To feel the rift from my family can never mend?

[YayDay]

My sister had her wedding recently. I had been invited, but a few weeks beforehand she sent a text asking me not to attend her big day.

The backstory is that things were going well between us, then over the summer I discovered through social media that she had a Henparty with my other sister (who she's very close to and was maid of honour), half-sister and our sister-in-laws, but had clearly not told me about it, let alone invite me. It came as a shock, I was very upset and felt really betrayed by all my family who knew about it but obviously kept it quiet from me.
My sister's defence was, 'It's my hen party, so suck it up.'

The family jury was split. Some thought, 'well, she's right it's her hen party and maybe she wanted a different dynamic'. Others thought my hurt was reasonable because, 'you're her sister and it would have been respectful to at least have spoken with you rather than doing things behind your back and for you to find out like that.'

The result meant my sister cancelled my wedding invite. She told me by text, rather any discussion or anything.

Photos have gone up on social media. The whole family had a great time. I guess I'm not supposed to be upset and complain about feeling estranged, because it was her big day?

But I just can't get over how rubbish it felt to be left out - again. Being visibly left out and marginalised suggests there's something wrong with me - and I'm not sure how to feel if it's my family who have done this.

I don't actually know how this family rift can actually mend. It just feels like a really big snub that has gone too far...

Go nc the lot of them they don’t deserve you in their lives hugs.

What exactly did you do when you found out about the hen party that meant your sister texted to ask you not to attend her wedding?

It’s hard to know if she is a bit of a spoilt brat or if you’re a nightmare of a sister.

This is such a mean-spirited post. It sounds very much like victim blaming.

@Seedandyarn "How did you react when you found out about the hen party?"

I was shocked, so I messaged my sister and she called me.

When my sister said, "well, it's my hen party so suck it up" during the call, I became very upset over the phone.

So, she put the phone down (didn't want to deal with me being upset when she'd had a lovely hen party weekend). Then, she blocked me on social media (but I was still in touch with other family members/mutual friends so I could still see some uploaded photos).
Then literally the next contact I had from my sister was a text message in the weeks before her wedding telling me not to attend "to prevent any arguments or drama".

I had been speaking with the family jury between my sister putting the phone down on me and her text cancelling my invite. But I only spoke to the family jury because my sister decided to stick her head in the sand instead of speaking with me - and I needed to know where I stood. Maybe that stirred things up? That's why I wonder if I should have just stayed quiet and accepted that's her hen party and I should have been happy for her.

I found her text to be sanctimonious because she was the one to start the whole thing off by excluding me from even knowing about her hen party. However, I respected her wishes and didn't attend the wedding as she asked. The last thing I want is to give her any excuses to use against me.

It's just that I feel I'm having to pay the price for the estrangement, which wouldn't have happened had so simply consulted me about the hen party. Estrangement sucks. It's awful. And, yes, I feel a bit pathetic and self-pitying, but how am I supposed to feel? I'm finding that the bitterness is consuming and I don't like how it feels, so I need a way through.

Alright. I have some reassurances that I'm probably right that this is unresolvable. Weddings are too big to be publicly shunned from. There's no going back. It's just that I had better expectations from my family.

Weddings really can bring out the worst in people under the banner of ‘it’s my/our day’ and I’ve never understand why in order to have that perfect day you have to be unkind or make people you are supposed to love or care about feel shit and how other family members sign up to that too.
I’m really sorry not only your sister but other families members went along with you first being excluded and completely unaware of the hen in the first place. At the least you should have known it was happening and I would be hurt another family member didn’t force that.
The ‘trying to make it about you’ is a shit line and another reason why weddings put family/guests in an impossible situation that is hard to forget after the day.
I had my perfect day but also went out of my way to not make anyone close to me feel shit or uncomfortable as actually knowing I had done to that anyone would have meant I didn’t have the perfect day but unfortunately like you I have first hand experience of a sibling doing just that to me, making decisions based on my circumstances that they don’t understand and expecting me to do things that will make me feel really uncomfortable if I want to be involved in their day.
You’re more than allowed to feel hurt by another’s actions and it being their wedding is a cop out but I hope you don’t beat yourself up over someone else being a shit, and if things can be resolved and you want them to be, you have that chance on your terms.

Gosh that’s shocking behaviour from your family @YayDay. I’m so sorry.

Your mum sounds as complicit as your sister with her excuses. Are they like this about your disability on a day to day basis?

As to people saying there ‘must’ be a backstory and you ‘must’ have done something to make your sister like this - ignore.
There is something about disability and illness that brings out the spoiled brat in people who hate not being the centre of everyone’s attention. Any accommodation for you will have meant your sister not being the ‘queen’ - your mother clearly aides this.

I would be very Frank with your family about your upset but also wouldn’t hold my breath that they will hold themselves in any way accountable.

@UserBot99 and @Sid077 - are spot on.

Your family is so dysfunctional, toxic and irrational. Anything you say will be repurposed into bullets to shoot you with.

You are the family scapegoat.

Seriously take yourself out of punching distance.

Don’t expect any apology, acknowledgment or empathy because they are not capable and you would be wasting precious emotional energy on a futile attempt to change their perspective.

Instead focus on other individuals who value and appreciate you where your feel respected and are treated with kindness.

I am in a very similar situation to you. I am two years through the hell of estrangement (some members have tried to hoover me back but I don’t trust their motives) - I never bad mouth them to anyone - I will not triangulate anyone else and don’t need others to validate my experience or hurt. I have built fabulous and better more enriching relationships with friends and other family members because I have the time and headspace after relieving myself of my tormentors. It’s been exceptionally painful - especially at this time of the year - when I want the possibility of civil sibling relationships - but they don’t have the capacity to self reflect or consider their impact on others.

I am sorry that so many people have let you down.

Oh op how difficult for you.

I’m limited mobility. We go away with Dhs family annually. His family go out of their way in finding where to stay, eat & activities that I can join in with. And I understand you wanting to try & heal the rift. But I’m pretty certain you are often the scapegoat & your sister the golden child.

@yayday I can see how it happened now. She was in the wrong for not inviting you to the hen party.

If you tell someone that they hurt you, their reaction is often to get angry and defensive about it. Her reaction is of someone that knows she hurt you but doesn't want to hear what she did.

Then she didn't want more arguments about it as hen party is close to the wedding. So more arguments would ruin the time coming up to the wedding and the wedding itself.

I can see how it happened.

She is still wrong and very selfish.

She doesn't sound like the type of person that will ever admit that she was wrong or acknowledge that she hurt someones feelings

Taking this at face value, they’re really unkind and you need to distance yourself from all of them. And make sure everyone knows why.
How disgusting- it’s not you OP, it’s definitely them

@BitterTits

What exactly did you do when you found out about the hen party that meant your sister texted to ask you not to attend her wedding?

It’s hard to know if she is a bit of a spoilt brat or if you’re a nightmare of a sister.

This is such a mean-spirited post. It sounds very much like victim blaming.

Not intended to be victim blaming, but highlighting the fact the OP is giving us a very one sided view. Obviously we only get what the OP can see on a thread, but this time it is particularly lacking on any description of the OP’s own actions, or how any of the conflict went down. The OP talks about a “right” to be consulted and describes her sister as spoilt and selfish, so clearly kind of looks down on her anyway.

So it may be that the whole of the OP’s family are awful and she has been treated deplorably that is definitely a possibility but being more than adequately covered by everyone else or it might be that she is the toxic relative who is being “managed” by a younger sister at the end of her rope in the middle of a very stressful time and parents who are just tired of trying to find a way through the drama.

There is obviously a backstory here which is why you were not invited OP. However I do think she should have told you why, unless you already know why.

NumberTheory Completely agree we are getting a very biased view without the full facts here. She hasn't stated why her condition would affect the hen do could be, mental health issue, addiction? They have a fragile relationship and was in the progress of rebuilding so clearly their history between them which op has failed to mention. I suspect there is alot of drip feeding that will happen within the thread. I don't necessarily think it's OK to quickly blame the family when it's possible there's more to the situation.

Oh OP, I’m assuming you have a physical disability from an accident that also gave you the ptsd? If this is correct I’m so very sorry you’ve been so badly treated. I have a step sibling who has a disability- in the 20 years I’ve known them her siblings have always made sure she is involved, included and looked after. I’m so sorry yours have let you down - I really hope you have support elsewhere, I would bin them going forward.

@Bananarama21

NumberTheory Completely agree we are getting a very biased view without the full facts here. She hasn't stated why her condition would affect the hen do could be, mental health issue, addiction? They have a fragile relationship and was in the progress of rebuilding so clearly their history between them which op has failed to mention. I suspect there is alot of drip feeding that will happen within the thread. I don't necessarily think it's OK to quickly blame the family when it's possible there's more to the situation.

OP has already said she has a physical disability and PTSD. You're projecting a lot in this post - she has also said they have normal ups and downs but nothing untoward.

OP, what do you mean by 'the family jury'? Is that a phrase that's been used on here?

She hasn't stated why her condition would affect the hen do could be, mental health issue, addiction

OP mentioned being active before she became disabled so it's obviously a physical disability.

yayday I hate to say this but it may perhaps be a pertinent question - has the behaviour of your sister ( and mother) towards you changed at all, or worsened, since your disability?

As it is, I would ditch the sister and just have contact with the family members who are more supportive. Sod the rest.

Sorry you are feeling pushed out OP.

I mean this in the gentlest way possible but some people don’t see weddings as a family event, rather it is “their special day” so they get to invite anyone and everyone they want.... which would just so happen to usually include the majority of their family.

It was nasty to revoke the invitation in the way she did, but since there had just been an argument, she may have feared that this drama would spill over into a day that she has meticulously planned, sacrificed and probably saved for.

Certainly think the kinder thing to do would have been to talk to you about it and try to sort it out beforehand but the wedding/Hen Do is ultimately her party so she gets to decide on how to make it the best experience for her.

Please don’t fall out with the rest of your family, they likely had no say over the guest list and didn’t want to muscle in on their adult children’s business.

Just things from a different perspective.

To be frank, I don’t think it should matter a deal what ‘the back story’ is. This is OPs sister, who didn’t say anything about a hen party to OP and disinvited her to her wedding when OP found out and said something. Most of us would be hurt in that situation. Even if your relationship with your sibling is rocky, disinviting them to your wedding is crappy. And for OP’s mum to be making excuses about it…JFC.

Nailsbythesea what the hell have I just read? I’m sorry that she ruined your day in that way.

I’m sorry for your hurt too op. I have a very strained relationship with my sister who is the youngest in the family, she is very entitled and spoilt. I told my mum the other day that if I were homeless on the street and somebody offered me a hot chocolate, she’d be seething with jealousy! Our lives are very intertwined unfortunately, I often think about cutting her off when she’s done another hurtful thing but somehow I grit my teeth, to the detriment of my mental health I suspect. Family are also enablers. Trouble is, I don’t know if I could live without her or my family in general, if we were all divided. I’m pretty lonely as it is so..

I completely understand your pain and injustice and when you said it was eating away at you, I get that too. I hope in time that you accept what has happened and find happiness elsewhere. Time is a great healer I suppose.

NRTFT just ops updates

I don’t think you should have been “consulted” on the hen party, but I do think your sister should have afforded you the respect to explain that you would be the only one not invited and why. She could have done something separate with you. Especially if you have a good relationship.

Your family are definitely pricks for treating you this way. They sound toxic for they way they are pushing this on you. Your parents do not have your best interests at heart, I do not think I could ever attend the hen party of one of my daughters knowing one had been excluded like this. Not unless there is far more to the story. Same with the wedding. To exclude you the way your sister has, as a parent I’d been insisting on some kind of face to face to fix things. Ultimately I understand it’s the brides day, but by choosing to go to the wedding your parents have picked sides, effectively saying the way your sister has treated you is ok.

I’d be going NC and moving on knowing I’d be better off without them in my life.

it's really hard to say without knowing more.

Firstly: hen parties are often organised FOR people rather than BY them. It may well be the case that she wasn't involved in initial planning, or someone else made decisions that made it unsuitable for you. It doesn't sound like you were super close with her anyway (like on bridesmaid level) so it makes sense that the planning took place by others without your input.

Secondly we don't know the nature of your disabilities and how that would have affected a hen party. What you've said could range from might need to sit out occasional activity/book accessible location all the way to complete dampner. If you can't be around alcohol, have mood swings, are in need of their constant vigilance then it's not entirely fair on them.

I don't think you have a right to be consulted unfortunately--sadly it seems you were not consulted as you were not on her list of MUST have theres, or at least the list of the organiser. HOWEVER it should have been communicated to you that you weren't on the list, it's shitty for you to find out like that. BUT again with hen parties there's a chance she didn't know you were unaware.

What was your relationship like before? It could (being super harsh) be that your relationship is just not that good, that she's willing to spend time with you but that when it comes to occasions that are 'her' day she's just not that interested.

Thirdly: the conversation where you raised hen party with her: again I would be really interested to hear her side of things. It could be that she felt guilty over the whole thing being handled badly, it could be that she's evil, it could be that your behaviour was innapropriate. We can't tell. It sounds like there was a lot of back and forth with family about a situation she considered closed, ahead of her wedding, that resulted in her asking you to stop making drama and saying not to come. Again, would really need to see whether this was concerned questions or attempts to create a family rift ahead of wedding.

Fourthly: when it comes to your dad offering to bring you, I think this was a big peace offering and I do think you should have taken it. I wouldn't keep saying 'nothing to wear' because this makes you look petty, when the actual reason was that you were uncomfortable as you weren't sure if she was ok with you coming. I think you should have asked your parents to speak to her at this point and get permission to attend, and I think you should have gone.

I do wonder if the conversation went so badly because of your repeated insistence that you should have been 'consulted' about the hen doo? Which you have no right, ultimately it's a party for her and you get no veto over the details. You don't have any right to be invited either, as it sounds the relationship is already a bit rocky. It's totally fair to expect however that you are TOLD and there is no going behind backs--that is fair enough.

You're an older sister and I can totally understand why a younger sister would be upset that her hen do needs to be approved by you, that you get a veto and get to be consulted. To which she seemingly responded 'well it's my hen party so suck it up'--which is not very nice but also is true.

She easily could have had a hen party to suit your needs she sounds like she's about age 2 and extremely spoilt. I would be very disappointed with any parent that could stand by and allow that to happen. for you

I don't think a rift is ever that big that it cannot be mended providing everyone is willing to try and mend it.
You wish to continue to see your family it may be worth asking a mutual friend to facilitate a conversation with your sister to work out why the situation broke down and to try and find a way forward. Good luck x

Yep. I don't think your dad would have offered to take you had he not had some kind of permission to do so from the bride. So you saying you didn't have an outfit, and seeming to need to be reinvited by your sister, has made you seem petty.

I also wonder what this bit of the phone call actually sounded like:
When my sister said, "well, it's my hen party so suck it up" during the call, I became very upset over the phone.

Very upset could mean being quietly tearful, or something very different. If your sister was on the end of something very emotionally dramatic or difficult, that would explain some of this (not that I'm condoning what she said)

I would also like more detail to make sense of this - what did you actually say about the hen party? How much would they have had to change it to accommodate you? What do you mean by 'got upset'. What conversations had happened before your sister told you to suck it up? What is the family jury and why did you feel the need to get them involved?

I agree with the others about 'nothing to wear'. I find it hard to believe that you had literally nothing - a summer dress, smart trousers - to wear. You don't have to be dolled up to the nines. Did you ask your dad whether your sister had asked him to invite you? if not why not?