for her, is another. Do you honestly think that’s ok?
Rangoon · 28/12/2021 12:31

If he can be this sneaky and go through all of this without telling you or letting something slip I'd be angry about the deceit and I'd be wondering what other sort of things are going on that you don't suspect either. It does sound like the relationship is over given that every time you look at him you feel sick. How did you find out? I suppose you could have counselling but I'd consult a lawyer. You can I believe "separate" in the same house as long as you are living totally separate lives if he is still insists on being a limpet on your sofa.

BoudecaBains · 28/12/2021 12:31

@Chely

I would be pissed too but not so much that I would want to end the relationship. You need to get some marriage counselling.
Agree, totally.
CorrBlimeyGG · 28/12/2021 12:32

if he was 100% didnt want anymore children why not put on a condom

Condoms are not 100% effective.

also he wants a reversal now because he doesn't feel the same 🤷‍♀️ well I did have to disagree with him on that I told him no why put your body through that?

You didn't want him to have it, but you don't want him to have it reversed. What do you want?

Politics4me · 28/12/2021 12:33

We know a couple like this, the wife took the decision immediately after birth of her son.
She blurted it out one night in pub, rueful head shaking and eye rolling from her husband. He did know but surprised she talked about it as an achievement.
My wife cannot put the thought out of her mind.

bedheadedzombie · 28/12/2021 12:35

I'd be massively angry too. By not telling you, he put you in a position where you took the pill for five years unnecessarily, risking blood clots and all that for nothing.

PassingByAndThoughtIdDropIn · 28/12/2021 12:35

So he let you carry on taking contraception? There are a couple of different ways of looking at that.

Men are always told on here that if they don't want children then they should take action themselves and not leave it up to the woman, even if she says she's using reliable contraception. But I always think that if my DH did that in a long term relationship I'd take it as a sign that he didn't trust me not to lie to him about contraception.

Grandmotherschina · 28/12/2021 12:35

Good for him. He made a decision about his future responsibilities.

If a man posted on here saying his wife had her tubes tied without discussion there would be fucking uproar

CounsellorTroi · 28/12/2021 12:36

OP you say that neither of you was sure you wanted another child, but it sounds as though he was very very sure. Has this been an ongoing bone of contention between you?

Needsmorebeans · 28/12/2021 12:37

If you had discussed it OP and that was what he really wanted, would you have been OK with it? I would want to know why he didn't want to discuss something so important with me

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/12/2021 12:37

Having a vasectomy is one thing. Having a vasectomy and not telling your partner so that she spends possibly years labouring under the false belief that they might one day have more children, potentially wasting valuable fertile years for her, is another. Do you honestly think that’s ok?

Personally, no I wouldn't find it okay, but then I'm one of the posters who believes a conversation's important rather than insisting that, for men, it should be condoms, a vasectomy or nothing

As said, it's not the principle behind this that amused me, but the way that principle swings according to taste

pinkgin85 · 28/12/2021 12:37

I'm confused, did he get it done recently or years ago? If it was very recent then yea it's weird he didn't mention it to you beforehand but it's his body I gues. If it was years ago then it's awful

Magnited · 28/12/2021 12:37

I lost this thread at 'hubby'.

MrsWhites · 28/12/2021 12:38

It is his choice but what kind of a partnership is it when one person makes such a permanent decision without discussing it.

You would have been unreasonable to try and stop him from going through with it but he is unreasonable now to expect you to be ok with his decision!

RedskyThisNight · 28/12/2021 12:38

I agree he should have spoken to you before having it done.
But if one person in a couple wants children and the other one doesn't, then I don't think the couple should have children. So in that respect there was nothing to "discuss". In fact, as other posters have said, if he was sure he didn't want more children, having a vasectomy is a responsible thing to do to avoid accidents.

I think you need to focus on the lack of trust/communication rather than the vasectomy per se. Perhaps marriage counselling would help?

Etinoxaurus · 28/12/2021 12:39

@Magnited

I lost this thread at 'hubby'.
Behave.
TractorAndHeadphones · 28/12/2021 12:40

@Puzzledandpissedoff

He has not taken your choices away from you, he has taken responsibility for his own. That's what men are told to do on MN, if they don't want more children then have a vasectomy

Yes, that's exactly what's said all the time on here, but it's entertaining to watch things swing the other way when it somehow doesn't suit

Agree 🙂

Having said that OP it’s deceitful and shameful that he didn’t tell you.
I wouldn’t be able to trust him after that

Original poster
Berlyboo · 28/12/2021 12:41

My birth control plus a condom from his end.. I'm sure it would equal to 99.9% because nothing is ever 100% so I'm told not even I vasectomy 🤷‍♀️ I'm just actually shattered that he took a choice from us both

OP posts: