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AIBU?

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Original poster

Nephew is dog phobic. Visiting dilemma

634 replies

DaughterOfEvening · 27/12/2021 21:50

I’ve kept this quite vague as my SIL is on here. DB has asked to come and visit us with their children, all three over 6. We don’t live close by, a few hours drive. We have room for them to stay. They have not yet visited our house as we moved during lockdown. Their eldest is 12 and has always been dog phobic (will scream, cry, run away)
Phone call today from DB asking for detailed layout of the house and where the dogs will be as “Billy” won’t be in the same room as a dog. We have two very lazy dogs who sleep for 20+ hours a day. The dogs are not barkers or jumpers.

I have reassured him that neither dog will be wandering around and that they will stay on their respective beds in one room downstairs. The dogs have never been upstairs. Ever.
Brother has said that it’s not enough, that’s it’s nothing personal. He’s just not willing to put Billy under any stress.
I’m not sure if he’s expecting me to shut the dogs outside but if he asked this then my polite response would be oh dear, you have long drive back then.
Should I be more accommodating?

OP posts:
melj1213 · 27/12/2021 23:01

@5zeds

Personally d lock the dog in one room or put them in kennels. Children come first for me.
If you invite yourself to someone's house then you don't get to dictate what they do with their animals during your visit.

You can ask your host to keep their pets away from you for your visit, but if that isn't practical or possible, then you don't get to make unreasonable demands that animals are locked outside for extended periods of time to accommodate you.

XenoBitch · 27/12/2021 23:02

@Boredoutmymind

Wow all the people saying the kid needs therapy or for them not to come over are ridiculous . How many of you are afraid of spiders and snakes. if you visit a house with them you would expect them to be locked up. You wouldn't be expected to get therapy for it. OP keep the dogs in another room and reassure them the dogs can't get out.
I have never met anyone that keeps spiders or snakes let them roam about the house. Many phobic people never seeks treatment.. they just avoid what they are phobic about (I have a severe phobia and avoid the trigger easily). Something like dogs is tricky, as it is virtually impossible to avoid them.
neveradullmoment99 · 27/12/2021 23:03

@TrashyPanda

I don’t see what more you could possibly do.

Your brother is being an arse.

I do feel sorry for his son. Avoidance of all dogs really isn’t possible and his reactions of screaming and running are actually going to make dogs more interested in him. I hope he can get help.

Avoidance of dogs is perfectly possible unless of course you have inconsiderate owners who believe that everyone loves dogs and allow them to roam freely like people.
Blackbird2020 · 27/12/2021 23:04

But he is willing to put Billy under stress. He's bringing Billy to a household that includes dogs. Your brother is prioritising his desire to see your new house over his son's needs. And I would be pointing that out to him

This! Why on earth has this not been said to him yet? Has your DB always ‘ruled the roost’?

I get that your DB wants to rescript the world to better fit his son, but that he expects a wider group to follow suit too is bizarre. He seems to have lost his perspective a little….

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/12/2021 23:04

Some absolutely ridiculous replies on herea

To call a child with a phobia a wet lettuce is disgusting. Would you mock those with mental health issues? Shameful

godmum56 · 27/12/2021 23:05

@DaughterOfEvening

I feel that DB is waiting for me to offer to shut the dogs outside. He won’t ask.

It will be a stalemate. I don’t think they will come. I know he is ABSOLUTELY itching to visit the new house. It’s nothing grand, I just have a very different lifestyle now. I can work permanently from home, no stressful commute, our older children are more independent and the youngest have a safer school environment.

So he dorsn't even want to see you, its the new house he wants to see? Well fuck that.
LazySundayPlease · 27/12/2021 23:07

Your DB is being mean to his son. You don't decide to take your child to stay somewhere there is something they are terrified of. You work on it if possible over time with gradual exposure.

This isn't your problem. It is DB's. I would never do that to my son. If he was that scared, we wouldn't stay in a house with dogs!

Blackbird2020 · 27/12/2021 23:07

And what if you do lock the dogs away, but then they somehow escape and Billy comes across them and has a breakdown. I guess you will cop the blame, not Billy’s father for putting him in that situation in the first place Hmm

jacks11 · 27/12/2021 23:07

If the dogs are in another room, which the child does not have to enter at any time and sounds like is actually separated from the main living areas by a corridor. OP’s nephew would have to deliberately go into the room to encounter them. The dogs do not go upstairs. I have no idea what else your DB expects you to do, OP. I think he is being unreasonable- he wants to visit a house where there are dogs with a dog-phobic child. If the child is so phobic that he cannot cope with being in a house where there are dogs which will be kept in a separate room from him at all times, then it’s not appropriate for them to stay in your home. They need to book a hotel, b&b or rent a cottage or something. Your DB isn’t being fair to you, his son or the dogs, he needs to make a better plan.

saraclara · 27/12/2021 23:07

@AsYouWishButtercup

For my nieces and nephew I think I’d probably try and get a friend or family member to dog sit. A little sympathy for the poor lad wouldn’t go amiss, these people suggesting ways to be awkward about it all are just dicks
Yep. For a genuine phobia on this scale, if there was anyone who'd have the dogs for a couple of days, I'd ask. It's family, and making that gesture would go a long way, I'm sure.

This isn't just a little kid who just hasn't got used to dogs yet. No self-respecting 12 year old chooses to have a fear that is so incredibly debilitating and embarrassing.

Changechangychange · 27/12/2021 23:08

You don’t take your dog phobic child to a house where dogs live

This. I actually have every sympathy with Billy, but it is madness to visit a house with two dogs if you are dog-phobic. Your DBro is being completely unreasonable.

SpilltheTea · 27/12/2021 23:08

If he's not happy with your offer, he'll have to stay elsewhere. Keeping them in one room is good enough. He can't invite himself and then start making demands.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/12/2021 23:08

He's being unkind to his child - if he has that much of a phobia, he's being expected to stay in a house where there are monsters behind a door.

They need to book a hotel and visit, not sleep over.

gogohm · 27/12/2021 23:08

Can you close the door to where the dogs are or put up a baby gate? I think you are being accommodating enough

WimpoleHat · 27/12/2021 23:10

I do not like dogs. I would not want to stay in a house where dogs roamed freely. So if I wanted to see friends or family with dogs in the house, I’d stay elsewhere. Brother wants to come, he accepts the set up…or he stays elsewhere.

BlueShirtGirl · 27/12/2021 23:11

I bloody hate stinky smelly vile shitting dogs! Poor kid!!

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 27/12/2021 23:11

Well, I have a phobic DD and know how real it is... she jumps into the road rather than walk past a dog on a lead, on the same pavement. It's a bloody nightmare and I don't know where it comes from.

That said, I would not be putting the dogs outside. I like Insidelaurashead's idea about having them in rooms and a compromise on both sides.

But to be honest, we have the best results with our DD when we acknowledge that she can't help it, we listen to her and tell her to take her time before trying to meet any dog she's in a space with. Usually she'll realise they are just going about their business and will suddenly tolerate sharing a space, as long as they don't surprise her with close contact. If your dogs are sleepy and gentle then I'd hope the boy would get used to them after a while.

Savoury · 27/12/2021 23:12

In my experience of dog phobias, you just don’t visit a house with a dog except for a fleeting visit If at all. I can’t imagine even putting the dogs away from the family for more than an hour or two.
I would ask your brother what solution he sees as working rather than all this second guessing. If the answer is to keep them outside then I’d just say that it doesn’t work as the dogs will bark/get ill/is cruel. Then offer to meet up half way for lunch some time in the summer.

5zeds · 27/12/2021 23:13

@AllThingsServeTheBeam There is no way I'd send my dog to kennels. He would be out of his mind with stress. so train your dog so he can cope with kennels and find a kennels that suits you and is willing to help you train him. Even better OP could offer to help DN with his phobia. Her old saggy dogs sound ideal.

blahblah789 · 27/12/2021 23:14

I’m in my 30s and have been absolutely petrified of dogs since I was bitten age 6. It doesn’t matter if they’re asleep, if they’re docile, quiet, loud, jumpy, big, small, etc, I cannot be around one without a panic attack. Phobias can be dehabilitating. Please don’t allow your nephew to stay with you unless you are willing to put his peace of mind first. I still feel so upset when a family member tries to make me feel guilty about not entering their house unless I’m absolutely sure the dog will be in a room away from me. And people who say they’ll keep the dog away from me and then allow it to get out are people who I have never visited again as I know they don’t take my fear seriously.
If you can’t accommodate him be upfront, please don’t expect him to get used to your dog, pressure him to stroke or interact with him to “help” him get over it or anything else people constantly try to force on to people who are genuinely afraid

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 27/12/2021 23:14

@BlueShirtGirl

I bloody hate stinky smelly vile shitting dogs! Poor kid!!
Haha 🤣
melj1213 · 27/12/2021 23:14

@Boredoutmymind

Wow all the people saying the kid needs therapy or for them not to come over are ridiculous . How many of you are afraid of spiders and snakes. if you visit a house with them you would expect them to be locked up. You wouldn't be expected to get therapy for it. OP keep the dogs in another room and reassure them the dogs can't get out.
Why is it a bad thing to say that a child who cannot be in the same building as a dog because their phobia is so severe needs therapy? If their phobia is so acute that it affects their daily life to the extent they cannot be in the presence of any dog for any amount of time then they should be supported to get help to overcome that.

If I had a snake/spider phobia and knew a family member had snakes and spiders, I would not be insisting on visiting their home whilst also insisting the spiders and snakes were removed.

The OP has told her DB that the dogs will be in their room, that Billy will not have to associate with them in any way and they will not come into the main living area nor will they go upstairs but that is not enough for him. "Reassuring them that the dogs can't get out" is not enough for the OPs DB and, understandably, the OP has no intention of shutting her dogs outside or spending money to kennel her dogs for her DBs convenience.

RobertaFirmino · 27/12/2021 23:16

And where do people think small children get help for phobias - the Anti-Phobia shop?

Small children? For crying out loud, the boy is 12. Small children, my arse.

MarieKlepto · 27/12/2021 23:17

Oh for heaven's sake. You've suggested all you can OP. If there is no need for the child to go in the room that the dogs are going to be put in and the child is entertained and happy then if you are clever she'll never even know they were in the house. (P.S. Have done this - ex-PIL's dog and ex-SIL's 5 year old - I was tasked with "managing" the dog for the day, happily did it because ex-MIL and dog were lovely - dog was supposed to have been at her friend's. No one ever found out).

sjxoxo · 27/12/2021 23:18

I think he needs to learn to overcome the dog phobia to be honest.. at least somewhat and I think your brother should be helping him to do that. Easier to do that at 6 years old with a family pet than at 35 with a therapist!!

I think a reasonable approach from you is to ensure he is safe (obviously) & the dogs are not up on the sofa, in his face etc bit confined to one area of the house. I think some walks over their stay might actually help your nephew be less afraid.

I know he’s young and frightened but it’s a difficult life to lead if he remains terrified into adulthood. The kindest thing for him is to learn that the fear is irrational. xo