Nephew is dog phobic. Visiting dilemma

[DaughterOfEvening]

I’ve kept this quite vague as my SIL is on here. DB has asked to come and visit us with their children, all three over 6. We don’t live close by, a few hours drive. We have room for them to stay. They have not yet visited our house as we moved during lockdown. Their eldest is 12 and has always been dog phobic (will scream, cry, run away)
Phone call today from DB asking for detailed layout of the house and where the dogs will be as “Billy” won’t be in the same room as a dog. We have two very lazy dogs who sleep for 20+ hours a day. The dogs are not barkers or jumpers.

I have reassured him that neither dog will be wandering around and that they will stay on their respective beds in one room downstairs. The dogs have never been upstairs. Ever.
Brother has said that it’s not enough, that’s it’s nothing personal. He’s just not willing to put Billy under any stress.
I’m not sure if he’s expecting me to shut the dogs outside but if he asked this then my polite response would be oh dear, you have long drive back then.
Should I be more accommodating?

@Tiredalwaystired

My daughter is dog phobic. My sister bought a dog in lockdown. We live a couple of hours away. We’ve not been to visit them since. It’s too stressful to contemplate

You’re within your right not to accommodate but they also have the right not to come and visit any more if it causes distress. It depends on how much you want them there really.

They invited themselves, their choice!

so are you saying that Japanese Tosa's are no longer bred or fought and that dog is now eaten and killed cruelly to be eaten nowhere in China?

@godmum56
Umm no... I've clearly not made any definitive sweeping statements. You have the monopoly on that.

I've simply pointed out that stereotyping entire nations based on minority activities is unwise. You've totally ignored the millions of caring dog owners in the countries you've listed in your rush to put the boot in.
By your logic all British people are all breeding and ear cropping fighting Staffies  but oddly you've not added us to your list of 'cultures who dislike dogs'

My point is that stereotyping entire nations is unhelpful and inaccurate at best, and racist at worst.

I agree that not all chinese or japanese do it but it was and is an aspect of their culture.

By their culture what exactly do you mean?
Which aspect of Korean immigrant dog eating is Chinese culture exactly?
Which Chinese ethnicity are you referring to?
Where does Tosa-fighting fit into Japanese culture in a way that is different to dog fighting in British culture?
I'd be interested to understand more of your expertise?

Or if not, then perhaps you should use qualifiers like 'in some parts of China', or 'traditionally Japanese tosa's were bred for fighting'.

I appreciate this accuracy dilutes your generalisations of communities/nationalities disliking dogs. I'm actually not aware of any Chinese or Japanese communities that dislike dogs to the point of phobia, which I assume is the point you're making as it would be relevant to the thread l, rather than forcing in irrelevant and unpleasant national stereotypes. Perhaps you could elaborate specifically which communities you're referring to in China or Japan that are dog phobic?

@Offmyfence That's great, but not all dogs find one they like? just as not everyone has friends or family they could ask? Either is besides the point. OP was asking what others would do, not what they would do if they had a phobic nephew visiting and no way of caring for their dog except within the home. I answered that based on how I treat my family/animals you answered it based on how you do.

@Tiredalwaystired

My daughter is dog phobic. My sister bought a dog in lockdown. We live a couple of hours away. We’ve not been to visit them since. It’s too stressful to contemplate

You’re within your right not to accommodate but they also have the right not to come and visit any more if it causes distress. It depends on how much you want them there really.

Not judging but out of interest do you know what triggered the phobia? It must make play dates/school runs/ park visits very difficult Perhaps seeing a family dog in a safe environment would be helpful ?

[quote 5zeds]**@Offmyfence* That's great, but not all dogs find one they like?* just as not everyone has friends or family they could ask? Either is besides the point. OP was asking what others would do, not what they would do if they had a phobic nephew visiting and no way of caring for their dog except within the home. I answered that based on how I treat my family/animals you answered it based on how you do.[/quote]
But OP had a very limited time to sort this?

The DB was totally unreasonable

@WaltzingBetty not a clue! She’s a very anxious child on the whole (lots of therapy taking place) but dogs are a real trigger. She doesn’t like the yapping or scrabbly paws. Puppies are worse for her than bigger older dogs. They small happy type my sis has bought are the biggest triggers.

We do t actually have many friends with dogs (city dwellers) so that’s not a big problem but parks are always really difficult and we have zig zag away from dogs when we see them. It’s all part of her therapy treatment but she’s young and therapy takes time.

I would shut my 2 barking dogs into kitchen with underfloor heating on and they can get out to wee in garden. There is no bloody way would I shut them out in the cold. Dn could be on lounge, dining room or upstairs. Dogs not allowed upstairs anyway. If that did not suit them then they stay at Travel Inn or not come. The dogs have done nothing wrong so should not be punished.

it’s only for a couple of hours a Dog Walker would solve the whole thing, but it seems OP has disengaged anyway so no need for any angst.

As per the opening post, it wasn't going to be a couple of hours, her DB wanted to come overnight ... which a dog walker would not solve.

Equally, why should the OP have to pay for a dog walker to accommodate a visitors demands?

I personally think having a kennels the dog now sand is comfortable in is part of very basic dog care.

I don't disagree that it is good to have somewhere other than the family home which a dog is comfortable at, but it does not need to be kennels. My parents dog is occasionally boarded at a local kennels and she loves it, but that doesn't mean that my parents are obliged to send her there every time they go away. I'm currently petsitting for them because to put the dog in kennels while they were away for 3 weeks over Christmas would have cost almost £2k ... having me petsit has cost them practically nothing - the dog is comfortable at my flat for overnight stays but for 3 weeks it was easier for me to stay at my parents.

I also think accommodating people’s, but especially families and probably more so family children needs is the least I would attempt to do.

If I invite someone to my house then I will do everything within my power to accommodate them, but there are limits - including kicking my pets out of their home for over 24hrs - and if it is going to cost me significant amounts of money then it is my perogative to decide how much I can afford to pay out in accommodations before if becomes an impossible situation.

Equally, if someone invites themselves then I will do what I can but I am under no obligation to make any accommodations for their visit - for example, if the OPS DB wanted to visit when she was on holiday, she would not be obliged to rearrange her holiday or allow him into her house without her there just because he wanted to visit at that time.

OP is asking if she should be more accommodating, I think she should (because that’s what I would do)

Considering that her DB invited himself and was making unreasonable demands beyond the accommodations that the OP can/was willing to offer then I disagree. She has no obligation to accommodate someone she didn't invite.

@Redarrow2017

I’m sorry but if a child a has a genuine phobia by the age of 12 the parents should have ensured he gets treatment or help in managing that phobia especially when it involves something as common and unavoidable as dogs. Ffs dogs are everywhere. Does he never go outside or to the park? His parents need to find out where the phobia stems from and get it dealt with as digs are unavoidable and he will end up raising his own family to be needlessly afraid of dogs which imo is pathetic when parents project their own fears into their off spring.

Wow. Clearly someone who has never dealt with a genuine phobia. And that’s also one hell of a leap to make. My friend is petrified of cats. Her daughter would love nothing more than to own one.

Nah no way I'd be happy yo shut my dog away from the family for the length of the stay. If you don't like dogs don't come in to my house. Certainly would let the dog jump all over people and behave badly but it's so impractical to keep a dog and dog phobic person apart. They would need to stay elsewhere if it was a problem.

@Redarrow2017

I’m sorry but if a child a has a genuine phobia by the age of 12 the parents should have ensured he gets treatment or help in managing that phobia especially when it involves something as common and unavoidable as dogs. Ffs dogs are everywhere. Does he never go outside or to the park? His parents need to find out where the phobia stems from and get it dealt with as digs are unavoidable and he will end up raising his own family to be needlessly afraid of dogs which imo is pathetic when parents project their own fears into their off spring.

Lots of adults have phobias too. That does not mean that their parents did them wrong by not getting them help. Not all phobias develop in childhood.

Sorry I would NOT let the dog jump on people.

Lots of adults have phobias too. That does not mean that their parents did them wrong by not getting them help. Not all phobias develop in childhood.

This. Mine went from a 'I'm not very good with needles' to an out an out phobia as an adult.

@PinkSparklyPussyCat

Lots of adults have phobias too. That does not mean that their parents did them wrong by not getting them help. Not all phobias develop in childhood.

This. Mine went from a 'I'm not very good with needles' to an out an out phobia as an adult.

Same here. It just got worse as I got older. And not many parents seem interested in getting treatment for needle phobia in children. They prefer to restrain them when getting a jab instead.

I’m not sure why/if you’re arguing with me @melj1213 I’ve said what I would do. OP has already explained that she has stuck to her “my dogs are here and won’t be leaving” and her brother has cancelled. He’s unlikely to visit again so her dogs can bunker down and nephew won’t be upset by them.

@5zeds

I’m not sure why/if you’re arguing with me *@melj1213 I’ve said what I* would do. OP has already explained that she has stuck to her “my dogs are here and won’t be leaving” and her brother has cancelled. He’s unlikely to visit again so her dogs can bunker down and nephew won’t be upset by them.

Visit again??

He's not visited yet!

I'd be happy that someone who thinks they can dictate to me in my own home doesn't ever visit again. Meet at a mutually friendly place.

OP, your family doesn’t sound all that different to mine. My parents stopped speaking to me a year ago over a very similar invention of my sibling’s, and just like you I fretted at first about whether I hadn’t been understanding enough or if it was in some way my fault or responsibility. The months of abuse that followed from my sibling finally convinced me that nobody deserves that kind of treatment. My sibling and I are still on speaking terms, as I too suspect something else is “going on” in their situation, but we are no longer close.

It’s been the most peaceful year of my life, OP. I sincerely wish you the best.

@Elphame

If your nephew is that bad then he needs a course of desensitising treatment. There are programs available and my older dog has often taken part as a registered therapy dog.

Dogs are everywhere. Such a severe phobia will impact his life badly and your brother is doing him no service.

yep, but apparently people have tried that and despite evidence to the contrary some posters say it doesn't work, defeatist just lock away then

@5zeds

If your dog is distressed to the point of losing his voice or refusing to eat/toilet by being in kennels, you need to find a sensible kennels that will work with you and your dog to help it. What on earth will happen if you have an accident and need to be hospitalised or the house gets damaged if the dog is only happy at home with you? Find a kennels that loves dogs and makes it enjoyable. It’s no different than making sure your child can manage at nursery/reception. For me that’s as much part of dog owning as teaching them anything else.

Obviously, as a dog owner of over 30 years experience I am well aware that arrangements have to be in place. But this does not mean kennels are the only choice.

My friend looks after my dogs.
And I look after hers.
So the dog is in a home with people it knows.

We also have my DD and her fiancé. Plus another friend, who came and stayed over with the dogs just last month.

And the added bonus is that it is free.

So absolutely no need for me to use kennels.

@HunterGatherer

At 4 my DS became terrified of dogs after being knocked down and playfully mauled by a huge black lab. It got worse and we asked the GP for an psychology referral. They were fab, recommended lots of social stories and the gentle reintroduction of dogs into his world. This worked so well that at 7 we were able to get our own dogs and at 11 he eon an award from school for rescuing a dog (a huge rottie at that!) off a traffic island. He used his tie as a lead! I would take the tack that your DB is being very irresponsible not to get some proper help for his son. Dogs are everywhere and he needs to seize every opportunity to help his boy overcome his phobia.

Aw, your son sounds amazing. And you are obviously so proud of him. What a positive story.

I find it bizarre that any parent would let a child's phobia reach that state over something that they are going to encounter almost daily throughout their lives. I find it even odder that Billy wants to look at the dogs on a webcam. It's unusual to be so phobic, unless those around him are similar or there has been a traumatic incident. Does Bill have any other issues or underlying conditions? I suspect that, like you say, there may be other concerns. I think that your DB is probably taking his frustrations out on you as he clearly was looking FWD to visiting

@Offmyfence it appears to be a Doberman so I'd be wary if I didn't know it's temperament.

[quote Yerroblemom1923]@Offmyfence it appears to be a Doberman so I'd be wary if I didn't know it's temperament.[/quote]
Why? So if you don't know the temperament of a standard poodle you'd be ok?