To feel the rift from my family can never mend?

[YayDay]

My sister had her wedding recently. I had been invited, but a few weeks beforehand she sent a text asking me not to attend her big day.

The backstory is that things were going well between us, then over the summer I discovered through social media that she had a Henparty with my other sister (who she's very close to and was maid of honour), half-sister and our sister-in-laws, but had clearly not told me about it, let alone invite me. It came as a shock, I was very upset and felt really betrayed by all my family who knew about it but obviously kept it quiet from me.
My sister's defence was, 'It's my hen party, so suck it up.'

The family jury was split. Some thought, 'well, she's right it's her hen party and maybe she wanted a different dynamic'. Others thought my hurt was reasonable because, 'you're her sister and it would have been respectful to at least have spoken with you rather than doing things behind your back and for you to find out like that.'

The result meant my sister cancelled my wedding invite. She told me by text, rather any discussion or anything.

Photos have gone up on social media. The whole family had a great time. I guess I'm not supposed to be upset and complain about feeling estranged, because it was her big day?

But I just can't get over how rubbish it felt to be left out - again. Being visibly left out and marginalised suggests there's something wrong with me - and I'm not sure how to feel if it's my family who have done this.

I don't actually know how this family rift can actually mend. It just feels like a really big snub that has gone too far...

you're now stating that she has complex PTSD related to it. Are you a Psychiatrist?

Psychiatrists would not necessarily treat cPTSD, because there is no direct clinical consensus that cPTSD is a psychiatric disorder. It's viewed by many as a psychological injury and a textbook response to trauma, which might more accurately be viewed as a normal reaction to an abnormal set of circumstances.

I know this as I too have a cPTSD diagnoses, now successfully treated by EMDR therapy courtesy of a wonderful psychotherapist. This condition is eminently treatable - without recourse to drugs - and no one would necessarily know I was afflicted with it unless I voluntarily told them.

OP, I hope the above gives you some hope. I was seriously unwell before treatment and am now recovered, mentally strong, and feel better than I ever have.

Your problem is not your disability, whether physical or trauma-related. It's the hurtful, destructive and age-old family dynamic of golden child vs. scapegoat. And it screams out of every post you've written. The behaviour of your mother is in some senses far more unforgivable than that of your sister. I'm truly sorry you've experienced this visceral form of hurt,

This in itself can induce its own form of trauma. It's damaging, destructive, and it rarely does the golden child much more good than it does the scapegoat. But it's not the golden child who matters here, it's you.

You are clearly vulnerable, and some of the responses on this thread are far from helpful. The minutiae and nuances surrounding the petty dynamics of a family wedding are now insignificant. Apportioning blame is pointless. What matters now is you protecting you.

You are not being unreasonable. You are not being neurotic or oversensitive. You've been treated atrociously. Your inclination to take a step backward in order to protect yourself is wise and well-founded. Id suggest that a first step is therapy to unpick some of the harm your injuries have inflicted on you, and the additional harm heaped upon this by your family.

These are the people you should have been able to rely on to support you when the chips are really down in life. They didn't. That is their failing, NOT yours.

💐💐💐💐💐 for you.

That was a beautifully written post marie with some points I also agree with, but where is the accountability? Op has also hurt family members and done things she should not have.

This is the issue I have, unless people take personal responsibility for their part in family problems, unless they are willing to look at their own behaviour as well as the toxic behaviour of others then where is the personal growth and progress going to come from?

Unless op can see the toxicity in both her actions and others, she will remain trapped in a dysfunctional family to the end of time playing her part in the ongoing saga. Stepping away would be a good option, but I am not reading that she is willing to do that.

Some people enjoy the drama, some people enjoying being the victim - some people thrive on pain and suffering and inflicting it on others.
Many families see this as entertainment and totally acceptable. Not everyone feels the same.

My guess is that op has been cast in a role, that she herself is unwilling to leave and now she will revel in the victim role of being cast out of the family nest (for a while at least until she is begrudgingly welcomed back) and the drama will continue to its next crisis. This family have no intention of changing, nor does op. We are wasting our time. She wants to be told she is right to be 'fed up' and right to take the action that she did, she is not looking to change anything or learn from it.

Another two very insightful posts @Fairylights25, very true I think that people can just get so caught in the drama and retelling of events. It's not a healthy way to live.

OP, it sounds like your sister was trying to have a small, quiet wedding and excluding lots of family members, for whatever reason. (Your dad and other family members who he ended up inviting were excluded, and you say that even after that, the wedding was mostly the grooms side... ) so I'm not sure you are actually so individually victimised at all?

You had been quietly excluded from a social event. You 'got upset' on the phone (what does this mean? Quietly crying and saying 'my feelings are hurt' or shouting at her etc? I suspect the latter? You gloss over it in your long descriptions).... For sure you then created lots of drama about your sister's wedding, - going to family juries, and blowing her wedding invitation plans apart, forcing her to have different people at the wedding than she had judged she wanted and forcing probably different conversations with a father she does not feel entirely comfortable with in the last weeks before her wedding, when she would ideally be looking forward to this wonderful event in her life.

You now are twisting this story to suggest you are the sacrificial lamb.... that they all benefited from you doing this (you absolutely don't know this - everybody always smiles in wedding photos, they haven't been in touch with you, and you have already conceded that your sister was upset your dad brought extra people)... and even if it did turn out for the better, it quite easily could have not.... and your motivation for blowing the secret was not to help your sister! but this allows you to turn your drama-making and interference into some kind of valiant act.

I may be wrong, it's very hard to tell on the internet. But there is a certain 'tone' to your posts - spending a lot of time talking about how it is so hard for you/ affects you, framing yourself as the victim/ dealing with seemingly inexplicably cruel acts from others / the highly dramatic language that centres on you and your feelings, alongside little self-reflection about what your sister might be feeling/ your trauma around seeming invisible and people not taking care of you enough/ all while glossing over the specifics of what you actually said and did....These things do hint for me that your emotional make-up may be challenging for others some times. They are not easy characteristics to deal with and can lead to people shutting someone out in order to avoid being sucked in.

I am sorry though that you are feeling hurt, and hope that you can find some kind of peace with it. In thinking through this, I would try avoiding extreme judgements - of you and others. Try looking for the 'maybe this, maybe that.... partly it could be.... she may have felt.... Etc, rather than 'I'm the victim' or 'I obviously deserve it' or 'This means X for ever' kind of stuff.

I don’t understand why writing some tripe about being a scapegoat of the family is so insightful when it completely ignores the facts of what actually happened. OP can keep telling herself that she’s the victim but it’s a lie

I don’t think it matters who’s wrong or who’s right in the nuance of “he said / she said” - don’t focus on on the details.

Step back and look at patterns of behaviours and your core feelings at the time and now.

I suspect that you will see and sense that this is a highly emotionally fraught family system and the balance of power sits with disproportionately with someone holding all of the emotions in a histrionic way whilst others are silenced or are unable to validate their own feelings to themselves.

Step away from blame / shame / dissection.

Just accept the family system is sick, you all trigger each other so are not compatible.

Choose to have different values of peace and calm, kindness and respect. Surround yourself with people who behave like this.

If you step away from the toxic system and surround and distract yourself with emotionally healthy people you will feel much better in time.

What a family of drama llamas 🦙

@ESGdance

I don’t think it matters who’s wrong or who’s right in the nuance of “he said / she said” - don’t focus on on the details.

Step back and look at patterns of behaviours and your core feelings at the time and now.

I suspect that you will see and sense that this is a highly emotionally fraught family system and the balance of power sits with disproportionately with someone holding all of the emotions in a histrionic way whilst others are silenced or are unable to validate their own feelings to themselves.

Step away from blame / shame / dissection.

Just accept the family system is sick, you all trigger each other so are not compatible.

Choose to have different values of peace and calm, kindness and respect. Surround yourself with people who behave like this.

If you step away from the toxic system and surround and distract yourself with emotionally healthy people you will feel much better in time.

This is a good post OP. Even if you yourself have behaved badly too - by being dramatic, breaking secrets, excluding others - you can probably help if no more than most of the others. You seem to all thrive on being dramatic and excluding each other and keeping secrets. I say “thrive” - some of the family probably enjoys it more than others but the rule is you all have to do it. There may be someone more malignant driving it all and the rest of you get sucked in and play along. If it’s affecting how you feel (and behave) then, as many posters have said, just try to distance yourself gently but firmly - inside your head as well as externally - and create a more independent, adult life for yourself.

I don’t believe for one minute that telling your father about your sister’s wedding was empathy from your experience about the hen night situation, and not revenge.

Family Jury 🙄 = shit stirring.

Leaving you out of the hen do was horrible - but it’s impossible to really understand that because your family clearly has years of shitshow to unpick and that hen do incident didn’t happen in a vacuum.

@Flowers500

I don’t understand why writing some tripe about being a scapegoat of the family is so insightful when it completely ignores the facts of what actually happened. OP can keep telling herself that she’s the victim but it’s a lie

@Flowers500 is that in response to my saying fairys post is insightful? The post is the same as yours. we are wasting our time. She wants to be told she is right to be 'fed up' and right to take the action that she did, she is not looking to change anything or learn from it.

If you hadn't told your dad about the we6, surely he'd have noticed everyone getting dressed up and going out together?

How do you keep that secret from your husband??

@BraveGoldie

OP, it sounds like your sister was trying to have a small, quiet wedding and excluding lots of family members, for whatever reason. (Your dad and other family members who he ended up inviting were excluded, and you say that even after that, the wedding was mostly the grooms side... ) so I'm not sure you are actually so individually victimised at all?

You had been quietly excluded from a social event. You 'got upset' on the phone (what does this mean? Quietly crying and saying 'my feelings are hurt' or shouting at her etc? I suspect the latter? You gloss over it in your long descriptions).... For sure you then created lots of drama about your sister's wedding, - going to family juries, and blowing her wedding invitation plans apart, forcing her to have different people at the wedding than she had judged she wanted and forcing probably different conversations with a father she does not feel entirely comfortable with in the last weeks before her wedding, when she would ideally be looking forward to this wonderful event in her life.

You now are twisting this story to suggest you are the sacrificial lamb.... that they all benefited from you doing this (you absolutely don't know this - everybody always smiles in wedding photos, they haven't been in touch with you, and you have already conceded that your sister was upset your dad brought extra people)... and even if it did turn out for the better, it quite easily could have not.... and your motivation for blowing the secret was not to help your sister! but this allows you to turn your drama-making and interference into some kind of valiant act.

I may be wrong, it's very hard to tell on the internet. But there is a certain 'tone' to your posts - spending a lot of time talking about how it is so hard for you/ affects you, framing yourself as the victim/ dealing with seemingly inexplicably cruel acts from others / the highly dramatic language that centres on you and your feelings, alongside little self-reflection about what your sister might be feeling/ your trauma around seeming invisible and people not taking care of you enough/ all while glossing over the specifics of what you actually said and did....These things do hint for me that your emotional make-up may be challenging for others some times. They are not easy characteristics to deal with and can lead to people shutting someone out in order to avoid being sucked in.

I am sorry though that you are feeling hurt, and hope that you can find some kind of peace with it. In thinking through this, I would try avoiding extreme judgements - of you and others. Try looking for the 'maybe this, maybe that.... partly it could be.... she may have felt.... Etc, rather than 'I'm the victim' or 'I obviously deserve it' or 'This means X for ever' kind of stuff.

Completely agree with every word.

And the point I was trying to make earlier which had me accused of invalidating the feelings and experiences of 'scapegoats,' is that posts like this one are SO much more helpful than the ones that don't require an OP to examine their own behaviour at all.^

Especially when we don't know someone personally and we don't know the people apparently scapegoating her either. All we have to go on with is a one sided, often carefully edited snapshot where relevant detail can be scant and even omitted on purpose.

In any other situation we would not be so quick to make a judgement without further probing. Yet people are prepared do it with threads like this, because they are so bogged down in their belief that these things always follow a set script and there must always be the same cast members in each and every play. There is no possibility for them that there cannot be a persecuted scapegoat, so they take it at face value that the OP must be it.

All that does is potentially reinforce what may be a state of denial, or just a lack of insight and understanding of how their own behaviour is contributing to the problem. It is probably quite rare, I think, that an entire group of people choose to gang up together to scapegoat on one entirely blameless person. And as has turned out here, although I don't dount that some of the OP's family treat her with less consideration than she deserves, her own behaviour is clearly not beyond reproach either.

I took a step back from the forum to protect my mental health.

There is a mix of feedback here and I need to consider it all in to work things through. I have signed up with a counsellor (found through the BACP register).

@Flowers500 @Fairylights25 etc. It is factual that I was the only one left out (apparently due to my disability, which I found deeply hurtful - as would any other reasonable person) and had no one (in the know) on my side. That's not trying to make myself a victim. It's simply numbers. Me = 1. Them = Many.

You see my response as "revenge", I see it more as trying to get some balance. Surely, even you can understand that one against many is imbalanced?

Even if revenge was caught up in my emotional response, then that is an understandable human reaction that could reasonably be expected under the circumstances of being excluded due to a physical disability and being the new subject of yet another secret pact within the toxic family (whilst acting all friendly and good to my face). The peace was broken by my sister/mum first - I could not trust her or my mum after the hen party discovery. A little reading around the subject, "Revenge is a powerful emotional trigger that mobilises people into action." ('The hidden upsides of revenge').

I think you seriously underestimate the stressful impact of being one against many. I was trying to detox a toxic family dynamic on my own - and simply did not know how to untangle the mess and get out of it (partially because I was caught up in it myself). My own mental health was suffering and I needed things out in the open to breathe a little.

Like it or not, my sister's secrets were not her own - I (and other family members who knew) had the burden of carrying them too. For the secret to continue, I was required to continue lying to Dad. And I did not feel comfortable being part of that pact anymore. Why should I? I just experienced what it felt like to be left out due to her prejudices against people who are different in one way or another.

Getting things in the open did work out in the end - I'm pleased there was a good outcome for the family by getting it out into the open and allowing some air in to breathe. Dad proved my mum and sister wrong. So, my intuition to have him in the know was not off-centre (it was in the right ball park, which is evident by the outcome so far). Better out, than in.

Like I said, my Dad is not a monster. I know him to be better. He's the only one in the family who has never knowingly shunned me just because I'm the disabled daughter. He has given me chances that others wouldn't even give because I'm disabled; Dad has faith in people's ability to overcome challenges when they have the right level of support. So, I owe him (not my sister who expects me to 'suck up' being excluded due to a physical disability. WTF).

My mum and sisters had simply imagined how they thought Dad would react instead of giving him a chance - making my dad sound like a monster that played to stereotypes helped my sisters/mother create themselves as victims (or can you not see that side?). My Dad disappointed them all by not playing into the hands of stereotypes (yes, he has high standards and expectations, but that's not all he is about - he's a person who is capable of reasoning, thinking, feeling, caring and negotiation - he's not a simplistic stereotype from tv or tabloids.)

Also, after my Dad met my sister's groom-to-be, it turns out that it was the groom who was keen on my Dad being at the wedding and inviting some more people from the bride's side of the family to create more balance; this was reasonable given that the groom's family were also paying for the wedding and the groom had consulted with my sister. For my sister's groom, it was a relief that things were out in the open - and they could all breathe. I was not the only one who wanted things in the open just to breathe.

Our Dad has provided financial security for our family to grow up with a roof over our heads, food on the table, nice cars, nice clothes, an expensive education etc. etc. The least we could do was give him the courtesy of letting him know about a wedding within his own household. Give him a chance is what I was trying to say (albeit, after the hen party) - just as I wish that my sister had given me some courtesy and a chance too. But nobody was willing to give him a chance - and I felt like the only one capable of empathising because I knew how being excluded from the hen party felt (events like that are once in a lifetime; they're big).

Years down the line, I predict my sister will be thankful that our Dad was at her wedding. Time will tell on this one. On balance, it was better for Dad to know before the wedding and have a chance to attend rather than to find out afterwards or never at all. Sadly, Dad won't be around forever. So, my sister will at least be able to look fondly at her wedding that included Dad. By then, the ins and outs of how Dad found out might not matter so much, because the outcome was good. Time will tell... but I am quietly confident (based on the outcome so far) that I am not going to regret getting things out in the open; it enabled my sister to have her Dad at the wedding with rest of the family (except me, of course).
I might, however, mourn that my sister's hen party and wedding symbolically felt like a funeral of my death within the family.

@Cocomarine There is a difference between sympathy and empathy. Prior to the hen party, I had sympathy for my dad. After the hen party, that changed to empathy because I had better frames of reference of how it feels to be excluded because of other people's assumptions of what a person who is 'different ' is like.
I can see why you're cynical - and it does actually help to read your views, so that I can consider them too. However, whether I choose to embrace or reject your opinions will come out in the wash with my Counsellor (a professional to help mediate conflicting opinions and review rl evidence).

I have felt a range of emotions, including bitterness, hurt, you name it. It's a lot for one person to take on - that's not trying to paint myself as an 'innocent victim', just explaining that it's a struggle. I do not wish to remain in a toxic cycle or be embittered forever, hence signing up with a Counsellor and working things through.

I have learned the hard way that being a victim is not an option for anyone, not just me. Remember, I have a physical disability too. In the early days, I felt like a victim of my circumstances, grieved my former active lifestyle and felt my life was over etc. I soon realised that people generally don't like or respect victims, even if the victim status is legitimate, valid and understandable. Why we're psychologically hardwired to blame the victim. There is loads of research on it. So, I've wised up and strengthened up to not playing into the hands of victim blamers before - I just need to do it again, that's all.

@BitterTits @Solongtoshort etc. Thanks for your posts - you've helped to balance it out.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks @ESGdance Yes, I want to feel mentally stronger to cope better. It is still raw, but I'll work through this.

I'm sorry if I've not responded to everyone who posted. I have, however, tried to consider all points.

I have paused on the need to apologise to my sister. It might be early days. If I apologise, then it must be sincere and I'm a bit too all over the place to know how I truly feel and think about the mess.

I am distancing myself from the family. A poster suggested that the family will at some point resume a toxic cycle because they 'thrive' off it - and I agree that is likely because it's what we all know. So, I need to take the chance to escape NOW.

Being the Family Scapegoat is not all bad, apparently. I've read that it's usually the Family Scapegoat who finds the inner strength to make an exit plan and have the courage to leave the toxic family - because they get the rawest end of the deal (whilst providing psychological comfort to the rest of the toxic family's echo chamber). @Coronawireless - I do not thrive off being in a toxic family cycle in any positive way at all - but I can see how I too get caught up in trying far too hard to be heard and respected. I'm tired of trying to fit in where I'm not wanted; the fact it's family has made that acceptance much harder. Dad was always the uniter of the family, not mum.

I'm still keeping in touch with Dad. Dad loves me at least and accepts me even if I'm different from the rest of the family; I feel like a dead ghost and he's the only living family member who cares that I'm gone.

Maybe this has all been a blessing in disguise... Who knows? Time is a healer, so time will tell. I just have to work really hard rebuilding myself and my life. Self-care is a priority.

Anyway, I wish you all a Happy New Year

If your dad is so wonderful, how come you were fully prepared to collude in excluding him from such a big family event?
The behaviour of everyone in your family, including you, is bizarre and unpleasant. Who knows where and how it all started but it’s good that you’re planning to step away.

Good luck with it by the way - not easy at all to detach from something like this💐

@Coronawireless

Perhaps I am looking at Dad with rose-tinted glasses because he's the only one offering the olive branch. Best I explore this further with a Counsellor going forwards now though.

I wish I never knew about my sister's secrets. Ignorance would have been bliss...

Yes, not easy to detach from this. I need to fill the vacuum with new things, meet new people (not as easy since the pandemic started...) and just keep myself busy.

Good luck OP, you're going in the right direction with the counsellor. Hope they can help you move forward and past the toxicity.

What's done is done, it's time to move forward so you don't find yourself in similar situations, or are mentally equipped to deal with them.
Happy New Year.

My Dad disappointed them all by not playing into the hands of stereotypes (yes, he has high standards and expectations, but that's not all he is about - he's a person who is capable of reasoning, thinking, feeling, caring and negotiation - he's not a simplistic stereotype from tv or tabloids.)

Thats all a bit vague. What exactly are these 'high standards' that risk making him such a stereotype as portrayed in the media?

[quote YayDay]@Coronawireless

Perhaps I am looking at Dad with rose-tinted glasses because he's the only one offering the olive branch. Best I explore this further with a Counsellor going forwards now though.

I wish I never knew about my sister's secrets. Ignorance would have been bliss...

Yes, not easy to detach from this. I need to fill the vacuum with new things, meet new people (not as easy since the pandemic started...) and just keep myself busy.[/quote]
A mental detachment is just as important. Try to take them all less seriously. See their flaws. See yourself as an adult dealing with other flawed adults rather than a child who needs them for shelter and support. Have a plan for keeping contact shorter and on your terms - maybe in a neutral environment rather than the family home. Have a plan for firmly and cheerfully ending the visit as soon as things look sticky. Don’t get drawn in to any dramas.
I make it sound easy - it’s not - but keep at it. Reframe the way you interact with them.

And don’t get overly upset about the wedding. Sounds like just one more drama in a very long series. Wish your sister well, say her dress was nice, change the subject, cheerfully end visit.

You still don't get it. Posting hyperlinks about how you're the victim and how your sister should be thankful to you just make this seem even more deluded. I don't need a link to a website about revenge to know that doing horrible things to people is not good.