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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭

590 replies

Berlyboo · 28/12/2021 11:44

I have children healthy and happy everything was going great perfect until I found out that my hubby had a vasectomy.... Its his body and his choice.... But he never discussed it with me.. I feel so angry and hurt by his choice. He wasn't 100% sure if he wanted more children and I wasn't sure if I wanted more children but he made up his own mind to have a vasectomy without speaking to me. . But since then I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore every time I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby.... We are both young and he took the choice away from us to have another baby he hurt me so much..... Anyways he is now sleeping on the couch the past three months I want him to leave and he won't I just can't forgive him for what he done it makes me sick everyday. He says it will take time for me to get my head around it but he wants to get it reversed as he doesn't feel good about himself any more? 😡 I want him out and I don't know if I'm just angry or what is happening with me but has anyone else gone through this and if they have does it get better?

OP posts:
Hemingwayscatz · 28/12/2021 12:54

I think it’s frankly bizarre of any husband or wife to get sterilised without informing their spouse. It’s a pretty big deal and should definitely at least be discussed with your spouse first. Weird of him to do this, I can’t understand why he kept it secret.

RedPandaWanda · 28/12/2021 12:55

Of course it is his body and his choice but so many of you are missing the point that this man has willingly entered into a joint partnership with this woman so surely the op deserved to have been consulted on this as his actions do directly affect her and her future. How many of you stating that it’s his body, his choice would be pleased to find out afterwards that their partner had done this? Very few I imagine. AIBU is a very fickle place indeed!

Feelingoktoday · 28/12/2021 12:55

If I didn’t want kids I would go on the pill. I might mention it to my partner but ultimately my body and my choice.

madisonbridges · 28/12/2021 12:56

@PomegranateQueen

madisonbridges because why should OP and the DCs move out?
DCs don't have to move out. Just the op.
Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/12/2021 12:58

Fgs - his body his choice is not the point here!!

Admittedly I'm playing devil's advocate here, but isn't that said to be ALWAYS the point - or at least it is for women?

As said, I'd prefer a proper adult discussion so what he's done wouldn't suit me either, but then I don't try to have it both ways

Buildingthefuture · 28/12/2021 12:59

I would be very unhappy about that too op. It’s his decision of course, but a decision which affects both of you so it should be a discussion. In my experience, it’s very easy to get it done (or was pre-covid) but the clinic insisted on talking to me about it as well? Maybe because I was early 30s and had no kids (by choice) but they wouldn’t do it without talking to me?? Which now I think about it is a bit odd, it was more than 10 years ago though….

VanGoghsDog · 28/12/2021 12:59

@C8H10N4O2

He rang up about it and he said it all happened very quick when he was outside he had second thoughts but went ahead with it...

I'm amazed it could all be done so quickly, especially if on the NHS. DH had to attend at least one counseling type appointment then be referred and either wait for a few months on the NHS or pay and still wait four weeks (or sign a waiver that he had received the advice to wait first). Perhaps these days its much easier.

When did he tell you? Immediately afterward so you could at least remove the hormonal contraceptive or did you find out much later?

Yes, much easier. My ex phoned his GP, they referred him, the vasectomy clinic called and it was done about two weeks later. About five years ago.

I've never heard of anyone having to have a counselling session or sign a waiver (other than the usual "we might accidentally cut your testicles off, or give you a tonsillectomy but nothing is our fault" sort of thing).

Doesntfeellikexmas · 28/12/2021 12:59

I can see why he didn't tell you.

You won't allow him to sleep in his own bed and seem to be under the impression that he must leave his own home....because you don't like a choice he made about his own body.

But I will say I dou t it happened fast. Exh had one there's a good few weeks between seeing the doctor and the actual appointment.

caringcarer · 28/12/2021 13:00

What your h did was shocking. His choice not to have another child, but your choice about whether you want another child possibly with someone else. By not telling you he took your choice away from you. Telling his friends is what would send me over the edge. He showed you no respect. I would not be able to have sex with him again after betrayal. Therefore I would divorce him. He certainly have you valid grounds for divorce.

Original poster
Berlyboo · 28/12/2021 13:00

Honestly if he had of spoken to me about it I would have asked him to wait my contraception is in me for five years. I would never ever even think of getting it taking out without him knowing...... He wasn't sure if he wanted more children either was I so why should he gets the choice to take the choice away from us both in the future as we are safe for five years.... After five years we could have spoken about it and made a decision together...... My contraception can be reversed at anytime he has to get surgery to get it reversed

OP posts:
AndTime · 28/12/2021 13:01

How many children do you have OP and what ages are they?

I think it is so strange he didn't have a conversation with you about this. Absolutely his choice but to not even mention it is so bizarre!

Ionlydomassiveones · 28/12/2021 13:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Woodmarsh · 28/12/2021 13:02

@caringcarer he hasn't taken OPS choice away, having another child with him was never an option because he didn't want one.

Totalwasteofpaper · 28/12/2021 13:02

Yanbu

But since then I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore every time I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby

I don't think this is ultimately your problem.
Your problem is the lies betrayal and sneakiness.

You do not just disappear off for minor surgery and not mention it and it's not noticed unless you are willfully concealing something.
And the "something" he was concealing was meaningfully impacted on you.

While i agree a vasectomy is 100% his choice, he took away your choice to discuss it and your choice to decide to leave him through deception and lies.
That is not okay no matter what mumsnetters vote.

PaterPower · 28/12/2021 13:03

The one thing that REALLY pissed me off about getting the snip was the clinic’s requirement that my then wife see them too / had to agree to it.

I was not like the OP’s partner (she and I had discussed it before I booked my first appointment) but nevertheless, I can’t think of many other procedures which would (or should) require spousal consent - unless it’s an emergency and the person needing the treatment is unconscious etc.

withlotsoflove · 28/12/2021 13:04

I have a relative that had one. He did tell his partner, but…he was determined that he would do it regardless. Having grown up in a household where extra kids just kept appearing ( due to odd contraception excuses) be probably didn’t want that for himself!
I’ve seen it ( also) in couples where it appears the woman would like loads of kids and the man is done.
I’m sorry for you as a woman though op it can’t have been easy & it must have been a shock! 💐

Pollingbadly · 28/12/2021 13:04

That's a massive breach of trust on his part and very deceptive/controlling re the size of your family which should be a shared decision.

It shows a disrespect and lack of transparency to go about it like this, regardless of he technically had the right.

Decide what you need to hear and see if he's anywhere close to where you need him to be.

Gretaburley · 28/12/2021 13:05

His body, his choice is not clear cut here.
His choice has directly affected op's choice and if she hadn't found out she may never have known.
What would happen if op wanted another dc and he agreed and carried on lying?
How far would he let his dw go thinking they had fertility problems?

I couldn't forgive my dh if he had a vasectomy without at least telling me his intentions first.

C8H10N4O2 · 28/12/2021 13:07

I've never heard of anyone having to have a counselling session or sign a waiver (other than the usual "we might accidentally cut your testicles off, or give you a tonsillectomy but nothing is our fault" sort of thing)

It was about 20 years ago and I don't know anyone who hasn't had to have an appointment with the doctor to discuss it first - the pros/cons, details of the surgery etc, the advice that it should be considered irreversible as reversing a vasectomy is never guaranteed. Do men really just book in for vasectomies like a dental check these days without that advice and then receive them so quickly?

The waiver was only if he went privately where the surgery could be done very quickly, to say that he had received advice to take a few weeks to consider and declined it. It wasn't uncommon based on experience of other family members. On the NHS the wait was many months so that cooling off period was irrelevant.

rrhuth · 28/12/2021 13:08

I would mind it being a secret. I would respect my DH if he wanted to do it even if I was not sure because it is his body but I would not be able to deal with it being done in secret, and friends knowing but me not.

Similarly I would not lie to my DH about using the pill/implant, although it is 100% my choice.

BungleandGeorge · 28/12/2021 13:09

It’s his decision. Unfortunately for men it’s the only option if they want to be sure of really reliable contraception. I can understand the annoyance but your reaction is extreme. If I was him I’d presume you weren’t that interested in being with me as a person.

caringcarer · 28/12/2021 13:09

@woodmarsh, by concealing his vasectomy he made the decision not to have more children. By not telling OP he took the choice away from her whether to leave him to have another child with someone else because she only found put by chance she might need to do that. She may never have found out so he effectively took her choice away. Now she has found out how deceitful he is and how he disrespects her he is sleeping on sofa and op wants him to leave. No way to build a marriage.

PersonaNonGarter · 28/12/2021 13:10

I just can't forgive him we both were unsure of kids in the future but he made the choice for us and it's not nice we were so perfect and I just can't see us ever being that way again.... The sickening feeling everyday is horrible

FGS. You are deluded and dramatic. Calm down. Everything wasn’t ‘perfect’ - your DH literally couldn’t speak to you about what he wanted. And your response has shown he was right to be worried.

CatJumperTwat · 28/12/2021 13:10

@Puzzledandpissedoff

He has not taken your choices away from you, he has taken responsibility for his own. That's what men are told to do on MN, if they don't want more children then have a vasectomy

Yes, that's exactly what's said all the time on here, but it's entertaining to watch things swing the other way when it somehow doesn't suit

Please link to a thread where the consensus advice has been "man should get a vasectomy in secret." I'll wait.
JustLyra · 28/12/2021 13:10

Have you been discussing the possibility of more children since he did it?

If that’s the case and he kept hiding it thr marriage would be over for me.

It’s one thing to make a decision and keep it quiet, but if he has been actively discussing the possibility whilst knowing that he cannot have more children then that’s extremely deceptive and that’s a betrayal I couldn’t forgive.

Everyone is entitled to choose how many children they want, but a husband and wife are entitled to know if their spouse has actively decided to ensure they never can.
Talking about the possibility while knowing it’s impossible is nasty