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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"But we never confirmed" - - with voting option

228 replies

Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 05:30

I showed up at the house of a friend and she was clearly surprised to see me. We still had a visit-- coffee and food I brought. She seemed a little flustered at first and when I asked if everything was okay, she said, "Well I thought you weren't coming because we never confirmed".

I said, "Oh right but you invited me a while back and I said yes great, so..."

Her: "Right but that was a while back and we never confirmed".

We finally dropped it and had a nice visit but was left wondering whether I'd missed some convention.

YES: an invitation and acceptance made over a month in advance needs to be refreshed with a confirmation. Otherwise it expires.

NO: If some issues a specific invitation and you accept, it's reasonable to just stick the event in your diary and rely upon it.

OP posts:
borntobequiet · 28/12/2021 08:06

If everyone else had cancelled, and she was therefore cancelling, she should have told you.

CheshireKitten123 · 28/12/2021 08:07

@Coffeetree

Oh and full disclosure, I did text her before I set off driving. She lives in the countryside so that was about an hour before I arrived.
And what was her response?
Original poster
Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 08:09

No response to text.

OP posts:
SheWoreYellow · 28/12/2021 08:10

How long ago were the plans made?

I wonder if she didn’t see the text.

Sounds like her mess up though.

phishy · 28/12/2021 08:11

@SheWoreYellow it’s in the OP - 1 month ago

dudsville · 28/12/2021 08:12

Ah, the "reconfirm", it's an odd little dance.

Person 1: "Would you like to do x?"

Person A "That sounds lovely, yes thank you!"

Later on nearer the time, Person 1 or A must ask "Would you still like to do x?"

The original question and acceptance is more like an agreed "save the day date".

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 28/12/2021 08:12

@UpDownRound

How old are you OP? I'm 30s and think it's normal to confirm, even though once I've accepted an offer I'd not make other plans. My mum once planned a family party and told people about it perhaps 5 months before, very much in passing. She then didn't mention it again until a couple of days off and was surprised that people didn't realise it was on. I think the way she did the inviting (spoken, so far in advance) meant people didn't take as much notice and perhaps thought she'd changed her mind when it wasn't mentioned again, but she very much thought because she'd talked about it once it was a done deal.
I'm early 50s and agree this is a generational thing. When I grew up, you had to ring someone on a landline or write to them, to invite them. You didn't want the faff of doing that twice, so - once made - arrangements were on, unless cancelled. Now, it's the norm to confirm. In fact, I'm surprised that friends planning a group catch-up didn't have a WA chat going about it.

I agree with the OP that plenty of people were flakes, even back in the 90s, but the non-flakes assumed that an arrangement was a commitment, unless specifically cancelled.

Having said that, it's the hostess who's in the wrong here, not the OP.

Lairymary · 28/12/2021 08:12

Always check in a couple of day before. Mainly to confirm to them that you hadn't forgotten and to see if there is anything you can bring!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/12/2021 08:12

You were not unreasonable to go, but I definitely would have texted (maybe to say "can I bring anything" but really to confirm she hadn't forgotten).

I would especially do this if the plan was for a group, and most had dropped out.

Lairymary · 28/12/2021 08:14

Having said that, if I was the host and hadn't heard anything I would have contacted you if I hadn't heard to check if you were still coming..... you both sound like shit communicators. Both at fault for this one.

Woeismethischristmas · 28/12/2021 08:15

I went to uni in the Netherlands and the culture there is you make plans you turn up. An hour, a day, a week , a month later, no confirmation needed. In the uk I’d confirm a day or two before. Even just a can I bring anything. Annoys me that I have to though.

Scarydinosaurs · 28/12/2021 08:17

First rule of hosting is to make your guests feel comfortable - so SIBU

And you text before you set off.

I would normally be in touch to firm up plans if necessary, confirm arrival time/location etc

Original poster
Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 08:18

@dudsville

Ah, the "reconfirm", it's an odd little dance.

Person 1: "Would you like to do x?"

Person A "That sounds lovely, yes thank you!"

Later on nearer the time, Person 1 or A must ask "Would you still like to do x?"

The original question and acceptance is more like an agreed "save the day date".

Is this a cultural thing? I thought I'd RSVPed.
OP posts:
twominutesmore · 28/12/2021 08:19

I do normally text the day before to check we are still meeting, to avoid an awkward situation like this, but I don't think that should be an expectation.

If she invited you, she should be fully prepared for you to turn up. If she wants clarity, she should be the one chasing and texting.

She was rude to keep mentioning it too.

Svara · 28/12/2021 08:21

More than a week out and I'd text the day before, like the dentist.

PuppyMonkey · 28/12/2021 08:22

God I’m cringing here. She forgot she invited you until you turned up after everyone else had cancelled? You text an hour before but received no response and STILL went?

Awkward!

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 28/12/2021 08:24

@Lairymary

Having said that, if I was the host and hadn't heard anything I would have contacted you if I hadn't heard to check if you were still coming..... you both sound like shit communicators. Both at fault for this one.
If person A invites person B to lunch, then person A decides to cancel, it's on her to tell B.
Rumplestrumpet · 28/12/2021 08:26

I usually do a subtle reconfirm a day or two before something like this - "Hi, looking forward to seeing you, what can we bring?" Or to confirm parking details or something similar if hosting - that way you're showing you still want to attend but checking nothing has changed.

But we've got very young kids so people do often drop out due to last minute fevers, etc.

But your friend was very rude and should have been a more gracious host.

MangoM · 28/12/2021 08:27

I'm a bit on fence about this. I don't like asking 'are we still on?' if I can help it as it almost suggests that it would've been acceptable to cancel.

If it's appropriate, I'll ask something along the lines of what time shall I aim to arrive tomorrow? Or can I bring anything to help? Still serves as a reminder without having to specifically reconfirm.

HoseMeDownWithHollyWater · 28/12/2021 08:30

My husband had this but the other way.

He'd made plans with a friend to come over for some sporting match or something. He'd got some beers and snacks in and we'd arranged for our then three year old to be elsewhere.

Not long before he was due to come over, his girlfriend sent me a video of him drunk and falling into a paddling pool at a BBQ. When I questioned it she said they hadn't realised it was a "concrete plan".

itsgettingweird · 28/12/2021 08:32

If I'd invited you I'd find it rude if you'd agreed and didn't turn up without cancelling!

If I was wanting to know if you were going to arrive I'd have text and confirmed myself a few days in advance.

Yanbu.

seriousandloyal · 28/12/2021 08:34

I'm with you OP, if a date has been agreed on I stick to it.

Original poster
Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 08:35

@PuppyMonkey

God I’m cringing here. She forgot she invited you until you turned up after everyone else had cancelled? You text an hour before but received no response and STILL went?

Awkward!

Well my text was more along the lines of, "Just setting off from [Town] now, see you soon!" Rather than "Have you by chance cancelled the invitation and forgot to tell me?"
OP posts:
HarlanPepper · 28/12/2021 08:35

I don't think anyone was being unreasonable, but I would always text a couple of days before meeting up to check we were still on, if the arrangement was made any more than a week prior. People do forget things, or plans change. It sounds like she was hoping you had forgotten, perhaps she wasn't feeling sociable for whatever reason. Glad you had a good meet up anyway.

Original poster
Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 08:39

@HoseMeDownWithHollyWater

My husband had this but the other way.

He'd made plans with a friend to come over for some sporting match or something. He'd got some beers and snacks in and we'd arranged for our then three year old to be elsewhere.

Not long before he was due to come over, his girlfriend sent me a video of him drunk and falling into a paddling pool at a BBQ. When I questioned it she said they hadn't realised it was a "concrete plan".

That's awful and really kind of hurtful. I mean, shit happens and it's not worth getting hung up on things, but on the other hand if someone accepts a better offer and then gaslights you about it--particularly when you've gone to some trouble - - it can make you feel rubbish.
OP posts: