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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nephew is dog phobic. Visiting dilemma

634 replies

DaughterOfEvening · 27/12/2021 21:50

I’ve kept this quite vague as my SIL is on here. DB has asked to come and visit us with their children, all three over 6. We don’t live close by, a few hours drive. We have room for them to stay. They have not yet visited our house as we moved during lockdown. Their eldest is 12 and has always been dog phobic (will scream, cry, run away)
Phone call today from DB asking for detailed layout of the house and where the dogs will be as “Billy” won’t be in the same room as a dog. We have two very lazy dogs who sleep for 20+ hours a day. The dogs are not barkers or jumpers.

I have reassured him that neither dog will be wandering around and that they will stay on their respective beds in one room downstairs. The dogs have never been upstairs. Ever.
Brother has said that it’s not enough, that’s it’s nothing personal. He’s just not willing to put Billy under any stress.
I’m not sure if he’s expecting me to shut the dogs outside but if he asked this then my polite response would be oh dear, you have long drive back then.
Should I be more accommodating?

OP posts:
Kshhuxnxk · 27/12/2021 22:06

My DSis is terrified from dogs.

I have two dogs, one loves every single person in the entire world except her, I've honestly never seen anything like it - barking, carrying on etc she says that dogs are always like that with her. Based on that experience (never seen anything like it) I think your family should stay elsewhere.

LocalHobo · 27/12/2021 22:06

How can 'Billie' operate with such a serious dog phobia? I was astounded today, visiting the sales, that basically every shop had dogs inside. Maybe your sleepy, docile pets will be ideal for him to start with. Why not suggest that to your DB (who tbh, sounds part of the issue).

GroggyLegs · 27/12/2021 22:07

@Chunkymenrock

They can stay in a local Premier Inn then and see you during the day.
I think this is a reasonable solution.

I'm not a dog fan but get that it's their home & they can't be out all day. It's up to DB to find a solution his son is comfortable with.

LoveFall · 27/12/2021 22:08

Our dog is so much part of the family he would literally be heart broken if we locked him in a bedroom or outside (which is not possible anyway). He would cry and whine the whole time. He is totally a velcro dog who sits on laps most of the time.

It just would not work.

I do understand about phobias. But at 12 years old your nephew needs to get some CBT or desensitization therapy. A debilitating phobia of dogs will be quite disabling in the long run.

One of our sons was quite frightened of dogs until we got one. She won him over very quickly. A day after her arrival he told us he liked putting his hands in her mouth as it felt soft.

I know that sounds a bit over the top. But she was a very gentle soul and they became close.

SaveUs3rname · 27/12/2021 22:08

OP has said dogs will be shut into a room that the child doesn't need to access. I think that is perfectly accommodating. In fact I don't know what else could reasonably be done! No the dogs shouldn't be shut outside for numerous reasons.

OP - tell DB again the plan and then ask him what he expects you to do. Then offer to recommend a hotel to them.

Daisy4569 · 27/12/2021 22:08

Has DB actually said what he wants to happen?!

Porcupineintherough · 27/12/2021 22:08

Oh and what you are offering is totally reasonable OP. Maybe they cant stay w you?

Lifeboats2022 · 27/12/2021 22:10

@BinChicken3

How can Billy function in everyday life with a dog phobia, they’re everywhere?

YANBU.

It's a nightmare of avoidance. It's hellish and not fun or something to just "get over"
PinkWaferBiscuit · 27/12/2021 22:11

@Daisy4569

Has DB actually said what he wants to happen?!
I'd definitely ask him what he thinks you should do. I honestly don't see how you can be any more accommodating without sending the dog away, surely even if you agreed to lock them outside, not that I'd ever advocate such actions, your nephew would still be afraid and on edge wondering if they would get in.

Exactly what is your brothers suggestion?

Floralnomad · 27/12/2021 22:11

You don’t take your dog phobic child to a house where dogs live and expect for the dogs to be removed , they need to stay at a hotel if your very reasonable suggestion of keeping the dogs out of the way is not good enough .

littlepeas · 27/12/2021 22:12

Tough one op. I have a friend whose ds is extremely nervous of dogs (not sure if officially considered phobic) - I have a large golden retriever and have always offered to board him for a night when they visit. I adore my dog but the comfort of my friend's ds is more important and it is only one night - we are also very lucky that we have a fantastic place for ddog to stay where he is very happy indeed, so it is not a big deal.

I secretly think the kid is a bit of a wuss but I still don't want him to be afraid of coming to our house.

givemepiece · 27/12/2021 22:13

I must be mean because the snivelling snowflake remark made me laugh.

Op I have the same issue with SiL, who is 23yrs old. She screams and runs away from the dog if the dog so much as stands up. Obviously screaming and running away means the dog thinks she's playing and it's a vicious circle. We keep the dog in the kitchen and shut the door, I take her out for long walks to get time away from sil and it tends to work.

melj1213 · 27/12/2021 22:13

If you are intending to visit people for an extended period (ie overnight and not just a couple of hours) with animals then you need to accept that there will be a possibility that you will interact with said animals. If that is a genuine impossibility due to such a strong phobia then the visitors are the ones who need to change their plans, it is the height of rudeness and entitlement to demand your hosts lock up their pets for more than a short period of time.

My parents have a border collie who is a massive attention seeker (any new person coming into the house is just another person she can get pets and fusses from) as well as two cats. If someone comes round for the evening/drops in for a cup of tea etc and they aren't fond of cats or dogs then the animals will quite happily go into the utility room for a few hours as it is where they sleep at night anyway and has their beds, food and water bowls as well as plenty of space for them to spread out and nap.

If someone wanted to stay overnight, but was either scared or uncomfortable with the animals then they would have to find other accommodations as it would not be fair to shut all the animals into one room for over 24hrs (other than going out to the garden for a wee or on their daily walk) when they are usually with the family - it would distress them to be shut up away from everyone for such a long time and unlike with children where you can explain what is going on, animals don't have that comprehension.

sbhydrogen · 27/12/2021 22:13

If the dogs are being knowingly kept away from Billy in a separate room then what on earth does your brother think will happen?

They either need to tackle the phobia, stay elsewhere or it's a long day in the car.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 27/12/2021 22:14

There are dogs in the world. They should be paying for therapy for this, he will be much happier if he can get over this phobia, and CBT is best, although some people do well with hypnotherapy. The answer is not to rearrange to world around the phobia, but to treat it.

Cantfindausernamethatsnottaken · 27/12/2021 22:16

As its almost impossible to not see dogs in everyday life,the boy must get help to overcome his phobia.At his age,I am surprised he has not already had counselling or therapy.Its just not practical to live like that.Speak to your brother.

Lifeboats2022 · 27/12/2021 22:18

@givemepiece

I must be mean because the snivelling snowflake remark made me laugh.

Op I have the same issue with SiL, who is 23yrs old. She screams and runs away from the dog if the dog so much as stands up. Obviously screaming and running away means the dog thinks she's playing and it's a vicious circle. We keep the dog in the kitchen and shut the door, I take her out for long walks to get time away from sil and it tends to work.

Do you not understand the mechanics of anxiety in phobias? It may seem irrational and annoying but it can't be controlled once the person is in flight or flight. Adrenalin and cortisol take over thinking brain is relegated to ensure "survival" in a life threatening situation. Obviously this is not one but this is how a phobia works.

Your SIL needs therapy of some sort obviously.

godmum56 · 27/12/2021 22:19

@itwasntaparty

Then they stay somewhere else in a hotel or Airbnb.
This. I have got a dog and a couple of really good friends who are scared of any dogs. They don't come to my house and I don't expect them to. We meet elsewhere. I have controlled my dogs when I have visitors, but I would never shut them away because its not fair. My house my rules. I absolutely sympathise with children and adults with phobias but its not my responsibility and there are limits in what i will do.
Doorawakens · 27/12/2021 22:20

Premier inn

AsYouWishButtercup · 27/12/2021 22:22

@BinChicken3

How can Billy function in everyday life with a dog phobia, they’re everywhere?

YANBU.

I go months without ever encouraging dogs!
Wombat69 · 27/12/2021 22:23

I've just had this drama with relatives.

I'm not sure where they expected me to put my absolute snowflake dogs, one of whom has massive separation anxiety. I don't want guests to feel uncomfortable, so suggested meeting up elsewhere.

Locking the dogs up somewhere would just not have worked as all I would have heard whilst trying to host would have been whining & scratching. Dogs here 24/7, first time in 6 years for relative to visit, so yes, my dogs welfare is my top priority.

It's soured the relationship tho, as extended family members had obv discussed it prior & it became a big drama. Pissed me right off, still pissed off weeks later.

nocoolnamesleft · 27/12/2021 22:23

Got to laugh at all the people who think it's so easy to arrange treatment for a dog phobia in a child. In 20 years of trying I have only once managed to persuade CAMHS to see a child with a phobia, and that was after their needle phobia endangered their life.

rainbowandglitter · 27/12/2021 22:24

The language used on here to describe a child with a phobia is disgusting coming from what I presume is adults. Some of you need to educate yourselves on what a phobia is.

BerthaBlythe · 27/12/2021 22:24

Lovely thread. I have a ds of similar age who is dog phobic. He has had CBT. He’s still deeply phobic.

I just love the “get help” brigade who don’t have the first clue about what therapy is or can realistically achieve.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 27/12/2021 22:25

'I go months without ever encouraging dogs!*
I assume this is an auto correct for encountering and if so I'd say you were very unusual in that regard.

Most days I can't even walk down to the end of my road without seeing someone walking a dog, they are hardly uncommon and I'd imagine most places are similar.

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