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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel the rift from my family can never mend?

273 replies

YayDay · 27/12/2021 21:05

My sister had her wedding recently. I had been invited, but a few weeks beforehand she sent a text asking me not to attend her big day.

The backstory is that things were going well between us, then over the summer I discovered through social media that she had a Henparty with my other sister (who she's very close to and was maid of honour), half-sister and our sister-in-laws, but had clearly not told me about it, let alone invite me. It came as a shock, I was very upset and felt really betrayed by all my family who knew about it but obviously kept it quiet from me.
My sister's defence was, 'It's my hen party, so suck it up.'

The family jury was split. Some thought, 'well, she's right it's her hen party and maybe she wanted a different dynamic'. Others thought my hurt was reasonable because, 'you're her sister and it would have been respectful to at least have spoken with you rather than doing things behind your back and for you to find out like that.'

The result meant my sister cancelled my wedding invite. She told me by text, rather any discussion or anything.

Photos have gone up on social media. The whole family had a great time. I guess I'm not supposed to be upset and complain about feeling estranged, because it was her big day?

But I just can't get over how rubbish it felt to be left out - again. Being visibly left out and marginalised suggests there's something wrong with me - and I'm not sure how to feel if it's my family who have done this.

I don't actually know how this family rift can actually mend. It just feels like a really big snub that has gone too far...

OP posts:
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 28/12/2021 17:39

It sounds like you told your dad about the wedding to get revenge on your sister for snubbing you with the hen do, and she realised this and disinvited you from the wedding/it backfired.

Original poster
YayDay · 28/12/2021 18:02

@Fairylights25 Was it my place to tell him at the beginning? If it wasn't my place to tell him at the end, then why do you think was it my place to tell him at the beginning? How on Earth do you detox a toxic family dynamic?

I went along with my siblings to fit in and thinking it would keep the peace. Like I said, mum said Dad wouldn't cope and it would upset his health. So, I believed her.

The peace was broken when the hen party exclusion became apparent and my condition was used as an excuse to exclude me.

After the hen party stuff, my own PTSD started to flare up and I was struggling to cope. I literally had no one on my side. And I could only imagine how Dad would eventually feel when he found out he'd been kept in the dark too. Hence, the revelation of empathy - sadly, I found it took a spoon full of one's own medicine to learn the hard way.

It was so toxic and messed up. I did not want to upset dad either. I felt trapped in an impossible situation. Damned if I did, damned if I didn't.

So, I sought a middle way, hence the family jury. Yes, I appreciate that sounds formal, but the family dynamic had become chaotic and I needed some order/feedback.

Ok. Plan of action gong forwards. In the new year I will apologise to my sister and I won't expect her to let me back into the loop. She has probably not had an easy time either, but at least she had the support of the entire family (including Dad).

If, as many of you seem to think, I deserve to be ostracised then I'll take the estrangement as my atonement. Not what I want to do, but I'll pay my price if I'm in the wrong. That too, might keep the peace because at least everyone will feel better feeling I paid my price. That should help detox the toxic family dynamic.

And we can move on in the new year. Feeling I deserve to be estranged makes it easier to accept.

OP posts:
Coronawireless · 28/12/2021 18:09

[quote YayDay]@Fairylights25 Was it my place to tell him at the beginning? If it wasn't my place to tell him at the end, then why do you think was it my place to tell him at the beginning? How on Earth do you detox a toxic family dynamic?

I went along with my siblings to fit in and thinking it would keep the peace. Like I said, mum said Dad wouldn't cope and it would upset his health. So, I believed her.

The peace was broken when the hen party exclusion became apparent and my condition was used as an excuse to exclude me.

After the hen party stuff, my own PTSD started to flare up and I was struggling to cope. I literally had no one on my side. And I could only imagine how Dad would eventually feel when he found out he'd been kept in the dark too. Hence, the revelation of empathy - sadly, I found it took a spoon full of one's own medicine to learn the hard way.

It was so toxic and messed up. I did not want to upset dad either. I felt trapped in an impossible situation. Damned if I did, damned if I didn't.

So, I sought a middle way, hence the family jury. Yes, I appreciate that sounds formal, but the family dynamic had become chaotic and I needed some order/feedback.

Ok. Plan of action gong forwards. In the new year I will apologise to my sister and I won't expect her to let me back into the loop. She has probably not had an easy time either, but at least she had the support of the entire family (including Dad).

If, as many of you seem to think, I deserve to be ostracised then I'll take the estrangement as my atonement. Not what I want to do, but I'll pay my price if I'm in the wrong. That too, might keep the peace because at least everyone will feel better feeling I paid my price. That should help detox the toxic family dynamic.

And we can move on in the new year. Feeling I deserve to be estranged makes it easier to accept.[/quote]
Or you could just detach and spend more time with your friends. Your family sounds batty.

Fairylights25 · 28/12/2021 18:22

You can't detox an established dysfunctional family op, it is mission impossible but you can protect yourself going forward.

The peace was broken when the hen party exclusion became apparent and my condition was used as an excuse to exclude me

It is disgusting that they used your condition to exclude you, but the peace was broken because you decided at that point to tell your father about the wedding. At that exact moment. You are fortunate in the sense that it did not totally blow up and the wedding cancelled, and your sister and her groom were still able to proceed (even with your father's decision to invite uninvited guests!) Do you not see how dangerous it was to tell your father? What could have happened?

There might be many consequences to your decision that you are not aware of, to your sister, your mother - their marriage. Maybe it is far worse than it looks on the surface of social media. The fact is you can not tell someone else's secret - one of that magnitude without fall out op. Massive massive fall out.

The wedding is almost dwarfed by the dishonesty that has been rippling through your whole family. How must your father feel? Yes he got to go to the wedding but he was deceived by everyone around him, including you.

If you actually like and want your sister in your life - then apologise, but if you feel quite rightly discriminated and hurt then take a step back and take time to think about it. You have been treated badly - accepted. But you certainly paid them back in kind - also accepted. The lies and deceit is going to continue in your family in some form or another, it is up to you if you want to be part of it or not.

Or you can take the high road, choose to be close to your friends and give them all a wide berth (that would be my choice) Everyone is at fault here, not just you. I am sorry they were so unkind to you and hurt your feelings, I can understand why but what do YOU want from your life going forward?

MichelleScarn · 28/12/2021 18:24

And also have the 'family jury' disbanded/and or stop involving them in all your issues!

Porcupineintherough · 28/12/2021 18:44

[quote YayDay]@Fairylights25 Was it my place to tell him at the beginning? If it wasn't my place to tell him at the end, then why do you think was it my place to tell him at the beginning? How on Earth do you detox a toxic family dynamic?

I went along with my siblings to fit in and thinking it would keep the peace. Like I said, mum said Dad wouldn't cope and it would upset his health. So, I believed her.

The peace was broken when the hen party exclusion became apparent and my condition was used as an excuse to exclude me.

After the hen party stuff, my own PTSD started to flare up and I was struggling to cope. I literally had no one on my side. And I could only imagine how Dad would eventually feel when he found out he'd been kept in the dark too. Hence, the revelation of empathy - sadly, I found it took a spoon full of one's own medicine to learn the hard way.

It was so toxic and messed up. I did not want to upset dad either. I felt trapped in an impossible situation. Damned if I did, damned if I didn't.

So, I sought a middle way, hence the family jury. Yes, I appreciate that sounds formal, but the family dynamic had become chaotic and I needed some order/feedback.

Ok. Plan of action gong forwards. In the new year I will apologise to my sister and I won't expect her to let me back into the loop. She has probably not had an easy time either, but at least she had the support of the entire family (including Dad).

If, as many of you seem to think, I deserve to be ostracised then I'll take the estrangement as my atonement. Not what I want to do, but I'll pay my price if I'm in the wrong. That too, might keep the peace because at least everyone will feel better feeling I paid my price. That should help detox the toxic family dynamic.

And we can move on in the new year. Feeling I deserve to be estranged makes it easier to accept.[/quote]
Seriously, your solution is to throw a little more dysfunction and martyrdom into the pot?

TidyDancer · 28/12/2021 18:48

OP, can you give a bit more info on the cultural issues? I have an idea what you are referring to but the specifics of this might change perspective on it.

Flossieskeeper · 28/12/2021 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitterTits · 28/12/2021 18:53

Seriously, your solution is to throw a little more dysfunction and martyrdom into the pot?

Well, she's been told repeatedly on this thread that she's BU. Personally I disagree and I'd not be apologising for anything here.

NdujaWannaDance · 28/12/2021 19:11

Fairylights25 Tue 28-Dec-21 18:22:25

Excellent post.

Hollywolly1 · 28/12/2021 19:42

You have nothing to apologise for here,they seem so happy in their narrow world. I do think your father should gave stood up to them about you not being invited, it seems like they really have him bet down.I would hold out no hope for your mother and sister as they enable each other

saraclara · 28/12/2021 19:52

@Hollywolly1

You have nothing to apologise for here,they seem so happy in their narrow world. I do think your father should gave stood up to them about you not being invited, it seems like they really have him bet down.I would hold out no hope for your mother and sister as they enable each other
Have you read all of OP's updates?
TractorAndHeadphones · 28/12/2021 20:29

[quote YayDay]@Fairylights25 Was it my place to tell him at the beginning? If it wasn't my place to tell him at the end, then why do you think was it my place to tell him at the beginning? How on Earth do you detox a toxic family dynamic?

I went along with my siblings to fit in and thinking it would keep the peace. Like I said, mum said Dad wouldn't cope and it would upset his health. So, I believed her.

The peace was broken when the hen party exclusion became apparent and my condition was used as an excuse to exclude me.

After the hen party stuff, my own PTSD started to flare up and I was struggling to cope. I literally had no one on my side. And I could only imagine how Dad would eventually feel when he found out he'd been kept in the dark too. Hence, the revelation of empathy - sadly, I found it took a spoon full of one's own medicine to learn the hard way.

It was so toxic and messed up. I did not want to upset dad either. I felt trapped in an impossible situation. Damned if I did, damned if I didn't.

So, I sought a middle way, hence the family jury. Yes, I appreciate that sounds formal, but the family dynamic had become chaotic and I needed some order/feedback.

Ok. Plan of action gong forwards. In the new year I will apologise to my sister and I won't expect her to let me back into the loop. She has probably not had an easy time either, but at least she had the support of the entire family (including Dad).

If, as many of you seem to think, I deserve to be ostracised then I'll take the estrangement as my atonement. Not what I want to do, but I'll pay my price if I'm in the wrong. That too, might keep the peace because at least everyone will feel better feeling I paid my price. That should help detox the toxic family dynamic.

And we can move on in the new year. Feeling I deserve to be estranged makes it easier to accept.[/quote]
People aren't saying you deserve to be ostracised. They're saying you're as bad as your sister, not an innocent victim. Maybe that wasn't your intention. But that's how it looks.

Anyway as pp have said apologise if you want to but probably best to give them all a wide berth.

1967buglet · 28/12/2021 21:28

I don’t think you should apologise. I do think you should not let yourself get caught up in family drama and spend more time with friends, and do some things for self-care. Bow out of the dysfunction. Don’t let your family rent space in your head.

Somebodylikeyew · 28/12/2021 21:40

I think everyone should apologise to everyone, and everyone should get some serious therapy. But the only person you can control in either sense is you, so I would apologise for anything i felt i was in the wrong for, then walk away, get my arse in therapy and then go and live a happy, peaceful life, with or without them.

Flowers500 · 28/12/2021 22:45

If I were your sister I would strongly consider going permanent NC with you. From my reading of your utterly disingenuous updates it seems that the potentially toxic person is your father with his “standards”, disapproval and extra invites. Your sister is entitled to love who she wants and your attempt to get revenge by potentially destroying her wedding is despicable. And piss off with the “family jury” stuff, that’s not a thing and the only person who’s opinion matters on this wedding and the sister-dad relationship is not speaking to you. You’re in the wrong a hundred times over with your petty revenge and backstabbing.

BitterTits · 28/12/2021 22:45

She isn't as bad as them though, is she? She just isn't. It's ludicrous to say so.

Flowers500 · 28/12/2021 22:48

@BitterTits

She isn't as bad as them though, is she? She just isn't. It's ludicrous to say so.
The sister didn’t want her dad to know as he would deeply disapprove of the relationship and by the sound of it try to stop a wedding for cultural reasons. The sister wanted to marry the man and OP tried to torpedo it, but the dad decides to not risk his relationship with his daughter, accepts the wedding (while brining family members she didn’t want there) and she’s left out in the cold with a failed scheme.
BitterTits · 28/12/2021 22:53

No, no. The OP consulted the family on the cloak and dagger nature of the whole ridiculous situation after she found out she'd been excluded from the hen party, quite possibly due to her disability. That isn't in any way as bad as the shitty behaviour exhibited by her sisters and mother.

Hempsickle · 28/12/2021 22:58

Personally I would leave them to get on with it. It sounds like you are better off without them and you need to take care of yourself and your own mental health.

Flowers500 · 28/12/2021 22:58

@BitterTits

No, no. The OP consulted the family on the cloak and dagger nature of the whole ridiculous situation after she found out she'd been excluded from the hen party, quite possibly due to her disability. That isn't in any way as bad as the shitty behaviour exhibited by her sisters and mother.
…no. Op has dripfed that her father has some mysterious criteria that make him disapproving of relationships and his “high standards” were something her sister thought could destroy this going ahead, unless he was told after when it was too late. So she took it upon herself to enact revenge for the hen doo, potentially stopping her sister’s wedding. Oh and she decided that the ins and outs of her sister’s life could be decided by a panel of family members, who the sister was clealry trying to keep out of her relationship. There’s a fucked up and controlling family dynamic, which it sounds like OP is happy to fuel.
MichelleScarn · 28/12/2021 23:00

@bittertits That isn't in any way as bad as the shitty behaviour exhibited by her sisters and mother. the behaviour the op also took part in in excluding her father initially?

Mufasa1118 · 28/12/2021 23:13

I've had my older brother shouting and screaming at me at christmas. I am going to go very low contact with him.

I'm not taking you or your sisters side OP as I don't know enough about it, all I'm saying is some of us are better off away from our siblings

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/12/2021 23:43

This is one seriously fucked-up family.

Solongtoshort · 29/12/2021 00:48

I have read your updates and l have a million thoughts going through my head.

Imagine my child getting married and my husband knowing and not telling me, l would be furious and fell so detested. How did they think they could have a wedding and get away without telling your dad. Had they booked him a weekend away? How many siblings do you have? Half sister, older sister, younger sister and brother? Who are the family jury? Are you constantly wondering what secrets they keep from you?do you feel nervous and scared you might blurt out a secrecy because you don’t know it’s a secret? Isn’t keeping your marriage a secret starting a life of lies? Weddings and live are there to be celebrated.

How did you spend Christmas? I hope it want alone as l think this would bring up feelings of isolation up more. I do think your dad is extending an olive branch and maybe speak to him and say these are my feelings they are valid because they are feelings that belong to you. Give everyone else a wide berth for a while. I wouldn’t apologise to keep the peace that’s like saying you know you are wrong. I bet if you step away from all their secrets your mental health will be so much better.

I was estranged from my family for 5 years and it hurt, l do only mange to stay in contact with them as l live an hour away so l am far removed from the drama. If l lived closer l don’t think l would cope.

Good luck.