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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭

590 replies

Berlyboo · 28/12/2021 11:44

I have children healthy and happy everything was going great perfect until I found out that my hubby had a vasectomy.... Its his body and his choice.... But he never discussed it with me.. I feel so angry and hurt by his choice. He wasn't 100% sure if he wanted more children and I wasn't sure if I wanted more children but he made up his own mind to have a vasectomy without speaking to me. . But since then I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore every time I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby.... We are both young and he took the choice away from us to have another baby he hurt me so much..... Anyways he is now sleeping on the couch the past three months I want him to leave and he won't I just can't forgive him for what he done it makes me sick everyday. He says it will take time for me to get my head around it but he wants to get it reversed as he doesn't feel good about himself any more? 😡 I want him out and I don't know if I'm just angry or what is happening with me but has anyone else gone through this and if they have does it get better?

OP posts:

Etinoxaurus · 28/12/2021 12:41

How did you find out? Sounds like a reversal would be a good idea. I can understand how you feel betrayed but also can see how he was being responsible but then steamrollered, not suggesting the clinic bullied him but that assertiveness isn’t always easy especially around out bodies and ho different for men.

Almost2022 · 28/12/2021 12:42

You both need counselling. I don't think something like this is worth throwing your marriage away. Yes he should've communicated but its not the worse thing in the world. You have children together, more than some could hope for and he hasn't cheated.

NotTheGrinchAgain · 28/12/2021 12:43

I’m not sure you are really upset about the vasectomy so much as upset about the fact he didn’t communicate with you, when usually you think he would have. It sounds out of character, so perhaps he felt certain he didn’t want more kids and he didn’t want you to accidentally fall pregnant nor did he want to force you to make a decision and wanted to be responsible.

It sounds like now he is back pedalling, suggesting a reversal to appease you. Which is a bit crazy in my opinion, if neither of you really want more kids!

So it is decision time - Would you have supported the decision, if you had time to talk to him about it before hand? Ultimately if you would have supported his right to decide to have the vasectomy, then you need to let go of your anger and forgive him.

And then decide together DO you want more kids, because there is no point reversing a vasectomy if you don’t.

He knows he did the wrong thing by doing this alone, emphasise you want to share thoughts and decisions especially when they are important and difficult. Then move on. This isn’t something to end a relationship over.

Ps I have overheard (at work) blokes discussing their vasectomies and it does seem to be something most men take pretty seriously, although they may appear to joke around a bit, it is a big step and they seem to get some kind of validation from talking about it amongst other men. So I would definitely not make an issue of that either.

BlondeDogLady · 28/12/2021 12:43

OP, sorry but from the style of your posts you sound very hard to deal with - dramatic and demanding. You have children and he didn’t want more. His body his choice

Would any woman get sterilised in secret? Really?

user1491404899 · 28/12/2021 12:44

His body his choice. He's taken responsibility.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/12/2021 12:45

This site has millions of users and they don't all comment on the same threads all the time, there are different POVs all the time

Sorry, TellMeItsPossible, I missed your post when replying before
FWIW you're quite right, but that doesn't change the fact that any threat about fertility immediately attracts a stampede of "He should have a vasectomy!!"

Try suggesting what any woman should do with her own body and watch the sky fall ...

CoastalWave · 28/12/2021 12:45

Sounds like a man who has been coerced into having 3 more children than he wanted...he's taken matters into his own hands by the sound of it!

C8H10N4O2 · 28/12/2021 12:45

He rang up about it and he said it all happened very quick when he was outside he had second thoughts but went ahead with it...

I'm amazed it could all be done so quickly, especially if on the NHS. DH had to attend at least one counseling type appointment then be referred and either wait for a few months on the NHS or pay and still wait four weeks (or sign a waiver that he had received the advice to wait first). Perhaps these days its much easier.

When did he tell you? Immediately afterward so you could at least remove the hormonal contraceptive or did you find out much later?

SunshineCake1 · 28/12/2021 12:46

@BertieQueen

So he went and had it done without mentioning it to you? I’m sorry but that would be a deal breaker for me. Fine he didn’t want more children but to go behind your back and have it done is wrong.

But she can still have children with someone else. All he has done is carry through on his no more kids for him, she couldn't have another child with him anyway if he didn't agree. He's taking responsibility rather than saying he doesn't like condoms and expecting her to take or use contraception.

Having said that, I'd be devastated if my husband did such a big think without wanting to talk to me about it never mind not doing so.

My dh has had the same operation. I didn't want him to as we both would have liked more children but we had to stop the chance of me conceiving again.

I can see all sides but I wouldn't leave my husband over this. I'd try and make things work.

LolaSmiles · 28/12/2021 12:47

He has not taken your choices away from you, he has taken responsibility for his own. That's what men are told to do on MN, if they don't want more children then have a vasectomy
This.
The default response on here when an unplanned pregnancy happens is that no contraception is 100% so any man who has sex is automatically consenting to becoming a father and if he doesn't want children he should have a vasectomy or abstain (ignoring the fairly obvious fact that many adults might want to have sex without wanting to be a parent at a particular stage in their life).

It's odd that he didn't tell you about it, but it's his body. I'd imagine given you're still not sure about wanting more children and have him sleeping on the sofa over this, he might have been concerned that you'd try to pressure him into changing his mind.

Thickasmincepie · 28/12/2021 12:47

How did you not notice afterwards? Dh was walking like John Wayne for a good couple of days afterwards.

Chickenkatsu · 28/12/2021 12:48

If a woman decides to get her tubes tied, it's her choice and her choice only. I imagine he did it without telling you because he knew how you would react.

madisonbridges · 28/12/2021 12:49

@BlondeDogLady

OP, sorry but from the style of your posts you sound very hard to deal with - dramatic and demanding. You have children and he didn’t want more. His body his choice

Would any woman get sterilised in secret? Really?

There was a thread about a woman who was pregnant but couldn't face having another (5th?) baby. She knew her husband would pressurise her to keep it so she decided to have an abortion without telling him. (I think it was about 95% of posters who supported her decision.) Is that worse than being sterilised without agreement? I don't know.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/12/2021 12:50

Fgs - his body his choice is not the point here!!

The point is, the husband (would be an ex for me, this goes way beyond counselling)? Made a unilateral decision about something massive. It's unforgivable.

And furthermore, the op asked him to leave, and he hasn't.

Selfish, thoughtless, sexist; divorce.

stingofthebutterfly · 28/12/2021 12:51

Yes he should have told you he was going to have it done, but you can't play the 'took the ability to have more children away from us' card. He didn't want more. He took care of it. You need to respect that.

So many couples that don't see eye to eye about having more children, end up with more, unless it's the woman that doesn't want more. At least he was sensible about it.

PaterPower · 28/12/2021 12:51

So what, OP, would you have done had he told you he was getting one, you’d then said “I don’t want you to do that,” but he’d gone ahead anyway?

Is it REALLY the lack of discussion that you’re angry about, or that he’s made his own decision about his own body? How does that map across to you?

Would you believe he would have the right (and be justified in becoming angry if you “disobeyed” him) about getting your tubes tied?

What if you had unilaterally decided to get pregnant again, came off your contraceptives and not told him? Would he be OK to be angry with you for that?

What about having an abortion (either wanting you to get one or for you to keep a baby)? Would he have been reasonable to be angry that you went with your own choice then?

It IS his body, his choice. Full stop. Same for you. Same for everybody in a halfway civilised society.

madisonbridges · 28/12/2021 12:51

And furthermore, the op asked him to leave, and he hasn't.
So what? Why does that make ut worse? She could leave.

DeerMyDear · 28/12/2021 12:52

That’s a choice you make together. I’d question my relationship if he’s making those types of decisions without me.

Original poster

Berlyboo · 28/12/2021 12:52

We were going out for dinner one night and he gave me his phone to get his covid cert ready to be scanned and underneath it was an email from the vasectomy clinic he had it done in.... I just can't forgive him we both were unsure of kids in the future but he made the choice for us and it's not nice we were so perfect and I just can't see us ever being that way again.... The sickening feeling everyday is horrible

OP posts:

PomegranateQueen · 28/12/2021 12:53

YANBU OP. The fact that he could plan and go through such a life changing procedure without breathing a word to you shows that the communication in your relationship has completely broken down, or that he has a tendency to be deceitful. Yes it is his body and his choice but a husband and wife should be able to talk through these things together.

JennyForeigner · 28/12/2021 12:53

I'm pissed he wants it reversed for such a stupid reason. Hope the NHS say no.

PassingByAndThoughtIdDropIn · 28/12/2021 12:54

The point is not the unilateral decision. If he told her "I'm having a vasectomy, I'm sorry you don't want it but it's my body and there's nothing to discuss" then he'd be completely within his rights.

But not telling her, letting her carry on using contraception and believe that they might have another child together in a couple of years if they wanted, is not OK.

Woodmarsh · 28/12/2021 12:54

@Magnited aren't you the cool one then

OH had the snip 3 years ago and it took around 4 months from initial enquiry to actual op and involved 2 consultation sessions so I don't he was rushed. Was this recent OP

madisonbridges · 28/12/2021 12:54

He hasn't really changed anything about your marriage. He was never going to have another child. What difference does it make if he does that by using contraception or having a vasectomy?

PomegranateQueen · 28/12/2021 12:54

madisonbridges because why should OP and the DCs move out?

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