Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nephew is dog phobic. Visiting dilemma

634 replies

DaughterOfEvening · 27/12/2021 21:50

I’ve kept this quite vague as my SIL is on here. DB has asked to come and visit us with their children, all three over 6. We don’t live close by, a few hours drive. We have room for them to stay. They have not yet visited our house as we moved during lockdown. Their eldest is 12 and has always been dog phobic (will scream, cry, run away)
Phone call today from DB asking for detailed layout of the house and where the dogs will be as “Billy” won’t be in the same room as a dog. We have two very lazy dogs who sleep for 20+ hours a day. The dogs are not barkers or jumpers.

I have reassured him that neither dog will be wandering around and that they will stay on their respective beds in one room downstairs. The dogs have never been upstairs. Ever.
Brother has said that it’s not enough, that’s it’s nothing personal. He’s just not willing to put Billy under any stress.
I’m not sure if he’s expecting me to shut the dogs outside but if he asked this then my polite response would be oh dear, you have long drive back then.
Should I be more accommodating?

OP posts:
Lifeboats2022 · 27/12/2021 21:59

Hmmmm. I've had/got child of similar age with this phobia and it's hideous. The anxiety around it is extreme. No way I'd take them to stay in a house with dogs. No one would have a good time.

A different solution needs to be sought by your brother. But calling the child a snivelling snowflake is a incredible ignorant and mean thing.

Totalwasteofpaper · 27/12/2021 21:59

I am a dog owner but sympathetic to the nephew and phobia.

Really the parents should be working on this but you can't fix that.

In terms of his phonia I'd say its not appropriate for them to come to your home so I would suggest it's best for you all to meet in a neutral space and they need to stay in a hotel.

Your brother needs to understand that he needs to look after his child's well being (not you) and the house isn't appropriate given the phobia.

Akire · 27/12/2021 21:59

Not sure what else you can do, the dogs stay in their room. When they need a walk/the loo Billy has go sit upstairs or in the car. Dogs then go back in their room. Sounds reasonable enough most people be lucky if had a gate across a door and they would still be barking jumping. If Billy can’t cope with few hours visiting with dogs sleeping in next room then family visits will be off.

GrandmasNightgown · 27/12/2021 21:59

He's asked to come and visit you.

You have agreed to keep the dogs away from his DC - never upstairs, kept on one room downstairs.

And that's not enough?

Tell him to stay in B&B and you will meet up, without dogs, away from your home

You can't invite yourself then seek to evict the resident dogs!

PinkWaferBiscuit · 27/12/2021 22:00

I don't think you're unreasonable at all, you've made it clear that you'll be as accommodating as possible but if the only way he will visit is by you effectively kicking the dogs out of their own home then unfortunately that means they cannot come.

I really hope they have sought help for the poor lad it's not going to magically better and unfortunately being that afraid of dogs will have a hugely detrimental affect on his life.

Flossieskeeper · 27/12/2021 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AsYouWishButtercup · 27/12/2021 22:01

@Alayalaya

I tell my in-laws that my son is scared of dogs, but he isn’t. I tell lies because their dog is big and they haven’t bothered to train it, and I’m acutely aware that it only has to turn on him unexpectedly on one occasion and he’ll be seriously injured. It’s me who wants the dog kept away from my son, so I lie about him being scared. Just a thought.
Hmm this is a weird thing to do. How does your son feel about you lying about his feelings?
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2021 22:01

Given his son’s phobia I can’t understand why they want to visit you never mind stay over.

What’s he thinking?

I don’t like dogs. Yours sound fine but if I was prone to the reaction you describe I wouldn’t be going there at all.

Chunkymenrock · 27/12/2021 22:01

They can stay in a local Premier Inn then and see you during the day.

Lifeboats2022 · 27/12/2021 22:01

@Lifeboats2022

Hmmmm. I've had/got child of similar age with this phobia and it's hideous. The anxiety around it is extreme. No way I'd take them to stay in a house with dogs. No one would have a good time.

A different solution needs to be sought by your brother. But calling the child a snivelling snowflake is a incredible ignorant and mean thing.

My child voluntarily took a dog phobia 10wk course last year. It's helped but i still wouldn't make them stay in a house with dogs... unless he felt able and willing.

Daisy4569 · 27/12/2021 22:03

Personally I think they should stay in other accommodation locally. I’d expect visitors to either fit in with our set up or stay elsewhere to avoid everyone being stressed.

DisforDarkChocolate · 27/12/2021 22:03

If he is that bad then he needs to arrange some therapy for the child because the world will not magically remove all dogs from his sight. He's 12, at that age most children are going out and about themselves, he needs to be able to cope if he sees a dog.

You are offering to do enough.

FreeFrenchHens · 27/12/2021 22:03

It's not clear exactly how accommodating you are being.

If you said "dogs will be staying in the living room the whole time you are here" then this is massively less accommodating than "dogs will stay in the kitchen and we'll make sure the kitchen door stays shut".

I think them staying in a hotel and you finding a way to keep a shut door or gate between Billy and dogs for a few hours would be a reasonable compromise.

WhatScratch · 27/12/2021 22:03

You can’t shut the dogs out all day and overnight.

Original poster
DaughterOfEvening · 27/12/2021 22:03

Ha! They are far from fur babies. I’m not precious about the dogs at all. The dogs won’t be going upstairs, mainly because I don’t want my dogs in bedrooms but also they can’t do stairs and are both too big to carry.
The layout of the house is such that Billy would not need to walk through the room where the dogs will be. He would be able to see them if he chose to walk past the corridor leading to that part of the house.

OP posts:
AsYouWishButtercup · 27/12/2021 22:04

I’m not sure if hypnotherapy works on children or is appropriate but it’s really helped me tackle my fear of heights. It’s very expansive though

Schmoozer · 27/12/2021 22:04

Wet lettuce …. Snowflake ….
Wow
If the child is dog phobic, their terrified response is automatic panic, not a choice !
A phobia is a psychological disorder that requires specific treatment in many cases,
As a doggie lover I wouldn’t entertain the sticking the dogs out in the garden but I would be thinking how awful it is for this kid anticipating being in an enclosed space with their worst nightmare -
If it was a relative with a pet tarantula-
I would be the same as this kid and absolutely terrified !!

AsYouWishButtercup · 27/12/2021 22:04

Do you have a utility room OP?

GroggyLegs · 27/12/2021 22:05

@WinniesHunny

Shut the 12yo in the bedroom, more like. It's the dog's fucking house, not some snivelling little snowflake's
God bless us everyone 🎅
AsYouWishButtercup · 27/12/2021 22:05

For my nieces and nephew I think I’d probably try and get a friend or family member to dog sit. A little sympathy for the poor lad wouldn’t go amiss, these people suggesting ways to be awkward about it all are just dicks

Tulips21 · 27/12/2021 22:05

100% let them know yhe dogs wont be going anywhere apart from their room, as in, not outside or wherever else DB thinks they will go...!
and suggest a local hotel for them!

DaisyWaldron · 27/12/2021 22:05

Is the room one where they can be shut in for the whole visit? If not, "Billy" probably can't come, and you won't be getting any visits from your brother for the foreseeable future. You are absolutely entitled to put the comfort of your dogs above the comfort of your nephew, but you would be very unreasonable (and foolish) to expect that choice to have no consequences for your family relationships.

Porcupineintherough · 27/12/2021 22:06

@WinniesHunny

Shut the 12yo in the bedroom, more like. It's the dog's fucking house, not some snivelling little snowflake's
Seriously? You think that's a normal way to talk about a frightened child?
itwasntaparty · 27/12/2021 22:06

Then they stay somewhere else in a hotel or Airbnb.

BinChicken3 · 27/12/2021 22:06

How can Billy function in everyday life with a dog phobia, they’re everywhere?

YANBU.

Swipe left for the next trending thread