To feel the rift from my family can never mend?

[YayDay]

My sister had her wedding recently. I had been invited, but a few weeks beforehand she sent a text asking me not to attend her big day.

The backstory is that things were going well between us, then over the summer I discovered through social media that she had a Henparty with my other sister (who she's very close to and was maid of honour), half-sister and our sister-in-laws, but had clearly not told me about it, let alone invite me. It came as a shock, I was very upset and felt really betrayed by all my family who knew about it but obviously kept it quiet from me.
My sister's defence was, 'It's my hen party, so suck it up.'

The family jury was split. Some thought, 'well, she's right it's her hen party and maybe she wanted a different dynamic'. Others thought my hurt was reasonable because, 'you're her sister and it would have been respectful to at least have spoken with you rather than doing things behind your back and for you to find out like that.'

The result meant my sister cancelled my wedding invite. She told me by text, rather any discussion or anything.

Photos have gone up on social media. The whole family had a great time. I guess I'm not supposed to be upset and complain about feeling estranged, because it was her big day?

But I just can't get over how rubbish it felt to be left out - again. Being visibly left out and marginalised suggests there's something wrong with me - and I'm not sure how to feel if it's my family who have done this.

I don't actually know how this family rift can actually mend. It just feels like a really big snub that has gone too far...

Ye gods, your mother sounds like an uncaring unforgiving cow, & your baby sister follows her lead. Just my happenthworth.

A lot of good sense has been posted on this thread, plenty of reasonable perspectives to counter my indignation on your behalf.

There does seem to be some unfinished business about your disability & the impact this has had on your life, & how your family sees you & how they have been affected.

I was surprised at the assumptions made about you & your disability.

It is reasonable for those close to you to consider & consult with you to make sure you are included, not to leave you out, e.g. can YayDay park her car by the door, is the venue accessible for YD, no flashing lights/well lit for lip reading etc. It is hurtful & disrespectful to not consider you & say this is because of your disability.

If someone does not like you, fair enough it is their hen & wedding. But you are all family, so the social rules as such do not apply as family dynamics trump all of that polite stuff - family gets invites.

BTW, your dad did offer & you could have gone with him. Have a chat with him, make good between you, maybe go out for lunch.
Please don’t squander his goodwill.

Reading between the lines, your dad was likely sent as the peacemaker the night before as your sister knew that she had been hasty & petulant to rescind your invitation, & your absence would be noticed at the wedding.

You were understandably upset, but you dropped the ball by not going.

Family jury? What is this? Who constitutes this group, where is the constitution? It sounds like your sister got it in the neck about her hen from the family enforcers, so bit back by cancelling your invitation. But then was nudged to sort that out hence your dad’s mission with the olive branch.

Your family dynamics are complex. You all seem to feed off each other, lots of drama, scapegoating/bad dog stuff, & then a wedding to bring out the best in people.

You can come back from this. Start small & local with your dad to build the peace, discuss with him what happened, build the trust back up.

Are the family jury mostly from your mum’s side?

You have a family jury? Who's on it? Does it preside over family disputes? Can it overrule other people? I never heard anything like that before, it's fascinating.

I understand you're upset but you're going to cut yourself off from your entire family over this? I think that's an over-reaction.

"My mum then justified the day after the wedding that, "Well Dad offered to take you, but you declined" - knowing full well I didn't have an outfit sorted in time because Dad only offered to take me the night before and it was complicated by the fact the Bride had cancelled my invite. I couldn't just gatecrash - I'm too anxious to do stuff like that."

I feel for you OP, what a mess, and how upset you must be. It would be interesting to hear the other side, and you've also said you'd like to know why you weren't invited to the hen do - which could be for any number of reasons, valid or otherwise - but being uninvited to the actual wedding is a complete slap in the face. Beacause your mum seems to think you should have gone with your dad, I suggest you take a screenshot of your sister's text uninviting you, and send that to both your parents, asking their advice as how best to move forward with this whole unpleasant situation.

Don't just forward the text - taking a screenshot will show the date and time it was sent, and prove it really happened, and justify why you wouldn't go with your dad. Don't mention not having an outfit, you could have put something together even if it wasn't actually organised for the wedding, but make sure they understand it was being specifically uninvited, in writing, so no possibility of misunderstanding, that stopped you attending.

Tell them how hurt and miserable you feel, like you're not a valued member of the family, then wait to see how they respond, and take it from there. Good luck to you, I hope you find some sort of peace..

@Flowers500 - I have been reflecting on why I wanted consultation. Since becoming disabled I have noticed that it has impacted my inclusivity in general. I wanted to stress inclusivity to my sister (and family), but that backfired because, like you say, they have no obligations to be inclusive - and maybe they resent having to accommodate someone who has special needs now. I appreciate it's not easy and takes its toll.

The bottom line for me is also about a breakdown of trust. I literally saw my siblings the week before and they all knew it was my sister's hen party was coming up. They must all have agreed not to talk about the hen party in my presence. So, they were keeping a secret, so that feels like the exclusion was very intentional. And I'm not sure I can ever trust my family again in the future, because I feel so deceived. Like other posters have said, it boils down to respect. But, for me, it's also about trust too - without trust I don't feel a healthy relationship with the family is even possible.

From the wedding photos you'd think I didn't exist. Looking at the pictures, I felt invisible, even though I do exist and I am alive. I guess appearances are deceptive.

Gosh. I feel greater empathy for Maleficent now - there's a reason she's bitter about not being invited and it's understandable that she seeks retribution. Like I said, it's hard to know how to respond to bitterness and being so publicly shunned because it feels like I'm being made out as the "problem". If I am the "problem", then the family won't miss me if I walk away.

Estrangement is rubbish and feels so unjust. But I'm also not a stranger to overcoming adversity, so I will get through this somehow. I have to keep things in perspective, otherwise the bitterness will eat away.

I wrote this OP to gauge how reasonable I was in thinking the rift was irreversible. Was there hope with my family? Looks like it is game over with my family. What a way to end the year.

But maybe, new doors will open in the new year. I'll find a way. I always do.

Thank you for the responses. You've given me lots to ponder. I don't want to be part of a family who don't truly want or love me. So, I'll slip away somewhere that I feel welcomed. Here's to hope. And I must sleep because feeling this sad just isn't good for my health.

@madisonbridges

You have a family jury? Who's on it? Does it preside over family disputes? Can it overrule other people? I never heard anything like that before, it's fascinating.

I understand you're upset but you're going to cut yourself off from your entire family over this? I think that's an over-reaction.

Oh the Family Jury was just canvassing what others in our family thought so I could to get advice on what to do and how I should react to the situation - was I being reasonable and what I should do. However, I think my sister may have interpreted me sharing what happened with the hen party as stirring, because "it's her hen party" and "her wedding", so what other family members think/thought didn't actually count. On reflection, I think I misinterpreted the matter as a family affair, rather than my sister's big day.

I associate Weddings, Christenings and Funerals as Family Events. If I was not at the wedding, then that probably means I won't be at the Christenings or Funerals either.

I've read your posts, what jumped out at me too was things were going well between us well, why wouldn't they be if you are sisters?
There sounds like there's a backstory

@saraclara "Yep. I don't think your dad would have offered to take you had he not had some kind of permission to do so from the bride. So you saying you didn't have an outfit, and seeming to need to be reinvited by your sister, has made you seem petty."

Dad definitely did not have permission from the bride. I checked with my brother. Apparently, Dad had invited others (who did actually attend the wedding) without asking my sister and she was annoyed; my brother had to tell Dad off.

If my sister wanted me there then it would have come from her or another sibling, not Dad.

@NoNotMeNoSiree

I've read your posts, what jumped out at me too was things were going well between us well, why wouldn't they be if you are sisters? There sounds like there's a backstory

I explained. Things were going well between us, so I had no reason to think they wouldn't...

Since becoming disabled I have noticed that it has impacted my inclusivity in general. I wanted to stress inclusivity to my sister (and family), but that backfired because, like you say, they have no obligations to be inclusive - and maybe they resent having to accommodate someone who has special needs now. I appreciate it's not easy and takes its toll.

This hit me like a punch in the face. I often feel this way, and it is so utterly awful. Please surround yourself with people who love you and don't think you an inconvenience. Walk away from this toxicity. They are all complicit and all lied to you. Protect yourself. Wishing you much better for the new year.

There is no coming back from being dis-invited to your own sister's wedding and purposly being excluded from hen party. I would cut her and your crap family out of your life and focus on friends who care about you.

They are awful OP. Sorry you had to go through this, if you're around them, it would be fake as they clearly can't be truthful. You deserve better and just because they're family, doesn't mean they get to treat you so appallingly.

Distance yourself from them and be around people who love and care about you. New doors will open and you will be happy without them.

I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I recently told someone I was hurt over their actions, and the result was making the relationship worse rather than clearing the air. Certainly has out me off bing honest with my feelings
These are your family, they should be making this right for you

@grapewine

There's a chapter about 'Disability' in a book called, "Compelling People: The Hidden Qualities That Make us Influential". Really insightful.

[quote YayDay]@grapewine

There's a chapter about 'Disability' in a book called, "Compelling People: The Hidden Qualities That Make us Influential". Really insightful.[/quote]
Thank you I will look for the book.

Know how you feel @YayDay. I get excluded from lots of things too. We're a family of 4. Rest of the family get invited eg to cousins wedding, I do not.

Enough decades of it and, well, you stop focussing on it and get on with your own life.

I've to decided that I won't be attending my sister's 50th. Went to her 40th at significant cost, which I couldn't really afford at the time. She did not see me at all in the year of my 40th (I'm easy going, would have settled for a visit when they were in the same city as me) and has not visited me at all in the intervening 9 years despite regularly staying in the same city and me trying to arrange lunch / coffee / park visit to play with the puppy I got 6 years ago etc. I'm done. I'll have a work emergency when it's her birthday.

@grapewine

Since becoming disabled I have noticed that it has impacted my inclusivity in general. I wanted to stress inclusivity to my sister (and family), but that backfired because, like you say, they have no obligations to be inclusive - and maybe they resent having to accommodate someone who has special needs now. I appreciate it's not easy and takes its toll.

This hit me like a punch in the face. I often feel this way, and it is so utterly awful. Please surround yourself with people who love you and don't think you an inconvenience. Walk away from this toxicity. They are all complicit and all lied to you. Protect yourself. Wishing you much better for the new year.

I second this

But also wanted to add that while including people with disabilities isn't easy, as you say, it is something that most decent people are willing to do without resentment or indeed even a great deal of thinking...it becomes almost second nature to realise that x may need somewhere more accessible or y may need extra time to rest etc.... if you respect and care for the person involved.

Your sister strikes me as a Bridezilla with a "vision" of her perfect Instagram worthy day. And anyone with something visibly different would have wrecked her perfect pictures. Like those Bridezillas who demand people dye their hair or lose weight or cover their tattoos because it ruins their aesthetic.

She seems shallow and immature. Maybe in time she will realise how callous and vile she was.

I would be more hurt by the pact of silence they all had.

No one choses to be disabled and they should be ashamed of the way they treated you.

She sounds horrible. I think you’ve had a lucky escape tbh.

In terms of the other members of the family they will be enjoying the events at the moment because it’s all exciting but your sisters character will be judged forever. Character is everything.

Also, anyone who thinks she hasn’t done anything wrong, don’t bother with them, it is plain as day that this utterly awful so they definitely don’t have your best interests at heart.

When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. Walk away - don’t allow her to make amends when all the excitement is over for the interests of her own conscience.

Honestly OP, I was kind of with you until the family jury part. That sounds like pot stirring and drama instigating. That may not have been your intent, but it’s what happens when bring others into a disagreement.

At that point I’m going to have to side with your sister, based on what you’ve said. I’m sure from her point of view you were already stirring up the family and she’s not wrong for not wanting that at her wedding.

I wouldn’t and didn’t when a similar but not similar situation arose with my future SIL…so much so I called my FIL, and told him my DH, really wanted everyone to come, but not if they were going to be a pain the ass. It may have been wrong of me, but I basically told him we didn’t want to hear one more complaint, gripe, sneer, or anything and their job was from that point to show up with smiles and support their son or stay home. Clearly there was a lot leading up to this discussion. And I’m sure if one of them was writing for advice, I’d come out the ogre.

Now does all this mean that your family relationships are over or if they should be… nobody here has enough information to say.

But one piece of advice is stop bringing others into your disagreements. It never solves anything and almost always makes things worse.

This is very sad op. What kind of activity did they do that you couldn't take part in? Could it have been adapted for you?

Is there a feeling from your sister/family that your disability is played up by you? Or that they don’t take it seriously?

It’s such an awful way to behave - but mostly your mother and father. They should be setting the example and insisting you’re included.

Have you been disabled for long? Is this perhaps them struggling with an adjustment to your accident/what happened? Not that it excuses it.

@YayDay your family is outrageous. My sister and I were not in good terms leading up to my wedding. My father put his foot down and told her she either comes to my wedding or she won't be a part of our family any more. She came and to be honest I didn't want her there but it meant a lot to my father to have the whole family there

Playing up disability - seriously?

@saltinesandcoffeecups

Honestly OP, I was kind of with you until the family jury part. That sounds like pot stirring and drama instigating. That may not have been your intent, but it’s what happens when bring others into a disagreement.

At that point I’m going to have to side with your sister, based on what you’ve said. I’m sure from her point of view you were already stirring up the family and she’s not wrong for not wanting that at her wedding.

I wouldn’t and didn’t when a similar but not similar situation arose with my future SIL…so much so I called my FIL, and told him my DH, really wanted everyone to come, but not if they were going to be a pain the ass. It may have been wrong of me, but I basically told him we didn’t want to hear one more complaint, gripe, sneer, or anything and their job was from that point to show up with smiles and support their son or stay home. Clearly there was a lot leading up to this discussion. And I’m sure if one of them was writing for advice, I’d come out the ogre.

Now does all this mean that your family relationships are over or if they should be… nobody here has enough information to say.

But one piece of advice is stop bringing others into your disagreements. It never solves anything and almost always makes things worse.

Yeah, I can see now that I probably shouldn't have raised an issue about the disagreement with others - but she shut down discussion because 'it's my hen do'. I only sought the family jury in response to being shut down; I didn't know what to do or even if I was in the right.

Regarding the family relationship - I think what hurts was the pact of secrecy and silence that my siblings had to not tell me about the hen party. The trust has gone. And that was before I sought other opinions from the family jury. I think the breakdown of trust is probably worse in the long run.

Sure, going forwards if something like that happens again, then I'll keep quiet and only discuss how I feel with a professional. I felt really low after the hen party exclusion - then the wedding exclusion felt even worse and more final too.

Even if my sister was right to cancel my invite in the name of 'preventing arguments or drama', then why did no one in my family check on my welfare that wedding day while they had a party? I was feeling very low, isolated, neglected, unloved and uncared for too.

Luckily, I have good friends, so was well supported. But I feel I'm starting to sound like a broken record - maybe that's just how trauma works. My best friend's mum said that if that happened with her adult children then she would at least have sent something to the excluded child to make sure they knew they were loved, missed and thought of. That put things into perspective and made me question what I wanted from my family - I want to feel loved (as corny and cheesy as that sounds, it's also true).

I don’t think this situation is as rare as you think, families particularly siblings fall out all the time and unfortunately weddings and funerals tend to be catalyst for these feuds.
As a parent it is difficult to stay neutral in these circumstances, as they obviously don’t want to ostracised by either side.
It used to be, particularly when the parents were paying that they sent the invitations, but I think that has now changed.
In my view your mother should have let you know what was going on, but please don’t fall out with your family over this. This is down to your sister.
As pp said baby steps meet with your dad, he has offered an olive branch.
I think your sister has acted appallingly but time heals and there will be other family occasions that you want to attend. Of course your upset but don’t let her know getting on with your life is the best revenge.