Wow. Such a lot to unpack here. I agree on the face of it the whole family sound cruel and unreasonable, and the Bridezilla in particular.
However, I can't help but wonder what the other side of this story looks like, for context. If a person's behaviour (let alone a whole group of people) seems so outrageously unreasonable as to barely be believable, then more questions need to be asked.
Nothing is ever black and white in family dynamics, and I’m guessing there’s a backstory to your backstory and a backstory to your sister’s treatment of you, and in the end no one can remember how it started, but the end result is you don’t like each other and that’s it, end of story.
This is my hunch. If it was just the bride excluding her sister then it would be more straightforward, but the whole family including the OP's mother colluding in it seems odd.
It might just be that they are an unpleasant bunch of people who all dance to the sister's tune, and the OP is the family scapegoat. But without knowing for sure that's the case, just saying 'There there, fuck 'em, they are all a bunch of bitches' and giving the OP a pat on the head isn't actually that helpful. At worst it might be reinforcing some inaccuate beliefs that the OP might have, instead of helping her understand why this has happened.
YayDay without interrogating you about the specifics of your disability and how your PTSD manifests itself, it's difficult for us to guess at what might be going on here. Either way it looks like it's been clumsily and insensitively handled by the family.
My mum claimed that my disability would have meant I couldn't take part in the hen party activities ...and I would have had to sit on the sidelines, which she said would likely have upset me as it would remind me of my active life before disability.
This may well be true. A kind and loving sister dealing with a reasonable and rational disabled sister would either pick an activity that didn't preclude her from participating, or at least she'd have talked it through with her first and given her the option to choose whether to sit on the sidelines, or to simply not attend.
The question is, did she not do that because she's a selfish cow? Or because there was a real concern that regardless of what type of hen night she planned, it would always be highly problematic for the disabled sister to attend, for reasons we don't know?
Maybe she couldn't bring herself to be honest with you Yay because it's understandably a very difficult conversation to have and she knew you'd be either hurt or very angry.
I had a big birthday party where I had a real dilemma over inviting a friend and her DH because she's lovely but he's is an arse who is loud, obnoxious and too boisterous. With too many drinks in him he makes me uncomfortable and anxious and I am on high alert for it all to kick off. Luckily I was able to get around it because I realised that my birthday clashed with the date of an annual event they always go to, and would prioritise over my party.
It was a relief, and easier than having to tell my friend that she could come but her DH couldn't, or that they were both invited but she had to keep him muzzled and tell him in advance not to act like a twat. I suspect she knows how I feel about him, but to spare her feelings I've never mentioned it to her directly..
Sometimes it's really difficult to know how to navigate these things and people often take the non-confrontational cowards way out.
I mean this gently YayDay but is there a reason your attendence might have made things potentially stressful for others? For example, does your PTSD mean you have terrible panic attacks or major meltdowns in loud/crowded places, so that your mum or another sister would have to leave the party to take you home?
I have been reflecting on why I wanted consultation. Since becoming disabled I have noticed that it has impacted my inclusivity in general. I wanted to stress inclusivity to my sister (and family), but that backfired because, like you say, they have no obligations to be inclusive - and maybe they resent having to accommodate someone who has special needs now. I appreciate it's not easy and takes its toll.
That sounds awful and very difficult for you. Without knowing more about the nature of your issues it's hard to comment on whether they could reasonably be more inclusive or not, without having to compromise too much on what they would like to do.
Your sister strikes me as a Bridezilla with a "vision" of her perfect Instagram worthy day. And anyone with something visibly different would have wrecked her perfect pictures. Like those Bridezillas who demand people dye their hair or lose weight or cover their tattoos because it ruins their aesthetic.
I thought this too. I don't think anyone would be so fucking awful as to exclude their sister or friend just because their legs didn't work and they used a wheelchair for example, if they were otherwise well behaved and low maintenance. Some things are admittedly more easily accommodated than others.
But if, let's say, their disability was very poorly controlled alcoholism, or a combination of being so morbidly obese that even leaving the house and travelling anywhere in a normal vehicle is a challenge. Coupled with poorly controlled MH issues? Behavioural problems? Suddenly a simple night out can become fraught with so many potential issues that it's easier to understand why others might wish to avoid it. It's still an awful shame for the person excluded but it's perhaps more understandable.
For example if it was in a lively pub/nightclub the family may have felt they were, in their way, protecting such a person from the possibility of there being 'a bit of a scene' or from being abused and made fun of by a bunch drunken idiots. These things are complicated and it would be very hard to be honest with someone about why you felt it safer/kinder /easier all-round to leave them out.
I'm not saying that any of this was the case with the OP, just that this sort of thing might be going on.
Even if my sister was right to cancel my invite in the name of 'preventing arguments or drama', then why did no one in my family check on my welfare that wedding day while they had a party? I was feeling very low, isolated, neglected, unloved and uncared for too.
YayDa you say you got very upset on the phone when you confronted your sister about leaving you out of the hen party. Did you actually become very angry and abusive? Do you think your family would say that you have a history of reacting with excessive 'drama' when things upset you?
Apologies if I am barking up the wrong tree with all of the above, but as i said, with scant detail to go on about why they ALL might have colluded in excluding you from the hen party, and then not being more on your side when your sister retracted your invitation to the wedding, it's not unreasonable to look for some sort of explanation for it that makes sense.