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Original poster

Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭

590 replies

Berlyboo · 28/12/2021 11:44

I have children healthy and happy everything was going great perfect until I found out that my hubby had a vasectomy.... Its his body and his choice.... But he never discussed it with me.. I feel so angry and hurt by his choice. He wasn't 100% sure if he wanted more children and I wasn't sure if I wanted more children but he made up his own mind to have a vasectomy without speaking to me. . But since then I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore every time I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby.... We are both young and he took the choice away from us to have another baby he hurt me so much..... Anyways he is now sleeping on the couch the past three months I want him to leave and he won't I just can't forgive him for what he done it makes me sick everyday. He says it will take time for me to get my head around it but he wants to get it reversed as he doesn't feel good about himself any more? 😡 I want him out and I don't know if I'm just angry or what is happening with me but has anyone else gone through this and if they have does it get better?

OP posts:
LittleBoPeepHasLostHerShit · 28/12/2021 13:31

He's obviously been lying to you about the fact that he "wasn't sure" as well as lying about the op itself. You don't have an operation when your partner is already on long term contraception unless you want to make really damned sure. And reversals are not necessarily successful, so why take that risk? This amounts to a pretty big betrayal. What else is he not telling you?

Mamamamasaurus · 28/12/2021 13:31

What's the back story?

LolaSmiles · 28/12/2021 13:32

Please link to a thread where the consensus advice has been "man should get a vasectomy in secret." I'll wait.
Given that it's usually threads where an unplanned pregnancy or 'unplanned' pregnancy has happened and the woman who said to her partner she didn't want children wants a good old pile on about how awful her husband/partner is for expressing that he ideally wouldn't want to bring a/another child into the world because she's now changed her mind, your comment is disingenuous at best.

It's almost always: unplanned pregnancy, woman wants to continue, if man raises reservations then the MN cliche of 'no contraception is 100%... he should have had a vasectomy if he didn't want a pregnancy' kicks in. Heaven forbid a couple had both discussed not wanting a child and apparently made contraception plans to avoid a pregnancy.

I'm 100% woman's body = woman's choice when it comes to continuing with a pregnancy or not, but also 100% man's body = man's choice if he wants to make a decision to avoid an unplanned or unwanted pregnancy.

People can't have it both ways where a man is expected to abstain from any sex without a vasectomy for decades because no contraception is 100%, whilst then getting annoyed at a man taking control of his reproductive system.

JustLyra · 28/12/2021 13:32

@CounsellorTroi

And what about OP’s choice to leave him because she decides she does want more children? What if she had eventually said ‘it’s really important to me to have another baby’ and he says he has had a vasectomy? He’s deprived her of years, potentially, in which she could have made the decision to leave and have a child with someone else if she had known.

But who would break up their existing children’s home and turn their lives upside down because of their own desire to have another child? How selfish would that be?

Deciding on that balance should have been the OP’s choice.

Just because you think it would have been selfish doesn’t mean the OP’s husband was right to deny her the option to think about it and decide.

He had the right to make the choice for himself. Being sneaky and hiding it wasn’t right - he doesn’t have the right to make choices for another adult

CounsellorTroi · 28/12/2021 13:34

Did he ever mention the possibility of getting a vasectomy to you before he had it done?

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2021 13:35

@BlondeDogLady

OP, sorry but from the style of your posts you sound very hard to deal with - dramatic and demanding. You have children and he didn’t want more. His body his choice

Would any woman get sterilised in secret? Really?

It's a much more 'serious' op. She wouldn't be able to
Nanny0gg · 28/12/2021 13:36

@Blossomandbee

Sorry op but it doesn't just 'happen very quickly' on the basis of a phone call, you have to see a GP who does a referral, then there is a pre op that involves an examination, then the procedure itself. There is a wait for each step. Obviously if he paid for private it might be quicker but there would still be appointments to attend and letters which he must have hidden from you. Then there's the follow up appointment to check if it's been successful.
Can't get them at all on the NHS in our authority as far as I'm aware
Woodmarsh · 28/12/2021 13:37

@caringcarer @Stfrancisdecompostela OP can leave he hasn't taken that choice away, personally I think wanting another child would be a poor reason to break up the existing family

What I can't work out are the time scales of when this happened and how OP found out

ForagingForMullberries · 28/12/2021 13:38

YANBU to be upset that he didn't discuss it with you. I would be upset too. Though I don't think I'd end a marriage just because of that. Look at it this way, at least he was taking responsibility, too many men just leave it all to the woman to be pumped for of hormones or worse, have IUDs inserted in them. At least he is a bit of a feminist and was prepared to be responsible and step up to the plate and take responsibility. More men should have vasectomies, especially when their wives have taken the risk of pregnancy and childbirth and hormone pills and objects inserted into them for decades. It's the least men can do. If I were you, I'd be proud of him taking responsibility, you have a good one, too many men leave it all up to the woman.

Besides, these days you don't even need to have a surgery to reverse it, a needle can be used to withdraw sperm without even needing to reverse the vasectomy.

You already have children, happy and healthy, and to boot you have a man that takes responsibility for contraception. Imo it's win-win for you, and I would be proud to have a husband that was responsible and took the weight off you, after all this time.

StFrancisdeCompostela · 28/12/2021 13:39

@CounsellorTroi

And what about OP’s choice to leave him because she decides she does want more children? What if she had eventually said ‘it’s really important to me to have another baby’ and he says he has had a vasectomy? He’s deprived her of years, potentially, in which she could have made the decision to leave and have a child with someone else if she had known.

But who would break up their existing children’s home and turn their lives upside down because of their own desire to have another child? How selfish would that be?

There are threads on here virtually weekly where posters consider ending their relationships over the choice to have more children. It wouldn’t be my choice, but it’s still an option - one that OP was denied by the lies of her husband.
PickAChew · 28/12/2021 13:40

Did he have it done privately? Dh had his done years ago, before waiting lists were quite so bad and his wait was months.

I agree that it's his body and he doesn't need your permission but he was very wrong to keep it a secret.

KohlaParasaurus · 28/12/2021 13:40

YOUR contraceptive method and your use of it may be highly reliable, but maybe you are not the only woman your DH is at risk of getting pregnant. I would be furious in your position, OP, but also a little suspicious.

StFrancisdeCompostela · 28/12/2021 13:41

@Puzzledandpissedoff

Please link to a thread where the consensus advice has been "man should get a vasectomy in secret." I'll wait

Interesting extra couple of words you tacked on there, CatJumperTwat
As I'm sure you're aware, I wasn't making an issue of men getting vasectomies "in secret"; instead I was highlighting the double standards around anyone being told what to do with their body

Nice try though Wink

Do you really think the issue is that he had a vasectomy and not that he had a vasectomy and didn’t tell his partner, despite the fact that her life is directly impacted by his choice?

Why is that so incredibly difficult for you to understand? It has been expressed in plain, clear English. Most people would get it, unless they were deliberately trying not to…?

CounsellorTroi · 28/12/2021 13:41

Besides, these days you don't even need to have a surgery to reverse it, a needle can be used to withdraw sperm without even needing to reverse the vasectomy.

Then the woman has to undergo IVF for a chance of a pregnancy.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/12/2021 13:42

How many children have you and where they all planned together by both of you?

From the reference to "children" it seems there are at least two, but OP hasn't said anything about how they were planned

As a PP suggested, it would be interesting - though likely impossible - to know the full back story

JustLyra · 28/12/2021 13:42

[quote Woodmarsh]**@caringcarer* @Stfrancisdecompostela* OP can leave he hasn't taken that choice away, personally I think wanting another child would be a poor reason to break up the existing family

What I can't work out are the time scales of when this happened and how OP found out[/quote]
He was attempting to take that choice away though - he didn’t tell her at any point.

We were going out for dinner one night and he gave me his phone to get his covid cert ready to be scanned and underneath it was an email from the vasectomy clinic he had it done in...

She found out accidentally.

bg21 · 28/12/2021 13:42

@CorrBlimeyGG

He has not taken your choices away from you, he has taken responsibility for his own. That's what men are told to do on MN, if they don't want more children then have a vasectomy.
very true , men are not allowed to have choices only women are allowed lol
C8H10N4O2 · 28/12/2021 13:44

very true , men are not allowed to have choices only women are allowed lol

No. Both can decide if they want more children, neither should coerce the other.

However what you can't do if you want a successful relationship is lie to your partner and burn her fertile years by saying "yes I think I may" when you know you have secretly made it impossible.

That undermines the whole premise of an equal and trusting relationship.

Gemzee · 28/12/2021 13:45

@KohlaParasaurus

YOUR contraceptive method and your use of it may be highly reliable, but maybe you are not the only woman your DH is at risk of getting pregnant. I would be furious in your position, OP, but also a little suspicious.
This was my first thought to be honest.
StormzyinaTCup · 28/12/2021 13:46

I’m all for the his body his choice but the issue for me would be a lack of discussion around the issue and the key question is ‘how did you find out’?

I’d be very concerned if it had unintentionally come out.

If you had decided you wanted another baby would he have said ‘yes ok’ knowing full well he had had a vasectomy and it was never going to happen but was going to lead you a merry dance for the next five years or so. That would be quite devastating and a humongous betrayal that I certainly wouldn’t get over.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/12/2021 13:47

Do you really think the issue is that he had a vasectomy and not that he had a vasectomy and didn’t tell his partner, despite the fact that her life is directly impacted by his choice?

No, I don't think that at all; in fact I've answered this already and been clear that I agree the secrecy would be a major issue

However that's not the issue I was addressing, as reading what I actually wrote - as opposed to putting a chosen spin on it - would have made clear

BiscuitLover3678 · 28/12/2021 13:47

Of course it’s wrong! Imagine if you got your tubes tied and didn’t tell him. This is a BIG thing to discuss.

Iwonder08 · 28/12/2021 13:48

Vasectomy is not a walk in a park. I can't imagine him coming home after the procedure and not spending several days with ice packs moaning. Haven't you really noticed anything? I am sure there must be a reason why he decided to hide it from you. Have you always had an open and honest conversations about children with no drama?

mcmooberry · 28/12/2021 13:48

This is awful. Vasectomy reversals are expensive, it definitely won't be done on the NHS and may not be possible. Has he explained why he did it? Worried about the cost of further children etc?

Marvellousmadness · 28/12/2021 13:48

His body. His choice
If it was you that wanted no more kids and made decisions accordingly you should be able to do so too right?

Him not telling you was wrong
Him doing it wasn't.

He didn't take anything away from you hy having the vasectomy as he already made up his lmind that he didn't want any more kids

You are just angry as it is now definitely never gonna happen. Eventhough it wasn't ever gonna happen anymore before the vasectomy op. .