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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nephew is dog phobic. Visiting dilemma

634 replies

DaughterOfEvening · 27/12/2021 21:50

I’ve kept this quite vague as my SIL is on here. DB has asked to come and visit us with their children, all three over 6. We don’t live close by, a few hours drive. We have room for them to stay. They have not yet visited our house as we moved during lockdown. Their eldest is 12 and has always been dog phobic (will scream, cry, run away)
Phone call today from DB asking for detailed layout of the house and where the dogs will be as “Billy” won’t be in the same room as a dog. We have two very lazy dogs who sleep for 20+ hours a day. The dogs are not barkers or jumpers.

I have reassured him that neither dog will be wandering around and that they will stay on their respective beds in one room downstairs. The dogs have never been upstairs. Ever.
Brother has said that it’s not enough, that’s it’s nothing personal. He’s just not willing to put Billy under any stress.
I’m not sure if he’s expecting me to shut the dogs outside but if he asked this then my polite response would be oh dear, you have long drive back then.
Should I be more accommodating?

OP posts:
Luzina · 27/12/2021 21:51

What does your brother want you to do? Can you keep the door shut so the dogs are kept apart, with nephew being kept apart when dogs need to go out etc?

KCee30 · 27/12/2021 21:52

If he that petrified of dogs, they simply cannot stay.. They can't expect you to shut your dogs away in their own home. I totally get how real dog fears are but YANBU.

AsYouWishButtercup · 27/12/2021 21:52

This won’t be a popular opinion but he’s you should be more accommodating. People, especially children, with phobias aren’t being awkward or difficult, and phobias can be physically debilitating. Even with sleepy dogs! Can’t you just shut them in your bedroom?

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 27/12/2021 21:54

Yes op tell db to shut his dc in a bedroom..
Yabu to even consider uprooting your ddogs in favour of a df who hasn't sought help with his phobic dc..

PferdeMerde · 27/12/2021 21:54

The mn response will probably be let your precious fur babies jump all over him.

NorthSouthcatlady · 27/12/2021 21:54

No. “Billy” ultimately needs to get used to dogs is the bottom line. I’m not a dog person per se but some phobias can’t be avoided forever. Surely in this situation Billy will have upstairs and the lounge / or dining room. They will be in their room. Plus it’s December so why should the dogs be out all day and all night? If that’s what is being hinted at. It’s mild where l am but it might be where you are. Plus l think most places in the UK are quite wet at the moment

WinniesHunny · 27/12/2021 21:55

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pilates · 27/12/2021 21:55

He must accept the position or not come.

MrzClaus · 27/12/2021 21:55

@AsYouWishButtercup

This won’t be a popular opinion but he’s you should be more accommodating. People, especially children, with phobias aren’t being awkward or difficult, and phobias can be physically debilitating. Even with sleepy dogs! Can’t you just shut them in your bedroom?
Surely it's cruel to shut the 12 year old in the bedroom? Best leave him outside in the garden, with a toy or two? Or maybe the car? Failing that, perhaps some kennels by your DBs.
Dancingsmile · 27/12/2021 21:55

I doubt he wants you to lock them outside but keep them in a separate room.
A phobia is debilitating and it isn't something you can switch off. Them being in the same room would put someone terrified of dogs under a huge amount of stress.
If you want to see them and have them visit then you'll have to make sure the dogs are separate to them. It's your call.

LiloandTwitch · 27/12/2021 21:55

"Sorry, my dogs are family too. This is their home. If you're expecting them to be locked outside I'm afraid you'll have to get a travelodge room or something. I am happy to accommodate you, but the dogs will be in their room if so"

Barbie222 · 27/12/2021 21:56

Can you not meet him outside and leave dogs at home?

Schmoozer · 27/12/2021 21:56

Well if the child is actually dog phobic as opposed to not liking them, he will be in a flight / fight panic mode, terrified, feel out of control, unable to settle etc
If there is anyway you can orchestrate the child not encountering the dog and the child being able
To trust that they won’t suddenly be exposed to their fear, that would be the best outcome and the. Parents should tackle the phobia through graded
Exposure with the child

WhiteXmas21 · 27/12/2021 21:57

If it was an afternoon visit, I would just about be ok with keeping dogs shut away, although if the dogs are trained, child friendly etc, it seems it would do DN some good to at least observe them ignoring him.

However, anyone staying overnight would either get used to the dogs, or stay in their room, because it’s their home. They wouldn’t need to be upstairs, not on the sofa beside the guests, but I wouldn’t be keeping them locked away, and certainly not outside.

happychristmasbum · 27/12/2021 21:57

I would respond saying, "Oh no, that's a shame - here's a link to the local premier inn/travelodge. Looking forward to seeing you."

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 27/12/2021 21:57

I’m sorry, dogs are animals. Why shouldn’t you accommodate your family and be empathetic???

Alayalaya · 27/12/2021 21:57

I tell my in-laws that my son is scared of dogs, but he isn’t. I tell lies because their dog is big and they haven’t bothered to train it, and I’m acutely aware that it only has to turn on him unexpectedly on one occasion and he’ll be seriously injured. It’s me who wants the dog kept away from my son, so I lie about him being scared. Just a thought.

Coughee · 27/12/2021 21:57

Yanbu. I am nervous of dogs and I would be very happy with your reply. I would never ever expect anyone to put their dog outside for me. I would only expect them to keep them from jumping up at me really.

smurfsss · 27/12/2021 21:57

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AsYouWishButtercup · 27/12/2021 21:58

Wow the attempts to compare dogs to children started early (ye: I love dogs, no they’re not the same as children in any way, even other people’s children)

Chloemol · 27/12/2021 21:58

The dogs are your family as well. They are used to being in a room in your house and in your case not upstairs, Billy can stay up there if necessaryb

If Billy isn’t happy then they don’t come

And your brother should be getting Billy help to get over his phobia

Insidelaurashead · 27/12/2021 21:58

I'd be accommodating in terms of 'the dogs normally live in the living room DB and that's where they will be but we will all eat in the dining room, and you and or your wife are welcome to play games in the dining room with Billy when the rest of us watch a film in the living room. When ddogs need to go into the dining room to eat their tea, we will let Billy know so he can go upstairs out of their way if he would like to'

I wouldn't be putting the dogs outside

sunflowerroses · 27/12/2021 21:59

Sounds like the dogs can be kept in one room apart from your nephew (which I think is reasonable) but not reasonable to keep them outside. We keep our dogs apart from nervous guests - our house it quite open plan but can be split into two so we keep the dogs in the other room - they still get plenty of attention.

AsYouWishButtercup · 27/12/2021 21:59

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

Yes op tell db to shut his dc in a bedroom.. Yabu to even consider uprooting your ddogs in favour of a df who hasn't sought help with his phobic dc..
Where did OP say he hasn’t sought help?

And where do people think small children get help for phobias - the Anti-Phobia shop? Get real

FOJN · 27/12/2021 21:59

I sympathise with the sons phobia, it isn't pleasant for him to be so afraid of dogs but I don't think they can visit. The situation would be tense and stressful for everyone and it's not fair to your dogs or your nephew. Could they stay somewhere else locally or could you meet halfway without the dogs?

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