AIBU or is DP acting insane?

[serenities]

DP and I don't live together. I am a single parents to DS3 who has a chest infection and rapid breathing, currently waiting for a call back for him to be seen by the out of hours. I also have a chest infection.

I spent Christmas with DP and his family (7 mins away) but I went home around 1 or 2am with DS as he was quite unwell. My house gets messy, I work full time and I am chronically ill and sometimes I just cannot be bothered. The kitchen is messy atm and DP and I were going to do it together on Christmas Eve but didn't have chance due to Christmas prep etc. and barely been home.

DP was going to come over today. I told him over text that I had a chest infection (I get them fairly often so know what it feels like) and that DS was going to be seen by out of hours today but that I was waiting for a call back. He said "oh that's your day written off then, any chance you could clean the kitchen?"

He always says he doesn't like mess and it stresses him out, so prefers when my house is all tidy. Fair enough.

I then said "I've just told you we're both not well?"

He then goes on to say a chest infection doesn't mean I can't clean, mop and wipe down surfaces. He said he would really appreciate it and the mess isn't going anywhere. I told him I'm not going to be doing it today, and to not come over if it's such an issue for him. He said "mess really brings me down" and mentioned how he tidied upstairs all by himself for me. He then went on to say "I want to come over and I want for you to want me to be happy when I'm over".

I'm kept saying, I am not doing it today. He said I've been in pain for the past week so he has done the work for me, but the mess won't go away regardless of how I feel.

I suggested we did the kitchen on Christmas Eve, but it was him who said he was too tired. I mentioned this and he said he would've done it if I had pushed him to.

I told him I hate him telling me what do to, and that you're meant to do nice things for people because you want to, not to throw them back in your face. He thinks the fact I've said he's being controlling etc. is "fucked" and extremely hurtful.

He said he was coming over in that moment, I said no. I don't want you to. He kept saying he was and that he was in his car about to leave, I told him literally over ten times not to come over and that he was not coming in.

At one point he said if he turned up and I didn't answer the door then we were over. I said ok, save yourself the journey we are over now if that's how you feel. Then he said me saying that, was also "fucked".

He now wants to talk over the phone to resolve this. AIBU to tell him to just fuck off? I don't know if I have been a bit of a dick here, I suspect I have.

He sounds like really hard work. I wouldn't have the head space for all that. Sounds like he is adding stress and work to your life rather than making it any better, and on that basis I'd ditch him. YANBU at all.

He sounds like a pain in the arse. Don't let him come over!

Nah, he’s the dick not you.
He’s dictating not only what you should do in your own house but demanded that you clean entirely for his benefit when both you and your child are ill.
He’s pushed every boundary you’ve put in place and when you’ve called his bluff on every threat he’s made he’s called you fucked - that’s gaslighting.

Give yourself a belated Christmas present and see the new year in single and free of his shite.

Nope. That wouldn't be in any way unreasonable.

Your messiness in your own home is your business. If you are ill you are ill.

He has no reason brow beat or bully you. Telling you that you, your behaviour is fucked is unacceptable. He's rude, a gobshite. Sod him. He gave you an ultimatum and you accepted it. Good for you.

Enjoy your newly single New Year 🙂

Is your child his? I think that makes a difference here.

I suggested we did the kitchen on Christmas Eve, but it was him who said he was too tired. I mentioned this and he said he would've done it if I had pushed him to.

I just don't get why anyone is cleaning your kitchen or any other rooms in your home - unless the child is his and he's doing it for them.

@WorraLiberty

Is your child his? I think that makes a difference here.

I suggested we did the kitchen on Christmas Eve, but it was him who said he was too tired. I mentioned this and he said he would've done it if I had pushed him to.

I just don't get why anyone is cleaning your kitchen or any other rooms in your home - unless the child is his and he's doing it for them.

No, he isn't his. He is home for Christmas so will be spending a lot of time at my house.

He sounds like a controlling, manipulative shit.
When your partner is ill, you try to look after them, not fucking dictate when and how they clean their house.
Your child is your priority. YOU are your priority. Fuck him.

He sounds bloody exhausting. What do you get out of this relationship?

@VimFuego101

He sounds bloody exhausting. What do you get out of this relationship?

I am starting to wonder tbh

He said "oh that's your day written off then, any chance you could clean the kitchen?"

It's the day after Christmas, you and your DC are ill and this nut thinks you should clean and roll out the red carpet for him, are you dating a member of royalty? OP pretend I'm a doctor for a minute and here is your prescription: Apply pyjamas to you and you child liberally, apply yourself and DC to the sofa and watch something light-hearted, scoff whatever you fancy and don't give this man another thought. In the new year if you feel like it make a planner for yourself to keep on top of jobs if you feel the need, take some time alone and then think about getting back into dating. This guy is not the man for you or your DC.

I can get where he is coming from with the cleaning as i wouldn't be able to sit there if there was loads to do. But you are in the right here as you are ill imo

If the child is not his then he has no 'say' in the cleanliness/tidiness of your house.

Different people have different levels of comfort around mess/dirt etc and if he's not comfortable around yours, he needs to make a decision as to whether he wants to go there again.

However, I think you should be cleaning your own home and telling him it's your responsibility.

@AngryAtAssholes

Nah, he’s the dick not you. He’s dictating not only what you should do in your own house but demanded that you clean entirely for his benefit when both you and your child are ill. He’s pushed every boundary you’ve put in place and when you’ve called his bluff on every threat he’s made he’s called you fucked - that’s gaslighting.

Give yourself a belated Christmas present and see the new year in single and free of his shite.

Completely agree.

You deserve someone kind and loving.

I really hope you and your DS get better soon

Urgh. Fuck him off. He’s a controlling bully.

He is showing you who he is OP.

The fact his concern was not for your sick child but for your bloody kitchen says it all.

If my partner and 3 year old child were both ill, I'd be offered to clean their kitchen for them, not telling them to do it so I could feel nice while I'm over! Wtaf!

And her 3 year old child I mean. I am aware it's not his child but still.

Expecting you to do it when ill is unfair.

But in general I hate being around mess so it would be an issue for me if I were dating someone- perhaps you are not compatible long term?

He has said he was pushing me to clean was because he wanted me to clean for myself, but knew I wouldn't if it was to help myself. But I am more likely to do something for others, so he tried to motivate me by getting me to do it for him. But that he wasn't actually bothered if I did it for him or not.

(Not something to be thinking about when you're unwell and child unwell, but this doesn't sound like an isolated incident?)

At first I had some sympathy with him, but the way he reacted to you telling him not to come over is completely out of order, he is trying to stomp on all your boundaries.

Putting aside your DP issues,

It sounds like you have an issue with the upkeep of cleanliness or your house/kitchen?
If you cleaned as you go along, you wouldn't be posting here. Saying you're a single Mum doesn't excuse your mess either. I've have plenty of single mum friends with more than one child whose ki

Oh my god OP I couldn’t be bothered with that juvenile shit! Tell him to fuck right off and to not bother coming over ever. Surely you know you can do better than this?

@SantasGotABigOne

Putting aside your DP issues,

It sounds like you have an issue with the upkeep of cleanliness or your house/kitchen?
If you cleaned as you go along, you wouldn't be posting here. Saying you're a single Mum doesn't excuse your mess either. I've have plenty of single mum friends with more than one child whose ki

Kitchens are clean and tidy.

Fair dos you don't want to do it today. You are ill after all but you're making more work for yourself not doing it as you go.

I hope you feel better soon

Dump him. He sounds awful. If he'd offered to come over and look after you and clean up that would be nice but he sounds controlling and potentially abusive. Throw him back.