Page 9 | "But we never confirmed" - - with voting option

Coffeetree · 2021-12-28T05:30:04+00:00

I showed up at the house of a friend and she was clearly surprised to see me. We still had a visit-- coffee and food I brought. She seemed a little flustered at first and when I asked if everything was okay, she said, "Well I thought you weren't coming because we never confirmed". I said, "Oh right but you invited me a while back and I said yes great, so..." Her: "Right but that was a while back and we never confirmed". We finally dropped it and had a nice visit but was left wondering whether I'd missed some convention. YES: an invitation and acceptance made over a month in advance needs to be refreshed with a confirmation. Otherwise it expires. NO: If some issues a specific invitation and you accept, it's reasonable to just stick the event in your diary and rely upon it.

CrumpledCrumpet · 28/12/2021 11:02

Although I can understand that people might text before to confirm, as host you wouldn’t assume just because a guest hadn’t messaged in advance that they WEREN’T coming.

If host had sent a message to OP saying “can you still make it tomorrow?” and OP hadn’t replied that would be a different thing. but you if you offer to host a group of people you assume that everyone who initially confirmed is likely to be coming unless you hear otherwise. If none of your guests messaged before the event, you wouldn’t assume the event was cancelled would you? If you were at all uncertain you’d message and check.

MrsFezziwig · 28/12/2021 11:07

She was in the wrong. If everyone else was cancelling, it was obviously a firm date otherwise what would there have been to cancel? And because people were cancelling, how could the date have slipped her mind?

The most charitable explanation is that she thought you wouldn’t want to come if everyone else had cancelled, but in that case she should have contacted you to cancel.

LindaEllen · 28/12/2021 11:10

I'd always confirm. Sometimes I've made social arrangements in the past and expected people to turn up and they said oh you didn't say anything else about it so we assumed it was cancelled. What? My last message to you was 'Awesome see on you the 12th at 4pm!' so I don't see how there's any room for confusion! So yeah I always check now.

helpmepickwhere · 28/12/2021 11:15

I always confirm and in this situation (you’ve never hung out alone, lots of people dropped out, no communication about it for a month) I’d have assumed you weren’t coming

Ragruggers · 28/12/2021 11:30

You were polite she forgot.Maybe others cancelling and you not knowing her well .If someone turned up to my house I would admit sorry I completely forgot you were coming but that’s fine lovely to see you let’s put the kettle on and make a snack.Everyone is different,happy new year.

Crunchymum · 28/12/2021 11:34

One of us would have checked.

If I was the invitee and my friend hadn't messaged the day before to confirm, I'd have messaged to check it was still on.

A lot can happen in a month!!

5thHelena · 28/12/2021 11:39

I had a similar experience. Had arranged to meet a friend for coffee..texted the day before saying looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.. and she replied oh sorry I've made other arrangements now as you never confirmed! I looked through the previous texts and at no point was a confirmation mentioned or anything remotely similar. We arranged it, I put it in my diary..done deal as far as I'm concerned! It really threw me..

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 28/12/2021 11:52

@5thHelena

I had a similar experience. Had arranged to meet a friend for coffee..texted the day before saying looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.. and she replied oh sorry I've made other arrangements now as you never confirmed! I looked through the previous texts and at no point was a confirmation mentioned or anything remotely similar. We arranged it, I put it in my diary..done deal as far as I'm concerned! It really threw me..

This stuff drives me mad. I now specifically ask people, "Do we need to confirm nearer the date, or is this definite?".

ThanksItHasPockets · 28/12/2021 13:12

@Coffeetree

Well looking back over my texts it was 16th Nov. May it please the court.

And you’ve had no further discussion of the event since this date? Things felt very different six weeks ago. Sorry OP, your friend was remiss in not contacting you but I think you should have touched base to confirm a day or two in advance. It doesn’t have to sound like you’re angling for a cancellation, just a simple ‘looking forward to seeing you / what time do you want us / what can we bring?’

Original poster

Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 13:35

So... Why would I ask "what time do you want me" if I'd already accepted an invitation for a specific time? Why would I ask what to bring, she was hosting so I brought a gift of cakes.

OP posts:

canary1 · 28/12/2021 13:37

I totally agree with you OP. Why the need to keep confirming things, even once, if the arrangements have been made? It drives me mad! I have no interest now in making plans with people who cannot be bothered to keep them!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/12/2021 13:40

I would usually confirm just before hand.

However, I wouldn’t say it’s a necessity. I think the default is you stick to the plan if nothing’s been said.

icedcoffees · 28/12/2021 13:54

@LostForIdeas

I would always double check with an invite made more than a week ago.

I only do that with people who are flaky and cancel at the last minute (or a good friend of mine who has a chronic illness and often doesn’t know until the morning if she will be able to get out of the house).

If someone felt they had to check with me every time if we are still meeting up, I’d think they saw me as unreliable tbh.

Well, luckily my friends don't take it personally when I double check.

For me, it's mainly because we're rural and I don't want the hassle of driving 20-30 minutes only to find the other person has forgotten.

CrumpledCrumpet · 28/12/2021 14:03

While I think the host was completely wrong to try to shift he blame to the OP, I think I would have messaged to confirm if I had heard nothing for 6 weeks before driving for an hour, particularly in the current circumstances.

user1496146479 · 28/12/2021 14:15

@gentlerainonthewindow

given it was a month ago you should have phoned the day before to confirm out of courtesy. In this pandemic things change rapidly.

No. The host should have. As far as OP was concerned the plan was agreed unless she heard otherwise

ThanksItHasPockets · 28/12/2021 14:30

@Coffeetree

So... Why would I ask "what time do you want me" if I'd already accepted an invitation for a specific time? Why would I ask what to bring, she was hosting so I brought a gift of cakes.

Because these are polite ways of confirming / reminding the other party without giving the impression that you want to back out. You can simply say ‘Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow’ if the niceties are too much for you.

autieok · 28/12/2021 14:33

@Russelhobskettle

Some people do this and I don't get it. It's in the diary, I'll turn up, no need to re-confirm an arrangement already made. Got really pissed off at a friend before Xmas. We had arranged to meet, date and time agreed. There I was waiting for her - in an area with poor phone signal - she didn't turn up. I found a signal, then saw some missed calls from her. Rang and she was still at home, she'd rung me earlier to confirm that we were still meeting up... and because I didn't reply just not left the house. By the time she rang I would have been en route anyway.

I agree - we are all adults right?? People are capable of arranging things and sticking to it otherwise how does everyone get on at work?

HermioneAndRoger · 28/12/2021 14:38

16th November was eleven days before the first Omicron case was confirmed in the UK. Amongst my friends and family at least, people’s approach to socialising has changed hugely in the six weeks since then. I’d have had some sort of contact with the friend about plans since then even in normal times, and it’s clear that the friend is at fault here, but I would absolutely not assume that six-week-old plans would automatically stand at the moment.

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 28/12/2021 14:39

The person who feels plans need confirming is the person who needs to confirm or deconfirm plans. She could easily have sent "everyone has cancelled so we're gonna rearrange lunch for another time" or "are you still planning on coming for lunch?"

BarkminsterBlue · 28/12/2021 14:51

@Coffeetree

So... Why would I ask "what time do you want me" if I'd already accepted an invitation for a specific time? Why would I ask what to bring, she was hosting so I brought a gift of cakes.

You are very literal, OP. The Dutch side of my family think like you. It takes a little getting used to on both sides.

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 28/12/2021 14:52

@HermioneAndRoger

16th November was eleven days before the first Omicron case was confirmed in the UK. Amongst my friends and family at least, people’s approach to socialising has changed hugely in the six weeks since then. I’d have had some sort of contact with the friend about plans since then even in normal times, and it’s clear that the friend is at fault here, but I would absolutely not assume that six-week-old plans would automatically stand at the moment.

It's for the person who issued the invitations to make contact about that, not the potential guests.

HermioneAndRoger · 28/12/2021 14:58

@GoodPrincessWenceslas Agreed, which is why I said the hosting friend is at fault. Nevertheless a lot of us are saying that we would have made some kind of contact about the plans nearer the event and this would have averted OP’s awkward experience.

BruceAndNosh · 28/12/2021 15:02

Host was in the wrong, she's just too embarrassed to admit that she forgot she had invited you

icedcoffees · 28/12/2021 15:03

@CrumpledCrumpet

While I think the host was completely wrong to try to shift he blame to the OP, I think I would have messaged to confirm if I had heard nothing for 6 weeks before driving for an hour, particularly in the current circumstances.

Exactly this.

It just makes sense to me to double check, especially if you're travelling for an hour to get to your destination.

Doomscrolling · 28/12/2021 16:49

She'd clearly forgotten and was wrong-footed. With everyone else cancelling she obviously wrote it off in her mind as the two of you don't socialise one-to-one by the sounds of things.

She was technically in the wrong, but I definitely would have checked with her before coming under the circumstances. She might not have wanted people in her house with the current variant, or any of her household could be infectious. These are not the usual circumstances and we've all (well, most of us) been doing a lot more checking than before that plans are going ahead.