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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"But we never confirmed" - - with voting option

228 replies

Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 05:30

I showed up at the house of a friend and she was clearly surprised to see me. We still had a visit-- coffee and food I brought. She seemed a little flustered at first and when I asked if everything was okay, she said, "Well I thought you weren't coming because we never confirmed".

I said, "Oh right but you invited me a while back and I said yes great, so..."

Her: "Right but that was a while back and we never confirmed".

We finally dropped it and had a nice visit but was left wondering whether I'd missed some convention.

YES: an invitation and acceptance made over a month in advance needs to be refreshed with a confirmation. Otherwise it expires.

NO: If some issues a specific invitation and you accept, it's reasonable to just stick the event in your diary and rely upon it.

OP posts:
TheresACrackInEverything · 28/12/2021 06:20

The way things are these days, I can't imagine there not being a 'are we still on for' text. If she hadn't sent one, I'd had checked, so YAB a bit U to have just shown up. But she is being plain rude! In her mind, the lunch was on and is now off, so she should have contacted to and told you that.

Original poster
Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 06:24

Yes I felt a little last-minute doubt, hence my texting as I set off driving.

When I arrived she said she'd just finished a quick tidy-up because she wasn't expecting anyone.

OP posts:
WoodenReindeer · 28/12/2021 06:30

Texting an hour before/ in your way is far too late! At the latest you needed to teh day before. Many people don't see their texts every hour and even if they had if you'd already left they can hardly say no!

ThatsMySantaHisBeardIsSoFluffy · 28/12/2021 06:31

@ElftonWednesday

SIBU - she invited you and you said yes. I'd personally always text saying "just checking we are still on for (...)" a few days before whether I was host or guest. But the fundamental principle is that if you invite someone and they say yes, I'd expect them to turn up unless I heard otherwise, and as an invitee I'd expect the host to honour their invitation.
Exactly this.
colourfulpuddles · 28/12/2021 06:31

@Coffeetree

Oh and full disclosure, I did text her before I set off driving. She lives in the countryside so that was about an hour before I arrived.
When you set off/an hour before is not enough notice.
Original poster
Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 06:31

Why would she "say no"? She invited me and I said yes.

OP posts:
BinChicken3 · 28/12/2021 06:34

If I’d arranged something a month ago with a friend I’d absolutely be re-confirming it a day or so before we met. It’s too easy to forget, or in covid times find out it can’t go ahead anyway.

Original poster
Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 06:36

Again full disclosure, I'm not British so it could be a cultural difference. Firstly with my assuming that the event was still happening because she hadn't cancelled, and secondly for feeling it was not on for her to mention more than once that she was surprised to see me and to have "just one" person over. In her shoes I'd just lie before I made a guest feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
kickupafuss · 28/12/2021 06:43

This happened to me recently but I was hosting. Sent a text to confirm a long standing invitation a couple of days before the event and friends said they were doing something else. It was a birthday meal for DP and I knew he’d have been disappointed so I had to rearrange the time to accommodate them. If I hadn’t texted to confirm they just wouldn’t have shown up.

Original poster
Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 06:46

That's dreadful @kickupafuss

OP posts:
SpiderFluff · 28/12/2021 06:53

She shouldn't have said anything. You did nothing wrong. These days I usually check first thing in the morning just in case they have covid but that's just me

StFrancisdeCompostela · 28/12/2021 06:56

I don’t think a confirmation is always necessary but I think since it had been a whole month I would have dropped a quick text a couple of days before just to check it was still ok. I don’t think you’ve been unreasonable though, it’s just one of those things where you have slightly different expectations about communication.

autieok · 28/12/2021 06:56

@Coffeetree

Even if she were surprised she didn't have to mention it. If I were in her shoes I'd have just played it off like I was happy to have it just the two of us. Tbh I felt awkward.
I would assume it was going ahead unless told otherwise! If we literally hadn't spoken since it was arranged I would perhaps text and double check that day or maybe day before. But if she wasn't planning to go ahead then she needed to let you know. And I totally agree she didn't have to say anything you could have just enjoyed the visit. Why would she want to make you feel uncomfortable or uninvited?
PurplePizzaCake · 28/12/2021 06:58

I think you are both being a bit unreasonable. I would definitely expect one of you to text to confirm timings and if there's anything you could bring etc. If I were her I would have sent a text a few days before saying others have dropped out so shall we rearrange or just hang out the two of us? And if I were you I would message a couple of days before saying Merry Christmas, are we still on for 27th, is 12.30 still OK and is there anything in particular that I can bring? Happy to meet for a walk/coffee or it's just going to be the 2 of us now?

autieok · 28/12/2021 06:59

@kickupafuss

This happened to me recently but I was hosting. Sent a text to confirm a long standing invitation a couple of days before the event and friends said they were doing something else. It was a birthday meal for DP and I knew he’d have been disappointed so I had to rearrange the time to accommodate them. If I hadn’t texted to confirm they just wouldn’t have shown up.
That is also really rude. I don't understand some people. Just put things in your phone!!
lebkuchenforxmas · 28/12/2021 07:04

You said it was a group thing and that everyone else had cancelled due to Covid. Did you know that everyone else had cancelled or was that a surprise to you when you arrived?
I'm very much of the opinion that, once I have made an arrangement, that is in my diary and I make other plans fit around that. Several of my friends are the same and express surprise if I re-confirm something but others see it as something to be considered and finally decided upon nearer the time, particularly since having children. Covid has added a whole extra element to this and so I do always double check and confirm the current Covid status. For example, months ago when DD had Covid, some friends were still happy to see me but others weren't.

TeachesOfPeaches · 28/12/2021 07:06

The problem with reconfirming plans is that someone will always use it as an opportunity to cancel/reschedule etc. better to put it in the diary and turn up at the agreed time.

skodadoda · 28/12/2021 07:07

@WoodenReindeer

Texting an hour before/ in your way is far too late! At the latest you needed to teh day before. Many people don't see their texts every hour and even if they had if you'd already left they can hardly say no!
If they were going to tell OP not to come she should have had the decency to tell her in good time. The date was arraigned; how often someone looks at their texts is irritating. Like others here, I am appalled at how people so easily pull out of their commitments for no good reason.
TheAntiGardener · 28/12/2021 07:10

Surely if you assume anything , you assume the arrangement is going ahead?

I think checking is prudent as people may forget. I also like to offer friends a get-out - all of mine are polite and wouldn’t pull out last minute so I think it’s reasonable to give an opportunity to say that actually it no longer suits if arranged it a while ago. But the assumption would be that it’s happening unless someone communicates to the contrary.

Original poster
Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 07:10

I knew of one cancellation, but I didn't realise until I showed up that everyone else had cancelled.

OP posts:
appleturnovers · 28/12/2021 07:14

@Coffeetree

Even if she were surprised she didn't have to mention it. If I were in her shoes I'd have just played it off like I was happy to have it just the two of us. Tbh I felt awkward.
Yes, totally agree.

She'd obviously forgotten, which is a bit embarrassing for her but perfectly forgiveable, but she handled it awkwardly.

I always text to double-check a couple of days in advance because some people are forgetful, but yanbu to assume it was still on.

appleturnovers · 28/12/2021 07:14

@Coffeetree

Even if she were surprised she didn't have to mention it. If I were in her shoes I'd have just played it off like I was happy to have it just the two of us. Tbh I felt awkward.
Yes, totally agree.

She'd obviously forgotten, which is a bit embarrassing for her but perfectly forgiveable, but she handled it awkwardly.

I always text to double-check a couple of days in advance because some people are forgetful, but yanbu to assume it was still on.

Original poster
Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 07:16

The funny thing is that she and I have never actually hung out just the two of us. We're part of the same friendship group and have friends in common, hence my being one of the people invited to the lunch. I think she forgot she invited me! Grin

OP posts:
SpiderFluff · 28/12/2021 07:17

Did you have a nice time once the awkwardness was over?

Original poster
Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 07:20

Yeah though there was some lingering awkwardness. I left as soon as I reasonably could.

OP posts: