AIBU or is DP acting insane?

[serenities]

DP and I don't live together. I am a single parents to DS3 who has a chest infection and rapid breathing, currently waiting for a call back for him to be seen by the out of hours. I also have a chest infection.

I spent Christmas with DP and his family (7 mins away) but I went home around 1 or 2am with DS as he was quite unwell. My house gets messy, I work full time and I am chronically ill and sometimes I just cannot be bothered. The kitchen is messy atm and DP and I were going to do it together on Christmas Eve but didn't have chance due to Christmas prep etc. and barely been home.

DP was going to come over today. I told him over text that I had a chest infection (I get them fairly often so know what it feels like) and that DS was going to be seen by out of hours today but that I was waiting for a call back. He said "oh that's your day written off then, any chance you could clean the kitchen?"

He always says he doesn't like mess and it stresses him out, so prefers when my house is all tidy. Fair enough.

I then said "I've just told you we're both not well?"

He then goes on to say a chest infection doesn't mean I can't clean, mop and wipe down surfaces. He said he would really appreciate it and the mess isn't going anywhere. I told him I'm not going to be doing it today, and to not come over if it's such an issue for him. He said "mess really brings me down" and mentioned how he tidied upstairs all by himself for me. He then went on to say "I want to come over and I want for you to want me to be happy when I'm over".

I'm kept saying, I am not doing it today. He said I've been in pain for the past week so he has done the work for me, but the mess won't go away regardless of how I feel.

I suggested we did the kitchen on Christmas Eve, but it was him who said he was too tired. I mentioned this and he said he would've done it if I had pushed him to.

I told him I hate him telling me what do to, and that you're meant to do nice things for people because you want to, not to throw them back in your face. He thinks the fact I've said he's being controlling etc. is "fucked" and extremely hurtful.

He said he was coming over in that moment, I said no. I don't want you to. He kept saying he was and that he was in his car about to leave, I told him literally over ten times not to come over and that he was not coming in.

At one point he said if he turned up and I didn't answer the door then we were over. I said ok, save yourself the journey we are over now if that's how you feel. Then he said me saying that, was also "fucked".

He now wants to talk over the phone to resolve this. AIBU to tell him to just fuck off? I don't know if I have been a bit of a dick here, I suspect I have.

@FreeBritnee

My only comment would be.. Is your house sanitary? Is it safe for your child to live in? If the answer is yes to both then he can GTF.

Absolutely. DS is my top priority, it is clean and sanitary. It can just get messy. It's a perfectly suitable environment for a child.

What an arse! He is being an unsupportive bully.

There are always two sides to a story and I suspect that his side is that he doesn’t like going round to a dirty house and then being asked to clean it when he does. To be honest, encouraging somebody to keep the house clean does sound like tough love to me.

What an utter piece of sh*t. I hope sincerely you LTB

@Aprilx

There are always two sides to a story and I suspect that his side is that he doesn’t like going round to a dirty house and then being asked to clean it when he does. To be honest, encouraging somebody to keep the house clean does sound like tough love to me.

I never ask him to clean. The mess in the kictwnis both of ours, and we planned on doing it together when we were home. I suggested it when we were back but he was too tired and that we'd do it later, but we ran out of time and didn't.

The house honestly isn't dirty, or excessively messy. It's tidy enough and it isn't always messy, it can just get that way. Everything is clean and sanitary.

He keeps saying it was coming from a good place. He upset that I don't believe him. He has also apologised

usual question really which is why do you tolerate it and why are you still with him?

I don't care how messy the kitchen is, he can fuck right off with how he talks to you and thinks he can "handle" you.

He tried several times to manipulate you and gaslight you. Good in you for calling him on it. Then his bullshit excuse that he was trying to get you to do it for you, like you're too immature to just have a proper grown up discussion with.

I have a horrible chesty cough atm that really hurts when I cough. I can't be arsed to clean but no ones going to die because the kitchen stays a little messy for a day.

Time to part ways I think. You don’t seem compatible. My house is often a bloody mess. That’s my business. I wouldn’t tolerate any menacing about it.

OP I'd stop responding to those posters who quite obviously haven't read all your posts. They are pointless, don't let them get to you!

Can you post a picture ?
Even after x mas dinner prep it didn’t take 30 mins to sort so it must be bad ?

He sounds horrible especially the threats to come over and end things I would definitely finish with someone after that red flag parade

A picture? Are you on glue?

As they say round these parts!

"My house gets messy, I work full time and I am chronically ill and sometimes I just cannot be bothered"

Is this a long-term illness op?

If so could you look at using a cleaner?

If DP is so bothered about the state of your house then maybe he can pick up some cleaning clothes and make a start ?

@CheshireKitten123

"My house gets messy, I work full time and I am chronically ill and sometimes I just cannot be bothered"

Is this a long-term illness op?

If so could you look at using a cleaner?

If DP is so bothered about the state of your house then maybe he can pick up some cleaning clothes and make a start ?

Yes, it is long term. I don't think I could afford a cleaner right now

GrannytoaUnicorn I am surprised at you. As someone suffering with a chronic illness, surely you must know that not everyone who has a chronic illness is the same and is able to do the same things? What an awful lack of empathy.

To be honest, encouraging somebody to keep the house clean does sound like tough love to me.
And what about insisting on coming over when the OP repeatedly told him not to? Or insisting on arguing it out by phone whilst she's waiting for a callback from Out of Hours? The guy clearly has form for stepping on the OP's boundaries. If she wants 'tough love' to help motivate her, she's an adult - she can ask for it. And I don't think anyone wants 'tough love' to do some housework whilst suffering a chest infection, looking after a poorly child and dealing with a chronic illness.

OP if you don't want to just sack him off now (I would), I would tell him you are too busy dealing with illness and you will be in touch in the next few days, you'd appreciate it if he left you alone til then.

@2bazookas you sound like the idiot for not reading OP's posts. He is not a parent!

@Storminafeecup

I think you are being very unreasonable He has clearly told you the impact your mess has on his mental health. Why does your recurring Chest infections take priority over his mental health needs. He has already cleaned all your upstairs and you are having a go at him for not helping you clean YOUR kitchen Christmas Eve. Take some responsibility for your own mess. If not for yourself or for him but for your kids. They will grow up hating it too.

So he can stay away if it bothers him that much. OP made it clear he was free to do so.

Living in a house where the kitchen is occasionally a bit messy when their mother is unwell isn't going to bother any child.

Firstly this man is projecting his own issues onto the OP;the obsession with tidiness and cleaning and insisting he can't be in an untidy place isn't normal;he sounds like he has some sort of OCD issue going on.

Secondly he is being controlling and manipulative;he's literally telling you what to do and is trying to guilt trip you into it.

Thirdly he's an inconsiderate arse.You and your DS are ill and all he cares about is a clean kitchen?

Other than sex what does he actually bring to your life here?;sounds like a friend with benefits would be more useful than this twat.

Bin him off.

OP, I think the issue here is your DP has tried to bully you into making your home something he wants. Added to this, he has not prioritised yours or or DC’s health.

My suggestion would be to get rid of the DP, you need someone who loves you warts and all. He sounds like a bullying arse TBH.

Get well soon, OP.

@2bazookas

You both sound like idiots.

Poor bloody DC, no woner they get sick living in a shithole neither parent cleans up.

if you can't be arsed to RTFT, at least read the OPs posts.

Her DP isn't a parent and her home isn't a shithole.

@serenities

He keeps saying it was coming from a good place. He upset that I don't believe him. He has also apologised

And what about his complete lack of respect like saying you're over if you don't answer your door? He can fuck off and fuck off some more for that too.

Has he even asked how either of you are?