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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel the rift from my family can never mend?

273 replies

YayDay · 27/12/2021 21:05

My sister had her wedding recently. I had been invited, but a few weeks beforehand she sent a text asking me not to attend her big day.

The backstory is that things were going well between us, then over the summer I discovered through social media that she had a Henparty with my other sister (who she's very close to and was maid of honour), half-sister and our sister-in-laws, but had clearly not told me about it, let alone invite me. It came as a shock, I was very upset and felt really betrayed by all my family who knew about it but obviously kept it quiet from me.
My sister's defence was, 'It's my hen party, so suck it up.'

The family jury was split. Some thought, 'well, she's right it's her hen party and maybe she wanted a different dynamic'. Others thought my hurt was reasonable because, 'you're her sister and it would have been respectful to at least have spoken with you rather than doing things behind your back and for you to find out like that.'

The result meant my sister cancelled my wedding invite. She told me by text, rather any discussion or anything.

Photos have gone up on social media. The whole family had a great time. I guess I'm not supposed to be upset and complain about feeling estranged, because it was her big day?

But I just can't get over how rubbish it felt to be left out - again. Being visibly left out and marginalised suggests there's something wrong with me - and I'm not sure how to feel if it's my family who have done this.

I don't actually know how this family rift can actually mend. It just feels like a really big snub that has gone too far...

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 27/12/2021 22:32

@Mufasa1118

Have you fallen out in the past? To uninvite you from her wedding is so serious.

Did you get on with each other in the past?

Agree with this, it is pretty relationship ending to do this! Has anyone told you what the hen do actually was? And is this the reason you were uninvited from the wedding? * Still, I think I should have been consulted about the hen party. My sister is aggrieved with me suggesting I had a right to be consulted*?

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2021 22:33

[quote YayDay]@SirVixofVixHall

She's the youngest sibling, so the baby of the family. Tbh she's usually alright, but maybe I now see she has always been spoilt - and selfish.

It's such a tricky one, because it was her hen party and wedding. By being upset that I wasn't told about the hen party or invited, I was accused of "trying to make it about me"... maybe I should have stayed quiet and pretended I hadn't noticed they had excluded me from the hen party. Was it unreasonable that I felt hurt being excluded? Did I have a right to feel like that?

Told not to attend the wedding as well was just another kick in the teeth. I don't know what to do going forwards...[/quote]
They're vile and you need to stay away.

RandomMess · 27/12/2021 22:34

A decent sister would have talked to you and said I really want to do x y z for my hen party activities and I know you can't participate. How can I do something where you are included as well?

An outstanding sister would have just picked something simple like a meal so you could have been invited.

It was unkind of all of them to try and hide it rather than be adults and talk to you.

To uninvite you rather than apologise and clear the air is truly a massive rift that is very unlikely to heal

5zeds · 27/12/2021 22:36

My son is disabled and needs far more accommodation to be included in any day. I wouldn’t stand for this behaviour, but neither would my children.

It’s not you, and I’m so sorry this is how things are. Find people who treat you well, these are not those people.

mumda · 27/12/2021 22:36

I'd leave them.to their festering nastiness.
I hope you didn't give them a present.

ScaredOfOverDiagnosis · 27/12/2021 22:39

21:12TooWicked
There may not be a back story.
OP's family are trash and have treated her like a scapegoat.

ScaredOfOverDiagnosis · 27/12/2021 22:42

21:15YayDay

How many siblings are there?
How many brothers and how many sisters?
What are the age gaps?

Do you have a family of your own?

Do you feel you've been treated as a scapegoat by them for the most part if not all of your life?

Gargellen · 27/12/2021 22:45

I can't see why you would ever want to heal this rift. You have been treated in the most appalling way by all of them. Unless there is something missing that we don't know about, in your shoes I would move as far away from them all as possible and never see any of them again. Absolutely disgusting behaviour.

flashy44 · 27/12/2021 22:46

@godmum56

why do you want to mend the rift?

This

NumberTheory · 27/12/2021 22:46

What exactly did you do when you found out about the hen party that meant your sister texted to ask you not to attend her wedding?

It’s hard to know if she is a bit of a spoilt brat or if you’re a nightmare of a sister.

It sounds like your sister arranged, or had arranged for her, a hen party that you would not have been able to engage in. It would have been best for her to let you know it wasn’t suitable, not just let you hear about it on SM. I don’t think you have a “right” as a sister to be “Consulted” on the hen. But it also seems odd that it was completely kept from you rather than the difficulty explained. What is your normal response when your sisters do something together that your disability makes difficult for you?

But it also sounds like she’s been seeing you 1:1 in the run up to the wedding too, which is the normal “replacement” if someone important can’t attend the hen for some reason.

How much of this can be chalked up to your sister wanting to avoid a confrontation with you because she wanted her hen to be something you wouldn’t/couldn’t enjoy?

ESGdance · 27/12/2021 22:48

Where is your mother in all of this?

I suspect the family toxicity can be traced back to her. I can’t get my head around her letting this happen.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 27/12/2021 22:49

This is an absolutely awful thing to have done to you, even if we excuse sibling issues, your mum and dad should really have not got involved at all, of course you couldn't just turn up if you had expressly been told not to attend. Their excuses are ridiculous for your sister.

I don't know what you can do except keep away from your sister, build bridges with any relatives (half sister etc) who you might still get on with and over time my bet is that your parents regret what they have done but didn't have the backbone to stand up for you.

Excluding you from the hen do was bad, but uninviting you to the wedding was unforgivable from your sister. She could have heartily apologised and got you to come along after the hen do.

I don't know what to advise because it all just seems so needlessly nasty to one family member.

BinChicken3 · 27/12/2021 22:50

Nothing is ever black and white in family dynamics, and I’m guessing there’s a backstory to your backstory and a backstory to your sister’s treatment of you, and in the end no one can remember how it started, but the end result is you don’t like each other and that’s it, end of story.

Accept it.

Mary46 · 27/12/2021 22:52

I think shame on your family letting this happen. My friend has bad mobility. I just go to places where toilets on one level and ok for her. Its called respect. Feel for you op.

ESGdance · 27/12/2021 22:54

@OnwardsAndSideways1

Excluding you from the hen do was bad, but uninviting you to the wedding was unforgivable from your sister. She could have heartily apologised and got you to come along after the hen do.

I don't know what to advise because it all just seems so needlessly nasty to one family member.

An on top of all that her MOTHER justifying / gaslighting that the OP had an actual option to attend when the Dad pitched up the evening before …..

The OP is questioning / doubting / disowning her own visceral feelings throughout this thread - ie is she allowed to feel hurt / angry / betrayed or will the family see any emotion from her as “bitter” - this indicates to me that she is the scapegoat of a very toxic family system.

Pegasussnail · 27/12/2021 22:56

Op I just want to give you a big massive hug.
I'm shocked at your sister not planning something that would suit all guests including you and if they want to something active- so be it but you could still do the hen in two parts but in this day and age there are loads of options

Glad your dad tried to make amends but your mums behaviour is shocking.. blaming you really

Sid077 · 27/12/2021 22:58

I feel for you and sadly have experienced estrangement in my family too. The only way I have found to deal with this is to only engage with those who make an effort with you and your dc if you have any.

Pretty much forget the rest as though they may be important to you, you have to consider that you may not be important to them. I know it’s a harsh reality. I don’t recommend trying to justify what happened outside of the facts more than once with those who contact you, you will tie yourself up in knots with the rights and wrongs with people who already know and have decided that it’s not their fight or they simply like her more. I do recommend calling her out in terms of if you get any of this type of nonsense ‘she’s a nice person / good sister’ no she’s not she’s a total bitch - nice people don’t behave like this - said as simply as that. It’s so difficult

UserBot99 · 27/12/2021 23:02

Very hurtful.

You can't make them see that they behaved unkindly.
You can't make them show you respect.

But you are not obliged to square up for decades more of this unkindness and disrespect.

They will never see it. (I tried to make my parents understand).

I think I thought that I couldn't just fade away without explaining it. But they just added a load more abuse on to the original ''injuries''. Labelled me angry and abusive for trying to have a conversation.
Their position has remained intransigent. I must respect their right to stonewall me and label me.

I cannot change this. I thought I could but I can't.

But over the last two years I've realised that I am not obliged to square up for more of this. I can fade away without their blessing.

xxx

ChiefStockingStuffer · 27/12/2021 23:04

Your sister is a bitch and other family members who went and hid it from you or who are defending her are horrible.

Honestly. They should be so ashamed of themselves.

I'm not sure I would want a relationship with any of them going forward, tbh.

GCAutist · 27/12/2021 23:06

OP I’ve been in a similar situation (twice) and it hurts. My mum would have responded like your mum. She’s stuck in the middle and trying to find a solution but as usual it’ll be left to you to make the concessions. There are always two sides to every story, that doesn’t mean your sisters side holds more or any validity but it might help you make your decision to know what her reasoning was for uninviting you.

My brother justified it by saying he did want to socially pressure me but the reality is I’m quiet and like to people watch and that didn’t fit with their vision of everyone up dancing and going wild at the after party.

EmKayEm · 27/12/2021 23:06

Walk away.
Don't need any damage in your life from toxic cunts like this.
You can choose everyone in your life.

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 27/12/2021 23:06

@Doesntfeellikexmas

There's has to be a reason she felt you shouldn't be there or you would effect the dynamic.

Not neccessarily true Doesn't.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/12/2021 23:08

"My mum then justified the day after the wedding that, "Well Dad offered to take you, but you declined" - knowing full well I didn't have an outfit sorted in time because Dad only offered to take me the night before and it was complicated by the fact the Bride had cancelled my invite. I couldn't just gatecrash - I'm too anxious to do stuff like that."

Your mum is an utter cunt.

I would walk away from the lot of them they're not worth a damn.

Pinkypenguin · 27/12/2021 23:09

@Pegasussnail

Op I just want to give you a big massive hug. I'm shocked at your sister not planning something that would suit all guests including you and if they want to something active- so be it but you could still do the hen in two parts but in this day and age there are loads of options

Glad your dad tried to make amends but your mums behaviour is shocking.. blaming you really

This.

Your sister could have done the part she wanted to do AND included you in another activity.

Your mum definitely seems to have set the tone in the family. The fact that she minimises it and expects you to just suck it up speaks volumes.

I just can't imagine taking sides between my children in this way.

I'm so sorry OP.

I hope you have some lovely friends that are much worth your time and energy than this toxic family.

HeddaGarbled · 27/12/2021 23:09

There’s a long running series of threads on here for people coping with toxic families. If you haven’t seen it already, I’d strongly recommend you have a read:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4182916-March-2021-Well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-thread

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