Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭

[Berlyboo]

I have children healthy and happy everything was going great perfect until I found out that my hubby had a vasectomy.... Its his body and his choice.... But he never discussed it with me.. I feel so angry and hurt by his choice. He wasn't 100% sure if he wanted more children and I wasn't sure if I wanted more children but he made up his own mind to have a vasectomy without speaking to me. . But since then I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore every time I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby.... We are both young and he took the choice away from us to have another baby he hurt me so much..... Anyways he is now sleeping on the couch the past three months I want him to leave and he won't I just can't forgive him for what he done it makes me sick everyday. He says it will take time for me to get my head around it but he wants to get it reversed as he doesn't feel good about himself any more? 😡 I want him out and I don't know if I'm just angry or what is happening with me but has anyone else gone through this and if they have does it get better?

@JustLyra

We just see it very differently. Each of your points just screams coercion to me.

Whereas with my experience of it, it’s his behaviour that screams controlling and coercive.

I see it as her behaviour that is controlling and coercive

He clearly doesn’t want any more kids, so takes matters into his own hands ( as is his right, the wife cannot say NO to this, but yes this should have been discussed, that was a very wrong thing to do)

If he had asked the wife, she would have said wait, that’s controlling.

Now he is sleeping on the sofa and being pressured to get a reversal or get out, that’s coercive behaviour.

HE is the person who should be leaving, that much is clear, he should be leaving his controlling and coercive wife behind, a wife who cannot accept his decision.

A woman having an abortion or being sterilised is different as she is the one who has to either griw a baby or have an abortion, if she gets pregnant. The toll is physical as well as emotional and financial.

Ysbu, his body his choice, just like if you choose to be on the pill or the coil.

I wonder how differently this thread would have gone if the DH has got the vasectomy without getting the 'permission' of his wife first, but then told her immediately afterwards? Or even if he had told her in advance a few days before his op appointment, but refused to be manipulated into changing his mind?

I suspect most of the posters firmly in the OP's camp now would still be in the OP's camp. Even though it could not be argued that he was attempting to trick her and give her false hope, potentially for years, if she hadn't found out by accident.

In this case that is a valid argument of course, but I can't help feeling it's a bit of a red herring here.

I imagine the OP and her supporters would have been equally outraged at his audacity for taking control of his own fertility without giving her the final say on whether the door should be left open or not, regardless of how he'd approached it.

Even if he'd walked straight in from the clinic and told her the truth before the local anaesthetic had even worn off, I doubt she'd feel any differently, because her issue is he denied her the chance to try to change his mind.

@NdujaWannaDance

I wonder how differently this thread would have gone if the DH has got the vasectomy without getting the 'permission' of his wife first, but then told her immediately afterwards? Or even if he had told her in advance a few days before his op appointment, but refused to be manipulated into changing his mind?

I suspect most of the posters firmly in the OP's camp now would still be in the OP's camp. Even though it could not be argued that he was attempting to trick her and give her false hope, potentially for years, if she hadn't found out by accident.

In this case that is a valid argument of course, but I can't help feeling it's a bit of a red herring here.

I imagine the OP and her supporters would have been equally outraged at his audacity for taking control of his own fertility without giving her the final say on whether the door should be left open or not, regardless of how he'd approached it.

Even if he'd walked straight in from the clinic and told her the truth before the local anaesthetic had even worn off, I doubt she'd feel any differently, because her issue is he denied her the chance to try to change his mind.

I agree. There’s a poster who writes that women should get full bodily autonomy regarding contraception and conception because they carry the baby in pregnancy but men should have to consult and get permission for theirs.

OP this is not ok.
I would feel hurt, betrayed, emotional, doubting myself.
There may be reasons why he didn't tel you but you are. It responsible for how he handelled that and for what he's done and how he's gone about it.
YANBU!
Please get some couples counselling! Even if you split it will help you move forward ♥️
So sorry OP :(

A woman having an abortion or being sterilised is different as she is the one who has to either griw a baby or have an abortion, if she gets pregnant. The toll is physical as well as emotional and financial.

This. It’s not ever going to be an equal comparison until man can carry and birth babies.

He was within his rights to have a vasectomy. She’s within her rights to walk away (should that be her choice) if she wanted more children. He’s not right to hide it from her in a bid to have his choice but deprive her of the right to move on to have hers, should that be what she wants.

That’s also a good point. Saying that I can also see what Pky45 and NdujaWannaDance are saying. Her upset is warranted yet expecting someone to wait five years before feeling ready to make a decision about having another child is a long time.

If she thinks their relationship is salvageable, they should go to counselling but if she wants a divorce she should just get it over with because the current situation isn’t helping anyone especially their children.

Maybe in the five years’ time she can find someone else who would want to be a stepfather to three children and have a fourth with her.

I wouldn’t be bothered if my DH did that, but that is only because we are both very sure that we don’t want more children. If there was a question mark (and we were younger), I would feel upset and tricked as the OP does.

However, three children is a lot, so fair enough that one partner decides they don’t want any more. OP’s DH went about it in a bad way (he probably thought OP would try to stop him) but is it really worth destroying a marriage with three children over?

@NdujaWannaDance

I wonder how differently this thread would have gone if the DH has got the vasectomy without getting the 'permission' of his wife first, but then told her immediately afterwards? Or even if he had told her in advance a few days before his op appointment, but refused to be manipulated into changing his mind?

I suspect most of the posters firmly in the OP's camp now would still be in the OP's camp. Even though it could not be argued that he was attempting to trick her and give her false hope, potentially for years, if she hadn't found out by accident.

In this case that is a valid argument of course, but I can't help feeling it's a bit of a red herring here.

I imagine the OP and her supporters would have been equally outraged at his audacity for taking control of his own fertility without giving her the final say on whether the door should be left open or not, regardless of how he'd approached it.

Even if he'd walked straight in from the clinic and told her the truth before the local anaesthetic had even worn off, I doubt she'd feel any differently, because her issue is he denied her the chance to try to change his mind.

Can’t speak for anyone else, but for me that would make a huge difference.

It’s the secrecy and the fact that he has said he doesn’t know when he would have told her that’s the issue.

His body his choice. Im surprised he didnt tell you in advance.
We have all heard stories of women coming off birth control & not mentioning it- perhaps he was sure he didnt want more children & though you may stop birth control.
Either way it's done. Smaller families have affordability advantages & less divided time. there are some positives.

@NdujaWannaDance has nailed it - OP's angry because she didn't get a chance to change his mind.

He was wrong to do it in secret, but not "three months on a sofa" wrong. That's the bit that really strikes me. OP isn't even trying to move past it with counselling or tough cvonversation nor prepared to leave. She's just letting a toxic situation fester, to the detriment of the family.

He's had the vasectomy and he's apologised for the secrecy. OP, what do you actually want him to do? He very clearly does not want more children, and you just aren't listening.

We have all heard stories of women coming off birth control & not mentioning it- perhaps he was sure he didnt want more children & though you may stop birth control.

Yes, it does seem like he didn’t feel he could trust the OP not to engineer a pregnancy so decided to eliminate the risk altogether.

Three months on the sofa is abusive imho. Imagine if a poster said her husband was making her do that.

@Hont1986

Three months on the sofa is abusive imho. Imagine if a poster said her husband was making her do that.

OP has asked him to leave but he won't. They have an apartment as well as their house. He is choosing to stay on the sofa as I presume the apartment has a perfectly decent bed in it!

That's his home to. He doesn't have to leave because she says so.

If she wants to live separately then she needs to start the divorce and sort out living from there.