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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭

590 replies

Berlyboo · 28/12/2021 11:44

I have children healthy and happy everything was going great perfect until I found out that my hubby had a vasectomy.... Its his body and his choice.... But he never discussed it with me.. I feel so angry and hurt by his choice. He wasn't 100% sure if he wanted more children and I wasn't sure if I wanted more children but he made up his own mind to have a vasectomy without speaking to me. . But since then I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore every time I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby.... We are both young and he took the choice away from us to have another baby he hurt me so much..... Anyways he is now sleeping on the couch the past three months I want him to leave and he won't I just can't forgive him for what he done it makes me sick everyday. He says it will take time for me to get my head around it but he wants to get it reversed as he doesn't feel good about himself any more? 😡 I want him out and I don't know if I'm just angry or what is happening with me but has anyone else gone through this and if they have does it get better?

OP posts:
Motnight · 28/12/2021 13:10

Surely it's the secrecy here that is the issue? Op would never have found out if she hadn't glimpsed an email on his phone.

NeverChange · 28/12/2021 13:11

How many children have you and where they all planned together by both of you?

FrippEnos · 28/12/2021 13:11

arethereanyleftatall
Fgs - his body his choice is not the point here!!

It should always be the point.

Unless like so many on here you don't believe that a man should make the choice.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/12/2021 13:13

I dont thing the NHS is prioritising vasectomy reversals right now.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 28/12/2021 13:13

The secrecy is the problem here.

The vasectomy? Not so much.

fancyfrank1 · 28/12/2021 13:13

I would be fuming!! My oh had the snip when he was 28 we have 3 children together but youngest was only a few months old when he went in for it I don't feel I could mentally make a proper decision as I was all over the place from having the baby I was only 23 at the time when he had it. 5 years on I'm so glad he had it we don't have to worry about getting caught and we both feel so done with night feeds an nappy changes.
I think you need to sit and have a serious chat about your relationship and where you go from here .. good luck op x

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 28/12/2021 13:14

@CorrBlimeyGG

He has not taken your choices away from you, he has taken responsibility for his own. That's what men are told to do on MN, if they don't want more children then have a vasectomy.
This is such a disingenuous (at best) comment. Hmm Who doesn't even discuss this type of thing in a normal healthy relatiobship .
caringcarer · 28/12/2021 13:14

Making his own choice not so much a problem, keeping it secret a massive breech of trust as depriving op to make her own decision.

Loudestcat14 · 28/12/2021 13:15

I don't know if it would be enough of a deal breaker to end my marriage, and punishing him by making him sleep on the sofa for three months is probably affecting the children you do have, but the lack of communication would worry me. At the very least you should get counselling to unravel why he didn't feel able to tell you beforehand. Was he scared of your reaction? Does he usually not give a shit about your feelings? Lots to unpick.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/12/2021 13:15

I most certainly discussed my sterilisation op with my then husband. We decided we didn't want children together. I already had one of my own.
There is no way I'd just have gone off and done it without talking to him. Its just common courtesy if nothing else.

NCnotmyusualone · 28/12/2021 13:16

My exH did this too. It’s only one of the many reasons he’s my ex, but it was one of the significant ones.

NowEvenBetter · 28/12/2021 13:16

From your further posts, your ‘hubby’ sounds thick as fuck.

Ohisitreally · 28/12/2021 13:16

TBH I kind of understand why you feel like you do but on the other hand if you had got pregnant it would have been your choice as to whether you kept the baby or not! I think your husband has made the decision for himself which is fair ,but he should have had a proper conversation with you about beforehand.
Your body your choice is fair for both males and females.

C8H10N4O2 · 28/12/2021 13:16

@Puzzledandpissedoff

Fgs - his body his choice is not the point here!!

Admittedly I'm playing devil's advocate here, but isn't that said to be ALWAYS the point - or at least it is for women?

As said, I'd prefer a proper adult discussion so what he's done wouldn't suit me either, but then I don't try to have it both ways

The decision is never comparable as men's and women's bodies and lives are affected so differently. Women experience far more change and risk both physically and in terms of life opportunities than men. So much so that I've often heard men say it was up to their wives how many children (within reason) as the wives did all the child care.

However sterilisation by one partner in a supposedly good relationship without discussion is odd, especially when apparently done with as much thought as popping in for a haircut and then regretting it.

StFrancisdeCompostela · 28/12/2021 13:17

@Puzzledandpissedoff

Fgs - his body his choice is not the point here!!

Admittedly I'm playing devil's advocate here, but isn't that said to be ALWAYS the point - or at least it is for women?

As said, I'd prefer a proper adult discussion so what he's done wouldn't suit me either, but then I don't try to have it both ways

Are you being deliberately obtuse?

It’s his body. It’s his choice to have a vasectomy. If he had said to the OP ‘I don’t want any more children so I am having a vasectomy to ensure it doesn’t happen’ there wouldn’t be an issue here.

The issue is leading your spouse to believe that you might be open to the possibility of more children when you absolutely aren’t. The issue is that he has denied OP the opportunity to decide that actually she really does want more children, and therefore end the relationship to enable that to happen.

Women have a limited number of fertile years. Lying to your partner about the possibility of more children and therefore wasting those years is not ok.

DoleWhipFloat · 28/12/2021 13:17

It seems to me that your DH was in fact very sure about not wanting anymore children, but knew that you felt differently.

He wouldn’t have gone and had a vasectomy if he was ‘unsure’ if he wanted more.

Maybe you weren’t listening to him? Maybe you wrote off his feelings as unsure or maybe he just knew it would hurt you and didn’t want this? Who knows…

But he probably thought that if he had a secret vasectomy and in the future you wanted more children, he could pretend to try for kids without the risk.

It’s a terrible feeling to be the person who doesn’t want more children. I don’t.

DH and I have 1 son and that’s enough for me. DH would love to have another, he can get so sad over it and mourn for the little girl he never had.

It’s difficult to say no, and I’ve in the past considered pretending to agree whilst going on the pill, just so I can say nature made the decision for us and it’s not my fault. I’ve stopped short of doing this as I recognise that it is wrong…but I’m sure many people out there do take precautions whilst pretending they are completely onboard with having more kids, just to try to make their partner happy.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 28/12/2021 13:19

@Magnited

I lost this thread at 'hubby'.
There's always one..Whoop Whoop ! It's you.
StFrancisdeCompostela · 28/12/2021 13:20

[quote Woodmarsh]@caringcarer he hasn't taken OPS choice away, having another child with him was never an option because he didn't want one.[/quote]
And what about OP’s choice to leave him because she decides she does want more children? What if she had eventually said ‘it’s really important to me to have another baby’ and he says he has had a vasectomy? He’s deprived her of years, potentially, in which she could have made the decision to leave and have a child with someone else if she had known.

Toomanyradishes · 28/12/2021 13:21

Its absolutely his body his choice, however by not telling his wife he had an impact on her body her choice through her carry on using contraceptive that can have an impact on her health when it was unnecessary. When women already go through so many risks with contraception, preganacy and childbirth, being able to avoid some of those risks, but not knowing about it is unforgivable. If his bodily autonomy impacts her bodily autonomy then a conversation should happen

PomegranateQueen · 28/12/2021 13:23

I can see why he didn't tell you.

You won't allow him to sleep in his own bed and seem to be under the impression that he must leave his own home....because you don't like a choice he made about his own body.

All this talk of the man's choice, what of the OPs? She doesn't owe him a relationship, she doesnt want to sleep with or live with a man who has had the snip, her choice. He made his choice and now has to live with the consequences.

And yes OP could leave, but there is something very wrong with a man who would sit tight and force a woman to either leave without her children or move the children out of thier home with her.

MilduraS · 28/12/2021 13:24

It's worrying that he didn't discuss it with you but (judging purely by your posts here) I can see why he didn't. It doesn't sound like you would have agreed to the vasectomy regardless of what he said. Why does your indecision about maybe having a baby trump his decision not to? You've acknowledged contraception isn't 100% effective yourself. Should he have to take the risk while you spend a few years deciding what you want?

Don't get me wrong, I think he's a spineless idiot for not telling you but I do believe in his right to make that decision. At the moment it sounds like you're in limbo. Do you really want him to leave? If so, stop faffing and start divorce proceedings. If you don't, then you need to work through it together with some counselling sooner rather than later. All this drama must make for a crap home life for your children.

CounsellorTroi · 28/12/2021 13:24

And what about OP’s choice to leave him because she decides she does want more children? What if she had eventually said ‘it’s really important to me to have another baby’ and he says he has had a vasectomy? He’s deprived her of years, potentially, in which she could have made the decision to leave and have a child with someone else if she had known.

But who would break up their existing children’s home and turn their lives upside down because of their own desire to have another child? How selfish would that be?

LostForIdeas · 28/12/2021 13:26

@Puzzledandpissedoff

He has not taken your choices away from you, he has taken responsibility for his own. That's what men are told to do on MN, if they don't want more children then have a vasectomy

Yes, that's exactly what's said all the time on here, but it's entertaining to watch things swing the other way when it somehow doesn't suit

But the issue isn’t that he decided to take his fertility in his own hands is it?

It’s the fact he did wo talking to his dw and after telling her he wasn’t sure if he wanted another child or not.
So basically he hides to her.

He lied by omission by nit telling her about the op.
He is lied when he said he wasn’t sure. He clearly WAS sure he didn’t another kid.
And he is lying now saying that ‘actually it doesn’t feel right’ and ‘it went all so fast’. That sort of procedure isn’t fast. The wife is usually asked to be there and give her consent. And it doesn’t feel any different once you’ve had the procedure.
I’d even say he is also probably lying about the ‘I want a reversal’ because he is now shitty himself the Op will divorce him because of that.

Blossomandbee · 28/12/2021 13:26

Sorry op but it doesn't just 'happen very quickly' on the basis of a phone call, you have to see a GP who does a referral, then there is a pre op that involves an examination, then the procedure itself. There is a wait for each step. Obviously if he paid for private it might be quicker but there would still be appointments to attend and letters which he must have hidden from you. Then there's the follow up appointment to check if it's been successful.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/12/2021 13:27

Please link to a thread where the consensus advice has been "man should get a vasectomy in secret." I'll wait

Interesting extra couple of words you tacked on there, CatJumperTwat
As I'm sure you're aware, I wasn't making an issue of men getting vasectomies "in secret"; instead I was highlighting the double standards around anyone being told what to do with their body

Nice try though Wink

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