Page 6 | "But we never confirmed" - - with voting option

Coffeetree · 2021-12-28T05:30:04+00:00

I showed up at the house of a friend and she was clearly surprised to see me. We still had a visit-- coffee and food I brought. She seemed a little flustered at first and when I asked if everything was okay, she said, "Well I thought you weren't coming because we never confirmed". I said, "Oh right but you invited me a while back and I said yes great, so..." Her: "Right but that was a while back and we never confirmed". We finally dropped it and had a nice visit but was left wondering whether I'd missed some convention. YES: an invitation and acceptance made over a month in advance needs to be refreshed with a confirmation. Otherwise it expires. NO: If some issues a specific invitation and you accept, it's reasonable to just stick the event in your diary and rely upon it.

whyarentiskinnyet · 28/12/2021 09:03

I also think if she had so many cancellations she should have contacted you herself to check if you were still coming so she could be prepared - it's what I would do as I'd want to check if I needed to buy food!

FourteenSixteenTwentyTwo · 28/12/2021 09:03

A few posters keep saying ‘firm up’ plans. I don’t get this. You need to firm things up a few days before if the plan was left as ‘let’s go to the town on Monday morning’ and you then need to decide on where you are meeting, or exact times.

In the OP she had the date, time and place so there’s literally nothing left to firm up. It’s concrete at this point.

As it happens I would check nowadays after years of my mother flaking on plans and not turning up, only letting me know once I’d prepared food or arrived at the destination. But I have always assumed plans are going ahead unless specifically cancelled and before all that shit I would just turn up where required.

Original poster

Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 09:03

@TrishM80

Haven't read the full thread, but going on the original post, I think you're in the wrong. You should never show up unannounced at someone's house, even if there's a vague and unspecific invitation from a month ago. What if she had plans that morning?

Lol, she did have "plans", which was hosting the lunch she'd invited me to!

OP posts:

AuntyBumBum · 28/12/2021 09:05

YES: an invitation and acceptance made over a month in advance needs to be refreshed with a confirmation. Otherwise it expires.

I don't understand the voting. I voted yes, YABU. If it's been accepted and confirmed then it's going ahead, unless one party or the other cancels. If she wanted confirmation she should have double checked with you rather than just assumed you weren't coming when you'd said you were.

Tulipomania · 28/12/2021 09:05

She invited you, she should have contacted you if she didn't want to go ahead with the visit.

However I would normally also check a couple of days before the the plans were still on if I hadn't heard anything from the inviter.

CrumpledCrumpet · 28/12/2021 09:06

If it was just a casual arrangement between two friends (“Would be lovely to meet up over the holidays - how about lunch on the 27th?”) then reconfirming would be usual..

If it were something like a birthday party with a formal invite, then you wouldn’t expect to reconfirm and you’d expect the host to inform you if circumstances had changed.

I think in this case as there were a number of people invited and the arrangement was already specific (it wasn’t just “for lunch” but there was an agreed time) I think was completely reasonable for OP to treat it like a ‘formal’ invite and assume it’s happening unless informed otherwise.

It sounds very much like the host forgot she’d invited the OP or didn’t realise she wasn’t on a communication chain where they’d agreed to cancel. I think that’s completely the hosts fault, not the OP.

Original poster

Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 09:06

@FourteenSixteenTwentyTwo

A few posters keep saying ‘firm up’ plans. I don’t get this. You need to firm things up a few days before if the plan was left as ‘let’s go to the town on Monday morning’ and you then need to decide on where you are meeting, or exact times.

In the OP she had the date, time and place so there’s literally nothing left to firm up. It’s concrete at this point.

As it happens I would check nowadays after years of my mother flaking on plans and not turning up, only letting me know once I’d prepared food or arrived at the destination. But I have always assumed plans are going ahead unless specifically cancelled and before all that shit I would just turn up where required.

Yes I agree, what's there to firm up? Date, time, location?

"Firm up" is when you've planned to meet for drinks after work Friday night and you firm up the venue and time.

OP posts:

Youdoyoutoday · 28/12/2021 09:07

6 of 1....
I'd always text the day before just to double check but she was wrong to make you feel awkward about it.

FourteenSixteenTwentyTwo · 28/12/2021 09:07

@lightisnotwhite Maybe you should read the OP’s updates. She only knew of one person who had dropped out until she arrived. She assumed the others were still attending.

The onus is squarely on the host in this situation.

icedcoffees · 28/12/2021 09:08

I would always double check with an invite made more than a week ago.

It's not hard to take a few minutes to say "Hi X - hope you're okay. Just wanting to double check we're still on for the 27th at your place?"

I think especially with COVID forcing people to change plans constantly it's a bit daft not to confirm things before you set out.

emmetgirl · 28/12/2021 09:08

I usually send a "are you still ok for..?" a day or so before, but that's because not everyone is as frighteningly organised as me!

Tulipomania · 28/12/2021 09:10

Here's how you word the confirmation text.

Looking forward to seeing you for lunch on Monday, I think you said 12.30? Can I bring anything?

I'd maybe have added: Also wanted to check with the current Covid situation that all's OK your end - we will do LFTs before we come.

ufucoffee · 28/12/2021 09:11

You were right OP. She invited you, you accepted. No need for any more confirmations etc. unless they come from the host to you.

Original poster

Coffeetree · 28/12/2021 09:13

I too have "confirmation fatigue" as someone mentioned above. I also avoid WhatsApp groups about routine things like lunch plans. If I can do something, great, it's in the diary.

OP posts:

campion · 28/12/2021 09:15

@TrishM80

Haven't read the full thread, but going on the original post, I think you're in the wrong. You should never show up unannounced at someone's house, even if there's a vague and unspecific invitation from a month ago. What if she had plans that morning?

Theres nothing vague about 'around 12.30 on the 27th at friend's house' as OP quoted her friend's invite.Friend originally invited other people too so it was on her to make sure everyone knew it was off. She forgot but didn't admit it.

CriminalOrator · 28/12/2021 09:16

I really don’t see how this is the OP’s fault. There is no onus on the invitee to contact an inviter ahead of the event to which they’ve been invited. None at all. It is not rude to receive an invitation, graciously accept it and then attend it.

What is rude is inviting someone, forgetting you’ve invited them, cancelling an event and then creating an atmosphere when your forgotten guest arrives. Any rudeness of social faux pas is the host’s, in my opinion.

While it may be a ‘best practise’ to check in beforehand, it’s not a requirement, it’s it part of the etiquette around accepting an invitation.

WiganDiva · 28/12/2021 09:18

@Coffeetree

See if I were hosting a meal and people had RSVPed, I'd be surprised to receive "Are we still on?" messages the day before. Like, I didn't cancel, I'm here preparing food, of course we're "still on". I'd think they were looking for excuse to pull out.

I agree with this. I find it irritating. I’m usually like ‘why wouldn’t we be?’ because I’d have let them know if anything had changed.

TedGlenn · 28/12/2021 09:18

OTOH she was clearly thrown when you arrived and handled it awkwardly, which I can totally relate to. Sometimes a social interaction can surprise you to the extent that you're still trying to process that it's happening as it happens (IYSWIM). If my friend then left feeling mildly aggrieved at me for not pretending better, I'd be a bit upset.

The host received a text from the OP an hour before (she told the OP she had been subsequently rushing around tidying up). I think 1 hour is enough time for her to get her "game face" on and not make the OP feel unwelcome for her mistake.

Fairylights25 · 28/12/2021 09:19

If I am hosting, I send a text to say looking forward to seeing you all at 8pm' if it is a group lunch or dinner, if it is a one to one, I send a quick text confirm we are still meeting.

If I am invited, I will always send a quick text to see if I can bring anything, just to check all is going ahead as planned.

I do this especially now in covid times, when things are subject to last minute changes and people can be ill/distracted with sick children etc.

Some plans are made in advance and are more formal, others are more casual and flexible. Either way you need to check whether you are fatigued by the prospect or not?!!!!

My guess: she cancelled the dinner because so many pulled out, she forgot to tell you and you caught her off guard and she was not ready to receive visitors. I would make a joke about it, and forget it, we are all dealing with so much uncertainty/moving parts.

Fairylights25 · 28/12/2021 09:21

I don't think she saw your setting off text, or she would have replied immediately to explain it was off, and would not have been so flustered when you arrived.

billy1966 · 28/12/2021 09:22

I think the mistake was hers.

You agreed a date and time.

I would have sent a reconfirming text the day before, but thats me.

She had issued the invitation and she was rude to imply YOU had made a mistake.

If everyone else cancelled, its HER fxxk up that she didn't text you to cancel.

SirChenjins · 28/12/2021 09:22

I voted YABU because I always text a couple of days beforehand to check that we’re still on (or my friends will text me) - esp if it’s more than a month in advance.

Covidclaire · 28/12/2021 09:26

But texting an hour before is waay too late.

Texting as you set off is pretty common. Gives your host an idea of what specific time you will be arriving to the event they have already invited you to. It’s not to reconfirm your attendances.

Covidclaire · 28/12/2021 09:31

@Tulipomania

Here's how you word the confirmation text.

Looking forward to seeing you for lunch on Monday, I think you said 12.30? Can I bring anything?

I'd maybe have added: Also wanted to check with the current Covid situation that all's OK your end - we will do LFTs before we come.

Yes the OP could have text this. But really the text should have been from the host to cancel the lunch. It’s the person who changes the arrangements that needs to text. And it’s up to the host to reconfirm, not the person invited.

Think of it like a restaurant booking. The restaurant calls you to reconfirm the booking, you don’t call the restaurant.

Or a wedding. Wedding guests don’t reconfirm the event is still going ahead. If plans change/it gets cancelled due to covid it’s up to the bride and groom to make sure their guests know.

maddening · 28/12/2021 09:31

If she had received cancellations due to covid then she was aware surely, people would have cancelled in the last week as they got covid, it was up to her to check her invitees that had not cancelled.