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Original poster

Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭

590 replies

Berlyboo · 28/12/2021 11:44

I have children healthy and happy everything was going great perfect until I found out that my hubby had a vasectomy.... Its his body and his choice.... But he never discussed it with me.. I feel so angry and hurt by his choice. He wasn't 100% sure if he wanted more children and I wasn't sure if I wanted more children but he made up his own mind to have a vasectomy without speaking to me. . But since then I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore every time I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby.... We are both young and he took the choice away from us to have another baby he hurt me so much..... Anyways he is now sleeping on the couch the past three months I want him to leave and he won't I just can't forgive him for what he done it makes me sick everyday. He says it will take time for me to get my head around it but he wants to get it reversed as he doesn't feel good about himself any more? 😡 I want him out and I don't know if I'm just angry or what is happening with me but has anyone else gone through this and if they have does it get better?

OP posts:
youkiddingme · 30/12/2021 15:57

I love how all the experts know what's going on in the husband's head. Wouldn't it be nice if he'd made that clear to his wife.
Do you two communicate well in general OP? Do you feel there is a power imbalance in your relationship, in either direction? Do you fall out about other things and if so how do you come to an agreement? Has he kept other secrets from you? Do you feel there's a general lack of honesty between you? Are there other things either of you are unhappy about? Do you fall out about childcare for the children you have or other parenting decisions?

You can just answer these to yourself if you prefer. But I think you need to look at the overall shape of your relationship, with help if you need it, so you can decide what you want and if that is achievable.

PasstheBucket89 · 30/12/2021 16:05

all the "his body his choice" comments totally miss the point

he actively betrayed his other half by hiding this from her, what else could he be capable of hiding? xx

PomegranateRose · 31/12/2021 11:12

The other way of asking about the situation is “what could have made him feel he couldn’t tell her he wanted a vasectomy in the first place”. I’m not usually one for playing devils advocate for it’s own sake but we’re only getting half of the story here and, again, much as it is a huge betrayal of trust on one side of the coin, the fact that he went and did something major in secret suggests the other side of the coin could be that he knew he wouldn’t be heard, or would have been pushed to wait when he’d rather not or not do it at all. The logical assumption in the absence of more information was that he clearly didn’t want more children. So why didn’t he feel he could say that and have it be respected?

Two sides to every story and all that.

Jessie75 · 31/12/2021 11:16

I wonder what the response would be if a woman went off and had an abortion behind her husband’s back without discussion

TrishM80 · 31/12/2021 11:22

Well if your reaction in the OP is anything to go by, he obviously got it done without telling you before you had a chance to emotionally blackmail him.

Doomscrolling · 31/12/2021 12:33

@Jessie75

I wonder what the response would be if a woman went off and had an abortion behind her husband’s back without discussion
It would be “your body, your choice” and quite rightly. No one besides the woman involved gets a vote on whether or o proceed with a pregnancy.
Thesearmsofmine · 31/12/2021 13:14

@Jessie75

I wonder what the response would be if a woman went off and had an abortion behind her husband’s back without discussion
Surely the equivalent would be a woman getting sterilised? An abortion is a totally different situation. If a woman chose to get sterilised without telling her husband then I would presume the relationship is not a healthy one, the same as I do in this situation.
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 31/12/2021 14:24

I love how all the experts know what's going on in the husband's head.

Well, the one thing we know, for absolute certain, is that he does not want any more children.

Despite OP’s protests and what he is now saying, we know a man who might want more children would not have a vasectomy.

What is in question is why OP is so convinced he isn’t certain he doesn’t want children, or why he feels he still can’t admit he doesn’t want any more, even after having a vasectomy. I infer from this that she either doesn’t listen to him, or there is coercion.

JustLyra · 31/12/2021 15:25

we know a man who might want more children would not have a vasectomy.

Considering the number of men who have reversals that’s not always the case.

CounsellorTroi · 31/12/2021 15:36

@JustLyra

we know a man who might want more children would not have a vasectomy.

Considering the number of men who have reversals that’s not always the case.

Usually when they’ve split from the partner they had the vasectomy with and met someone else who doesn’t have children.
TrishM80 · 31/12/2021 18:21

And they already have 3 kids, that's she's admitting to at least, which is more than enough, so completely unreasonable reaction!

youkiddingme · 31/12/2021 19:14

@TrishM80

And they already have 3 kids, that's she's admitting to at least, which is more than enough, so completely unreasonable reaction!
That's for them to decide.
AlDanvers · 31/12/2021 20:11

He did decide. He Doesn't want anymore.

JustLyra · 31/12/2021 22:18

@TrishM80

And they already have 3 kids, that's she's admitting to at least, which is more than enough, so completely unreasonable reaction!
The number of kids doesn’t excuse the secrecy and hiding.

It would still be out of line hiding that information from your spouse if you were a family like the Radfords

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 31/12/2021 22:32

@JustLyra

Why do you think he hid it? What do you think is the most likely reason?

JustLyra · 31/12/2021 22:39

[quote AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]@JustLyra

Why do you think he hid it? What do you think is the most likely reason?[/quote]
I’ve already said, several times, why.

He wanted to do what he wanted re future children (as is his right), but didn’t want to risk his wife making a decision he didn’t like about the future of their relationship (which isn’t right).

It’s not about the vasectomy. That is his choice, it’s the hiding it and not allowing the OP her choice about their relationship beyond that.

Bumblefuzz · 31/12/2021 22:44

Would he even be able to have a reversal on the NHS? I know that when my ex-h had his 13 years ago they weren't. Many vasectomies also aren't reversible and the success rates of most private hospitals are ridiculously low. We used a specialist clinic in Hartlepool that used a microsurgery technique that at the time wasn't otherwise available outside of the US. It cost about £6.5k I think at the time.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 31/12/2021 23:11

@JustLyra

That doesn’t sound like a choice to me. It sounds like coercion

JustLyra · 31/12/2021 23:15

[quote AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]@JustLyra

That doesn’t sound like a choice to me. It sounds like coercion[/quote]
How is it coercion for her to have a right what she does?

It wouldn’t be coercion for someone to leave a relationship because they disagreed over having a child. Coercion would staying and trying to inflict your choice on your partner when you know it’s not what they want.

Now, I wouldn’t have left a solid relationship to have a fourth child, but some would. That’s their right to do so and no-one has them right to take that choice from them.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 31/12/2021 23:18

Coercion would staying and trying to inflict your choice on your partner when you know it’s not what they want.

You mean like saying your husband is definitely not closed to the idea of having more children… even though he recently had a vasectomy?

JustLyra · 31/12/2021 23:21

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Coercion would staying and trying to inflict your choice on your partner when you know it’s not what they want.

You mean like saying your husband is definitely not closed to the idea of having more children… even though he recently had a vasectomy?

Well, that’s just echoing what he says.

She’s not the one that’s been hiding life choices from their spouse, but clearly you’ve decided he’s the trustworthy one.

Which is an opinion you’re entitled to, but I’m also entitled to mine.

He was within his rights to have a vasectomy. She’s within her rights to walk away (should that be her choice) if she wanted more children. He’s not right to hide it from her in a bid to have his choice but deprive her of the right to move on to have hers, should that be what she wants.

It doesn’t matter to me if a secret vasectomy is before any kids or after 20 - it’s not an acceptable thing to hide from your spouse.

JustLyra · 31/12/2021 23:22

She’s also totally within her rights to end their marriage on the basis that he hid something so massive, and even himself said he doesn’t know for how long he’d have hidden it.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 31/12/2021 23:24

@JustLyra

She’s also totally within her rights to end their marriage on the basis that he hid something so massive, and even himself said he doesn’t know for how long he’d have hidden it.
We just see it very differently. Each of your points just screams coercion to me.

Possibly just because of the job I used to do.

JustLyra · 31/12/2021 23:26

We just see it very differently. Each of your points just screams coercion to me.

Whereas with my experience of it, it’s his behaviour that screams controlling and coercive.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 31/12/2021 23:31

Secrecy and hiding things from your partner is not coercion.

Coercion is stopping your partner from doing things through threats and intimidation.

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