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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"But we never confirmed" - - with voting option

228 replies

Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 05:30

I showed up at the house of a friend and she was clearly surprised to see me. We still had a visit-- coffee and food I brought. She seemed a little flustered at first and when I asked if everything was okay, she said, "Well I thought you weren't coming because we never confirmed".

I said, "Oh right but you invited me a while back and I said yes great, so..."

Her: "Right but that was a while back and we never confirmed".

We finally dropped it and had a nice visit but was left wondering whether I'd missed some convention.

YES: an invitation and acceptance made over a month in advance needs to be refreshed with a confirmation. Otherwise it expires.

NO: If some issues a specific invitation and you accept, it's reasonable to just stick the event in your diary and rely upon it.

OP posts:
MrsColon · 28/12/2021 08:42

It's certainly normal/polite nowadays in the UK to reconfirm a day or two before, but it's not your fault that you didn't know that - I guess it's one of those cultural things you learn by doing, since no-one explicitly states it.

Your friend was rude to assume you weren't coming, and also in mentioning it to you. She was probably caught out by the lack of a text to check it was still on, but as she surely knows you're not British she should've given you a quick text instead.

SheWoreYellow · 28/12/2021 08:43

[quote phishy]@SheWoreYellow it’s in the OP - 1 month ago[/quote]
@phishy OP says ‘over a month ago’, but in the voting bit, so I just wanted to to know was it a month ago or six?

Original poster
Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 08:44

Well looking back over my texts it was 16th Nov. May it please the court.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 28/12/2021 08:46

I think "you never confirmed" is a bit of an excuse. If everybody else had dropped out then I think its down to the inviter to confirm whether the get together will go ahead.....I think she forgot.

CherryRedDMs · 28/12/2021 08:49

For me she’s wrong if she gave you an exact time. If planning to reconfirm, I would invite only for ‘lunch’ and then agree a time a few days before. Also, if you’ve rsvped unreservedly then she should be the one reconfirming.
I would bet she completely forgot and was making excuses.

BringMeTea · 28/12/2021 08:49

She is totally U and rude to make you feel unwelcome. How about the person who claims the need for a double confirm (as they say in Singapore) actually bothers to do so. Annoying.

SheWoreYellow · 28/12/2021 08:51

@Coffeetree

Well looking back over my texts it was 16th Nov. May it please the court.
Smile

That’s really not that long ago.

I think she’d forgotten about you. Totally her issue. But if she hasn’t seen your text then it’s understandable that she was a bit thrown. She just should have been honest about it.
‘Oh no, I though everyone had cancelled, my mistake, but how lovely to see you!’

Nowomenaroundeh · 28/12/2021 08:51

She was rude as hell.

Any of these situation would be ok:
Texting you in advance and saying - hi, everyone else has cancelled disappointingly. I'd love to still see you for a catch up or we can leave it till I reschedule the group. Either option is fine with me so let me know what suits you.
Or
She forgot till she saw your text but pulled it off without you realising
Or
She forgot and didn't have the house ready. She confessed she had mixed up her plans, totally here fault but said she was so happy to see you and put lunch together.

What she did was make you feel unwelcome after driving for an hour. Your time is as important as hers and you'd given up a day of your holidays to go and see her.

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 28/12/2021 08:52

@WoodenReindeer

Texting an hour before/ in your way is far too late! At the latest you needed to teh day before. Many people don't see their texts every hour and even if they had if you'd already left they can hardly say no!
Not when you've already made a firm arrangement for a specific date and time.

If the host was unsure, she could always have taken steps to confirm herself, she shouldn't just have assumed that OP had cancelled.

Foolsrule · 28/12/2021 08:53

All this texting to confirm - OMG! 25 years ago, you’d make an arrangement and stick to it. You wouldn’t need to text to check this and that as a prompt to your host. Granted, Covid might make this prudent these days but seriously!? All this extra and unnecessary communication causes more stress than it’s worth. I now get texts that reconfirm Dr’s appts, the dentist and my hairdresser. Ironically, if that text doesn’t come through now, I feel like I have to phone them and check there hasn’t been a problem! In the past, you’d put the appt in your diary and turn up as agreed. There simply wasn’t the need (or the stress caused) by constant additional messages and reconfirming.

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 28/12/2021 08:53

@MrsColon

It's certainly normal/polite nowadays in the UK to reconfirm a day or two before, but it's not your fault that you didn't know that - I guess it's one of those cultural things you learn by doing, since no-one explicitly states it.

Your friend was rude to assume you weren't coming, and also in mentioning it to you. She was probably caught out by the lack of a text to check it was still on, but as she surely knows you're not British she should've given you a quick text instead.

No, it isn't the norm with a firm invitation.
TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 08:54

Shes been really rude tbh

TedGlenn · 28/12/2021 08:54

You were (culturally) in the minority not to check with her a few days before that the event was happening. I would always do that, simply to avoid the situation you found yourself in.

But that in NO WAY mitigates her poor behaviour in assuming that you wouldn't come, or making you feel in any way uncomfortable when you did come as arranged. So YANBU.

DisforDarkChocolate · 28/12/2021 08:54

If any needed to confirm here it was the person who did the inviting.

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 28/12/2021 08:55

@Scarydinosaurs

First rule of hosting is to make your guests feel comfortable - so SIBU

And you text before you set off.

I would normally be in touch to firm up plans if necessary, confirm arrival time/location etc

But they had firm arrangements in place already. What was there to firm up?
CheshireKitten123 · 28/12/2021 08:56

@Coffeetree

No response to text.
That would have been a red flag to me.

Couldn't you have phoned her land-line?

TrishM80 · 28/12/2021 08:58

Haven't read the full thread, but going on the original post, I think you're in the wrong. You should never show up unannounced at someone's house, even if there's a vague and unspecific invitation from a month ago. What if she had plans that morning?

MrsTophamHat · 28/12/2021 08:59

I would always send a text a day or so before to check, and given the circumstances of everyone else dropping out, I would expect the likelihood to be that it would be postponed.

How did you know that everyone else had dropped out? Do you have a whatsapp group or something?

Immunetypegoblin · 28/12/2021 09:00

I do feel for the host a bit - imo she should have texted you to clarify that it was cancelled/postponed. OTOH she was clearly thrown when you arrived and handled it awkwardly, which I can totally relate to. Sometimes a social interaction can surprise you to the extent that you're still trying to process that it's happening as it happens (IYSWIM). If my friend then left feeling mildly aggrieved at me for not pretending better, I'd be a bit upset.

Foolsrule · 28/12/2021 09:00

You should never show up unannounced at someone's house

She didn’t, she’d been invited!

NumaNumaYay · 28/12/2021 09:01

YANBU but I usually send a quick text to confirm.

She couldn't have forgotten the meet up was actually going to happen if several people had said "sorry I can no longer come"? I guess as you say, she forgot you were also invited, which is incredibly rude of her.

Not reading OP's posts and only commenting on the first of a 100+ thread is also rude. Grin

whyarentiskinnyet · 28/12/2021 09:01

If plans are made in advance then I will always text a day or two before to check we are still on and nothing has changed etc

Cuck00soup · 28/12/2021 09:02

@WoodenReindeer

Texting an hour before/ in your way is far too late! At the latest you needed to teh day before. Many people don't see their texts every hour and even if they had if you'd already left they can hardly say no!
This is what I was thinking. It’s clear that she had expected to postpone or cancel the lunch after others pulled out and she is very much at fault for not letting you know.

But texting an hour before is waay too late.

UnsuitableHat · 28/12/2021 09:03

Don’t know what the convention is, but I’d have confirmed close to the time. Hope you had a nice time with her anyway.

lightisnotwhite · 28/12/2021 09:03

@CherryRedDMs

For me she’s wrong if she gave you an exact time. If planning to reconfirm, I would invite only for ‘lunch’ and then agree a time a few days before. Also, if you’ve rsvped unreservedly then she should be the one reconfirming. I would bet she completely forgot and was making excuses.
Read Ops updates. If everyone else has dropped out due to Covid, it would be sensible to check it’s still on and not postponed so the others can come.