Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Original poster

To feel the rift from my family can never mend?

273 replies

YayDay · 27/12/2021 21:05

My sister had her wedding recently. I had been invited, but a few weeks beforehand she sent a text asking me not to attend her big day.

The backstory is that things were going well between us, then over the summer I discovered through social media that she had a Henparty with my other sister (who she's very close to and was maid of honour), half-sister and our sister-in-laws, but had clearly not told me about it, let alone invite me. It came as a shock, I was very upset and felt really betrayed by all my family who knew about it but obviously kept it quiet from me.
My sister's defence was, 'It's my hen party, so suck it up.'

The family jury was split. Some thought, 'well, she's right it's her hen party and maybe she wanted a different dynamic'. Others thought my hurt was reasonable because, 'you're her sister and it would have been respectful to at least have spoken with you rather than doing things behind your back and for you to find out like that.'

The result meant my sister cancelled my wedding invite. She told me by text, rather any discussion or anything.

Photos have gone up on social media. The whole family had a great time. I guess I'm not supposed to be upset and complain about feeling estranged, because it was her big day?

But I just can't get over how rubbish it felt to be left out - again. Being visibly left out and marginalised suggests there's something wrong with me - and I'm not sure how to feel if it's my family who have done this.

I don't actually know how this family rift can actually mend. It just feels like a really big snub that has gone too far...

OP posts:

Sweetchocolatecandy · 27/12/2021 21:48

It depends on your condition really, doesn’t it? Are you an alcoholic? Are you agoraphobic or not good in crowds? There is definitely more to this than you are letting on OP. I didn’t invite my BIL to my wedding as he is an alcoholic racist who is nasty to people in drink so it just wasn’t worth the risk. I’m sure your sister’s side of the story is completely different to yours.

driftcompatible · 27/12/2021 21:48

Unless your condition is that you're an out of control meth addict who is on a tag for previously stabbing your sister, then she is being VERY unreasonable. It's cruel to leave you out for a condition. And for your family to support that is really really sad. I would be very upset too.

People are such shits.

Original poster

YayDay · 27/12/2021 21:50

@Coronawireless

I don't know what excuses my sisters have used to justify excluding me whilst making themselves look good. For context: I saw them all a week before their scheduled hen party and we had a lovely time (she even messaged what a great time we had). So, that's why I was shocked at the betrayal - I thought things were good between us.

I have a physical disability and PTSD too. My condition is well managed and I have been stable for some time. The thing is, it's the feeling of being estranged that has set me back.

I can't talk to my family about how this has impacted me because it sounds like bitterness, even if how I feel is justified. What a minefield.

My dad has tried to be in touch and check I'm ok, but I'm upset with him for not standing up for me. He's just trying to keep the peace, but it's not so easy when I'm the one who has been estranged.

OP posts:

Benjispruce5 · 27/12/2021 21:52

Excluding you because of a disability is shocking. The fact that it’s your sister that’s done it is even worse. I understood why you feel this way and why you’re upset that your family didn’t pull your sister up on her plans.

Porcupineintherough · 27/12/2021 21:58

What sort of alterations to her hen night plans would your disability have made? Are we talking minor ones or major upheaval (I skipped one good friend's hen as it was a horsey weekend and I'm dangerously allergic to horses, so that was never going to work)?

Either way she should have spoken to you about it.

MrzClaus · 27/12/2021 22:00

Hi OP, you've put this in the op "The backstory is that things were going well between us" which suggests things haven't been going well previously - is this just down to your condition, or is there further backstory?

Wrapping my head around the fact your family would be fine with you being excluded based on a disability, rather than a lack of a relationship / multiple prior fall outs etc just seems nuts!

DroopyClematis · 27/12/2021 22:01

I hope im not being unkind here but why would your disability affect being invited? It sounds very odd.

maddening · 27/12/2021 22:03

Do not let this cut you from family, unless you have treated your sister or your family badly there is no reason to cut you from the wedding or hen, in doing so she has made a huge statement.

Do not let that get between you and your family, if you do so she wins.

It is OK to express your own hurt at her actions. She made it about you when she did that, she could at least explain herself, I am surprised you'd family don't ask that she do so before she throws a grenade in to the family dynamic.

happytoday73 · 27/12/2021 22:04

Talk to your dad. Explain you are not OK. Explain you feel pushed out of the family. Ask him how they are ever going to rectify it... Not you... Them.. As theyve allowed this situation and haven't stuck up for you

allupsidedown · 27/12/2021 22:06

I understand why you feel so hurt. I wouldn't cut your dad out. For all you know, he may have been fighting g your corner. I've heard of bridezillas but this is another level. I hope you find a way to at least make peace with the rest of your family. It would seem a double blow to be shunned then lose your family too when you haven't done anything wrong.
I hope you have wonderful friends who can be your family. They may well care more for you than your so called sister.

Original poster

YayDay · 27/12/2021 22:09

@Nailsbythesea

My sister came to my wedding. She stomped her foot as she wasn’t my bridesmaid. She came to the hen do and was foul. She overtook the wedding car by going up and over the grass bank on the left hand side of the narrow drive to the abbey overtaking me and my Dad is a Rolls Royce - she parked her sports car right in front of the abbey leaving us no where to park - she sat in the front row and huffed throughout the ceremony. She refused to check the bouquet. Cried and wailed when my father said things about a wedding speech that were nice about me and got up and walked out with a face like thunder during the first dance.

She didn’t invite me to hers. It was an irreversible rift now that can not be healed.

For other family they have to gloss over it - but they can see you 1-2-1 and express how they feel.

I will never forgive my sister after she ruined mine.

@Nailsbythesea That sounds awful. Sorry you had to go through that.

For further context, the night before my sister's wedding my dad offered to take me (must have been his guilt). I didn't have an outfit sorted because my sister had cancelled my invitation weeks earlier. However, I didn't feel it was right to attend, even if it was Dad taking me, because my sister had messaged telling me not to attend - and me turning up would have really angered her. So, I explained to Dad that I couldn't go because my sister had cancelled my invite and I didn't have an outfit.

My mum then justified the day after the wedding that, "Well Dad offered to take you, but you declined" - knowing full well I didn't have an outfit sorted in time because Dad only offered to take me the night before and it was complicated by the fact the Bride had cancelled my invite. I couldn't just gatecrash - I'm too anxious to do stuff like that.

OP posts:

Mrsmadevans · 27/12/2021 22:12

Wow ....l am so sorry OP this is extremely upsetting for you and like you l can't see a way back , certainly for your sister and as for your parents and other siblings it is unforgiveable what they have done to you. You need to express your upset rationally without any rancour if you are going to address this with them . I am afraid l think this would be the end for me, l would feel so betrayed.

Keepitonthedownlow · 27/12/2021 22:15

This is awful, your sister is a bitch but don't let her ruin relations with the rest of your family. Just take a step back and f**k her.

VioletLemon · 27/12/2021 22:19

Disgraceful toxic shit fest!
I'm so sorry this has been your experience it sounds like you could really do with some therapy to help you move on and to decide how to proceed with other family members. I don't think there is any condition I can think of that would make it acceptable to exclude a sister.

Your sister sounds like a ridiculous horror.
Get some therapy and start building a supportive network of friends who appreciate you.

ItsAllAboutTheLighting · 27/12/2021 22:20

It really sounds like there is more to this.

happytoday73 · 27/12/2021 22:20

The outfit is irrelevant... You didn't feel you could fate crash, you'd specifically been uninvited by the bride...
Don't mention the outfit... It just blurs things

Mufasa1118 · 27/12/2021 22:22

This is shocking! Really shocking. And not normal
It was horrible of her to do that to you. Most people invite their sisters to their wedding

What was she thinking ? Unless you have argued badly in the past too it makes no sense. Do you get along normally?

Original poster

YayDay · 27/12/2021 22:23

@MrzClaus

Wrapping my head around the fact your family would be fine with you being excluded based on a disability, rather than a lack of a relationship / multiple prior fall outs etc just seems nuts!

Things had been going well, so I didn't expect things not to go well. Sure, we've had usual sibling ups and downs in the past, but nothing to make me think I could reasonably expect to be hurt my them.

My mum claimed that my disability would have meant I couldn't take part in the hen party activities (I'm not clear what they were exactly, since I wasn't invited) and I would have had to sit on the sidelines, which she said would likely have upset me as it would remind me of my active life before disability.

Still, I think I should have been consulted about the hen party. My sister is aggrieved with me suggesting I had a right to be consulted. And, in all honesty, I don't know if I had a right to be consulted or included? They're entitled to exclude who they want, but when it's a sister then surely that's different?

I just don't know how to move on from this. Like you've suggested, because I'm the one who has been shunned, then it looks like I'm the 'bad guy' somehow and I don't actually know what my sisters have been saying about me to justify this. There is a proverb for doing this to people, 'give a dog a bad name in order to hang it'.

So, I just feel it's a lost cause. I don't want to feel bitter, but I have good reason to be bitter. I don't know how to come back from this in a non-bitter way. Maybe just find new hobbies...

OP posts:

godmum56 · 27/12/2021 22:23

why do you want to mend the rift?

Mufasa1118 · 27/12/2021 22:24

Have you fallen out in the past? To uninvite you from her wedding is so serious.

Did you get on with each other in the past?

Seedandyarn · 27/12/2021 22:24

How did you react when you found out about the hen party?

If I was feeling charitable maybe she was trying to spare your feelings by not telling you as she felt it was unsuitable because of your disability. But if her reaction afterwards was to disinvite it would appear to be a nasty snub.

Selttan · 27/12/2021 22:25

I would talk to your Dad and tell him how you feel and ask him how he thinks everything could possibly be okay not just with you and your sister but you and the rest of the family who were supportive of what you're sister did. He might say they didn't agree with her but they didn't stand up for you. If I'd pulled the same stunt on my sister I'd have my ass handed to me by my Mum.

I get the feeling this won't be the last time they put your sister feelings first. I'd be pulling back from them all.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2021 22:25

Why did your dad think it would be okay for you to go if you’d been uninvited?

beastlyslumber · 27/12/2021 22:27

I'm so sorry OP. It's so hard to be the scapegoat/the one left out. Ignore the people on here defending your sister - some people have no idea how cruel and toxic families can be.

You are probably right that the rift can't be healed. I would go low contact/no contact and focus on your own healing. I really like the crappy childhood fairy videos on YouTube. Worth a look xx

TatianaBis · 27/12/2021 22:28

Maybe just find new hobbies...

Or a new family.

If they were a business they’d have fallen foul of the anti-discrimination regulations. Your own family are basically disablist.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11