AIBU or is DP acting insane?

[serenities]

DP and I don't live together. I am a single parents to DS3 who has a chest infection and rapid breathing, currently waiting for a call back for him to be seen by the out of hours. I also have a chest infection.

I spent Christmas with DP and his family (7 mins away) but I went home around 1 or 2am with DS as he was quite unwell. My house gets messy, I work full time and I am chronically ill and sometimes I just cannot be bothered. The kitchen is messy atm and DP and I were going to do it together on Christmas Eve but didn't have chance due to Christmas prep etc. and barely been home.

DP was going to come over today. I told him over text that I had a chest infection (I get them fairly often so know what it feels like) and that DS was going to be seen by out of hours today but that I was waiting for a call back. He said "oh that's your day written off then, any chance you could clean the kitchen?"

He always says he doesn't like mess and it stresses him out, so prefers when my house is all tidy. Fair enough.

I then said "I've just told you we're both not well?"

He then goes on to say a chest infection doesn't mean I can't clean, mop and wipe down surfaces. He said he would really appreciate it and the mess isn't going anywhere. I told him I'm not going to be doing it today, and to not come over if it's such an issue for him. He said "mess really brings me down" and mentioned how he tidied upstairs all by himself for me. He then went on to say "I want to come over and I want for you to want me to be happy when I'm over".

I'm kept saying, I am not doing it today. He said I've been in pain for the past week so he has done the work for me, but the mess won't go away regardless of how I feel.

I suggested we did the kitchen on Christmas Eve, but it was him who said he was too tired. I mentioned this and he said he would've done it if I had pushed him to.

I told him I hate him telling me what do to, and that you're meant to do nice things for people because you want to, not to throw them back in your face. He thinks the fact I've said he's being controlling etc. is "fucked" and extremely hurtful.

He said he was coming over in that moment, I said no. I don't want you to. He kept saying he was and that he was in his car about to leave, I told him literally over ten times not to come over and that he was not coming in.

At one point he said if he turned up and I didn't answer the door then we were over. I said ok, save yourself the journey we are over now if that's how you feel. Then he said me saying that, was also "fucked".

He now wants to talk over the phone to resolve this. AIBU to tell him to just fuck off? I don't know if I have been a bit of a dick here, I suspect I have.

Why doesn't he come over and clean if messiness brings him down?

@GrannytoaUnicorn

YABU - Having a chest infection alone doesn't prevent a quick kitchen clean up. I have Multiple Schlerosis & Chronic Pain; some days I cannot walk but I still manage to clean up after myself as I'm also a parent - a widowed lone parent and if I don't do it, nobody else will! You shouldn't be letting the kitchen get so bad that it's a big job that takes more than 5/10 mins at the absolute most. Especially when you have a child! Could the mess/dust be the reason why you have a chest infection?

I agree his attitude was out of order but he wasn't wrong in what he was saying.

Many people with chronic illnesses use it to understand and have empathy for others. You've chosen it as a stick to beat other people with for being less than you. Congratulations.

@serenities

He is saying it was a tough love thing, that he was motivating me by pushing me.

You don't need to be pushed. You need to rest, stay warm and take it easy. Your house won't turn into a bio-hazard in a few days.

Ignore him, do something easy for your little one (if they're up to eating) and order takeout for you. Tell him you're just not up to 'entertaining' today (or in his case, maybe ever again?).

Your house, your rules. I couldn't be bothered with someone who behaves like that. He sounds like he's back peddling and trying to justify shitty behaviour.

Everyone has a different definition of what reasonably clean is, it seems to me that OP and her partner have different definitions and so aren't really compatible. I also don't like the whole it was tough love, I'm trying to motivate you excuse and the whole if you don't let me in we're over behaviour.

As someone with chronic health problems what I can do in half an hour and what somebody healthier can do in half an hour are often poles apart so I don't think there's any point in guessing what level of mess would take half an hour to clean.

"Yes, it is long term. I don't think I could afford a cleaner right now"

I think you do need to factor this into your budget, just to make your life easier.

In the meantime I hope you have now got advice from 111.

"OP if you don't want to just sack him off now (I would), I would tell him you are too busy dealing with illness and you will be in touch in the next few days, you'd appreciate it if he left you alone til then."

^^

This is good advice from tribpot

I hate mess, dirt and clutter. I makes me feel stressed. In your DP's shoes I would be offering to come and clean, cook and look after you. I also have chronic illnesses so know what it's like to just have nothing left in you to do anything.

YANBU to not want him around. He sounds inconsiderate.

"I want to come over and I want for you to want me to be happy when I'm over".

What a twattish thing to say to a sick person. "Her OP, I know you're sick and your child is sick and I know exerting yourself could lead to your chest infection worsening - but my mental health response to a kitchen that is not mine is what is really important here."

Are you sure you have the energy to deal with this person on top of everything else you're dealing with?

Lots of clean freaks on this thread who are missing the point! I suspect many of you would be clutching your pearls at the current state of my kitchen

@serenities this man doesn’t sound like he respects your boundaries at all. You are not compatible and don’t make each other happy. His mental health would be better with a partner who is obsessed with housework and you would be happier with someone more relaxed. Are you going to break up with him?

It's your house, and he can fuck off. 🤷

He then goes on to say a chest infection doesn't mean I can't clean, mop and wipe down surfaces.

Well, I don't think he's insane, but he's pretty insensitive. Just ignore him. No-one will die of a messy kitchen.

Or he could clean it up, while you're ill and concerned about your DC.

Oh wow, I cannot believe the amount of people saying you are unreasonably for not keeping YOUR OWN house to the clean standards of your boyfriend.

Illnesses are actually irrelevant.

It is your house. Not his. How clean you keep it or dont keep it is entirely up to you and no one elses business (as you've said its not at a neglectful level for the kid).

Tell him to do one OP.

Your DP doesn't need to "tough love motivate you"
You are I'll your DC is I'll you both need to rest. What your DP thinks you could should ought to do is irrelevant and unimportant

There's no doubt your DP is a controlling twat who is dressing it up as "I'm only trying to help you" Bollox

It's obvious he's controlling as you had to tell him 9+ times you did not want him to come round. And he threatened to break off your relationship if you did not let him in when he came round uninvited and told 9+ times not to.

I was uncomfortable just reading that part let alone his dictating to you how your spend your time when you are unwell in your own house . Don't backtrack OP. See your DP for how he behaved and continues to behave.

If I were you I'd turn his texts to silent, and not answer him, whilst you have time to recover. Don't answer door to him. And in a few days when you feel better, and can think straight, decide whether you even want this man around your house again,

I’ve no real opinion on your relationship. It sounds all very childish tit for tat.

What I will say is living in dirt is no good for either you or your child and could explain some if your health problems.

I think I would need to see a picture of the kitchen to determine if he’s unreasonable. If it’s grimy, dirty dishes, bits of food laying around and generally unsanitary, I think he has cause for concern. A 3 yo shouldn’t have to live like that.

What I will say is living in dirt is no good for either you or your child and could explain some if your health problems.

That's rubbish, family of HCPs here. OP isn't talking about an unsanitary house, and it's healthier not to disinfect everything constantly where you build little immunity to everyday life things including a little bit of dirt!

I wish PPs would RTFT
OP has clearly said her house is not dirty in the slightest, iher DP is a neat freak who wants HER house kept to his "OCD" standards . It's not even his house.

None of this is ok. You're ill, your son is ill. It's your house, your mess, your decision when to clean it. If he tidies it up, he's doing it for himself, not you. There's no future in this relationship - if he moved in, you'd never have a moment's peace.

Hestrying to make you feel bad that he doesnt like the way you live

well tell him to shove it can you imagine living with him

@mycatisannoying

One of those posts where we are not being given both sides. I suspect boyfriend is tired of going round to a shit-tip and cleaning up mess that isn't even his.

Then all he has to do is not go there. Other options are available. OP goes to his, they rent a hotel room, holiday cottage Airbnb, walk to the park , cinema, bowling, restaurant, trip to beach etc. Or if he thinks they are so incompatible then split up and it wont be an issue. As it happens I think hes just attempting to get OP to walk on eggshells around him, making his demands ever unnatainable, OP will never quite get to the correct point of whatever it is he wants. OP ditch him.

I've only read your posts OP, and none of them have changed what I thought from reading your first post, if anything they've confirmed my initial impression.

To be clear - YANBU. And I really don't like the sound of your DP.

You have a chronic condition that is worsened by a chest infection, to which you are prone. Your DS3 has a chest infection and you are waiting (probably anxiously) for a medical callback. And your 'D'P thinks your priority should be tidying up the kitchen because it stresses him out? Fuck him!

I particularly prickled at this:

"He said he was coming over in that moment, I said no. I don't want you to. He kept saying he was and that he was in his car about to leave, I told him literally over ten times not to come over and that he was not coming in."
No means no. You and your son are unwell and you don't have the headspace or the energy to pander to a big fucking manchild who whines that "he doesn't like mess and it stresses him out, so prefers when my house is all tidy". Stresses him out. My reflex to that is 'so what'?

"At one point he said if he turned up and I didn't answer the door then we were over. I said ok, save yourself the journey we are over now if that's how you feel. Then he said me saying that, was also "fucked"."
Oh, he really doesn't like being told 'no', does he? And he really doesn't like that not only did you say 'no' to him, you did not come to heel when he threatened to punish you by chucking you. Instead, you called his bluff and took control out of his hands and into yours. (Yes, I think he's controlling too.)

"He now wants to talk over the phone to resolve this. AIBU to tell him to just fuck off? I don't know if I have been a bit of a dick here, I suspect I have."
I don't think you have been a dick. You have prioritised your son and your health over his wanting to control how tidy your house is. That sounds completely correct to me. He has ignored your health and that of your son (I'd be totally focussed on son's rapid breathing) to moan at you that your house not meeting his "clean freak" standards stresses him.

I wouldn't be talking to him over the phone, not least because I suspect his idea of resolving this involves him reiterating how right he is and how wrong you are. I would be telling him to fuck off and examine his priorities, because that is what is actually fucked here.

Never mind illness, who the fuck is he to tell you what to do in your own home and then insult your intelligence and adulthood by claiming it's "tough love".

he can fuck off. Its not his house, its yours. Hes not the boss of you. Youre ill and your house is perfectly hygenic.
god can you imagine living under that sort of pressure. At least you dont live together so its easy to dump him

I can’t understand why he doesn’t offer to come round and do it for you if you’re I’ll and looking after a sick DC. That’s what a caring partner would do.

Unless there’s a massive back story and he’s always cleaning for you and has reached the end of his tether?

He has clearly told you the impact your mess has on his mental health. Why does your recurring Chest infections take priority over his mental health needs

Because it's her fucking house and he doesn't live there?

I can’t understand why he doesn’t offer to come round and do it for you if you’re I’ll and looking after a sick DC.

Oh, I can.