Nephew is dog phobic. Visiting dilemma

[DaughterOfEvening]

I’ve kept this quite vague as my SIL is on here. DB has asked to come and visit us with their children, all three over 6. We don’t live close by, a few hours drive. We have room for them to stay. They have not yet visited our house as we moved during lockdown. Their eldest is 12 and has always been dog phobic (will scream, cry, run away)
Phone call today from DB asking for detailed layout of the house and where the dogs will be as “Billy” won’t be in the same room as a dog. We have two very lazy dogs who sleep for 20+ hours a day. The dogs are not barkers or jumpers.

I have reassured him that neither dog will be wandering around and that they will stay on their respective beds in one room downstairs. The dogs have never been upstairs. Ever.
Brother has said that it’s not enough, that’s it’s nothing personal. He’s just not willing to put Billy under any stress.
I’m not sure if he’s expecting me to shut the dogs outside but if he asked this then my polite response would be oh dear, you have long drive back then.
Should I be more accommodating?

Sorry but he has asked if he can visit, knowing that you have dogs. If he is not happy then he should not come. Just the same as I would not let anyone visiting me bring dogs into my home. It is your home and your rules just as it is my home and my rules.

I did consider doing a short video for Billy showing where the dogs will be and how he will not need to be in the same room. I know he’s not at fault at all.
Just seems a bit needy of me now. I know I’ve done all I can. I’m not willing to turn the dogs outside in this rain. If it was dry and mild I’d be happy for them to be outside for the day and come indoors for bedtime.
It was also patronising that my DB was questioning me so intensely. The kind of phrases that he used were “you’re not making me confident that Billy will be safe” and “it’s nothing personal, you just don’t understand” Maybe something else is going on. We will see what happens tomorrow.

@DaughterOfEvening

I feel that DB is waiting for me to offer to shut the dogs outside. He won’t ask.

It will be a stalemate. I don’t think they will come. I know he is ABSOLUTELY itching to visit the new house. It’s nothing grand, I just have a very different lifestyle now. I can work permanently from home, no stressful commute, our older children are more independent and the youngest have a safer school environment.

Don't ask, don't get.

"Brother has said that it’s not enough, that’s it’s nothing personal. He’s just not willing to put Billy under any stress."
But he is willing to put Billy under stress. He's bringing Billy to a household that includes dogs. Your brother is prioritising his desire to see your new house over his son's needs. And I would be pointing that out to him.

Child has a phobia which will take years of sorting out, there’s no doubt about that. However the dogs also live on your house. You’ve offered up a reasonable solution of keeping the dogs in a room / part of the house that your nephew doesn’t need to go into. Your brother is being unreasonable to expect more (which realistically is keeping the dogs in the garden all the time / possibly overnight which is not acceptable or kennelling the dogs which a lot don’t cope with, especially old ones) he needs to adapt his plans to accommodate his child’s needs.

No issue with it being the dog's home and therefore putting their needs first. However is anybody with a phobia a snivelling little snowflake WinniesHunny? It truly upsets me that anybody would think that way about having a phobia. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible.

I entirely agree! I was phobic of dogs for a while as a child, because one had bitten me. Neither my parents nor I would have dreamt of expecting to stay in a home with a dog and for the owners to shut it out at night. And my parents did eventually get me professional help, which did improve things dramatically. But the idea that anyone with a phobia is a 'snivelling little snowflake' is absolutely vile, and I assume extends to more than just dogs. I would not trust such people to host a child: they would be likely to be at least verbally cruel to a timid child, and to encourage the worst and most bullying instincts in a bolder child.

Well obviously they can’t come if the phobia is that bad. But that’s DB’s problem not yours.

How does DN cope in the street and the park?

@SpiceRat

Child has a phobia which will take years of sorting out, there’s no doubt about that. However the dogs also live on your house. You’ve offered up a reasonable solution of keeping the dogs in a room / part of the house that your nephew doesn’t need to go into. Your brother is being unreasonable to expect more (which realistically is keeping the dogs in the garden all the time / possibly overnight which is not acceptable or kennelling the dogs which a lot don’t cope with, especially old ones) he needs to adapt his plans to accommodate his child’s needs.

Entirely agree!

@Ritasueandbobtoo9

I’m sorry, dogs are animals. Why shouldn’t you accommodate your family and be empathetic???

Some people see dogs as equal to humans….. (I can understand vegans thinking this way a they go out of their way)

though I’m sure the average person that shares this view aren’t vegetarians, never mind vegan…. …….

Its not the same thing exactly but one of my nephews was very nervous about dogs, after he got bitten by one, when they came over, DP spent the day in the bedroom with the dog (win win for him) As it was a one time thing, we didn't mind for the one day, but it did take organising on our part, with making sure he had a long walk before my nephew arrived, plenty of games and treats for him and a long walk after they left.

As a one off, I would accomadate, if something like that could be arranged.

My daughter is scared of dogs (we are slowly making progress but a long way to go) but I wouldn’t expect to come to your house and for you to have to move them. I would arrange to stay somewhere else or meet elsewhere, it’s your dogs home!

@AsYouWishButtercup

This won’t be a popular opinion but he’s you should be more accommodating. People, especially children, with phobias aren’t being awkward or difficult, and phobias can be physically debilitating. Even with sleepy dogs! Can’t you just shut them in your bedroom?

Ops dogs have as much right to be in their house as other family members. I am phobic of slugs but accept that my garden is in fact their home.

My ds is phobic of dogs, has had cbt and still would not relax in a house with a dog..

He did his cbt through camhs . I think we got lucky.

I wouldn't expect the dog to stay outdoors . I think you need to ask brother directly.

Your brother sounds like a dick tbh

Yes ask your db how he thinks it could work and go from there.

DS is scared of dogs but I wouldn't visit somewhere there were dogs if I couldn't compromise (so dogs in rooms we don't need to access as op is offering).

Hotel and visit for short periods?

I think it's crazy your brother is thinking of bring his dog-phobic child to a house with dogs.

I don't like dogs. My friend has 3 German Shepherds, and I will not bring my toddlers to her house. I'm sure she'd say her dogs are well trained. Maybe they are; I don't care. They are animals and act on instinct, so I'll never have my toddlers in the same room as potentially dangerous dogs.

However, I also recognize my friend adores her dogs, and so would never ask her to put her dogs outside so that I could visit.

I think your brother should stay in a hotel, and meet you somewhere outside without the dogs.

I don’t understand why your DB is insisting on/proposing a visit when it will a) expose his child to their phobia and b) cause hassle for you.

Why don’t they just stay in a hotel and visit during the day? It’s unreasonable of him to expect the dogs to suddenly be treated differently in their own home.

I don’t see what more you could possibly do.

Your brother is being an arse.

I do feel sorry for his son. Avoidance of all dogs really isn’t possible and his reactions of screaming and running are actually going to make dogs more interested in him. I hope he can get help.

Personally d lock the dog in one room or put them in kennels. Children come first for me.

Wow all the people saying the kid needs therapy or for them not to come over are ridiculous .
How many of you are afraid of spiders and snakes. if you visit a house with them you would expect them to be locked up. You wouldn't be expected to get therapy for it.
OP keep the dogs in another room and reassure them the dogs can't get out.

Why is he inviting himself and his phobic dc? Seems really odd. Could you visit him instead and kennel the dogs?

I am terrified of dogs as an adult.
Some of the comments on here are shocking regarding the child and are really minimising the fear that dogs bring.
I would personally never stay in a house with dogs. Poor child.
The parents should have found alternative accommodation.

@5zeds

Personally d lock the dog in one room or put them in kennels. Children come first for me.

Op has says they are going to be in one room ffs. There is no way I'd send my dog to kennels. He would be out of his mind with stress.

how does your DB cope in public situations where there will be dogs it must curtail their lives so much. Tough on siblings

Your brother needs to stay elsewhere. He invited himself and can still see you whilst sleeping in a Premier Inn.

I'm not even a dog person!