Nephew is dog phobic. Visiting dilemma

[DaughterOfEvening]

I’ve kept this quite vague as my SIL is on here. DB has asked to come and visit us with their children, all three over 6. We don’t live close by, a few hours drive. We have room for them to stay. They have not yet visited our house as we moved during lockdown. Their eldest is 12 and has always been dog phobic (will scream, cry, run away)
Phone call today from DB asking for detailed layout of the house and where the dogs will be as “Billy” won’t be in the same room as a dog. We have two very lazy dogs who sleep for 20+ hours a day. The dogs are not barkers or jumpers.

I have reassured him that neither dog will be wandering around and that they will stay on their respective beds in one room downstairs. The dogs have never been upstairs. Ever.
Brother has said that it’s not enough, that’s it’s nothing personal. He’s just not willing to put Billy under any stress.
I’m not sure if he’s expecting me to shut the dogs outside but if he asked this then my polite response would be oh dear, you have long drive back then.
Should I be more accommodating?

If he’s really dog phobic then DB is being an arse to drag him to stay where there will be a dog!

I have been through similar with an incredibly dog phobic child, phobia caused by one of those "he's only playing" owners who stood by like a lemon while their animal jumped all over my terrified toddler.

She is much better now - still wary - but not phobic to the stage of hysteria. She's had sessions with a clinical psychologist and we once spent a looooong summer sitting on park benches watching dogs not being interested in her.

However, I would not have put her into the situation of staying in a house with a dog. It would have been too much for her. Dealing with phobias is about gradual exposure, not staying in a house with dogs. I think actually your brother is being a bit unreasonable here OP by putting his son in that situation without a gradual build-up to it.

@BerthaBlythe

Lovely thread. I have a ds of similar age who is dog phobic. He has had CBT. He’s still deeply phobic.

I just love the “get help” brigade who don’t have the first clue about what therapy is or can realistically achieve.

Depending on where you are in the country I can highly recommend the course my child did. No silver bullet but the team running it are incredible

@WinniesHunny

Shut the 12yo in the bedroom, more like. It's the dog's fucking house, not some snivelling little snowflake's

No issue with it being the dog's home and therefore putting their needs first. However is anybody with a phobia a snivelling little snowflake WinniesHunny? It truly upsets me that anybody would think that way about having a phobia. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible.

I wouldn't let my dog jump over someone with a dog phobia or bring him into the room they were in but my dog lives in this house. It is his home and I would not shut him in a room by himself all day so someone with a dog phobia could stay in the house unless they needed emergency accommodation. I would just explain to my brother that if his child cannot ever be in the same room as a dog then my house is unsuitable as I have dogs.

It's your dogs' home. YANBU.
You can't possibly lock them out.
Your brother will need to come to some sort of arrangement or you meet elsewhere.

I feel that DB is waiting for me to offer to shut the dogs outside. He won’t ask.

It will be a stalemate. I don’t think they will come. I know he is ABSOLUTELY itching to visit the new house. It’s nothing grand, I just have a very different lifestyle now. I can work permanently from home, no stressful commute, our older children are more independent and the youngest have a safer school environment.

Actually OP never said that they were going to shut the dogs in the room , just that they would be on their beds and usually sleep and don’t usually go upstairs. I think if there is a phobia the dogs would need to be contained by a door or baby gate. Could they bring one and put it across the stairs so nephew has a guaranteed dog free area upstairs?

I feel that DB is waiting for me to offer to shut the dogs outside. He won’t ask

Ask him outright, maybe then he will start to reflect on his behaviour and understand how much of a shit father he is being to put his son in this situation.

@nocoolnamesleft

Got to laugh at all the people who think it's so easy to arrange treatment for a dog phobia in a child. In 20 years of trying I have only once managed to persuade CAMHS to see a child with a phobia, and that was after their needle phobia endangered their life.

Private treatment? Worth prioritizing with such a debilitating condition.

I don’t think it’s fair on the child or the dog for your nephew to stay over.

Obviously you can’t keep your dogs outside overnight. Accommodating guests doesn’t include animal cruelty… even if they have phobias. It’s just not a reasonable adjustment to make.

And from your nephews perspective, If he has a phobia he will likely be anxious just knowing the dogs are on the property. I think it would be best for everyone if they got a hotel room nearby.

How does he go to the park or to a friends house if he's that scared? Dogs are everywhere. They need to try and manage Billy's phobia.

They can't stay at yours and will need to find alternative accommodation.

@nocoolnamesleft

Got to laugh at all the people who think it's so easy to arrange treatment for a dog phobia in a child. In 20 years of trying I have only once managed to persuade CAMHS to see a child with a phobia, and that was after their needle phobia endangered their life.

I agree with this. CAHMS sent us an email with a link to websites to look at.

We contacted the therapy pets people who send pets into schools or hospitals - couldn't help.

Luckily we were able to afford to pay for private sessions with a psychologist. Not cheap. Not accessible for everyone. And the child has to be fully on board and engaged in tackling their fears.

Just speak to your brother. Ask him what he would like you to do. Point out that the dogs can't be turfed outside (they would be miserable in the current weather if they're used to being indoors) but they can be kept away from his DS within the house. If that is not good enough, ask your brother if it is really a sensible move to subject your nephew to the trauma of staying in a house with dogs and whether an Airbnb would be a better option.

I think this depends on how accommodating you want to be. I'm not a fan of many dogs, but I can understand why you wouldn't want to shut them outside. But equally, if you're keen to build more of a relationship with your brother, this is is a good chance. So it depends what matters more to you. I wouldn't do it out of obligation though, I think your original suggestion is reasonable

I have a dog phobia. YANBU. I likely wouldn’t visit someone with dogs, but I wouldn’t expect them to lock their dogs away for any length of time to facilitate me either.

I don't think someone with so severe a dog phobia can realistically visit a house with dogs. Of course it would be unreasonable to expect them to be shut outside. If your db says the arrangements won't work, maybe suggest it would be better to meet somewhere else.

I feel that DB is waiting for me to offer to shut the dogs outside. He won’t ask.

He won't ask because he knows its is an unreasonable demand to make of a host to put their animals outside (especially at this time of year)

Put it on him - ask him directly what he wants you to do with the dogs during his visit, considering that just letting them do their usual thing (sleeping in their beds in their own room away from everyone else) is apparently not enough. That way he has to be explicit about what he wants you to do, at which point you can say "That will not be possible" and he will have to make other arrangements at his own expense.

@happychristmasbum

I would respond saying, "Oh no, that's a shame - here's a link to the local premier inn/travelodge. Looking forward to seeing you."

This

StormyDog is more part of the house than the the furniture and won't be displaced for love nor money. 12 year old & DB can like it or lump it

I’m not even particularly interested in getting over my phobia. I’ve been bitten, unprovoked, on three separate occasions (only one of the three requiring hospital treatment) so I’m just not generally interested in being around dogs. I’m sure most dogs are lovely pets but I’m done with taking the risk.

@LoveFall exactly, my fiancé is a CBT therapist and treatment for dog phobia can be very efficacious

In all seriousness something needs to be done about it. My fiancé used to be scared of dogs, more recently he was good friends with a Staffordshire bull terrier who lived on the next road to us at our old house. Our neighbours on each side of our new house have dogs. We leave near a busy seafront and even at 8pm in the winter there are dogs there

Can you borrow a babygate and keep the dogs in one room?

I’d try and accommodate a child who is frightened. It might give him the opportunity to see your dogs in a positive light if they aren’t a threat.

@Lifeboats2022 could you pm me the details please?

YANBU
Your DB is the unreasonable one tbh. For expecting you to shut your dogs away, and for insisting on bringing his dog phobic son into a house with dogs.
Like a few pp have said, your brother staying in a local hotel is a good compromise,
Are your dogs greyhounds? (an educated guess based on the 20+ hours sleeping and non barking).

This is their problem, not yours. You have dogs, they are aware of this. They have multiple options 1. They drive back the same day; 2. They stay in a hotel; 3. They deal with it. Ultimately all you can do is give them the facts and let them make the decision on what they want to do.