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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"But we never confirmed" - - with voting option

228 replies

Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 05:30

I showed up at the house of a friend and she was clearly surprised to see me. We still had a visit-- coffee and food I brought. She seemed a little flustered at first and when I asked if everything was okay, she said, "Well I thought you weren't coming because we never confirmed".

I said, "Oh right but you invited me a while back and I said yes great, so..."

Her: "Right but that was a while back and we never confirmed".

We finally dropped it and had a nice visit but was left wondering whether I'd missed some convention.

YES: an invitation and acceptance made over a month in advance needs to be refreshed with a confirmation. Otherwise it expires.

NO: If some issues a specific invitation and you accept, it's reasonable to just stick the event in your diary and rely upon it.

OP posts:
WaltzingBetty · 28/12/2021 07:22

@WoodenReindeer

Texting an hour before/ in your way is far too late! At the latest you needed to teh day before. Many people don't see their texts every hour and even if they had if you'd already left they can hardly say no!
Why should she say no to an event that she's arranged - surely if the lunch is no longer on the onus is on the host to cancel more than an hour in advance?
ViceLikeBlip · 28/12/2021 07:22

@Coffeetree

Again full disclosure, I'm not British so it could be a cultural difference. Firstly with my assuming that the event was still happening because she hadn't cancelled, and secondly for feeling it was not on for her to mention more than once that she was surprised to see me and to have "just one" person over. In her shoes I'd just lie before I made a guest feel uncomfortable.
I'm British, and I'm with you. It's not at all unheard of for me to forget plans I've made, but I would never make my guest feel uncomfortable about it! If I didn't have any nice food in, I might go as far as "I'm really sorry, I only just remembered you were coming this morning, so I haven't had a chance to get much in for lunch".

You definitely weren't in the wrong to turn up for a lunch that you had been specifically invited to!

EarringsandLipstick · 28/12/2021 07:22

@Coffeetree

The funny thing is that she and I have never actually hung out just the two of us. We're part of the same friendship group and have friends in common, hence my being one of the people invited to the lunch. I think she forgot she invited me! Grin
Then yes, even more reason to confirm.

A long-standing arrangement, I would confirm, on both sides (host/attendee). It's not that I'd forget, but as a social convention I'd always text a few days ahead to say 'does this still suit?'

KissedintheDark · 28/12/2021 07:23

When she knew everyone else had cancelled she should have contacted
you to let you know the situation and any change of plan.
The onus was purely on the hostess to update you - it's all part of her hostessing duties.

I'm with you, op, she was rude to you and showed herself to be a poor hostess.

Justleaveitblankthen · 28/12/2021 07:24

I would have texted her just before Xmas to wish her all the best and "All ok for the 27th?"
Just before you start driving is far too late!
At the same time, she should have let you know that most people had cancelled.
How were you supposed to know that?!
60-40 in your favour here.

ItoldyouIwastrouble · 28/12/2021 07:25

Yes, it may have been a good idea to text to confirm but if something is agreed with no further texts then the default is its happening. Using 'but we didn't confirm' as a way to make you feel like you are in the wrong is nonsense, it was agreed, it was not cancelled, the next step isn't confirm or its not happening! I think she was extremely rude.

Haus1234 · 28/12/2021 07:25

She was rude to make you feel awkward but I would always check the day before!

Tbf the fact that you don’t hang out one on one means I’m not surprised she felt awkward - but it’s on her for not cancelling.

YoBeaches · 28/12/2021 07:26

I think given she tidied the house when she got your text an hour before rather than call you and say 'gosh I'm so sorry OP everyone else has cancelled so I'm going to reschedule, apols for late change of plan..."... then she knew she should have contacted you way before the day and hadn't.

I think she may have forgotten she invited you, or been so mithered with other things it slipped her mind and she didn't want to turn you away once you had set off.

But deff these days, if not always, double check a few days before. People can be very flakey and you had a 2 hour round trip.

Hesma · 28/12/2021 07:29

I’m 50:50 on this one. Just remember to confirm with her in future but it sounds like you had a nice time which is the important thing.

Original poster
Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 07:31

The funny thing is that we did exchange texts at Christmas to say Merry Christmas!

I agree with the above poster who said that the problem with "confirming" plans which are already firm is that it can create uncertainty. To me it can even come across as saying you don't really want to follow through. Though I suppose it's all in the phrasing.

OP posts:
UserError012345 · 28/12/2021 07:32

Yeah I'd have checked. Just so If it was cancelled / no longer convenient, I could stay at home in my pjs eating chocolate and being lazy and get some chores done.

Haus1234 · 28/12/2021 07:33

@Coffeetree

The funny thing is that we did exchange texts at Christmas to say Merry Christmas!

I agree with the above poster who said that the problem with "confirming" plans which are already firm is that it can create uncertainty. To me it can even come across as saying you don't really want to follow through. Though I suppose it's all in the phrasing.

I would phrase it as “are we on for tomorrow and do you want me to bring anything in particular?” - then no uncertainty I don’t think!
fizzandchips · 28/12/2021 07:34

I’m 50.
Pre mobile phone we used to make arrangements and stick to them even if that arrangement was made 6 months in advance. I was having this conversation with my children only the other day. If I made an arrangement to meet at friend for lunch on 27th Dec at 12.30 then I wouldn’t expect to have to confirm/check nearer the time. But it seems my children are still confirming checking minutes before. It drives me mad as I assume unless someone cancels it is going ahead otherwise it’s just so much mental load to continually have to check. For years I’d meet school fiends in a specific pub at home every Christmas Eve - sometimes we had absolutely no communication from year to the next, but we all still turned up - at this point I think my teenagers thought I had lost the plot as it “wasn’t possible?”.
So I don’t think YABU, but perhaps it’s my age!

ToykotoLosAngeles · 28/12/2021 07:35

I think you're right that she forgot she invited you and assumed all guests had cancelled! Not on to make you feel awkward but I would have texted Boxing Day. Any plans I made for after Christmas were tentative in case of restrictions.

SpiderFluff · 28/12/2021 07:41

@fizzandchips mobile phones have a lot to answer for!

Original poster
Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 07:45

See if I were hosting a meal and people had RSVPed, I'd be surprised to receive "Are we still on?" messages the day before. Like, I didn't cancel, I'm here preparing food, of course we're "still on". I'd think they were looking for excuse to pull out.

OP posts:
UpDownRound · 28/12/2021 07:45

How old are you OP? I'm 30s and think it's normal to confirm, even though once I've accepted an offer I'd not make other plans. My mum once planned a family party and told people about it perhaps 5 months before, very much in passing. She then didn't mention it again until a couple of days off and was surprised that people didn't realise it was on. I think the way she did the inviting (spoken, so far in advance) meant people didn't take as much notice and perhaps thought she'd changed her mind when it wasn't mentioned again, but she very much thought because she'd talked about it once it was a done deal.

Changechangychange · 28/12/2021 07:45

@Coffeetree

But the invitation was for lunch around 12:30 on 27th at her place.

It was meant to be a small group but literally everyone else cancelled due to Covid.

That changes things for me. If literally everybody else cancelled, and she heard nothing from you, she probably thought you weren’t coming either.

If I knew it was just me and the host, when the original arrangement was a big group of us, I’d have texted to check things were still going ahead as well.

To be fair, she should have texted if you didn’t, so you are both in the wrong, but I can see why she thought it wasn’t going ahead.

Original poster
Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 07:47

I didn't know about all the cancellations until I arrived. Most told her, not me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 07:51

Lol, I'm 51. I disagree about the mobile phones. Flakes are gonna flake. In the 90s I can remember plenty of times that someone would just not show up and then say something like, "Well it was raining so I assumed the plans [to meet in an indoor cafe] were cancelled." lol

OP posts:
Changechangychange · 28/12/2021 07:51

@Coffeetree

I didn't know about all the cancellations until I arrived. Most told her, not me.
She should definitely have texted you herself then!
ChrimboGateauxCatto · 28/12/2021 07:52

Yep I would have confirmed all the plan at the latest the evening before. I know enough people that wouldn't check their phones often enough to see the hour before 'I'm leaving' text. Also writing this I'm realising that anyone I would be visiting with i would have frequent text convos with anyhow.

FallingStar21 · 28/12/2021 07:56

You have done nothing wrong, she is the unreasonable one for making you feel bad.
She invited, you accepted. If everyone else canceled but you didn't, she should have assumed you were coming.
If she needed a second confirmation (?) then she should have texted/called you to check. Sounds bonkers to assume you were not coming, after you had said "Yes" and didn't cancel.

appleturnovers · 28/12/2021 08:02

How embarrassing for her - she definitely forgot she'd invited you, which is presumably why she didn't message you to call it off because everyone else had cancelled. Her embarrassment though, not yours.

I would say though that if people text to confirm, it's a bit harsh to just assume they're trying to get out of it!! Surely if they were that desperate to get out of it they'd make up an excuse and tell you they couldn't come? Most of the time when people confirm, it's because they know some people are forgetful and they want to avoid an awkward situation like the one you've just had!

phishy · 28/12/2021 08:04

YANBU, OP. The onus is totally on the host to keep guests informed and re-confirm. So this woman should have contacted you when people started declining to say she will cancel.

As a guest I do check beforehand, but I don’t think it’s right that people are making it your responsibility.

Also, she had a warning you were on your way, she could have called you to cancel and at at the very least she shouldn’t have looked surprised when you arrived.