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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure anting Dh to go to New Years party

217 replies

winkyl · 28/12/2021 10:43

We hosted Xmas for PIL and SIL families. SIL left already bit PIL are leaving tomorrow. This morning Dh told me that he has been invited to a house party on New Year's Eve. I was thinking we would have relaxed home party as a family after hosting Xmas. AIBU want to him stay with us?

OP posts:
Exasperatedhousehunter · 31/12/2021 12:37

If the host is a former student of the DH, he may not even know the OP so wouldn’t necessarily be assuming anything wrt childcare. I also think academia is a bit different from other jobs too - it’s not like hanging with your colleagues from the office - people can form very close bonds. If I was having a party I’d probably say partners welcome but I wouldn’t specifically invite someone’s spouse if I didn’t know them. So I don’t think the host should be blamed.

It is shit of him to go off to a party and leave OP to babysit but I don’t think doing separate things on NYE is strange or a bad thing itself. Nor do I think that spouses need to be invited to everything either. I rarely hang out with the spouses of my friends and don’t like it that much when I do because it changes the dynamic. My friends feel the same and we tend to organise stuff without partners there.

newname12345 · 31/12/2021 12:42

@SpinsForGin We don't know what the host said (I assume there wasn't formal invites). Only the OP and her DH know if they could arrange childcare NYE - probably difficult as it appears none of their family live near by.

Restart10 · 31/12/2021 12:44

Yanbu op. I can't imagine why anyone would choose to be away from their family on nye. He has dc and can't just check out and behave like a single man. This would not be acceptable for me.

Justme10 · 31/12/2021 13:02

It doesn't really matter that OP wasn't invited because she wanted to stay in anyway. She's not staying home because she wasn't invited and he's going without her.

As I said upthread I don't think it's fair to make him stay home just because you want to. He can go out and you can go ahead with whatever your plans are with the kids. I imagine after all this it will be a tense atmosphere at home if he stays in now anyway.

Morgan12 · 31/12/2021 13:04

Is he going now?

SpinsForGin · 31/12/2021 13:21

[quote newname12345]@SpinsForGin We don't know what the host said (I assume there wasn't formal invites). Only the OP and her DH know if they could arrange childcare NYE - probably difficult as it appears none of their family live near by.[/quote]
Then her DH doesn't go. It's that simple.

Cherryblossoms85 · 31/12/2021 13:30

Sorry OP but I smell a large, female rat. My father was an academic too. He also had PhD students. He also had parties with PhDs which my mother wasn't invited to. He was shagging one of them and lied about it, for years and years, even after my mother left. He ended up with his student, and she confirmed our suspicions that they were already together when my mother left.
Not saying he's the same, but New Year's Eve was the same weird shit, the year before my mother left.

Original poster
winkyl · 31/12/2021 14:32

Omg the situation developed. Last night he went to late night show in the movies with his other colleague. I woke up at four and no sign of him. I tried to call him but his phone wasn't connecting. Texts seemed to get through but no answer. I went to bed and got up at seven after bad sleep. I was wondering what an earth to do because this was so out of character for him. I was wondering should I call the police because I was afraid he had been mugged. Anyway decided to have coffee first and then text came through that he had some drinks afterwards and missed the last bus. He slept on college's sofa. He came home soon after.

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 31/12/2021 14:37

Your update makes it even dodgier OP!

SpinsForGin · 31/12/2021 14:44

Sounds like there is something not right here.
So he didn't come home at all last night, didn't let you know and is still expecting to leave you to go to a party tonight?

I think you need to have a serious chat with him OP.

Original poster
winkyl · 31/12/2021 14:46

He said his phone doesn't work properly. I tried to call him again and it disconnected. Apparently there is a problem with updates. Who knows.

OP posts:
SpinsForGin · 31/12/2021 14:56

And he couldn't use his colleagues phone to let you know?
Has he even apologised?

NeedsCharging · 31/12/2021 14:56

I am so sorry OP but he is behaving and reading from "the script".

hivemindneeded · 31/12/2021 14:59

I would be pissed off. You work your socks off hosting his family, then as soon as you get a chance to celebrate alone together he pisses off to something you weren't even invited to? If he can get a second invite and organise a babysitter I'd have respect for him. Otherwise, he's using you and needs to know it.

Original poster
winkyl · 31/12/2021 15:02

He said he sent a text but later noticed that it hadn't sent.

I don't think he is cheating but you never know. He has been apologetic about last night and started to talk how we all travel to my home country in Easter.

OP posts:
Sidehustle99 · 31/12/2021 15:03

He's using his phone as a way to avoid you OP. Something is definitely going on. You don't deserve to be treated like this Thanks

NumberTheory · 31/12/2021 15:09

@winkyl

He said he sent a text but later noticed that it hadn't sent.

I don't think he is cheating but you never know. He has been apologetic about last night and started to talk how we all travel to my home country in Easter.

Is this to try and stop you going at half term on your own and leaving him to host his parents solo?
SpinsForGin · 31/12/2021 15:10

Is he still planning on going to the party tonight?

Original poster
winkyl · 31/12/2021 15:14

He is planning to go to the party tonight. Well next year after Xmas I will go to my home country and have a party with my friends there. He can stay here and cater his family. I was thinking flying home after Xmas when it came apparent that PIL will stay longer. Only the covid testing mess stopped me.

OP posts:
SpinsForGin · 31/12/2021 15:15

He is treating you terribly. You deserve better.

peboh · 31/12/2021 15:18

@winkyl

He is planning to go to the party tonight. Well next year after Xmas I will go to my home country and have a party with my friends there. He can stay here and cater his family. I was thinking flying home after Xmas when it came apparent that PIL will stay longer. Only the covid testing mess stopped me.
I'd be telling him to get fucked. He doesn't get to stay out all night without a word, and then swan off again tonight. He needs to sort his priorities.
HikingforScenery · 31/12/2021 15:21

He wants to leave his parents with you and go to a party by himself? Err, no. He can take them along?

PicaK · 31/12/2021 15:22

He has having an affair. Or treating you with total disdain.

HikingforScenery · 31/12/2021 15:24

Interesting that because he couldn’t attend the party, he’d to go out overnight. Confused

BarefootHippieChick · 31/12/2021 15:43

Dodgy as fuck. He could have got a taxi if he missed the bus.