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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel the rift from my family can never mend?

273 replies

YayDay · 27/12/2021 21:05

My sister had her wedding recently. I had been invited, but a few weeks beforehand she sent a text asking me not to attend her big day.

The backstory is that things were going well between us, then over the summer I discovered through social media that she had a Henparty with my other sister (who she's very close to and was maid of honour), half-sister and our sister-in-laws, but had clearly not told me about it, let alone invite me. It came as a shock, I was very upset and felt really betrayed by all my family who knew about it but obviously kept it quiet from me.
My sister's defence was, 'It's my hen party, so suck it up.'

The family jury was split. Some thought, 'well, she's right it's her hen party and maybe she wanted a different dynamic'. Others thought my hurt was reasonable because, 'you're her sister and it would have been respectful to at least have spoken with you rather than doing things behind your back and for you to find out like that.'

The result meant my sister cancelled my wedding invite. She told me by text, rather any discussion or anything.

Photos have gone up on social media. The whole family had a great time. I guess I'm not supposed to be upset and complain about feeling estranged, because it was her big day?

But I just can't get over how rubbish it felt to be left out - again. Being visibly left out and marginalised suggests there's something wrong with me - and I'm not sure how to feel if it's my family who have done this.

I don't actually know how this family rift can actually mend. It just feels like a really big snub that has gone too far...

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 27/12/2021 21:07

Blimey. That is all so upsetting OP. Has your sister always been so unkind ?

BitterTits · 27/12/2021 21:08

Your sister sounds vile and your family enable her. No you can't get over that and neither should you be expected to capitulate Flowers

No particular backstory?

BrightYellowDaffodil · 27/12/2021 21:09

I would walk away from the lot of them, they sound utterly toxic.

What is their reasoning g for leaving you out of things but including everyone else?

BitterTits · 27/12/2021 21:09

I also think you need to make it very clear to your family, in case she's glossed over it, that she rescinded the invitation.

TooWicked · 27/12/2021 21:12

Yes, you’re right, uninviting someone from your wedding will probably cause an unresolvable rift.

Tbh we should (and now wish we had) have uninvited SIL to our wedding as the shit she caused leading up to it was relentless and she’s continued in that vein ever since to the point where now, 20 years later, I’m done with her.

I think there must be far more back story that you haven’t included.

YayDay · 27/12/2021 21:15

@SirVixofVixHall

She's the youngest sibling, so the baby of the family. Tbh she's usually alright, but maybe I now see she has always been spoilt - and selfish.

It's such a tricky one, because it was her hen party and wedding. By being upset that I wasn't told about the hen party or invited, I was accused of "trying to make it about me"... maybe I should have stayed quiet Confused and pretended I hadn't noticed they had excluded me from the hen party. Was it unreasonable that I felt hurt being excluded? Did I have a right to feel like that?

Told not to attend the wedding as well was just another kick in the teeth. I don't know what to do going forwards...

OP posts:
idkAusername · 27/12/2021 21:16

This is horrible sorry you've been through this op. I can't grasp how your family have gone without you, unless there's a lot of history you haven't mentioned.
To uninvited you to her wedding and not even include you in her do when you're her sister is unforgivable in my opinion. How do you get in with the rest of your family? Is she jealous of you?

Doesntfeellikexmas · 27/12/2021 21:17

There's has to be a reason she felt you shouldn't be there or you would effect the dynamic.

GoatInCaptivity · 27/12/2021 21:19

I'm struggling to understand OP.

There's surely more to this?

What was your relationship like prior to the hen party?

It seems so odd to not invite you out of the blue and then swiftly revoke your wedding invitation.

Coronawireless · 27/12/2021 21:25

How upsetting and nasty.
There was a recent thread where someone’s DP’s sis had behaved so badly that they planned to uninvite her to their wedding. Apparently the DSis had caused previous rows and accused people of leaving her out. I still thought, how utterly unkind and horrible to exclude her, and I felt that the OP was painting herself in an overly flattering light. But I was surprised at how many posters supported excluding the SIL - “it’s your day, hun” etc.
Imo no matter what you’ve ever done, short of attempted murder or assault, to exclude you from a wedding that your whole family is invited to says far more about the Dsis than about you.
What does the rest of your family think? Has anyone tried to stand up for you?

Mooloolabababy · 27/12/2021 21:25

Wow, Total shitty behaviour on her part!!
Is there a back story? Do you usually get on well? Had you fallen our prior to the hen do?

YayDay · 27/12/2021 21:26

@TooWicked

The backstory is that I have a condition, so having me at the hen party would have meant taking my condition into account. I may have understood that if she had discussed that was the reason beforehand. I would have preferred to have been given the choice, rather than them deciding for me.

OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 27/12/2021 21:27

I really can't imagine this being ok in any family i know.

Unless there is a reason why you'd spoil hen party then the bride would have to suck up having all sisters there.

Coronawireless · 27/12/2021 21:27

[quote YayDay]@TooWicked

The backstory is that I have a condition, so having me at the hen party would have meant taking my condition into account. I may have understood that if she had discussed that was the reason beforehand. I would have preferred to have been given the choice, rather than them deciding for me.[/quote]
Does the condition involve you losing control and assaulting people? Tbh I could understand if that was the problem. Otherwise it seems wrong.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 27/12/2021 21:32

Well obviously she was worried you would upstage her... Because she is an awful bratty madam and you aren't...
Leave them to it imo.

ittakes2 · 27/12/2021 21:33

Regardless of the any potential backstory - I am sorry but she clearly has not respect for you or your feelings. So yes I personally would avoid her now and spend your time and energy on decent people who care about you and you care about them. Friends are the family you choose.

thatsallineed · 27/12/2021 21:36

How do your parents feel about you being so publicly shunned?

statetrooperstacey · 27/12/2021 21:38

So how did you express your hurt to your sister about not being invited to your hen party?

DisforDarkChocolate · 27/12/2021 21:38

They all sound shit but I would have loved a chance to avoid a hen party, my idea of hell. My sister is getting married soon and I'm hoping she won't ask me, if she does I'll be hoping she's not offended when I say no.

For you, this your family enabling your sisters poor behaviour. Sometimes we just have to come to terms with what we cannot change and react accordingly.

Nailsbythesea · 27/12/2021 21:40

My sister came to my wedding. She stomped her foot as she wasn’t my bridesmaid. She came to the hen do and was foul. She overtook the wedding car by going up and over the grass bank on the left hand side of the narrow drive to the abbey overtaking me and my Dad is a Rolls Royce - she parked her sports car right in front of the abbey leaving us no where to park - she sat in the front row and huffed throughout the ceremony.
She refused to check the bouquet. Cried and wailed when my father said things about a wedding speech that were nice about me and got up and walked out with a face like thunder during the first dance.

She didn’t invite me to hers. It was an irreversible rift now that can not be healed.

For other family they have to gloss over it - but they can see you 1-2-1 and express how they feel.

I will never forgive my sister after she ruined mine.

Suspiciousmind20 · 27/12/2021 21:41

That’s awful OP. I can’t imagine any condition that warrants this. Unless it results in behaviour that would be intolerable at special events may be. I can’t think of a condition that fits that though. Even in that situation she should have spoken to you and explained.

Hercisback · 27/12/2021 21:41

This all sounds like such rubbish behaviour from them. Is there a back story or are they arseholes?

Figgygal · 27/12/2021 21:42

Fuck the lot of them op
Outrageously shitty Behaviour

Xiaoxiong · 27/12/2021 21:43

I once went on a hen do where there was one hen who seemingly couldn't do anything - she didn't drink, so didn't enjoy the cocktail making. She was vegan, and we went to a steak house in the City (bride's favourite restaurant). She didn't like singing/wasn't drunk enough to enjoy other people's drunk singing so didn't enjoy karaoke, and then didn't like dancing so sat by herself at a table in the club we went to. She did kind of ruin the vibe tbh as she sat there looking sour all day, and the rest of us did wonder what was going on there (I was a uni friend, this was a relation of the bride). Maybe your sister thought you would be that hen and not enjoy yourself?

She should still have explained her reasoning to you beforehand though - really thoughtless and hurtful just to keep it quiet and let you find out later that you'd been left out.

Mary46 · 27/12/2021 21:44

God awful op. I think you best off away from them from reading your thread. Not nice though. Families can be nasty

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