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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"But we never confirmed" - - with voting option

228 replies

Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 05:30

I showed up at the house of a friend and she was clearly surprised to see me. We still had a visit-- coffee and food I brought. She seemed a little flustered at first and when I asked if everything was okay, she said, "Well I thought you weren't coming because we never confirmed".

I said, "Oh right but you invited me a while back and I said yes great, so..."

Her: "Right but that was a while back and we never confirmed".

We finally dropped it and had a nice visit but was left wondering whether I'd missed some convention.

YES: an invitation and acceptance made over a month in advance needs to be refreshed with a confirmation. Otherwise it expires.

NO: If some issues a specific invitation and you accept, it's reasonable to just stick the event in your diary and rely upon it.

OP posts:
ElftonWednesday · 28/12/2021 05:36

SIBU - she invited you and you said yes. I'd personally always text saying "just checking we are still on for (...)" a few days before whether I was host or guest. But the fundamental principle is that if you invite someone and they say yes, I'd expect them to turn up unless I heard otherwise, and as an invitee I'd expect the host to honour their invitation.

colourfulpuddles · 28/12/2021 05:36

Yes I think it would have been polite to just send a quick text saying “are we still on for the visit?” since it had been so long since you originally made the plan.

SuPerDoPer · 28/12/2021 05:38

I don't think it always needs confirming but some people don't manage their diary well and forget or double book things, or life gets in the way so unless it was an event like a wedding, birthday party etc I would usually send a quick text "are we still on for tomorrow? I'll bring the biscuits!" Or similar. It depends on your friend's personality and the type of relationship you have.

onedayoranother · 28/12/2021 05:41

I always double check. Just to remind them, and check I've got the time right etc. a month is a long time, it's a busy time of year and these things can slip. But if she was wondering herself whether it was still on why didn't she check with you? I think she just plain forgot.

Original poster
Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 05:41

Oh and full disclosure, I did text her before I set off driving. She lives in the countryside so that was about an hour before I arrived.

OP posts:
Gunpowder · 28/12/2021 05:42

I don’t think either of you were unreasonable. However always safest to reconfirm a week to a day before to check it’s still on so I’d do that next time.

Essexmate · 28/12/2021 05:42

If it was agreed a month or more ago, either me or the friend would just a message just double checking.

HomeTheatreSystem · 28/12/2021 05:43

I think that so many people these days have zero compunction about dropping out of pre agreed social engagements at the last minute, that it has become the norm to confirm a social engagement after the initial acceptance. Whether it's for the host or guest to reach out and confirm is moot.

Original poster
Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 05:45

But the invitation was for lunch around 12:30 on 27th at her place.

It was meant to be a small group but literally everyone else cancelled due to Covid.

OP posts:
TheHamburgler · 28/12/2021 05:49

I agree that neither are unreasonable, but I’d always confirm plans that were made more than a few days in advance. Not doing so, for plans made more than a month in advance, does seem unusual to me.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 28/12/2021 05:50

I think at the moment its normal to confirm plans the day before and indeed on the day as Covid makes last minutes cancellations a real possibility.

grapewine · 28/12/2021 05:53

Always confirm.

StayOrGoOrWhat · 28/12/2021 05:54

So was it agreed a month ago and then never again mentioned? Or was it discussed as the others dropped out? It was up to her to suggest cancelling if nobody else could make it.

tigger1001 · 28/12/2021 05:55

@Coffeetree

But the invitation was for lunch around 12:30 on 27th at her place.

It was meant to be a small group but literally everyone else cancelled due to Covid.

She maybe thought that since everyone else had to cancel that the lunch would be rearranged, rather than just the two of you.

Just sounds like a bit of miscommunication. Neither are being unreasonable but given that last minute cancellations are a real possibility right now I would confirm that the plans were still happening.

Holly60 · 28/12/2021 05:56

I can see both sides. You were not unreasonable at all but I can understand her assuming you weren’t coming if you hadn’t dropped a confirmation text a few days before (or even the day before) ‘are we still on for tomorrow?’ Type thing.

Having said that, she was also perfectly capable of texting you, so I vote YANBU.

canary1 · 28/12/2021 05:58

I think you are completely reasonable. I also just put plans in diary and follow that- it’s not difficult! The only spanner in the works I see is Covid, causing some changes to this sort of thing.
However I have a couple of friends who seem incapable of making a plan and sticking to it. One even asked me to remind her of a plan we had ( like I need to put that on my to do list!!) rather than remind herself.
I just can’t deal with people who don’t make and stick to thief own plans at this stage! My life is busy enough without assisting people who can’t keep a diary!
YANBU

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 28/12/2021 05:58

I'd always confirm, but I don't think it makes you unreasonable to have assumed the visit was going forward as planned.

PersonaNonGarter · 28/12/2021 05:58

YANBU - and if you texted in advance she was very rude making you feel uncomfortable.

WoodenReindeer · 28/12/2021 05:58

So plans were made a month ago and nothing mentioned since/in the last week? I wouldnt have expected you either without either of you confirming closer to the time!

TheWayTheLightFalls · 28/12/2021 05:59

SIBU - she invited you and you said yes. I'd personally always text saying "just checking we are still on for (...)" a few days before whether I was host or guest. But the fundamental principle is that if you invite someone and they say yes, I'd expect them to turn up unless I heard otherwise, and as an invitee I'd expect the host to honour their invitation.

This! Especially as you did text.

thepeopleversuswork · 28/12/2021 06:00

I would have checked, personally. If you had literally had no other conversation about it in that time period and under the circumstances around Omicron etc, these are not normal times.

I don’t think you were unreasonable but I can see why she was caught out.

Oblomov21 · 28/12/2021 06:08

I would of confirmed, a couple of days before, 'still ok for Wednesday'.

Original poster
Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 06:10

Even if she were surprised she didn't have to mention it. If I were in her shoes I'd have just played it off like I was happy to have it just the two of us. Tbh I felt awkward.

OP posts:
grapewine · 28/12/2021 06:11

@Coffeetree

Even if she were surprised she didn't have to mention it. If I were in her shoes I'd have just played it off like I was happy to have it just the two of us. Tbh I felt awkward.
Agree with this. It was not on to make you feel awkward.
NumberTheory · 28/12/2021 06:12

I wouldn't think the offer expires, but I can't imagine not mentioning an upcoming arrangement like that in the days and weeks before it happened. I think you were both a little unreasonable in that you both seem to have dropped the ball on general communication. But much more so her, as she extended the invitation and if she thought it odd it hadn't been confirmed she should have contacted you to check.